Och aye the noo

[Louco]

I understand this too well. To know you wanted to be calm and composed, to feel wrong for not being able to go through with it, the frustration of feeling like she isn't helping either, the feeling of always being taken over by an emotional outburst and how tired and hurt we feel after that.

Actually, there's no need to tell you if you are right or wrong. You need no moral lesson from anyone here. What you need is a way to reach her, to make her feel that if she did something wrong, she should apologize in some way, and that you would do the same. That you both want to change this, that you want to let your love for each other guide your moments together and be stronger than the negative feelings.

And also obviously, making an effort to be as calm and polite as possible. But be yourself, don't try to impersonate a noble gentleman if you are not like that, it will only be more stressful.

It's hard as hell bro, I know it, but if you both make it, you won't even remember these troubled days. Of course, mothers can be annoying, but there's no need for fighting and resentment. You can get over it.

I hope these words help you in some way, by no means I think I have the solution to your situation. But if my experience can help someone else, there you go.

 

[Graeme1988]

I understand this too well. To know you wanted to be calm and composed, to feel wrong for not being able to go through with it, the frustration of feeling like she isn't helping either, the feeling of always being taken over by an emotional outburst and how tired and hurt we feel after that.

Actually, there's no need to tell you if you are right or wrong. You need no moral lesson from anyone here. What you need is a way to reach her, to make her feel that if she did something wrong, she should apologize in some way, and that you would do the same. That you both want to change this, that you want to let your love for each other guide your moments together and be stronger than the negative feelings.

There's not a lotta love to speak of, sadly. We just tolerate each other as best we can. She's miserable, I'm just as miserable. But ah've just accepted that my mum's too set in her way to change now. Even her support for during my recent orthopedic surgery and currently rehab & recovery has been lacking. To the point where ah question if she cares or is she just saying what ah want to hear, so as not to piss me off? :thinking: :question:

And I'm always the one apologising, even when I've done nuthin' wrong. Cuz it's always my fault. But that's what feminists have always done - blame men.

And also obviously, making an effort to be as calm and polite as possible. But be yourself, don't try to impersonate a noble gentleman if you are not like that, it will only be more stressful.

Not trying to impersonate a noble gent. Ah just treat people how ah want to be treated. If that means being polite, kind, unassuming and respectful? Then, so be it. Though, it kinda difficult to remain calm when asked someone to something for you multiple times, saying "Could you please..." before ah state what ah want. And they still don't do it.

It's hard as hell bro, I know it, but if you both make it, you won't even remember these troubled days. Of course, mothers can be annoying, but there's no need for fighting and resentment. You can get over it.

When, exactly? Ah couldnae even get my mum to aknowledge, let alone sincerely apology for the neglect, or having listen to her hate-filled rants about how my dad and the other 2 men she had kids with treated her badly during the 3 relationship she ever had in her life. Oh, the 2 other kids are my older step-sisters, by the way - the only ones I grew up with. These rants started shortly after ah wus forced to allow ma dad back into ma life after a 14 year absence, with little say as to whether ah want him in ma life, ah wus 15 at the time. Y'know, given all the awful things ma oldest sister telt me about him, no long after she found out ma dad wus the yin who inciated contact with me.

And ah attempt to discuss this with her a few year ago, but just got a response of "It's in the past, nae need to talk it. Yer fine...". She didnae even look me in the eye when ah asked if she knew just how difficult it's been for me growing up. Mixed race, disabled, no father or father-figure to guide me, instill confidence and good values and teach me the things a father teaches his son. No-one to confide in when ah wus depressed. How it felt to be made to feel ashamed of my sexuality - I'm not gay. I just mean male masturbation in reference to sexuality, there.

Or to constantly be told "Men are useless". Only to have my mum tell me, in the same breath, not put myself down. That'll mess with any young lads confidence and self-esteem, especially if ya don't huv much to begin with.

Or how ah constantly felt this pressure to conform to how ma sisters want me to be - ie. Like the movies, music & TV shows. Even though, I've always preferred to go ma own and like what I like regardless of whether it's popular or other folks like it.

And ah've always excluded from the family group dynamic, since ma mum's always been closer and got along with ma older sisters better than me.

I hope these words help you in some way, by no means I think I have the solution to your situation. But if my experience can help someone else, there you go.

Kinda... :thumbup:

 

[Graeme1988]

Whit is it aboot me that makes me so unlikeable? :thinking:

• Is the fact ah don't particular enjoy being centre of attention?
• Or mibbe it's ma insistance upon doing things on ma terms, and rarely bowing to peer pressure?
• Is it ma beard?
• The bald head?
• The piercings?
• My quiet, shy, introverted nature?
• Or how, whenever ah don't smile, ah "look sad 'n' depressed"
• Or the fact ah no longer see the point of getting overly attached - be it physically or emotionally - to people or material possessions

 

[Graeme1988]

Sittin' here typing this feeling just... Dishearted. Naw! Scratch that. Incandescent wae f**kin' rage! :kickingmyself: Cuz ah now huv ask permission from ma control-freak of a mother so ah get a shave. Somethin' ah shouldnae even huv tae ask for.

Ah just got up efter huvin ma tea in the living with ma mum, and, went: "Am away fur a shave". An she goes, "Oh, leave it til the morn, would ye?" No reason wus given, so f**k knows why. But ye would think, considerin' we baith still live in the same hoose and ah pay a bigger percentage o' the rent, that ah'd get tae make ma ain decisions, wouldn't ya? But naw, am still seen as the wee, brain-less, unempathetic, moronic, cliumsy bafoon who can't make his own decisions.

Gotta huv some older, and apparently wiser, c**ts make 'em for me.

Don't know if ah should just gie up, an resign masel' to ma unwanted fate of constant co-dependence? Cuz everythin' ah do is underminded by wimmin who think they know better. And ah know f**k all cuz am a man.

 

[Graeme1988]

While am tae finally back upstairs, I'm dreading this family visit and the coming day. Because ah always get shit for not be talkative or happy to see them. Even though I'm to see them... leave that is.

And I don't like ma older sister that much, she's very aggressive and intimidating. Ah mean, ye cun accuse of being intimidating cuz of ma built. And the fact that, by the sound o' ma voice, you'd think ah'd probably kick the f**k outta ye.

Probably doesnae help matter that am no much of a people person, masel', like. Mainly cuz ah hate small talk, and don't find masel' aw that interesting as a person. I'm quite boring in really, actually. Nae personality, or much iintelligence in that wide heid o' mine, either. Though, am no bad tae look at... :bigsmile:

Anyway, just brace for inevitable argument that gonnae occur either cuz ma sister's mad at her husband, which always happens. mg: Or it usually me and ma disinterest in spending time with ma family that pisses ma sister off. Despite, y'know, liking being on ma own. And feelin' outta place whenever am forced to spend time with ma family. Since ah never do by choice...

 

[Graeme1988]

Inner ear infection and a sore throat... Brilliant ! Now ah've got an excuse to pretend no tae hear whit's bein' said tae me. And an excuse not to talk much - not that ah do much of that anyway. :bigsmile:

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah cannae pit up wae this much longer... Constantly huvin ma decisions undermined. Ma family givin' me advice - or mair tae the point, tellin' me whit tae do. Then takin' umbrage when ah tell them ah'll do whit ah want to do, on ma terms. No whit some auld, coffin dodging c**t tells me.

This happened the day, when ah wus out fur a car ride with many elder sister. She struck up a conversation with an loaded question which ah don't hesitate in proving otherwise...

My sister: "Ya should be up, walking as normal with yer crutches, like ye used to, no?
Me: "This soon? Ah didnae think so..."
My sister: "How no?"
Me: "Eh? Ah huv'nae used them in awhile. Ah hinnae even got balance right, cuz Amanda'll be expecting tae see me walkin' upright with them, come next month's consultant checkup appointment. And... ma legs still need tae get stronger"
​

^ And that wus end of discussion. Cuz ah know whit ma body's been through since January. Ah know how rehab an recovery program will be. And ah'll do things, like use ma crutches more, when ah feel ready & confident enough in myself. Just because ah managed to get back upstairs to ma bedroom within 4 months, doesnae mean am suddenly aw better an life goes on as it wus January 5th 2016.

 

[Graeme1988]

Don't know how ah cope with aw this constant overbearing advice fae ma family? Guess ah've just gotten numb to it. Because it's advice given in form of a question, to try an get me tae let ma guard doon. Since am the only yin o' the family who still place great virtue - if that's correct wird tae use in this context? - upon one's own personal privacy and space.

 

[Graeme1988]

By the way, is sexist to merely point that some of the wimmin in yer family - or at least the yins ye grew up with - lack common sense? Me being a man an aw that...

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah feel so unfocused lately. Startin' tae notice just how empty, pointless n' devoid of joy ma life is compared tae those around me. The rest of ma family seem tae huv everythin', whereas ah feel left behind in many ways.

Anyway, ah elaborate on this more, gotta get ready for a hospital appointment.

 

[Graeme1988]

Well, got ma new shoes tae wear with ma leg braces. There no velcro as ah'd asked for, but that cun be modified, Rachael just forgot to specify velcro instead of shoelaces. But that's nae big deal to me, at least I've got them now.

Just need to get used to wearing and walkin' with the leg braces, after such a long period o' time withoot them.

Anyway, it's nice tae know some folk still care aboot ya, even if they are total strangers. That said, back tae ma daily existence of going unnoticed and unloved. :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

I am gettin' really f**kin' fed up with hearin' ma oldest sister gan oan aboot how ah shouldnae underestimate masel' and that ah'll probably recover quicker than ah think...

Now, cun ah ask yer opinion on this matter? And please feel free tae chip in with a response tae this.

Right, so ah've huv extensive orthopedic surgery done on ma legs, as y'know. Now am I being realistic or greatly underestimatin' myself when ah say I'm going to gradually, one thing at a time. Gie masel' time tae rest. Seems fair n' reasonable doesn't it? Cuz ma eldest sister doesnae seem tae huv much considerate for whit ah've been through in the last 4 months.

Ever since gettin' ma plasters off, she just been oan at me with these overly positive, unrealistic expections of how ah should be progressing in ma recovery, and ah don't say anythin' cuz ah know am gonnae lose ma temper with her constant interferring.

Um ah in the wrong here, folks? Cuz ah certainly feel as though ah um.... :idontknow:

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah guess it's time tae say goodbye folks. See ya...

Ah did ma best to be a good person, apparently it'll no be good enough fur anybuddy. So, I'm done - this life hus'nae exactly been good tae me from the off. And ah dinnae see much point fightin' tae make it better.

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah guess it's time tae say goodbye folks. See ya...

Ah did ma best to be a good person, apparently it'll no be good enough fur anybuddy. So, I'm done - this life hus'nae exactly been good tae me from the off. And ah dinnae see much point fightin' tae make it better.

So what now...?

 

[theslowesthand]

I'm sorry you're feeling so low at the moment :sad:
Life certainly has it's ups and downs. You just gotta get through the down times, so you can experience the up times.

Like probably quite a few people on here, some more than others, life started off right-off-the-bat as a struggle, but that's life i guess. Some seem to have it really easy, hapiness/etc served to them on a silver platter .. whereas others have ta fight tooth'n'nail just to get the "crumbs" of life.

It does seem like your family issues puts you into this "tiny little world" of 'just me and them in this life and nothing else'. And when things go wrong, then "everything" is wrong. I think you may need to work at improving your life overall (they are just a part, but a very "loud" part). You did say "Ah feel so unfocused lately. Startin' tae notice just how empty, pointless n' devoid of joy ma life is compared tae those around me. The rest of ma family seem tae huv everythin', whereas ah feel left behind in many ways". So perhaps ye might need ta put an equal measure of effort into yor "overall" life,not just your orthopedic recovery/etc (as that IS gonna take months & months, despite what yer impatient older sister says). when ye're thinkin of doin yeself in, what does that tell ye? --> that ye's unhappy, unbalancd, stressed, etc, etc. of course you do also have a "flu" or sth, which can make ye feel wose than per usual. but im just sayin, that if ye culd lift th quality o' life a wee bit, then family wouldnt drive ya as mental as they do. also, what abut readin some books on say, how to deal with aggressive, domineerin, etc ppl/family like yors? you might be able to improve thngs some? as well u can learn more abut yerself, wich is always a good thing.

So hang in there buddy! All will be well in time!

 

[Graeme1988]

I'm sorry you're feeling so low at the moment :sad:
Life certainly has it's ups and downs. You just gotta get through the down times, so you can experience the up times.

Like probably quite a few people on here, some more than others, life started off right-off-the-bat as a struggle, but that's life i guess. Some seem to have it really easy, hapiness/etc served to them on a silver platter .. whereas others have ta fight tooth'n'nail just to get the "crumbs" of life.

It does seem like your family issues puts you into this "tiny little world" of 'just me and them in this life and nothing else'. And when things go wrong, then "everything" is wrong. I think you may need to work at improving your life overall (they are just a part, but a very "loud" part). You did say "Ah feel so unfocused lately. Startin' tae notice just how empty, pointless n' devoid of joy ma life is compared tae those around me. The rest of ma family seem tae huv everythin', whereas ah feel left behind in many ways". So perhaps ye might need ta put an equal measure of effort into yor "overall" life,not just your orthopedic recovery/etc (as that IS gonna take months & months, despite what yer impatient older sister says). when ye're thinkin of doin yeself in, what does that tell ye? --> that ye's unhappy, unbalancd, stressed, etc, etc. of course you do also have a "flu" or sth, which can make ye feel wose than per usual. but im just sayin, that if ye culd lift th quality o' life a wee bit, then family wouldnt drive ya as mental as they do. also, what abut readin some books on say, how to deal with aggressive, domineerin, etc ppl/family like yors? you might be able to improve thngs some? as well u can learn more abut yerself, wich is always a good thing.

So hang in there buddy! All will be well in time!

Any suggests on the improving ma overall life? Cuz ah dinnae ken where tae start with that... Disowning or distancing masel' from ma family would be a start. But they've got intae their heads that disabled people are forever co-dependent - therefore can't cope on their own.

Ah don't particularly like how they emotionally blackmail me, just cuz ah ask them to do stuff for me occassionally. Apparently that's enough tae make them feel as though they've got f**kin' ownship over me. Though, ah've become pretty indifferent to the emotional manipulation, don't really care anymore.

Reading up how to deal with aggressive, domineering people might be handy. Still doesnae change the fact ma family will take it as personal attack on them if they see me reading it, cuz ah know whit they're like. The wimmin in ma family don't exactly respond well to criticism. Tend to deal with it in the same manner as a child being telt they cannae huv ice cream for their breakfast.

Ah kinda feel ah put off huvin the surgery for too long, should've hud it done at 18. Still, it's done now, can only hope for the best in a year's time.

As fur doin' masel' in, that's been a recurring thought since ah wus 16. Kinda hard to be happy when yer life is dictated by yer family, and ya cannae disown them. And ma mum still likes to remind of just how "useless" and "stupid" I am on the hand, and just how "wonderful" I am on the other. So ye cannae blame me for feelin' pretty miserable... If you had that those sorta conflicting messages given to ya since yer formative years, you'd be pretty fuct in the heid anaw!

Sorry for rantin'... Things huv'nae exactly been particularly great fur me as of late. :sad: Ah hang in there as best ah can. But ah don't know how much more of being constantly blamed for shit when ah've done nuthin' wrong or being undermined ah cun take.

 

[Graeme1988]

It's strange still huvin yer ain set o' morals an values in today's western society, especially considering how f**k-up, immoral 'n' hypersensitive that culture's become. It's like yer fae a different time... Mibbe that's why ma family are hostile towards me? :thinking: No believin' the same things they do, as yer supposed to when yer mum's a deeply religious, uptight, controlling wummin.

 

[Graeme1988]

Sorry if this seems a bit crass or rude, but if you become desensitised to something after being exposed to it long enough and don't react as you typically would, is that normal? Because I've become this way as far as porn and the urge - or lack thereof - to masturbate while viewing it is concerned. Ah know this goes completely against that tired stereotype associated with men and pornography. Anyway enough of my daft musing for now.

^ I'm probably going to get accused of wanking, even though I genuinely wasn't. Since no asexual man can't view heterosexual porn without wanking to it.

 

[dezzy94]

Graeme do you have a brother called "FOR REAL" ?

 

[Graeme1988]

Graeme do you have a brother called "FOR REAL" ?

:bigsmile: Wasn't that a user who used post here a few years ago? Wus he Scottish, anaw? Ah cannae remember.

Though, noo you've asked that question, it just brings me in mind o' these sketches fae Scottish comedy series Burnistoun.
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