I don't think I'm as strong as some of youse might think, I mean mentally speaking
The more sig problems one has, the harder it is to be "strong" i believe. But is "strong" that good a thing, if it means bottling everything up inside???
See, it's a struggle being disabled, mixed race and male, especially in Scotland which is a very aggressive culture, y'know? Because I faced more of a battle. Have more than one type of discrimination to overcome. Plus, yer very much seen as an outsider if ye don't fit the mold in many ways
Yes indeed, i know how u feel, as in my country (nz) its like machismo/ego gone to extremes. Anyone
even slightly diffrent gets "hammered" by our "tall poppy syndrome" (we like to "bring them down" if their head is above the crowd .. yet also we like to encourage esp our sports people to get better, do well, etc .. so its a screwed-up mixture of supporting the growth of ppl, but chopping them down when thay are tall & doing well!!!).
I've been discriminated against for a number of different things - paleness, skinniness, shyness, quietness, aspergers, being intelligent, being (over)-sensitive (for a male), being petite (for a male), looking young for my age, etc, etc, etc. As well as having SEVERAL MAJOR problems/disorders all at once. So my life has been basically as "rough as a dog's breakfast" - EXTRAORDINARY HARD/PAINFUL/DIFFICULT. But i have endured all the suffering to date (tho at times it seemed like i was only hanging on by a thread, and at times that were actually the truth of it, so thankfully i didnt have an easy way to end myself else i sure as hell i would almost certainly have done, i can tell you that). Yeah, an ABSOLUTELY DIABOLOICALLY HELLISH life i've had. But thats just the bad (which is only PART of one's life); the GOOD is the other part - i have had MANY MOMENTS of "HAPINESS" (for me this often means drunk, but also good tv, achieving things on computer, programming (which i love), learning new things (esp on web), listening to great/awesome/wonderful music, etc). So, a mixed bag, & hard to generalize HOW good or bad exactly my life has been (would need a "life monitoring" gadget for that! hehe); but i do know its been "diabolically hard" in the last few years, & "very hard" in the previous ~10 years, "extremely hard" in the ~10 years before that, and "dull/boring/lonely/miserable" in my first 20 years of life.
So ye don't really huv much of sense of feeling like ye belong or fit in. That true sense of culture identity. And constantly feel pressure to be like everyone, when yer clearly no
I dont get why ppl cant fit-in WHILE at same time being able to show their true uniqueness (EVERY SINGLE PERSON is unique, but it seems that in certain weak-back-boned countries SHOWING that god-given uniqueness is "forbidden). Thats partly why i've always stayed RIGHT OUTSIDE of this "mass personality-entity of society" .. so that i could remain TRUE to myself (i knew that i always had to HIDE my true self when in public, which i disliked). "Society" actually SICKENS me - its like the film iRobot, with all these sterilized, homogenized, lookalike robots living exactly the same lives as each other .. but the difference to that film is that the "normal" robots are all like the "bad/malfunctiong/crazy" robot, & there's only a handful of "good" robots.
Ah also find it difficult to full trust people, given how much they've let me down, betrayed me, mess me about and abandoned me without explaination
I used to trust ppl
too much as a child & teen, but life has betaen that outta me over time, so that nowadays i'm scepticle/wary of the vast majority of ppl, and its still growing worse.
Sorry, I wish this could be a more positive upbeat post. And sorry for feelin' I have to apologise. I guess that's just feeling guilty for burdening others with my problems
Not at all mate, no worries, as this site is all about sharing your problems (i mean if none of us had problems, we wouldn have nout to talk about!
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