Och aye the noo

[theslowesthand]

My life's pretty miserable an' all right now especially. Many days "wasted" in bed, trying to recoup my energy, which never seems to happen as of late. :kickingmyself:

I see these "down spells" as a "storm" that one just has to ride-out. There's no quick-fix. And perhaps even having some down-time helps to address these issues??

Yeah, it's a bugger when the mind's not thinking right. Are you looking after yourself? (eating right, meds, ..)

 

[MollyBeGood]

*Hugs* to you!

Be strong things will get better. You just gotta wait out the shi-t...sometimes the shi-t is super stinky and super long yep-gross! But then the other side is that much better for you for all of the time you spent in it, being miserable.

Keep writing here. We want you happy and wish you the best, always.

 

[Graeme1988]

My life's pretty miserable an' all right now especially. Many days "wasted" in bed, trying to recoup my energy, which never seems to happen as of late. :kickingmyself:

Aye, same for me... Hardly slept a wink lately, though.

I see these "down spells" as a "storm" that one just has to ride-out. There's no quick-fix. And perhaps even having some down-time helps to address these issues??

Down-time would probably help me, but I never seem to find the time as of late.

Yeah, it's a bugger when the mind's not thinking right. Are you looking after yourself? (eating right, meds, ..)

Am no' on any meds. Cuz ah hud a bad experience with them in the past. So, y'know, am kinda wary going back on 'em.

But I'm trying to eat healthy and exercise as best I can. It's not easy, though. I've only got a pedal exerciser and some dumbbell weights for exercising in the house. What with my cerebral palsy limiting what I can do mobility wise. But, oan the plus, ah got the results of my recent gait examination through today. So just matter of wait and see regarding orthopedic surgery. They probably give me a right-hip replacement (or both, depending on how buggered those joints are). Anyway...

The healthy eating part of things is proving harder than it should. Bananas, apples, yogurts are probably the only healthy option in the house. Everything else is a diabetic's dream buffet...

*Hugs* to you!

Be strong things will get better. You just gotta wait out the shi-t...sometimes the shi-t is super stinky and super long yep-gross! But then the other side is that much better for you for all of the time you spent in it, being miserable.

Will things get better...? Sorry to sound pessimistic. That's what years of living with a irrational, cynical parent will do tae ye.

Ah just feel like ah've been waiting out a shit loada shit for years.

Keep writing here. We want you happy and wish you the best, always.

Ah try ma best to keep writing here. But lately, ah've felt writing when I'm pissed on here will bring other folk down. Cheers, none the less. I appreciate the words of support. :thumbup:

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah don't believe things are going to get any better for me. Might as well accept how ma life is now, since f**k all is likely to change anytime soon. Am still somewhat hopeful about getting the orthopedic surgery, but am starting to doubt whether enduring angonizing rehab for a third time in ma life is gonnae even be worth it. Ah doubt it'll be as life-changing as ah hope. Though, that might just be me going off the past failed attempts at correcting whit's wrong with me physically.

Things huv'nae been aw that great for me lately, anyway. Struggling to get myself outta bed. Pain in right hip an' lower back. So just walking takes a helluva an effort. Auld age hus caught up with me. Mentally am equally buggered. Depression is slowly killing me. Ma memory's going.

Ah cannae even trust ma ain judgement anymore. Because, every time ah make whit ah think is a sensible decision, ma mum constantly feel tha need to contradict that an' tell me "No' tae bother". So, fae now oan, tha few wirds that come oot ma gob the better. Oh, and ma family are now making nae secret o' tha fact they hate being around me. And they wonder why ah keep to myself a lot uh the time.

Am also dreading going back to Edinburgh in 2 weeks times for the annual Fringe festival... Despite the fact ah should be excited about. Though, after what's happened the two previous times ah wus there, ah've probably got a good enough reason to feel slightly wary...

 

[Graeme1988]

Hiya, folks... Ye awrite, aye? Huv'nae been on here for awhile.

Feelin' quite depressed, actually. Wondering why tha f**k am continue livin', y'know? Ma main reason is tae outlive anybuddy who's only than 35.

Lately, ah feel ma life's going naewhere. Kinda wondering whit ma purpose in life is, really.

Ah think ma sister an' brother-in-law might be getting a divorce. Well, ah don't know, they've been arguing for nearly the whole they were here visiting. They hud a helluva rammie on Wednesday afternoon, apparently ma mum said summit they hud them both fleeing off the handle. Doors slamming, yelling... It was like ma sister hud moved back.

Anyway, ah don't know if ah should feel guilty for always being neutral in these situation an' keeping to myself?

Also, am going tae the Edinburgh Festival again this year. I'll be aware from tomorrow, but ah don't know if it'd be wise to wear a potential offensive t-shirt and sit at the side of the stage during one of the stand-up comedy gigs I've got a ticket for? Y'know whit us social anxious are like when it comes to having attention drawn to us...

 

[Graeme1988]

Oh f**k... Me, a disabled Scotsman from a wee, uptight conservative toon in the south uh Scotland, trailing about the Royal Mile in Edinburgh during the annual Fringe Festival in a t-shirt with an offensive, albeit, ironic joke written on it. Whoa! Provocative as f**k, eh? Better get ready for some dirty looks, laughs, compliments and a potential punch in tha gob.

Mind you, it's Scotland we're talking about here. We, generally, don't give a f**k about offensive jokes. :bigsmile:

 

[Graeme1988]

Eh, um... Ah never know how to start those posts without making a stupid joke. Unless I'm really depressed not, which is f**kin' weird. Been oddly cheery as of late. Which very outta character, am usually the dour-faced, miserable yin.

Anyway, ah think ma cheery mood is, in part, due to everything around me going to shit, and for once - am no' gittin' blamed.

So, ma sister's week long visit near the end of July had the typical flee of the handle shout-fest which ah've gotten accustomed to. Ever since that family holiday to Southerness when ah wus wee - that how that ended anaw. Isn't a stressful tense living situation, great? F**k knows why she apologies to me for it happening every time; because it occurs with every visit.

Ah even used to joke about it, saying "It was always great to her (my older sister), but it's even better when she leaves". Though, being an observer, rather an instigator, of family arguments, ye do get few good laughs. Especially a Scottish person arguing with a fellow Scot. Or an Irish person arguing with a Scot.

Nae wonder ah wus fair looking forward to this past weekend in Edinburgh, ma sister went back to Ireland with her husband an' their gurning wee bairn the day afore. And it was a f**kin' belter, so it was. Ah'll tell youse about it soon. Ah feel like ah've wittered oan enough for this post.

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah feel depression is creeping back into my life. After a couple of weeks feeling great. :sad: Nae idea what's been up with me, lately, though. Going to bed early and waking at, like, 9 or 10 o'clock in the morning, feeling totally knackered.

Is it depression, or is the stress of what gaun oan aroon me - family arguments, me getting shit for keeping to myself, etc - overwhelming me? :idontknow:

 

[theslowesthand]

Sorry ta hear about that mate... :sad:

But yer not alone. Am srugglin' meself ti keep ma spirits up an' all. In fact am in a wee bit of a "mini-crisis" (wich is kinda a moreorless constant in ma life). Drinkin the ol dram ev'ry day .. scotch whskey, vodka, capt'n morgans (pirate rum) .. strait frm bottle .. no muckin about eh, hehe. Ae, it seems the ol spirits are tha one main thing ta "keepin ma sprites up", lol ...... (that an computr in bed, an bit of tv, an youtube music vids plyed thru stereo! ... but other than that, pretty much everythng else good in ma shitty life is just pissed off into the nether .. or maybe whit i imagined to be good .. but good or bad, evrythng's in a constant state of decay & dyin, which tbh is kinda buggin me a bit at tha mo' .. seems like ther's no real, solid "company" anymore .. losing ma "conection" wi fings). But as i say, i'am stubbinly refusing to let the deprssion/lethrgy/darknes/woe/sdness/etc/etc return .. as i keep my relentless forceful push aginst the imense weight of the negative "downwrds force" on ma whole being .. which if i ALLOW it will push me all the way down into the dirty, dark, wet, stinkin, filthy pit of complete despair & hopelssnes). True enuf tho, it all seems like a reglar, ineviatble cycle of UP..UP..UP, then DOWN..DOWN..DDOWN, to a cmplete "train crsh", coming right off th rails... :crying:
So, its hard yakka, but sometimes all ye can do is jst ta KEEP FIGHTIN against this "darkness force". But what that could consist of, could well be just whats INSIDE of us (ya knaw, our wee subcnscous shite 'n that .. which im bound to now suspctin' is not such that "wee" after all, but rather mmore "WOE" than prevoiusly thorght!)

Also it AINT jst me an yu bud, that aint too happy right naw, but i get this sorta more-down-than usual "vibe" from this forum (ya know, judging by the latest new thraeds n thit)
So who knoes, it culd be sth from th "mighty univerwse" thats tryin to give much poeple right naw, some "real quality down time". Who knows eh??? ... is what i say ... could be some prtty major forces at play ... so one MUST NOT give up the fight TODAY!!!......... (a wee bonny ryhme for ya, ta end ma post!, hehe ; )

 

[Graeme1988]

^ Did ye huv a few drinks afore ye wrote that, aye? Or are you tryin' tae mimick me or summit? Am offended or nuthin'. Just tryin ae figure oot where yer fae...?
Cuz ah fun masel lookin' it tha screen with this exactly expression:

Probably somewhere in the Northern region of England, am guessing Manchester, Yorkshire? Cannae be Carlisle... Naw, surely no' that far?

 

[Graeme1988]

Sorry, slowesthand... Eh, nice wee rhyme at the end o' yer post, there. :thumbup:

Anyway, ah think am just fed up with things as of late. The constant bickering that ensues whenever ma older sister pays a visit. Me constantly being made to feel like I'm wrong, making me doubt everything about myself. Being made to feel as though I'm an awful, horrible person. Being made to feel like a right dumb c**t cuz of ma disability. Why do some able-bodied folk talk down to disablity people like their retarded? Sorry, ah know that word will be offensive to some - just speaking from how ah've been treated and still get treated to some extent.

Why is it the youngest sibling who is always the one in the family that gets blamed for everything, burden with everyone else's problems and, treated like shit? That said my perspective isn't coming what you'd describe as a normal, conventional upbringing.

Ah don't know. Ah suppose I'm just fed up feeling pressured into be more social when ah don't even feel like ah belong or "fit in" anywhere - even within my own family. I'm treat like I'm a weirdo. Guess that's what ah get for being slightly more intelligent than the rest of ma family.

C'mon, join another social media site! Despite the fact ma life is boring and ah huv nuthin remotely interesting or insightful to say

Ah've been wondering a lot lately about how different ma life could've been, had I a positive male influence in ma life. Or loving, supportive, compassionate parents - either of those would've been great. Would've been nice to actually huv been able to talk about how I'm feeling with my parents. Ah never got that when ah needed it the most... Always, felt ma mum favoured ma sisters over me, anyway. Extreme gender feminism an' aw that?

Anyway, I'm just rambling oan as per usual... Huvin a wee moan about ma shitty existence.

 

[Graeme1988]

Is it even worth making the effort to overcome my issues on ma own? Since ah'll never be "normal", so why bother pretending otherwise. This constantly pressure to keep with everyone, yet ah always, always, always fall behind. :kickingmyself:

I'm always gonnae be this awkward, wee, inept, shy lad who doesnae fit in anywhere.

 

[Graeme1988]

 

[Graeme1988]

I reckon social anxiety is worse for those who suffer so much fear of people and life in general that they struggle to get out of the door and face the world. That simple things like talking to another person, speaking on the phone, are terrifying, just every minute of everyday is like a worst nightmare coming true.

This is pretty much ma life in nutshell. But then, ah guess that's the consequence of living a sheltered existence. Though, huvin a very strict parent with mental health and control issues isn't a doddle to live with. The constant negativity, the judgemental attitude, the lack of compassion and empathy.

Nae wonder, I'm so quiet, withdrawn, socially inept and not particularly trusting of other people. Though, ah also live in a wee, conservative, backward town in the south of Scotland where they're no' particularly friendly towards anyone who isn't exactly like them. So keeping to yersel is probably for the best, even if ye do git a bit lonely fae time to time.

 

[Graeme1988]

Well, nowt new tae report aboot ma life. Got letter about another hospital appointment wae the orthopedic department of ma local hospital in Dumfries. Which in two weeks time. Dreading huving ae talk to ma doctor.

On the plus, though, Dumfries Royal Infirmary recently made the region news here in Scotland as huvin the best out-patient care in the whole of Scotland. Which, efter ma previous experiences of out-patient care, is a huge relief. Yin less thing tae worry aboot going intae this surgery.

 

[Graeme1988]

Not feeling particularly great, lately. Kinda hard to put into words how I feel, really... Just feel like there's this empty void inside me coupled with this constant feel like am an outsider who doesnae quite belong amoungst ma ain kind as it were.

No matter what I do, I can't seem to just be happy. Don't know if that's due to me not having a great relationship with my family - which probably factors in somewhere? Me being the shy, brainy, introverted, sensitive c*nt o' tha family has been more of a burden than an asset for me.

I actually thought about killing masel' the other night, the keyword there being "thought". My life isn't getting any better. Whether corrective surgery will change that ah don't know. Living with a disability that only getting more crippling with age. It's a sair fecht...

But for some reason I'm still here... Feck knows why, like? :idontknow:

 

[Graeme1988]

Finding it quite difficult tae keep myself motivated an positive lately.

Also, ma self-confidence - or what little ah had - seems tae huv f**ked off

 

[Graeme1988]

Hiya, ye awrite? :greeting:

Well... It looks like my life is on the verge of massive change. This past Monday (September 7th 2015), the hospital appointment I had about get the long-awaited orthopedic surgery went surprisingly well, better than ah wus expecting to be honest.

Got complimented on how sensible I was for really putting a lot of thought into why I want these multiple operations, as opposed to get them done for some superficial reason. Quite rare that ah didnae turn that positivr compliment intae dismissive, self-loathing comment on maself.

Though, ah nearly went reid-faced when the wummin who'll be doing the surgery mentionedthat ah'll need quite a bit of upper body strength to get about intially after having the surgery and complimented me on being a hefty fella. :blushing: An aw this time ah just thought ah wus a bit o' a fat f***er. :bigsmile:

So, if my final consultant meeting gives the go-ahead, already knowing the risks involved, I should be getting a right-knee replacement, calf muscle lengthing, possibly on both legs, and the Achiles tendon cut to relieves the stiffness in my right ankle which has been causing me to walk tip-toed on my right side for a few years. Hopefully it'll be worth the few days stay in hospital.

No plans break and re-shape any bones in my feet as I was initially telt by one student surgeon... Thank goodness. Since rehab will take up to a year to get me back to full strength and the broken bones would just add to the agony of it aw. Ah been quite emotional thinking about it, actually. Ah mean, this is very much all or nothing for me. No sure if that's really commendable or naive stupidity on my part? :idontknow:

 

[Graeme1988]

If I'm absolutely honest, ah've got mixed feeling about this surgery. Mainly because it probably the first in ma life that ah didnae feel guity aboot pittin' masel' first, y'know? Nor did ah get contradicted or second-guessed when ah wus talking to the surgeon. Felt kinda weird for me to get treated like an adult by an adult for once. Definitely makes a welcome change to how my family treat me.

Though, ah really don't know how ah should feel if all goes well with surgery? Because ma relationship with ma family has been at the point for sometime now where ah'd much rather not be around an of 'em, truth be telt.

 

[Graeme1988]

Kinda been having doubts about this orthopaedic surgery, in that I'm not sure I've made the right choice. It's really annoying that I'm so indecisive... :kickingmyself: That what ah get for being "Are ye sure, now?" by my mum and oldest sister every time ah agree to something.

Still, I'm hopeful this will be for the best.