Observing "storytelling" in conversations - realised I've never told any stories

[tooshytosay]

Observing "storytelling" in conversations - realised I've never told any stories

I've been observing conversations lately, and noticed two patterns in particular:

1. Questioning and answering

I guess this is the most basic form of conversation, but it is also the only type of "conversation" I ever have with anyone. The other person asks me questions, and I answer them. Perhaps if I'm feeling particularly confident I might ask them questions too (though awkwardly). Unfortunately all of my so-called "conversations" do not feel like real conversations because, well, they always play out like interrogations - my typical conversation goes like this:

"Hello. Hello. Question. Answer. Question. Answer. Question. Answer. Question. Answer. Question. Answer. Question. Answer. Bye. Bye."

Obviously there is something missing. I think it is...

2. Storytelling

When I "answer" questions as mentioned above, I literally just answer the question, using as few words as possible. Yet in observing people having "real" conversations, I have realised something - that people spontaneously share stories. Even if the conversation started in the basic "question-and-answer" format they quickly leave that because one person starts to actually tell a story.

By a "story" I mean many things - but I guess in essence when a person tells a "story", they basically speak about things that were not explicitly "asked for". They spontaneously recount experiences, events, ideas, thoughts, feelings. A "story" typically lasts longer than 1 sentence (the usual length of my "answers" to questions).

Unfortunately I don't think I have ever spontaneously recounted a "story" to anyone in a conversation. Or put it another way, I can't remember the last time I spoke more than about 2-3 sentences at a time.

I think this is the reason I continually fail to have "normal" conversations with anyone - the other person will probably get quickly tired and bored of a conversation that resembles more of an interrogation. I don't know, stories just don't occur to me naturally like it seems to do to everyone. And perhaps this is where my anxiety really lies. I am just really, really, scared to tell stories. To share anything about anything spontaneously, without being asked explicitly about it.

Also not to mention, I respond pretty poorly to other people's stories too - they would recount something interesting, and I'll be just like "oh yeah, I see" *smiles shyly and looks away*.

 

[Aussie_Lad]

Re: Observing "storytelling" in conversations - realised I've never told any stories

I think a lot of people on here are probably in a similar situation to you. It is a bit of a catch 22 situation I think. You need life experience in order to gain the ability to tell stories, but to gain the life experience that you need to tell good stories, you need to have a healthy social life (because you can't go climbing Mt Everest everyday).

 

[eek]

Re: Observing "storytelling" in conversations - realised I've never told any stories

With a lot of stories it is a catch 22 like the poster above said. You don't have friends to have stories to make friends to make stories, etc. I find many stories though are just about me, and my thoughts/actions on the world. If you sat on the couch for the last 10 years you got at least one story, probably a lot-- I have the most trouble with trying to fit my experiences with the type of conversation i'm having and the person i'm having it with.

 

[Acegame]

Re: Observing "storytelling" in conversations - realised I've never told any stories

Interesting thread. Conversations have become very hard for me. I really understand what you mean. Now it feels more like an interrogation instead of a normal conversation and it gets more nervewrecking the longer it lasts.

For me it feels like a "click" that i rarely have anymore. With that i mean the moment when a conversation starts to feel natural. You can talk about nothing really, but it just flows and you have fun and laugh. Then the anxiety is gone and the stories come automatically.

Nowdays rarely any stories come up in my mind when having a conversation. Sometimes it does and sometimes i tell it, but then i cant put any enthousiasm into the story and it doesnt come over well (which often is painfull).

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

Re: Observing "storytelling" in conversations - realised I've never told any stories

It is a bit of a catch 22 situation I think. You need life experience in order to gain the ability to tell stories, but to gain the life experience that you need to tell good stories, you need to have a healthy social life (because you can't go climbing Mt Everest everyday).

I disagree. People aren't primarily concerned with how many people or exciting things are in your story. They just want to be entertained.

You could tell a story about how you stubbed your toe and ended up with one foot in dog's food and the other in his water. No need to climb Mount Everest.

Telling the story well helps, and comes with practice--but it's not everything.

 

[Acegame]

Re: Observing "storytelling" in conversations - realised I've never told any stories

I agree with Nathaniel. In conversations these stories are often very small and about nothing special. Like something you saw on tv, or what someone said etc.

And btw, you don't want to be the guy who is always talking about the days he climbed the Mount Everst Although having set your footsteps on the top maybe a confidencebooster

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

Re: Observing "storytelling" in conversations - realised I've never told any stories

Good post, and good observations.

I find I can do the storytelling thing if it's with someone I'm already comfortable with, otherwise I find it very difficult to talk naturally and comfortably about experiences, thoughts, etc. I'm just not relaxed enough around people until I know them pretty well.

 

[hippiechild]

Re: Observing "storytelling" in conversations - realised I've never told any stories

storytelling is quite an art... not at all easy to pull off.

Even the greatest, most epic stories can be trumped by the recounting of everyday experiences, given that the teller knows what's up.

I have a tendency to, in an attempt to be more exciting and avoid boring people, skip over the seemingly unnecessary details and get right at the meat of the story... which is fail. The small details, wordings and sensory information help to draw the listener into the story, get them invested in its outcome.

visualize, focus on what you found interesting and articulate that...
take your moment in the driver's seat and enjoy it for all it's worth

 

[Kiwong]

Re: Observing "storytelling" in conversations - realised I've never told any stories

Some very astute observations, tooshytosay. I reckon most people do better in conversations than there anxiety would lead them to believe.

 

[dottie]

Re: Observing "storytelling" in conversations - realised I've never told any stories

good thread. so true, hippiechild.

i am not a good storyteller. this is a conversation skill i am well aware of and try to use but am not so successful with. i will often refer to something relevant but my challenge comes in embellishing it enough to the point it would be an interesting contribution.

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

Re: Observing "storytelling" in conversations - realised I've never told any stories

I've been observing conversations lately, and noticed two patterns in particular:

1. Questioning and answering

I guess this is the most basic form of conversation, but it is also the only type of "conversation" I ever have with anyone. The other person asks me questions, and I answer them. Perhaps if I'm feeling particularly confident I might ask them questions too (though awkwardly). Unfortunately all of my so-called "conversations" do not feel like real conversations because, well, they always play out like interrogations - my typical conversation goes like this:

"Hello. Hello. Question. Answer. Question. Answer. Question. Answer. Question. Answer. Question. Answer. Question. Answer. Bye. Bye."

Obviously there is something missing. I think it is...

2. Storytelling

When I "answer" questions as mentioned above, I literally just answer the question, using as few words as possible. Yet in observing people having "real" conversations, I have realised something - that people spontaneously share stories. Even if the conversation started in the basic "question-and-answer" format they quickly leave that because one person starts to actually tell a story.

By a "story" I mean many things - but I guess in essence when a person tells a "story", they basically speak about things that were not explicitly "asked for". They spontaneously recount experiences, events, ideas, thoughts, feelings. A "story" typically lasts longer than 1 sentence (the usual length of my "answers" to questions).

Unfortunately I don't think I have ever spontaneously recounted a "story" to anyone in a conversation. Or put it another way, I can't remember the last time I spoke more than about 2-3 sentences at a time.

I think this is the reason I continually fail to have "normal" conversations with anyone - the other person will probably get quickly tired and bored of a conversation that resembles more of an interrogation. I don't know, stories just don't occur to me naturally like it seems to do to everyone. And perhaps this is where my anxiety really lies. I am just really, really, scared to tell stories. To share anything about anything spontaneously, without being asked explicitly about it.

Also not to mention, I respond pretty poorly to other people's stories too - they would recount something interesting, and I'll be just like "oh yeah, I see" *smiles shyly and looks away*.

I am like this too. Not to gloss over what everyone else responded with - but - I in the moment whether due to anxiety or brain lapse just cant think of any "stories". They dont have to be epic tales - as Nate said - but look some ppl also command attention more than others for various reasons.

If one blathers and struggles telling a story a lot of ppl are not patient. I've had this experience a lot. And as the OP listening to others is worse for me sometimes. I can fart out a story but my responses to hearing someone elses much of the time is smiling, nodding, "ahh yeah" "ha ha". Stock responses.

Prob because quite honestly Im NOT really listening. And that to me is a HUGE component - LISTENING. With all your senses. Being engaged whether what a person is saying is interesting or not - your minds there. Not a million other places. My minds never there - always trying think "god you can never do this... or ok think how respond, think story man gosh I got nothing, or etc." while someone is speaking.

I've taken acting classes and really they're communication classes. If I really focus and LISTEN and try to zone out my "white noise" thoughts constantly in the background (very difficult) I find my brain more engaged in the moment and with things to say more than the head nod, smile and "oh yeah I see" responses. And more open to spontaneity. Making connections. And ultimately, enjoyment in the conversation.

I usually am too tense to enjoy it and so it becomes draining and simply not fun - so big reason ppl avoid convo's or brains shut off. Anyways...

=)

 

[Sial Axetder]

Re: Observing "storytelling" in conversations - realised I've never told any stories

I disagree. People aren't primarily concerned with how many people or exciting things are in your story. They just want to be entertained.

You could tell a story about how you stubbed your toe and ended up with one foot in dog's food and the other in his water. No need to climb Mount Everest.

Telling the story well helps, and comes with practice--but it's not everything.

For ... bloody hell! You mean I climbed up the blasted rock for nothing!?

 

[StandingJelly]

Re: Observing "storytelling" in conversations - realised I've never told any stories

Good topic, maybe we should develop a guide and sticky it, so to help people like us master conversing with others, there are just times we just forced to and not get to avoid telling about an even. We could then think back to this, and maybe help us describe an event to help lengthen our speech.

First in mind, there has got to be some structure towards storytelling. Maybe a few different types, but I'm sure there is one we could all follow.

I heard a girl storytell with most of her sentences consisting "like", as in "she was like... then he was like .... then she was like..." Not very good if you ask me, but I couldn't seem to do even that or even initiate it.

 

[LazyHermitCrab]

Re: Observing "storytelling" in conversations - realised I've never told any stories

If someone says hello are you? Good how are you? How do you pick up from that? I guess you could say horrible, i was stuck in traffic. And then the story goes on lol idk.

 

[Aussie_Lad]

Re: Observing "storytelling" in conversations - realised I've never told any stories

If someone says hello are you? Good how are you? How do you pick up from that? I guess you could say horrible, i was stuck in traffic. And then the story goes on lol idk.

All it takes is one person to ask an open ended question, or a question that will allow the other person to go into depth. for example:

Joe: Hi Mary, How are you?
Mary: Good Joe and Yourself?
Joe: Yeah I'm well.
Mary: Did you get that email I sent you late yesterday?
Joe: Yeah I did, I'll follow it up today. How is that project of yours going?

That is how it is supposed to flow. Although sometimes people just ask you how you are to be polite, and then nothing happens. You have to accept this, as sometimes neither of you really want to get into a conversation anyway.

 

[BlackPuma]

Re: Observing "storytelling" in conversations - realised I've never told any stories

I totally get what you're saying. I have major troubles with this too. I can't communicate to save my life. :B

But I've noticed that sometimes you've got to take minor risks in conversations. Bring up something personal that somewhat relates to the question/answer. There's no bulletproof way to know whether what you're going to tell is going to be interesting, but neither does it really matter. Most people (in my experience) care little about the actual subject of the conversation, and more that they're having a conversation to begin with.

Another good way is to actually listen to the people that try to connect to you. A lot of time we're so busy with the anxiety itself and the activity that causes it, that we forget to actually think about what that activity is for. When you listen close enough, you'll notice patterns in different individuals, what they like, what they don't like. You can use that to pin-point what kind of story they might be interested in.

Treat it like a skill. And like every skill, you start small (questions and answers), and then slowly work your way up to more complicated conversations.

You shouldn't expect yourself to leap, when you haven't fully learned how to walk yet. ;3