Och aye the noo

[Graeme1988]

Creed - With Arms Wide Open

Well I just heard the news today
It seems my life is going to change
I closed my eyes, begin to pray
Then tears of joy stream down my face​

Oh...

, this is actually gonnae happen. It still hus'nae even set in for me. Ah might actually be getting this orthopedic surgery by the end of 2015. Buckin' yaasss!! Ya dancer!

Just got a 12 week wait to find out for sure

Dinnae worry, though, this feeling wil'nae last long. Ah'll post the "Oh, jings. Whit um ah daein. But ah cannae..." freaking post in a few months time. Gimme til November... :bigsmile:

 

[Graeme1988]

Meh... Sod it! It doesnae matter, anyway.

 

[nodejesque]

Meh... Sod it! It doesnae matter, anyway.

What's wrong? Have you heard anything regarding the surgery? Hope all is OK

 

[Graeme1988]

What's wrong?

Oh, same ol', same ol'... The usually shite that comes with dealing with depression, anxiety and living with a disability. Mainly just rage an frustration. I'm just fed with my mum constantly pessimistic attitude. She never misses a chance to say something negative whenever I try and talk to her. So, I've just been keeping to myself a lotta the time nowadays. As I have been with the rest of my family, since they usually just push my buttons and annoy the crap outta me.

Have you heard anything regarding the surgery? Hope all is OK

Aye, I've heard back about the surgery. Got a couple of letters informing me that there will pre-op assessment at the end of November. And another saying I've been put on the waiting between now and New Year's Day. With the surgery scheduled for January 6th 2016. So, I've "fine with it" in my typically shoulder-shrugging way. :idontknow:

Actually, truth be telt, I'm really nervous about it. I'm actually afraid to admit that I'm more scared this time around. Knowing what I'm going into. Despite my tough, big-man exterior. Ah feel like greetin' ma eyes out... :crying:

What if they botch it? Can I endure the pain of rehab for a second time with the space of 13 years? And I kinda don't want to go through with it, due to what it'll mean for the rest of my family. Since they still want me to rely on them. So ye could say I'm wary, and feeling slight guilt for doing this for myself. Which isn't really weird lookin' at my immediate family's manipulative and sycophantic nature towards me.

So, I'm having conflicted, mixed feelings about the coming months.

 

[nodejesque]

Oh, same ol', same ol'... The usually shite that comes with dealing with depression, anxiety and living with a disability. Mainly just rage an frustration. I'm just fed with my mum constantly pessimistic attitude. She never misses a chance to say something negative whenever I try and talk to her. So, I've just been keeping to myself a lotta the time nowadays. As I have been with the rest of my family, since they usually just push my buttons and annoy the crap outta me.



Aye, I've heard back about the surgery. Got a couple of letters informing me that there will pre-op assessment at the end of November. And another saying I've been put on the waiting between now and New Year's Day. With the surgery scheduled for January 6th 2016. So, I've "fine with it" in my typically shoulder-shrugging way. :idontknow:

Actually, truth be telt, I'm really nervous about it. I'm actually afraid to admit that I'm more scared this time around. Knowing what I'm going into. Despite my tough, big-man exterior. Ah feel like greetin' ma eyes out... :crying:

What if they botch it? Can I endure the pain of rehab for a second time with the space of 13 years? And I kinda don't want to go through with it, due to what it'll mean for the rest of my family. Since they still want me to rely on them. So ye could say I'm wary, and feeling slight guilt for doing this for myself. Which isn't really weird lookin' at my immediate family's manipulative and sycophantic nature towards me.

So, I'm having conflicted, mixed feelings about the coming months.

I can understand that nervousness. I can even understand the guilt, because I always feel guilty when I do something for myself.

You can't help the way your family responds, but just try to ignore the negativity. I know its easier said than done, but you deserve the chance at feeling better. I hope they accept that too.

 

[Graeme1988]

I can understand that nervousness. I can even understand the guilt, because I always feel guilty when I do something for myself.

How d'ye deal with the guilt, though? Because I still feel guilty when I decline an invitation to a big family gathering.

You can't help the way your family responds, but just try to ignore the negativity. I know its easier said than done, but you deserve the chance at feeling better. I hope they accept that too.

Oh, I accepted it. It's just my family don't seem to as accepting of that fact because they're are constantly trying to make me compromising on my happiness. Cuz ye see, they're latching onto me, mainly because this surgery will probably mean less reliance upon them collectively anyway. And they need me more than I need them...

A prime example of this, the other day my sister thought her smartphone had stopped working. Because she'd switch it on and, after a few seconds, the screen went black. She show me this, so I held it up to the light. And you'll never guess what was actually wrong...? She had, without realising it, turned the screen brightness down to nothing.

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah dinnae really think ah wus meant for this world. Don't belong. Never have, and probably never will.

 

[Graeme1988]

Huv'nae slept for 4 days straight. Just been thinkin' aboot whit's gonnae happen in the next few months. Dreading that nothin' will change for the better with this surgery. That everything will just stay the same. :sad:

Oh, how ah wish ah hud'nae let this constant fear, cripplin' anxiety and a really shitty family dictate ma life. All of which huv had a more devastating affect on me than living with a physical disability.

 

[Graeme1988]

Hiya folks... How ye daein?

Am no doin' too well. Nuthin' goin' right for me. Mental health is in gaun doonhill quickier than... F**k! Cannae even think o' a witty enough comparison.

In fact, am actually contemplatin' killin' masel' cuz tha buckin' level uh stress ah feel and ah dinnae see any other way oot. Ma mum jist brings tha worst in me, as do the rest of ma lyin', inconsiderate, manipulative c*nty family. Provoking me aw tha time, just goading tae react. Cuz then I'm at fault, ye see... :kickingmyself:

Am barely functioning at this point, just want this misery to end... :sad:

Am f**kin' done, see youse in tha afterlife.

 

[theslowesthand]

^ Did ye huv a few drinks afore ye wrote that, aye? Or are you tryin' tae mimick me or summit? Am offended or nuthin'. Just tryin ae figure oot where yer fae...?
Cuz ah fun masel lookin' it tha screen with this exactly expression:

Probably somewhere in the Northern region of England, am guessing Manchester, Yorkshire? Cannae be Carlisle... Naw, surely no' that far?

Just saw your post now (not been hardly to spw lately).
I think i could well have been a bit drunk, he he. I think i was trying on a scottish/etc dialec "for size" .. seemed more flamboyant/cheery/sth way of talkin instead of my usual boring way.
I'm not from scotland/etc, in fact at exact other end of globe - new zealand, but i do have some scottish ancestry (that an some other places up there).

 

[theslowesthand]

But i'm sorry your spirits are low
Mine are pretty bad too right know, having been stuck in bed with depression/lethargy/etc for a few days - no fun at all.
When i'm down,i try to remind self that its all temporary, what goes down must go up again, that the depression/etc is trying hard to teach me further crucial life & thinking skills.

And i view the "down time" as necessary and rejuvinating; similar to "rebooting" a computer - start afresh, some new ideas, slightly tweaked "system", etc
Try to focus on simple little positive pro-you things, eg sip from a glass of water, look at nature (or images of) .. try to focus your mind on, to give the mind a break from the stress. Every little thing can help you. Just do one thing at a time, & be easy on yerself. And do try to get some sleep, even few hours, as lack of sleep than just adds to the stress/overwhelm. Sleep is an important part of the equation of overall health & well-being.

Maybe also you read some positive inpirational book (or text on web)? You're bright guy - you could study some metaphysics, philosphophy, power of the mind, etc. The mind is very powerful, but very few people realize this, nor to they use a tiny fraction the mind's powers...

 

[Graeme1988]

Well... Another week, another failure.

Ah don't think ah'll git in good enough shape, physically, afore this pre-op health assessment next month. :sad: :kickingmyself:

 

[Graeme1988]

Just saw your post now (not been hardly to spw lately).
I think i could well have been a bit drunk, he he. I think i was trying on a scottish/etc dialec "for size" .. seemed more flamboyant/cheery/sth way of talkin instead of my usual boring way.

Flamboyant..? Ha! If ye say so, wouldnae say in Glesga, mind you. "You am a poof, or summit?! Eh?!" :bat: :bigsmile:

An cheery, anaw? Aye, we dae huv that "Way-hay!" "Goan yersel" upbeatness aboot us, especially oan weekends.

And attemptin' a Scotch accent when drunk - best way tae go aboot it, really. :thumbup:

I'm not from scotland/etc, in fact at exact other end of globe - new zealand, but i do have some scottish ancestry (that an some other places up there).

Y'know, ah wouldnae huv guess that ataw... New Zealand, eh? Awrite ya kiwi ? Sorry, couldnae help masel', there.

 

[Graeme1988]

But i'm sorry your spirits are low
Mine are pretty bad too right know, having been stuck in bed with depression/lethargy/etc for a few days - no fun at all.
When i'm down,i try to remind self that its all temporary, what goes down must go up again, that the depression/etc is trying hard to teach me further crucial life & thinking skills.

And i view the "down time" as necessary and rejuvinating; similar to "rebooting" a computer - start afresh, some new ideas, slightly tweaked "system", etc
Try to focus on simple little positive pro-you things, eg sip from a glass of water, look at nature (or images of) .. try to focus your mind on, to give the mind a break from the stress. Every little thing can help you. Just do one thing at a time, & be easy on yerself. And do try to get some sleep, even few hours, as lack of sleep than just adds to the stress/overwhelm. Sleep is an important part of the equation of overall health & well-being.

That's true -- though, ah huv'nae really been gettin' much sleep, lately.

Maybe also you read some positive inpirational book (or text on web)?

Any suggestions oan that side uh things? Ah've no really read any inspirational in a wee while.

You're bright guy - you could study some metaphysics, philosphophy, power of the mind, etc. The mind is very powerful, but very few people realize this, nor to they use a tiny fraction the mind's powers...

Thanks fur givin' me a compliment ah huv'nae heard in 11 years, but am no that bright. Ah only give folk that impression cuz anytime ye see me am usually readin' a book. :bigsmile:

That said, ah huv thought about studyin' metaphysics, philosphophy but dinnae feel brainy enough tae fully comprehend it aw. :idontknow:

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah don't think am meant tae happy... Like geniunely happy. :sad:

 

[nodejesque]

i think that the act of being happy and fulfilled is a fallacy. We are only ever in the pursuit of happiness.

I have spent many nights thinking about this, and wondering why I feel so empty and sad. But I have come to realize that I'm just built that way. No one is ever truly happy, I don't think.

But you can definitely find little bits of happiness during the day. In the things you enjoy doing that take away some of the sadness and momentarily allow you to forget what a clusterfuk this life is.

Things like music, art, books, and chocolate. For me, i still have the nagging sadness and feelings of inadequacy... But just for those moments, I am OK.

I hope you find those moments as well, Graeme. Even if for a lil while.


Oh. YouTube videos of cute cats help immensely.

 

[SoScared]

^Buddhism....becoming more and more popular in the west.

 

[Graeme1988]

Would you socialize and feel at ease around people who frequently, without any consideration toward yer feelings, would just make snide, dismissive comments about you tae yer face, like, in the hope you give the similar remarks back?

 

[Graeme1988]

I'm feelin' broken, lately. Physically, mentally, emotional. Nothin' seems to work out for me. Ah always seem to be having to compromise for someone else in my family.

But then I was made to feel guilt and shame for having the misfortune of being born male. Clearly ma mum would've been happier if ah came out the opposite sex or at least that the assumption ah believe based upon how she treated me since adolescents. Cuz it's much easier being a wummin, especially nowadays in the west. Ironically, feminism has gave wimmin a bigger advantage in today's culture, yet they're more miserable.

Sorry, just an observation, am no tryin' to generalise, with whit ah said above. Plus, am probably wrong in terms of most things ah believe anyway.

 

[theslowesthand]

Y'know, ah wouldnae huv guess that ataw... New Zealand, eh? Awrite ya kiwi ? Sorry, couldnae help masel', there.

Yep, a kiwi, but most white folks down here come from way up your way. Myself, i have some scottish, irish, english & jersey. I figure that my miserableness is from ireland, crankiness & liking for the "dram" from scotland, whinginess from england, & emotional unstability from jersey (france) ...

Also my grandpop was a bonnie wee piper - actually the #1 piper in nz at one point!. He also played mandolin. He loved his music, and so do others in his family. Even though he moved here as a toddler, he still had a great fondness for all things scottish. I'm starting to think that our ancestry/dna does influence our personality & interests, more than we might think... :thinking: