Och aye the noo

[Graeme1988]

It's funny, not really, but what some people think passes for love:thumbdown:
All I can do to get through things like that especially with older people is think "That was how they were raised and they don't know any better" Keeps me from taking things too personally sometimes anyways.

Ah really wish it wus that easy for me, but, it's kind difficult when the older wimmin in ma family should know better, rather than constantly gie the excuse of "Och, ah didnae mean it like that..."

How else would ya take being told "It's awrite for you..." - which is basically the Scottish way of sayin' "You've got it easy" I'm only citing this example because my Mum said this to me today when I stood up to her yet again. Feminists don't seem to like that from men, being called on their sleekit ways.

Anyway, ah responsed rather harshly, when I said: "Aye right. Ah've hud it easy since gettin' that surgery, eh? D'you huv any idea whit the last 3 months huv been like for me?". Sorry, it just gets on ma tits that my family constantly put me down in that not so subtle way and then justify it with an excuse to get away it. Either way, I'm always the bad yin, always.

Startin' tae think that, perhaps those 8 hellish years where me an ma Dad tried to bond, but ultimately failed, weren't about forming a father/son relationship? But more an attempt to making me stand up for myself, step up and be a man. Even if ma Dad wus'nae the ideal role model when it came to being a man. Still, at least, he never avoid a question when I asked it, because he wus too uptight to discuss or intimidated by me, intellectually. Sorry for that digression intae ma past. It's just ye dinnae really see how much yer like yer parents until yin o' them dies.

Can't wait till for you to get a good nights sleep!!! Sleep deprivation is really awful on a person.
Then you try to stay positive with your recovery with no sleep-not fun!!!

Oh, neither can I! In fact, gettin' back intae ma bedroom and away from endless questions from family, as regards "Whit ye daein?", is the only thing that's motivatin' me to get better. Well, that, and the possibilty of huvin to endure another argument when ma older sister pays a visit, coupled with constantly giving out about me not be as social or talkative as the rest of the family. :kickingmyself:

Which, can I just say, having that pointed out to me numerously. It doesnae make me want to talk more, btw. Quite the opposite. Besides, it's no like ah've got much to say, anyway. Plus, not being as educated or cultured as the rest of the family, makes me feel oot o' ma intellectual depth by comparison. :sad: And still think ma family think the main reason for me reading books is cuz am smart. Nut, it more to do wae the fact naebuddy bothers ye when yer readin' a book. Other than to ask the usual small talk questions any reader gets asked,

 

[Graeme1988]

No got much tae report the day, as far as ma rehab goes - it's comin' along at a decent pace. Despite feelin' the weight of expectation on me. But then that totally understable, since me and ma consultant surgeon baith want the same outcome fae ma recovery.

Though, the lack of sleep is makin' the days just flee past, which isnae great. Because when ah huv good days, or manage to get oot the house as ah did last Thursday and this past Saturday, those good moments are kinda pushed aside with 24 or 48 hours to return ma focus to ma rehab. Which takes away from those brief where ah don't think about it at all.

 

[Graeme1988]

Oh, the only good that happen today, is that ma sister agreed that we'll be going back to the Edinburgh Fringe this year. Planning to stay for a weekend.

Drive up on Friday morning, book into a travelodge, catch a few show in the afternoon, evening, an possibly a late-night show? Saturday - wander aboot, take in the sights aka Edinburgh Castle. See a few more shows. Then book tickets for a few afternoon shows on Sunday , then drive back home after them. So that could be, at least, 8 shows within 72 hours if we really priorities, like we did last year.

And we're also going to chance our luck and apply for the free tickets that the BBC allocate during their TV coverage of the Fringe for folk to be in the audience. One of the district nurses who paid me a home visit while I was still in plaster mentioned this to me, as she and her husband try and go to the Fringe each year. Anyway, I'm going to apply and see if ah cun get tickets for The One Show, which is filmed live during the week, and see if ah cun get on BBC One wearin' yin o' ma ironic yet offensive t-shirts. :bigsmile: Aw am sayin' is, Edinburg better brace itsel' cuz ah'll be pack a bag full of offensively funny, politically incorrect, t-shirts this year. :sarcastic:

 

[Graeme1988]

Still in an upbeat mood efter that crackin' Saturday night oot in Glasgow. Which is weird, normal once ah've hud a great night oot, the high positivity usual buggers off by now. Ah'll bored ye with the details the morra, when am huvin some downtime from the intense rehab am pittin' masel' through.

 

[Graeme1988]

Well, ma recently upbeat mood has f**ked off. At least it wus fun while it lasted. :sad:

Don't know what ah've done to be treated with such disrespected by ma Mum? Aw, that's right, ah wus born male and ah look exactly like ma dad. :kickingmyself:

 

[Graeme1988]

I'm so pissed off right now. Ugh! Gawd, ah cannae take much mair o' this! :veryangry: :kickingmyself:

Earlier this evening, while ah wus up walkin' with the aid of ma zimmer, when ma right knee almost buckle under me. Natural, ah think the sensible thing to do is rest ma legs to avoid any further near falls or injury. Since the last thing ah want is ma right knee to take the full impact of a fall, y'know... With there being a plate ithn that knee now.

Understable, innit? Or so ye would think, but naw. My Mum once again shows her true colours yet again and says: "Ha! Yer no exactly helpin' yersel', are ye?". Now, yous can give me any excuse ye want as to how to justify that smug remark. My Mum justified in her usual way, by implying that I'm stupid cuz I misunderstood whit she meant.

Funny that, isn't it? The old "Men are stupid, throw rocks at 'em" cliché. How else yer suppose tae perceive a remark said, in such a contemptible tone, at expense of yer own physical pain is beyond me? Ah mean, whit ma Mum said is hardly the kinda remark you'd make as a joke without a degree of self awareness.

But that how she is, says something with little regards for how it will affect my self-esteem. And wimmin are the more empathetic gender, apparently? Aye, sure they are... Towards each other. Men, on the other hand - nah! They don't matter. Selfish, emotionless, inconsiderate f**kwits that they are!**

** Afore ye get offended by this last bit, it's purely based upon my interaction with the wimmin in ma family huv'nae exactly treated me like a son or brother. **

 

[Graeme1988]

Don't know if I'm makin' much progress in ma recovery. It seem everytime ah try to push masel' that wee bit further to get better, my Mum insist on holdin' me back. When ah actually need to push myself, in terms of endurance, to get better.

Since sittin' idle isnae gonnae stengthen ma legs, improve ma walkin'aor get me back upstairs any quicker. Ah guess, it just pisses me off that ma Mum an oldest sister seem tae huv more say as to when ah should be gettin' up an walkin' aboot. Yet am only tryin' tae follow the advice given by ma physiotherapist.

Yet ma Mum seems more preoccupied with readin' her magazines, watchin' telly than helpin' me. Or gettin' me up early so she can lie on top of ma temporary livin' room bed an nappin', while I sit on the couch. :thumbdown: Doesnae seem fair that, does it?

 

[Graeme1988]

Well, it seems things huv slowed to a crawl as far as my recovery goes. My Mum is refusing to help after ah basically gave her the ultimatum of either choicing to help me or leave it to me and my sister.

Obviously, she's made her choice because she's been upstair for just under 2 hours. Of course, she'll lie to the physiotherapist about how often I've been gettin' up to walk tomorrow, which am no surprised by.

Looks like ah'll be spendin' another month doon the stairs at this rate. And ah'll still be in the livin' room when ma sister comes to visit. And she'll do her usually self-diagnosis of thinkin' am autistic, just because ah refuse tae f***in' speak to her or my family. Despite huvin practically f**k all in common, and frequently huvin ma beliefs, opinions and personal tastes as it relates to pop culture ridiculed by her. :kickingmyself:

Gee... Ah wonder why ah've choosen tae keep to myself? :thinking: Naw, it cannae be the fact that whenever ah speak naebuddy listens or when ah express an opinion am laughed at. And just 2 weeks ago everythin' seemed to be goin' well, until ma Mum hud to open her gob the other night and put me down. Looks like this surgery will be all for not, since ma Mum's decided she's not willing to help anymore. :thumbdown:

To quote her verbatim... "Oh, but ah don't know if you'll be in a bad mood, so ah don't bother"

Which implies ah wake up as miserable c**t, and go to bed a miserable c**t. Aye, the only am in "bad mood" is because our agreed schedule from 2 weeks ago has got to shite, aw because ah kindly asked for some privacy. Which, apparently, am no entitled to, unless am in ma bedroom.

 

[Graeme1988]

F***in' hate feminists! By which, ah mean the ones who are always playin' tha feckin' victim never takin' responsibilty for their words or action. Convinced they're right when they're actually wrong, but will'nae admit that cuz they're perfect in every way and can do no wrong. :veryangry:

F**k ma life!! :kickingmyself:

 

[Graeme1988]

Made some progress the day, managed to do a couple o' short walks from the livin' room couch tae the looby an back. Huv'nae walked the full length of the house lobby and back to the livin' room jist yet.

Though, ah don't know if that'll be good enough to get me intae the gym? Since ah really should be daein aw this walkin' with ma leg braces on fur extra support. Oh, and it looks like ma orthopedic shoes will'nae be ready until April 11th efter aw - there being specially made. Oh, and nae word on the leg brace that got sent up tae Glasgow, either. As far as ah know they're gonnae just post it back to ma address when it's fixed. Obviously takin' they're sweet time wae it aw.

And ah'd probbaly be back upstairs by noo if they'd measure me for shoes the day ah got ma plasters off, rather than wastin' aw that time an money.

 

[Graeme1988]

Got some good news today. According to ma physiotherapist, it shouldnae be long afore ah get back upstairs. Which am happy about, but... Don't exactly feel overly excited aboot. No sure why, mibbe it's huvin got used to being downstair for so long, ah've forgot whit it's like in ma bedroom.

Also, feelin' quite irritated that ma physio laughed at me the day, cuz ah wus apprehensive at standin' with ma crutches and standin' withoot ma shoes. As if if it's no normal to feel nervous at daein summit ye huv'nae done before.

And ma oldest sister, where tae start... Ugh! She f***in' berates me for being shaky oan ma crutches. "The day efter ye got yer plaster off ye attempted to walk. So ah dinnae see how ye cannae daein now"

Eh, that could huv summit tae do with the fact, ma legs didnae swell up until 2 days after ah got ma plaster off. And ah didnae feel any pain cuz ma lower legs hud so stiff from being compressed in the plaster. Oh, and when ah did attempt ma crutch on Tuesday, Feb. 23rd, ah lost ma balance and landed on the bed, twice! But lets just let that fact slide, huh?

Then she bangs on aboot me no being confident an how, and ah quote:
"...shouldnae underestimate yerself. Yer far mair capable than ye think"

^ Now, ah know that doesnae seem like a negative thing to say, but it's hard to believe that comin' fae a person who has a tendency to lie and being condescending toward ye.

 

[Graeme1988]

Oh, and ah don't really like ma physiotherapy team. Nuthin' against them as people, though. It's just... They don't really know me as well as ma physiotherapist in Annan. See when ah wus gettin' physical therapy at the hospital in Annan, the physiotherapist knew quite a bit aboot my cerebral palsy and what ma walkin' wus like afore surgery. This new lot huv'nae got a clue. Ah don't say that to pit them doon or anythin', just it's quite frustratin' to try an recall whit ma walkin' wus like pre-surgery. With ma memory being quite bad in terms of recallin' information.

And am no great with meetin' new people, or people in general. Being an introvert and a loner, ah've never really been yin for talkin' aboot masel' much. Even though, ah used to be a bit like in my teens, but quickly realised am come across as an arrogant eejit.

 

[Graeme1988]

:kickingmyself: Why me? Why am I always the yin who gets snapped after ma Mum gets off the phone, after listen to my older sister weep about her marriage troubles? Aw ah wanted to know wus if ah'd be gettin' woke up early, like ah did today...

Ah know it cannae easy listen tae a daughter going through a difficult time, but they're nae need to take it oot on me. F**k, tell her to get a divorce an be done with, she get tae keep the wee 'un anyway. Since the family courts side with wimmin in most custody cases. Nae point stayin' in an miserable relationship with someone who treats ye badly.

Thank f**k, am an ugly lookin' c**t and still single... Relationships, marriage an huvin kids dinnae seem to worth the time or money these day. Feminism has really turn wimmin intae entitled, narcasstic princesses. Cuz wimmin and girls are good by default, and men and boys are... problematic, defective and bad.

Sorry, ladies, don't mean to come across as a misogynistic c**t. But, as a man, when ye get exposed tae and get mind-f***ed by batshit-crazy feminist nonsense for the duration of yer formative years. The only way to maintain what little sanity and manhood ye have, is to withdraw from society and cum on it's face. :bigsmile:

Ah know it's political incorrect to be so staunchly against feminism in this day an age. Even if most high-profile feminists preach equality between men an wimmin but demands gender superiority. What a f**kin' irony, eh? :sarcastic:

Hope ah huv'nae said anythin' triggering or offensive that could upset aw the feminists an Social Justice Worriers on Tumblr?

 

[FountainandFairfax]

The only way to maintain what little sanity and manhood ye have, is to withdraw from society and cum on it's face.

Well, that's one way of looking at it.

 

[Graeme1988]

Well, that's one way of looking at it.

:bigsmile: Aye, albeit, pornographic and vulgar...

Rather ironic, considering ah grew up in the very puritanical, deeply conservative, uptight south-western part of Scotland, which is very wary of outsiders or anyone who's different in opinion and cultural tastes. And they f**kin' hate swearing. So it's a bit like the southern states of America, in term of being very tightnet and eccentric.

Ah mean, the closest ah got to huvin "the talk", wus my absentee father buyin' me a pack of condoms as a late 18th birthday present an tellin' me to use 'em wisely. Oh, how ah really wish that wus a joke ah'd made for a laugh, but... mg:

 

[FountainandFairfax]

:bigsmile: Aye, albeit, pornographic and vulgar...

Rather ironic, considering ah grew up in the very puritanical, deeply conservative, uptight south-western part of Scotland, which is very wary of outsiders or anyone who's different in opinion and cultural tastes. And they f**kin' hate swearing. So it's a bit like the southern states of America, in term of being very tightnet and eccentric.

Ah mean, the closest ah got to huvin "the talk", wus my absentee father buyin' me a pack of condoms as a late 18th birthday present an tellin' me to use 'em wisely. Oh, how ah really wish that wus a joke ah'd made for a laugh, but... mg:

I live in the southern states of America and I know exactly what you mean.

I never got any talk either, besides "wrap it up" which was imparted to me by my uncle, and "don't get caught", a nugget bestowed by my dad.

I still don't know what my dad was talking about.

 

[Graeme1988]

Is it wrong of me not tae be so emotionally attached to people? Does that make me a bad person? Um ah in the wrong for being more focusin' on gettin' masel' back tae full fitness rather than the dysfunctional drama occurrin' aroon me?

Ah mean, aye, it does affect me but it's more irritatin' than emotionally upset tae me. Though, the constant arguments are probably why ah tend to keep to maself an huv become more private an socially withdrawn nowadays. Compared tae how open, honest and upbeat ah used tae be... :sad:

Still ah'll probably get accused of bein' autistic cuz of my lack of affection towards ma family (Ah rarely say "I love you") and keepin' many o' ma thoughts, feelings an opinions to maself. Despite, my dad being this way towards me in the 8 years he wus around, afore ah decided there wus'nae much point in tryin' tae bond wae the yin parent who abandoned me shortly after ah wus born.

 

[Graeme1988]

Well, everything's going tae shite around me. And ah couldnae give a f**k. :idontknow: YouTube
YouTube

 

[Graeme1988]

Constantly feelin' like ah huv tae justify everythin' to ma family. Like today, being asked why ah wus so tired... Ugh! F***in' hell, is it no obvious why, eh?! No sleepin' in ma ain bed, for the past 3 months. Ah've got the flu and really sore head - so, y'know? Forgive me if ah didnae feel up for daein much the day.

And ma family are still gittin' oan ma nerves, doin' things for that ah didnae ask for, then implyin' am an ungrateful c**t. :kickingmyself: Honestly, ah feel like endin' it aw, ah really do. Hate this f***in' narcasisstic, social media/self-obssesed culture we live in now. Where everybuddy feels they've got the right tae know every detail of yer personal life... Regardless of how interestin' or borin' it might be. F**k off, an mind yer ain business, ya nosy c*nts!

 

[Graeme1988]

No feelin' well the day, so huv'nae really done much walkin' or exercise.

Diet's been pretty poor lately, and ma eating habits huv return to normal, yet. Don't know if that's summit ah should be worried aboot? :idontknow: