Och aye the noo

[theslowesthand]

Would you socialize and feel at ease around people who frequently, without any consideration toward yer feelings, would just make snide, dismissive comments about you tae yer face, like, in the hope you give the similar remarks back?

This almost sounds like you are filling a "need" they have, like they are "feeding" off invoking conflict/ire/animosity/anger/etc.
Ever heard of the term "pain body"? (is in a book by eckhart tolle). Theory is, that each of us has one, and that these "entities" within us like to "feed" off other pain bodies with similar "frequency". They "feed" by triggering conflict scenarios with others, quite often for no apparent reason. It is a "way out" philosophy, but i'm finding there's some truth to it...
:question:

 

[Graeme1988]

This almost sounds like you are filling a "need" they have, like they are "feeding" off invoking conflict/ire/animosity/anger/etc.
Ever heard of the term "pain body"? (is in a book by eckhart tolle). Theory is, that each of us has one, and that these "entities" within us like to "feed" off other pain bodies with similar "frequency". They "feed" by triggering conflict scenarios with others, quite often for no apparent reason. It is a "way out" philosophy, but i'm finding there's some truth to it...
:question:

Nope! Haven't heard the term, but I'm vaguely familiar with Tolle's work and philosophy.

So, do you mean that my family are constantly feeling the need to trigger conflict or mess with me emotionally, because they "feed off" me getting pissed off and upset?

If so, then there's definitely some truth to it. As that's what my family have been doing to me from a young age. I was very much the scapegoat of the family, still am to some degree.

 

[Graeme1988]

Yep, a kiwi, but most white folks down here come from way up your way.

Oh aye, that's right! Just brought me in mind of that travel documentary of New Zealand and Australia that Billy Connolly did back in the 90s.

Myself, i have some scottish, irish, english & jersey. I figure that my miserableness is from ireland, crankiness & liking for the "dram" from scotland, whinginess from england, & emotional unstability from jersey (france) ...

Us Scots can just as miserable as the Irish. If not, more so... We can just be dour, negative b*****ds, sometimes.

"Oh, ah dinnae like that"
"That's no funny, son"
"Ye cannae dae that"
"Naw, ah wouldnae bother with that"
"This'll probably be shite, but we'll see how it pans oot" :bigsmile:

Also my grandpop was a bonnie wee piper - actually the #1 piper in nz at one point!

^ Really?! That's awesome! :thumbup:

He also played mandolin. He loved his music, and so do others in his family. Even though he moved here as a toddler, he still had a great fondness for all things scottish.

Oddly enough, I play the mandolin as well. Still learning the basic, mind you.
Though, as I've gotten older I've come to love a lotta old, 70s Scottish folk/bluegrass music and the bagpipes. Or rather, I appreciate it more than I used to. Sadly, I wish I could still recite Robert Burns poetry like ah did when ah wus a wee lad.

I'm starting to think that our ancestry/dna does influence our personality & interests, more than we might think... :thinking:

Aye, ah think so, too. Ah've definitely become more like ma dad personality-wise as I've gotten older. What I've inherited from my dad, in terms of interests, ah dinnae really ken? :idontknow: Other than reading some of Noam Chomsky's books, that's aboot it, really. But then, ma dad met and knew Chomsky, personally.

Ah don't know if ah got ma high, overly sensitivity nature from my mum or ma dad. Since they aren't too fond of overly violent movies - and weirdly enough, neither am I.

Ye make an interest point nonetheless, slowhand. Ye said yer grandpa moved to New Zealand when he was still a toddler, and he had a fondness for all things Scottish. So, and feel free to correct me here, I'm guessing his parent were Scots who emigrated to that part of the world?

 

[Graeme1988]

Overheard my family talking about me again... Why do they not understand that ah'd rather not be around them due to how they've treated me in the past. The constant sarcasm, belittling, disrespectful remarks don't exactly fade from memory quickly when it's yer family sayin' 'em.

 

[Graeme1988]

Every-freakin'-time ah express how ah feel in words, ma family seem to find a way to twist what am sayin' an misunderstand whit am sayin'... No wonder ah opt to just shut ma gob 99% of the time? :kickingmyself:

 

[theslowesthand]

Every-freakin'-time ah express how ah feel in words, ma family seem to find a way to twist what am sayin' an misunderstand whit am sayin'... No wonder ah opt to just shut ma gob 99% of the time? :kickingmyself:

Either they're doin it deliberate (cause they get a "kick" out of the conflict, or find it "amusing"), or they're doin it subconsciously (pain body), or they're just plain neurotic as hell (& :. constantly "on the look out" for any slightly anti-them stuff, & also :. creating/attracting such conflicts/scenarios unto themselves) .. or any combo of those... :question::thinking:

 

[Graeme1988]

Either they're doin it deliberate (cause they get a "kick" out of the conflict, or find it "amusing"), or they're doin it subconsciously (pain body), or they're just plain neurotic as hell (& :. constantly "on the look out" for any slightly anti-them stuff, & also :. creating/attracting such conflicts/scenarios unto themselves) .. or any combo of those...

It's kinda hard to tell at times, probably a combo of the two. Though, they used get a kick outta it cuz ah'd not respond to 'em, just keep quiet. In retrospect ah shouldnae huv done that. But then fleein' off the handle wouldnae huv done me any favours.

Oh, but their definitely neurotic, cuz ma mum an sisters don't like when ah do ma own thing... or go against their suggestions. Since their doin' and want whit's best for me. And anytime ah ask advice, ah usually get a shoulder shruggin' response: :idontknow: "Ah don't know.. It's up tae you" :thinking: :kickingmyself:

 

[Graeme1988]

Firstly, the world's fukt!! :kickingmyself: :sad: Humanity would better off withoot religion in ma opinion. Or, at least, keep the good bit an fling oot the rest, like. Just sayin'... That no' me tryin' to start a debate oan here or summit.

And, secondly, why in tha buckin' f**k do ah huv tae humour ma family an talk tae them, ah don't even git oan with them, collectively. Oh, but ah've got to see ma niece. Christ, ah'd rather not, to be honest.

Sorry if am bein' a total knob here, but if the fact she looks like her mum's any indictation. Then she's probably inherit ma older sister's tendency for flee off the handle when things don't her way.

Basically, would you hing aboot with somebuddy if they were just a narrow-minded, bitter, manipulative bawbag whenever you around ? Ah wouldnae ! In fact, ah'd gan oot ma way tae avoid that person.

 

[Graeme1988]

I think I might've pulled a muscle or two in ma arm. Bought a couple of 20kg dumbbell the other day - by f**k, they're heavy. Probably should've worked ma way up tae lift that kinda weight? But ah couldnae find ma auld 12kg weights.

Och! Ah'll get use to liftin' the 20kg, nae bother. At least, am makin' an effort to git in shape afore ma operation in tha new year. Just wish ah could stick to ma diet, but it's been difficult. Not the cutting stuff out, but gettin' healthy stuff in. Ma mum doesnae seem to give a f**k that ah actually want to lose weight. But then, she's had a history of not givin' a f**k about me.

 

[Graeme1988]

In a pretty shitty place - both mentally an' the wee toon in which ah reside - at the moment. Absolutely feck all seems to go ma way, at the moment. Though, that the story uh ma life, pretty much. :kickingmyself:


Am jist it ma wits end, like. So effin' fed-up with constantly being bullied an blackmailed intae spendin' time with ma family, most of whom as y'know, ah dinnae exactly git along with. :thumbdown: But enough uh ma dreich patter.

Oan a mair positive note, ah recently bought masel a pair uh dumbbell weight and am startin' tae see some result already. Which is good since ah've only got a week until ma pre-op assessement.

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah really wish ah hud someone who I could trust and confide in, because I'm struggling at the moment. :sad:

Ah know ah shouldnae be, but I am really nervous about this pre-op assesment oan Monday. And ah mean shit scared, despite be aware of just how irrational am being.

But ah guess that's how ye turn oot when yer batshit crazy mum keeps insisting that ye shouldnae trust anybuddy. Which is great way of makin' yer disabled bairn want to be social and make friends, innit?

Naw, no really, ye just sufferin' for it in the end. Internalin' aw the things ye feel an think, and never truly express yersel' like a normal person would. Because yer so feart that you're gonnae sayin' summit wrong in their presence and huv it used against ye. So much so that ye become a mute and only speak when spoken to.

Ah wish ma dad hud been a more positive influence oan ma life afore he died. It's shite huvin' tae teach yersel' stuff that ye should've learnt from yer dad but didnnae. It's hard life being disabled, even more so if ye been forced and indoctrinated into following a religion belief that you think is utter pish.*

*Nae offense intended to anyone who religious here.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Ah really wish ah hud someone who I could trust and confide in, because I'm struggling at the moment. :sad:

My inbox is always open if you need to talk or vent (I may just take a couple days to reply coz I go through phases of being online)

 

[Graeme1988]

My inbox is always open if you need to talk or vent (I may just take a couple days to reply coz I go through phases of being online)

Thank you, much appreciated. :thumbup:

 

[Graeme1988]

Whit a dumb, feckin' eejit I am... F**k! :kickingmyself:

_____________________________________________________

If only ah hud a better, more loving parents. Mibbe then ah wouldnae huv turn oot the way ah huv - an awkward, insecure failure. :sad:

It's no been easy being expected to know stuff ye huv'nae been taught. But that's how wimmin are - in ma experience. Expecting you to know everything.

And huvin tae teach yersel' stuff that yer parents should've taught ye, but they were too preoccupied caring about themselves and their other kids to notice me. :sad:

Supposedly smart yet so lackin' in confidence, it's humiliating.

Being taught by ma mum not to trust anybuddy has really turned ma heid to mince. And being burden with her narrow-minded, bitter outlook oan life hasn't done me any favours. Nae wonder ah've found it difficult forming any meaningful connections with folk.

Also, ah think struggling with anxiety and depression has made me incapable of reading folk's emotions. Is that normal ? :idontknow:

 

[Graeme1988]

Just to clarify what I meant by "normal" in my last post, is the inability to read folk emotionally something that occurs when you've had a life-long struggle with depression?

__________________________________________________________________________

Anyway, feelin' kinda shitty at the moment, when to a gig the other day which I really couldnae be arsed, nor did I enjoy. I mean, I'd seen Def Leppard and Whitesnake before, and wus'nae that bothered about seeing them in concert again. Though, this 2nd time round they were utter shite - or their live sound was, to be more exact. The bass was far too loud, guitars were muddy - if that's correct term of electric gee-tars that don't sound great? - and the vocal partially non-existent.

Plus, we were in cheap seats which isn't exact the most fun place to be, if ye tend to get dizzy while lookin' down for a height for a few hours. :thumbdown:

 

[Graeme1988]

Few things have been bothering me, lately. Though, the main issues that really been gettin' on ma tits, is the fact that, no matter how times I say I don't feel comfortable or don't feel up to doing somethin', I have to do it. Why? Because I don't really have a choice, otherwise I'm just made out to be a c*nt or a bad person, which I am in many ways.

I've been feelin' kinda cynical about my orthopedic surgery. In that - no matter how ye look at it - it's just a temporary fix, which I don't see having much affect upon my disability in long term, really. Because it's going to get worse as I continue to age, which is shite. My biggest fear is that they botch it - I know I probably shouldnae be thinkin' like that. It's just the last surgery didnae exactly go to plan. Other than it's the usual pish of questioning my own existence - ie, why am I here? Why didn't I just die at birth? As I don't really serve any particular purpose, really.

 

[Graeme1988]

I'm just so pissed off with everything...

Fed with my family lookin' at me and thinking they can guess what's going through my head. Just because ah might look calm, cool and collect doesnae internally I'm not freaking out. Cuz believe me I am.

It's no easy huvin to figure stuff out on yer own, naebuddy there to guide ye or keep ye right. Huv to learn by f***in' up aw the time. :sad:

Growing up with nae positive role models or a father figure - doesnae exactly scream you go fair in life, does it? And a boy need yin, regardless of what the media says about kids raised by single mums. Not all them are up to the job of doing it alone...


Plus, if yer telt you'll never amount to anythin' for much of yer life, why even bother make an effort, eh? Ah mean why even bother being social when most of time folk just drag you doon tae their level, and give ye shit for not liking the same things as them. Some much for individualism, eh?

Oh, dinnae think that just am introverted and read a lot means am an intellectual kinda person, either. Cuz am no, ah wish ah wus but I genuinely believe other folk are far smarter then I'll ever hope of being. In all honest ma hobbies were merely a means to an end, an escape for the constant dyfunction going on around me.

Sorry, just venting... Kinda conflict aboot whether ah should distance maself from ma family before this potental life changing orthopedic surgery in the New Year ?

 

[Graeme1988]

Why is it so difficult to make this decision? Is it because I'm constantly be told I need my family? Being telt that they love me, despite the words, actions and attitude towards me being the exact opposite of lovin'.

Or constantly being contradicted whenever I speak or make a decision for myself.

 

[MollyBeGood]

Which decision?

Oh congrats on your new tablet! I love mine...

Gladiator is another film to add to my list for you Oh no. there is a Russel Crowe theme emerging

 

[Graeme1988]

Which decision?

Just rid myself of the negative, dour-faced, narrow-minded, judgemental folk in my life. Family in other words. Y'know it's got to a point where there's nae gan back, really. Nae point trying to make peace with folk who clearly care more about themselves and their own egos than they do my wellbeing. That said I am the youngest so yer expected to more tolerate & forgiving of yer family treat ye like crap. But of course, my family constantly made me feel inferior. And not many mothers stab their own kid in the hand for disobeying them. So, y'know mibbe tellin' them to make like a tree and, eh... f**k off is for the best?

Oh congrats on your new tablet! I love mine...

Thanks... Best £200 plus pounds I've spent since I splurged out on DVD with my Xmas money a few years ago and Amazon thought my account got hacked. :bigsmile: Looks that new guitar, recording equipment an software'll huv tae wait til early 2016.

Gladiator is another film to add to my list for you Oh no. there is a Russel Crowe theme emerging

Cheers, ah huv'nae watched Gladiator in ages. Oh and A Beautiful Mind... Another movie with Russel Crowe that fits the whole triumph over adversity theme.