Not knowing what to say in social situations

[Omega]

So basically my problem is not knowing how to have a conversation in almost any situation.
On facebook i get as far as 'how are you' and it dies after that, I really have no idea what to talk about.
In person theres alot of social awkwardness and not knowing what to say.
Its like as soon as it comes to socializing I forget how to be myself and when I try to remember I just cant.
Other people have conversations easily, they make friends easily and so on, but I just cant.
Does anybody have experience in dealing with this?

 

[Miss Magnolia :)]

Exactly... my mind goes blank, anxiety takes complete control, and I can't even think of simple words and phrases. Afterwards I replay the entire conversation in my head and I can think of all the perfect things I should have said. That's the worst part... the replaying and regretting and imagining how boring they must think you are. No one has really ever seen my true personality. My family and close friends sometimes get glimpses of it, but it's hard to let my anxiety go even around them these days.

 

[Silatuyok]

You start with small talk. The weather, the person's outfit, some obvious remark about the building you are in...these are the ways that conversations start. Questions are good too. How was your weekend? etc. You probably will need at least a minimal amount of curiosity. Try thinking up questions or small talk beforehand and write it down for the times when your mind goes blank.

 

[Bo592]

I struggle with this problem to I am starting to find that my problem is because mostly my head is full of worries about if what I have to say is cool enough to share or not. Mainly If I where to open up my head and show you what was in side all you would get was my troubles " why can`t I do this ? " "why can`t say cool things ? " and so on and so on. I not going to keep going because to much to say anyway my point was I learn I had to take my mind off my problems and start taking interest in things. The part about forgeting at the last min I wish I had answer for you at this time. The Question part I find this real cool website that I thought was gold when I find it called Get To Know You Questions & Conversation Starters it full of get to know you questions.

 

[leongrado]

So basically my problem is not knowing how to have a conversation in almost any situation.
On facebook i get as far as 'how are you' and it dies after that, I really have no idea what to talk about.
In person theres alot of social awkwardness and not knowing what to say.
Its like as soon as it comes to socializing I forget how to be myself and when I try to remember I just cant.
Other people have conversations easily, they make friends easily and so on, but I just cant.
Does anybody have experience in dealing with this?

I know of know what you're talking about. It happens to a lot of people, not just people with social anxiety. Unless you're one of those extremely extroverted types who can small talk for hours and are willing to share everything about themselves, you're going to run out of things to say eventually.

What people usually end up doing is they take out their phone and pretend like you're texting someone when they're probably just trying to make the situation less awkward. I think that's what most people do. It's almost like a defensive mechanism.

I've found 2 things that helped with this:

1. Don't feel guilty about not talking. Sure it would be a little less awkward if you could get a conversation going but there's nothing wrong with having nothing to say. Act comfortable instead of uncomfortable and the other person will usually say something to start the conversation up again. Another thing you could do is have a thoughtful expression on your face and the person will usually ask you what you're thinking about.

2. Keep this mindset. People are always afraid of offending someone and being shunned for asking personal questions. This is why people usually only converse with small talk that really won't offend anyone. The truth is, unless you really hit someone's sore spot, the person won't be offended. Even when I ask people if they have a girlfriend or if they drink a lot of weekends they respond. Yes they'll be surprised by the questions but they'll usually still respond and it pushes the conversation to a much more personal level.

 

[Steelsoul]

I get that a lot. Sometimes i don't know what to say in these situations. Sometimes i do, but i can't say it because i'm scared what i say will not cool enough or will offend anyone. So i remain silent, despite feeling awkward

 

[sahxox]

I've spent my entire life like this...
Everyday I battle this, and after 3 years of trying, I have made progress that I never would've thought possible.
Step 1. Start small.
Practise saying hi to someone - a very simple thing to master. In doing this simple step, I got a massive confidence boost to being able to be myself a lot more.
If any comments would pop into my head, I would just think them and never say them. But recently I've just blurted them out, pretending whoever I was talking to was someone I'm comfortable with, like one of my siblings. The 'pressure' I put on myself for not talking seems to be released for that moment. I become instantly happier, feel bubbly, like the real me would, even if it was just a small chuckle I got in return. The most important thing I learnt is that everyone else is just a silly human, like me, lost in their own world, like I am... only difference is mine is tainted by social phobia.
Second thing is back to this 'pressure'... it came to me internally. Best advice I received was to remove it somehow... it is ok to be quiet!!
Once you have accepted this, it becomes a lot easier.
Mind you, I have many times a day when I feel like crap and freak out from social anxiety. But I used to feel like this 100% of the time, now it's anywhere from 20-80.
It's about moving forward slowly, learning to be extremely patient with yourself, allowing mistakes and learning to back yourself. After all, no-one else will, and I've learnt it's no one's job but my own.
Good luck

 

[Omega]

Thanks alot guys, all of this is really useful, I'm going to work on small talk cuz thats kinda one of my weaknesses.
I've started taking anti depressants, they gave me a little social boost for a few days, but that disapeared fast. I'm not sure if my problem is down to depression, anxiety or just lack of experience.

 

[DanBabineau]

I hate socializing in public or at work sometimes. A lot of times I just can't think of a way to answer something someone has said. It's always a point or a joking comment, I can answer questions just fine. The person may say some sort of fact and I'll just chuckle and... then that's it. All over. Cue awkward silence.

 

[Graeme1988]

I get that a lot. Sometimes i don't know what to say in these situations. Sometimes i do, but i can't say it because i'm scared what i say will not cool enough or will offend anyone. So i remain silent, despite feeling awkward

Aye, that pretty much describes me how I am in most social situations.

 

[EternalIce]

I have this problem for years aswell, what I've come to understand is that awkward silence is one of the most widely hated things that can arise it also can destroy people's impressions of you. So usually when I have to talk to people and there is no topic of conversation, just think of some total bullshit to say, I always think, is this even remotely coherent? Yes or no, according to our society bullshit is better than silence...

 

[anomicdeer]

I have this problem too. I think it's mainly just the kind of people I'm around. There was one person when I was in school, I was able to talk to and made friends with. I think we did good with communication. But I don't know if just what we were talking about that we had in common or we just wanted to keep talking to each other to be friends. Or is that the same thing?

 

[jaim38]

I have this problem for years aswell, what I've come to understand is that awkward silence is one of the most widely hated things that can arise it also can destroy people's impressions of you. So usually when I have to talk to people and there is no topic of conversation, just think of some total bullshit to say, I always think, is this even remotely coherent? Yes or no, according to our society bullshit is better than silence...

I agree. People like being around social, chatty people instead of quiet people like us. People don't like awkward silences so I feel a lot of pressure to constantly come up with things to say, or at least walk away if I can't think of any. There are times when, out of despair, I come up with really weird, inappropriate things to say, which surprised myself. But I say them because I want to avoid awkward silences. Sometimes I stutter because I try to so hard to think and talk at the same time, which other people can do but I suck at.

 

[geek]

So basically my problem is not knowing how to have a conversation in almost any situation.
On facebook i get as far as 'how are you' and it dies after that, I really have no idea what to talk about.

I have exactly that problem, have to really force myself to come up with something to keep conversation going. Personally I feel fine with long pauses or silence for example when out to lunch with colleagues but notice people really get weirded out by it and try to fill it up with... soooo

I really hate small talk and meaningless chatter but that always seems to be the go to mechanism. Weather, television,...

Not sure if I'm alone in this but I particularly find it difficult to disagree with opinion in the group. Really hate myself afterwards but end up saying I agree with a point of view when I'm thinking the opposite.

I've got more difficulty talking to people my own age (especially females) than those much older or younger. Its like my brain goes into overdrive and makes it even more difficult to do small talk, double and triple checking I'm not accidentally saying anything offensive or creepy.

My coping mechanism at work is to talk about company announcements that apply to everyone. I don't have to open up and give my opinion or say anything personal.

Thanks for this thread, some very interesting replies!

 

[laure15]

This is a big problem for me too. I tried listening to other people talk and coming up with questions to ask them but sometimes my head goes blank and I have no questions to ask so I'm forced to change the topic. I've seen some people were able to spontaneously come up with questions and witty comments to say and I envy them. When I talk to people, the most common words out of my mouth are "ok", "yes", "uh hum", "alright", "great", and lots of one liners, not anything witty and I can tell it bores some people out.

 

[OnlyAlice]

I have the same problem. I deal with it by talking about my passions, things I like. For instance, Star Trek (I'm a big fan). Even though it's kind of dorky to some people I can have a great conversation about it. I've even converted a few people. I've also discovered people that have the same interest but had no one to talk to about it. In addition, it lets people know more about me, helps me develop my social skills, and shows that I'm comfortable with who I am and what I like and that makes a huge difference. It gives me confidence because I know what I'm talking about instead of BSing my way through small talk I could care less about. You'd be surprised.

 

[deadair]

Omega, I hear ya. I too feel awkward, nervous, self-conscious, timid, quiet, hence my username deadair. When I'm at ease with a person (w/c is few), I feel more relaxed and can carry a conversation, but still sounds forced or unnatural. At rare times, I can have smooth, flowing, long conversations (hours!), maybe 1x or 2x only, probably my serotonin level is high then. But most of the time, it's worst coz I don't feel at ease with a person because I'm extremely shy, or just conversationally-challenged as in BLANK.

 

[bsammy]

well i hate small talk, it bores the hell out of me but then i run out of things to say about my life as i dont do much so this poses a problem..i end up askig the other person questions but it turns into an interview and this is lame too..i dunno what the solution is..i like to have conversations that mean something and those are few and far between these days..

 

[NamiraWilhelm]

Most of the time I really don't want to talk though. I mean it'd be nice to establish bonds with more people but I absolutely despise small talk! It's just so superficial and meaningless. Talking for the sake of talking has always been a pet peeve of mine.

 

[arjuna]

I loved the link of the questions to break the ice and keep convos: 5 stars!

One thing I have found is that practice helps a lot. Practicing on a daily basis makes the words almost come out like magic out of my mouth. Try it, see if it works for you.