Memoirs of the Unfathomable Soul

[Eristelle]

Today I taped my mirror until I couldn't see my horrible reflection..
Wherever I'm feeling near suicidal, my reflection is the last thing I want to see. I hate it. It makes me want to smash it. In a normal mood, usually I touch around where I would want plastic surgery at. Knowing ill never have the money for that, it's just frustrating. I'm not accepting this hideous figure. I don't want to. My personality is something to despise. Therefore I can't be loved on the inside if my outside is too disgusting. I wanted to cut my face with a razor. Seeing how i already look like a monster there's no point in caring if I leave scars on it. I want to cover every mirror in the house. Sadly it would be unfair to my family, who need it far more than I do.

My body is simply revolting. So I took laxatives just to make myself suffer. I don't think I ever want to eat anymore. I just want to make myself suffer. What's the point in relieving myself from pain? I don't care about myself anyway. If anything I hate myself more than anything to hate on this planet. It's useless to even type this. After all, nothing anyone could say will help anyway. I hate writing in actual journals. Guess that's why I'm here. I wish many things. Like never existing. Or at least being someone else. People think abortion is wrong. It could've stopped me from existing. A useless being that barely exists to begin with.

I hate everything about me. There isn't a thing good about me. People think I'm smart, but what the hell do they know? If this complement is coming from the same people who think I'm remotely normal looking, it's just useless platitudes to make me feel better. That's all it is. Every single piece of positively directed towards me are platitudes. Just like when I was told I wasn't alone after my kitten died, pointless sweet nothings to make me feel better.

If I were to die, maybe my mom can finally move into a two bedroom apartment rather than the costly three. Seems like i get in the way if everything she wishes to do. The useless hateful black Sheep, of the family is what I am. What can I do besides wallow in self pity? Which actually can't even be called self pity if I hate myself too much to even give pity. Whatever. I know I don't have any talents anyway. I never fit in wherever I go. Websites, outdoor activities, schools, my own house, even in my own day dreams.

What is it that keeps me alive? Fear of pain? Because after I lost everything I'm pretty sure I'm just living because of fear of pain now. Here I am. Typing possibly the lowest entry I've ever thought of. I'm always wasting time. Sleeping this hellhole year away is an example. What do I care? What does anyone care? Everything is my damn fault anyway. I choose to be depressed. Choose to have social phobia. Choose to think like this. Choose to be useless. Choose to do nothing. Choose to self harm. Choose to be hateful. Choose to be self loathing. Choose to be considered too eccentric to have friends or to fit in. Choose to be alone. Choose to be an idiot. Choose to be ugly, choose to even be here when I could just kill myself.

And in the end, I should disregard everything I just said and pretend I'm not a psychotic, depressed, mentally disturbed individual and write a pointless entry with smileys. No one the Internet could tell I'm screwed up anyway. Unless they see me in real life, Im just another avatar. As for reality, it's harder to pretend. That's why I'm usually locked up. No one can see my hideous self, or question me about my actual mood.

And I could get away with most things if no one seems to notice I exist. Like being dead. And being found two days later because I sleep all day and they know that. I guess there is something good about my stupid traits after all.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

First off, let me start by saying this: Nothing I have ever said to you has been a lie. I meant every. Last. Word. I don't hand out compliments to people who I feel don't "deserve" them. If you're acting like an idiot, I'll be glad to tell you so; if, on the other hand, you're acting wisely, I'll point it out for you, without sugarcoating either. You're a nice, pretty person and I mean it. Meant it then and mean it now. You say that no one cares, but I'm here to prove you wrong. I care and it kills me inside to see you like this. You aren't alone because I'm here for you, always have been and always will be. Nevaeh is also there for you too, isn't she? If you died, where would she go and who would take care of her the way that you want her to be treated? If you died, then that pain you're feeling right now would be transferred to all of us here.

No life is without meaning. None. I refuse to believe that. Every life was created for a reason, whether it's to do something great, show someone something, or to help someone. Everyone was given a talent to do something in this world; you just haven't found yours yet. You're young; you have so much time to alter the course of your life. But, it will only happen if you want it to. Do you like where you are right now? If you do, then there's nothing I or anyone else can do to change that. You have ultimate control over this, like you said, so how do you want this to end? If you desire change, then fight for it. Fight until you're blue in the face and then fight some more. You've got a chance to turn things around, so grasp it!

 

[Feathers]

Hey Eristelle! You have a beautiful name!!

Great rant!! It IS - or CAN BE - difficult to be a female with a brain in the 21st century!!

I remember really hating the way I looked at about your age too, I'm much happier with the way I look now, in my mid-thirties!! lol! (And I agree, my personality has been not-so-perfect too!! and that is an understatement lol)
So, it's a path of self-acceptance... It's not easy sometimes....

Do you think only pretty and smart and 'perfect personality' people can be happy or dare to exist?
How many such people do you think there ARE in this world??

My ex roommate said, how boring this world would be, if everyone would be 'the same'?!! Can you imagine, just 'perfect Barbie/Ken' people!! Gah!! Borring!!!

So, think about yourself as 'interesting' or 'different' maybe?

You have a valid and valuable perspective of the world, you are one piece of a puzzle that we all together are making...

This world is facing some biggest problems in history - from environmental problems and demographic explosion etc. Just 'eliminating' one person, how much good can that do? When that person can maybe HELP solve problems?? (now and/or in the future?)

Quality of life has for most people improved when more people were around on this Earth... And even your mum probably is happier with an ALIVE daughter no matter what the appartment she's in!! (If not, she'd probably kinda deserve to be miserable about any of it-?!) Parents can be 'difficult', around holidays especially.. Single or newly single people can have it rough too... Life can be difficult, around holidays especially too... Hope things get better!!

And well.. My mum's family (when she was little) was 4 people in one room, then two rooms... Took decades before grandpa and grandma got own flat!
And mum still says what great neighbours they had at their first place...!!
So, the size of flat is not necessarilly correlated with one's happiness!!

I like to tell myself, 'It takes a complex and complicated person to solve complex and complicated problems.' And this quote (found online): 'When has anyone 'normal' ever made history?' (or something like that)
Abe Lincoln had troubles with depression/bipolar, Winston Churchill had bipolar... He still won the war, no? Ha!

It seems you've been through a lot, that can have an effect on a person... It can take a while to recover from grief or such.. Hope you manage to find some help in RL too! Can you get some counselling/coaching or a support group or such?

You seem like an interesting caring person, with the state of the world as it is, all good people will be needed to make things better!!
Maybe later on you could also help animals in shelters or such? Sweet_Marie (from this site) does something interesting to help animals...

It was very difficult when our doggie died, couldn't get another one either... The neighbours' doggie was soo happy to be taken for a walk though!! Can you take Niblits for a walk? (Is it safe in your area?) Is there an animal shelter/organisation you could maybe volunteer with? I'm sure they would appreciate help!!

 

[MikeyC]

Eristelle, that was one of the most depressing posts I've ever read here. ::

 

[Falkor]

Hi Eristelle, I got so touched by your story that I needed to reply to this first journal you have been writing. I haven't read the next journals yet and yes I will. I will reply to them later. I hope my answers help and that you can read them, since it took a lot of quotation work.

So today was quite irritating.

I woke up 1 in the afternoon again, which is starting to get on my nerves. I really should go to bed earlier, but my body clock is out of whack and it's difficult to get it back on track.

Same here. It's hard to go to bed early since I always feel most inspired at night. I like typing stories at night and while reading your Journal I could see you have the same thing. Well, who cares. If you like writing stuff at night just do that. If you don't have anything important the next day you can do that. But remember, routine is good for your health. I know you'd must have heard that a hundred times before, but keep that in mind. I go with you.
Maybe you should count the days that you stayed up too late and count the days you had a good night rest. Maybe you can balance it and make it count to more days to make you feel better. It might make you feel more fresh and less depressive in the morning. I really hope it helps hun.

Today was a typical day though. My mother working and coming home just to yell at me and leave again is becoming the usual now.

That's so mean. Did she say hi? It's really rude to just yell and leave again. I see she's dealing with a lot of things on her own. She shouldn't reflect that feeling on you. I know it might be hard for her, but it's important to take care of you too. She's your mum. But it looks like you are the one to take care of her. I'm in the exact situation. While my mum likes to help me and such, but she has a lot of pressure on mind and yells her lungs out. I'm so sorry you have this situation too. I feel for you.

She's been impossible to deal with ever since my father decided he wanted to separate a couple months after his back finally recovered and going back to work.

Did they took a long time to divorce? I wonder. That could have stressed you out as well, the pressure of parents being upset with eachother and you watching it. At some point it's good that they broke up so I can understand that you don't feel hurt at all in the beginning because you feel a point of losing a good part of stress. But I see it's still going on since your mum still seems crazy about your dad or well, crazy.. I'd say miss him a lot. or feel blame, pain, however.

While I understand she's hurt by this, it's been three months now since he moved out. It's been 9 months now since he declared that he wanted to separate. Why must she take out her stress and frustration on me? Now that our sole provider is gone she's the one who has to take care of everything now.

Yes, she shouldn't take out the frustration on you, you have to tell her that girl. Maybe it helps her too realise. and if she will not react good on it (I can see that coming, i've got the same here) just tell her if you won't, you really need help. Might sound harsh, but it's the truth.

I know that can be very stressful, and I feel horrible for being so useless to her, but I can't take having my opinions silenced because of her stress anymore.

I'm so glad that you do that. You should open up and tell her what you think. That's really good girl. I think that's the beginning of you standing up to this horrible pain.

If I say anything to her that has a price tag on it, she rages and yells at me because money is a major, major issue right now.

Maybe you should talk to other people about it, who don't care about money and are interested in your technology passion.

Yet, I never said we should purchase anything. I just like to talk about technology and such.

of course there are people love to talk about this. I do. and about the journal you were describing, I can so much relate to your words. so if you need someone to talk, there are a bunch of ppl here who know what ur going thru. and so do i.

She always assumes I want to buy everything.

I guess she might think you are too impulsive, isn't she the impulsive one? or maybe you feel like that too sometimes, i don't know? No offence btw. Cuz I do have those moments but not on a highly scale that i become impulsive. also about the pills i did the same, when i felt like terrified and wanted to shut down all those painful emotions:/ maybe not that huge range like before right now, in the past i did.. took overdose too but realised how bad it was... now i only take some panic reducing stuff, no overdoses.. i promised, cuz life is too beautiful, but still it is awful that it happened... about the money thing Tell her you can deal with that just fine. You seem smart and wise enough. I swear.

Well, aside from that she also yells at me over Pointless things! Like today, she got angry with me for having no idea what to have for dinner. And then there was the kitchen. I miss one day of cleaning it I get slammed.

With words or hurting you for real? Omg. I guess she has a serious cleaning thing. Doesn't she? Man. this sounds so like my situation.

It's understandable that I must do my chores but honestly I was going to clean it..

I guess she has the power over you, you're afraid to make her upset and you will feel upset if she reacts that on you. I guess this could be a factor fo your anxiey too...

I guess I was a bit too late. She even yells at me for things that wasn't even my fault. For example, thanksgiving shopping. She was out all night on the day before Thanksgiving when we agreed to go shopping for the huge dinner we always have. While my sister and I were dressed and waited for hours for her to get home she finally comes home drunk.

That must have been a real dissapointment. Hope you had a good quality time with your sister though.

Then she tells us to go shopping on our own... I get a bit angry because not only was she seriously late, it was almost 11 at night,

That's like seriously late... Here the stores would be closed al ready. good to know they are open their still. I might be travelling to another country like those so I can get crisps more lately hahaha.

but because she whines about being tired and makes us go, knowing we buy a crap load of things and my older sister is still recovering from a surgery so she cannot lift heavy things. It takes more than myself, and her in her condition to carry all those groceries and yet all my mother cares about is herself.

Does she is available to talk to you and your sister when you need her?

How did she manage to blame us for her being late and going out for drinks and coming home drunk is beyond me. She was the one who planned this shopping trip and this dinner. If she was truly tired, why not tell us in advance instead of keeping us waiting for hours? Why not come home earlier and rest?

That's a good thing indeed. It would have made you feel better to not be in such a shame.

If she told us to go on our own in advance I wouldn't of been that angry.

Totally understandable that you were feeling angry.

It was 11 pm, and wal mart is like 30 minutes away!

Still very wow that you won't say no, I know you are afraid of it, but it will make you feel stronger. It's scary as hell but if you feel wrong about diong something, even if it's cleaning... Tell her no. I know my mom will still be mad, but I'm training this.... taking it step by step. If she doesn't accept I'll leave. That's my point.

And my sister is the only one who can drive... She just needs a license. My mom always plays the victim. That is her way of explaining her illogical actions...

Professional help would be a good thing. Or maybe your mom just needs a good lover to take care of her. You might should send her on a date. hehe.

I feel like she's becoming far too unstable...

Sure does, your situation sounds like a whole school of unstable learning. It's a good school though. But risky to make you feel unstable as well. but you're also strong i can see that very clear.

This is sad to say, but it's actually motivating me to move out of there...

Sounds like a wonderful idea. Living on your own will make you feel a lot better I think. Peace and time for your own and clean whenever you want. and also you can go wherever you want without your family on your neck. I know you might feel a little scared at first because of the difference, I will have the same. But if you ever need someone to talk, I'm here.

It's even encouraging me to finish school

go Eristelle

and go to a college far away from this place.

Well wether you're far away or close (well not too close) you can always have a comfy place, right? just do what feels right. make sure you'll find a good college you feel comfortable at.

I can only hope I can become independent soon, I mean, i'll be 18 next month!

You seem a very independent person, I think you just need people to tell you that more often and that's okay. Here on SPW we can always give advise and your journal is a great one. I find it hard to read journals too but it's nice written and so understanding that it really touched me and I want to keep on reading.
And it's awesome that you're turning 18. Wonderful age.

I'm also driven over the edge here. I can't deal with anyone here.

Lol, really? :: I wouldn't think that, oh yea i get it::

My sister has an attitude problem and my moms just plain crazy.

They should deal with that, just like you do. You can support eachother, but also you can just go your own way and try to become more strong!

The only ones I can deal with are the kittens, and they destroy everything they get their rambunctious paws on.

Animals are your best friends. They always are there for you. That's nice. and they don't yell.

 

[Eristelle]

Well, I'm hopeless. There's nothing I can do besides kill myself now. I have no future and I'll likely die early due to stress, anxiety, and an unusual amount of hatred anyway. Yes. Hatred. No matter how many kind things I do, how many attempts I try to be what an inkling of a good friend is, only misfortune will come after me. Bad karma. My kitten was a victim to it.

I'm a hateful being. I was born to hate. That sounds irrational, but it's true. I can't stand humans. I hate them. I can't even imagine how i could ever even love one. There we go. The cats out of the bag. I'm a misanthrope. If I compared myself to Hitler you'd just think I'm seriously over exaggerating. Maybe I am. Except I've never killed anyone, neither do I discriminate against a certain race. Hate is blind. Just like love.

Speaking of love, what's so great about it? Yeah I know the feeling from loving animals, and every pet I've ever owned, but what makes it wonderful? Why can you spread love so carelessly yet one mention of the word "hate" makes you flip out and say it's such a strong word? Then they say you shouldn't hate anything. At all. Isn't love a strong word? Hate may not be very pleasant sounding compared to love, but it's not like love can't break a person. What makes you think giving love out like free samples at a grocery store isn't horrible at all? Yes, yes, I know not everyone spreads love carelessly.

Just because hate is love's polar opposite doesn't mean ones better than the other. Honestly I feel like both can screw you up. I can't love anyone. Not even family. Because of that, I'll just live with misfortune all my life. That's understandable, but I'd rather just kill myself and get it over with than living in hatred anymore.

No. I can't just suddenly aim for change and try to love anyone. I can't take baby steps and do little things to change and try to love anyone. I can't think positive thoughts to change. I can't "manage" my hatred. Yeah. I'm not making any progress because I'm not trying hard enough or I choose to continue to be this way. Therapy, medicine, a shoulder to cry on, a person to talk to, or a suicide hotline won't do any good either. Sure maybe I'm not accepting or responding to help. Okay. Well, this is how I feel. Go on and say its just excuses and some blaming others thing too. Obviously it is. Anyway, my hate, this irrational, infinite amount of hatred is like a sick addiction. Like a heroin addiction, or a meth one. Oh, no, I've never experienced any kind of drug addiction so I wouldn't know how it feels. I know. Well, I heard those are pretty hard to overcome. It's pretty difficult to overcome mine too. Yeah some are free from it eventually, after all the hard work and the determination of an unbreakable stone wall, but some just can't get away from it. Weak will? Who knows. I can't get away. I've tried many things. Maybe I didn't try at all. Maybe I should be patient and try harder? Okay.

I know where my hatred came from. It's probably unreasonable though, right? This hatred is just a sign that I'm attached to the past, I know. This hatred came from many things that I need to get over, I know. No matter how much I know and already acknowledge, that's surprisingly not enough to help me get out of it. Not at all.

Maybe it is? Well, apparently not. Or, like I said, not trying hard enough. It's honestly to the point I believe it's just a part of me. A core factor to my current personality. Or maybe I think it's hopeless and I've accepted it. I think no one can change who they are. No matter how hard they try. They can break habits, but not change who they are. Leopards never change their spots, right?

My hatred is a habit I need to break? Well that's a pretty stubborn habit. I just know suicide is my only solution. A permanent solution to a temporary problem, right? Well I've had this problem all my life. It has to be semi permanent by now. That solution has to be the only one made for this problem, yet I'm still alive.

So apparently it's not the only solution, I know. I know. I just know. I've heard it all. From gentle advice to brutal honesty. Yeah, it's my fault for my hatred to be this out of control and I choose to be this way. I'm aware. The last piece of advice is just saying you have none left or there's nothing you can say or do to help. Guess I can't be helped if I refuse to help myself, of course. It's understandable you'd give up, despite the fact I've warned you from the beginning I'm untreatable. Well, those I've met in the past who wanted to help..

By the way, there's no superiority complex here, or something. Before you assume I think I'm better than everyone, I'll say that I know I'm a human and I'm just like the rest. Actually, I hate myself more than I could ever hate anything or anybody. I know I'm not some god, or I'm not perfect. I just can't love a person...

So now I'm left with suicide, or a lobotomy. Overcoming it is out of the option. Yeah you'll say it really isn't but what's the point? I'm not helping myself anyway. So why type this mess up? Because it's how i feel. I don't care if I'm being a victim, self pitying, even though I hate myself too much to pity, blaming others, or whatever others come up with.

Geez, these entries just get more and more depressing... I guess I really am 50x more depressed during Winter.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Why type this up? Because a part of you doesn't believe that and is screaming for help. If you were truly serious about everything you said, then you wouldn't be typing this, not to mention how frequent it is that you're typing it. You haven't quit just yet and, as long as you have the will to move, hands will be there to pull you up and push you to where you want to go. I've said this a lot of times, but I've always been here from the start, whether you want help or just someone to talk to. I don't plan on leaving any time soon.

Hate isn't the opposite of love, apathy is. Hate is a more twisted and hostile-enforced version of love. Think of it as love's "cousin". Love and hate have the same basis behind it: strong feelings towards someone, like an magnetic attraction to their presence. "Love" is attracted to the presence and wishes to.... you know what? Maybe these two quotes will explain it better than I can: "The opposite of love is not hate, it is apathy. Apathy is when you would do nothing for someone. Love is when you would do anything." and "I have a very strong feeling that the opposite of love is not hate — it's apathy. It's not giving a damn." You're still going through the grief of losing Kenji; you haven't completely settled things with her. Kenji didn't die because of anything you did; people and animals just die. Maybe it was just her time. We don't know. Maybe when it's your time, you can ask. For right now, you need to settle those demons in your mind.

 

[Eristelle]

Why type this up? Because a part of you doesn't believe that and is screaming for help. If you were truly serious about everything you said, then you wouldn't be typing this, not to mention how frequent it is that you're typing it. You haven't quit just yet and, as long as you have the will to move, hands will be there to pull you up and push you to where you want to go. I've said this a lot of times, but I've always been here from the start, whether you want help or just someone to talk to. I don't plan on leaving any time soon.

Hate isn't the opposite of love, apathy is. Hate is a more twisted and hostile-enforced version of love. Think of it as love's "cousin". Love and hate have the same basis behind it: strong feelings towards someone, like an magnetic attraction to their presence. "Love" is attracted to the presence and wishes to.... you know what? Maybe these two quotes will explain it better than I can: "The opposite of love is not hate, it is apathy. Apathy is when you would do nothing for someone. Love is when you would do anything." and "I have a very strong feeling that the opposite of love is not hate — it's apathy. It's not giving a damn." You're still going through the grief of losing Kenji; you haven't completely settled things with her. Kenji didn't die because of anything you did; people and animals just die. Maybe it was just her time. We don't know. Maybe when it's your time, you can ask. For right now, you need to settle those demons in your mind.

Sadly, don't think these demons will ever leave.
Maybe I'm an attention troll. : p
I do believe all this stuff, and I guess keeping it to myself was a way better idea.
Sometimes I just want someone to encourage me to die when I type such annoying, depressing, hatred spewing things. Maybe it was her time to go, but I've always had terrible karma.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Sadly, don't think these demons will ever leave.
Maybe I'm an attention troll. : p
I do believe all this stuff, and I guess keeping it to myself was a way better idea.
Sometimes I just want someone to encourage me to die when I type such annoying, depressing, hatred spewing things. Maybe it was her time to go, but I've always had terrible karma.

"Think", that's the key word. Do you wish to live in misery? Honestly, tell me. If I were in front of you, I'd ask you to look me in the eye and tell me. But, since we're not, I'm going to trust that whatever you say next is the honest truth you feel inside of you.

Why do you believe that keeping your thoughts to yourself is such a good idea? If you keep these things locked inside of you, they'll shred you to pieces! Your thoughts are as valuable as mine or anyone else's.

Well, you won't hear it from me or anyone else on here. I refuse to let someone close to me die, not when they're far away and not when they're in front of me. That's what friends do. They protect each other; they preserve their lives, at any cost and for no other reason other than pure affection. When one is down, the others come by and pick up them up.

Again, we don't know why she died. All we know is that things are what they are. When we die, we can spend all of our time pondering and asking those questions to whatever exists on the other side. Until then, you've got Nevaeh to take care of. Let her be your chain to this realm.

 

[Eristelle]

Yeah it's against site rules to encourage someone to commit suicide. There's always the brutal honesty, that's close enough sometimes.

I choose to be miserable. I keep thoughts to myself because when I finally spill some out, everyone thinks it's a cry for help. There really are times when I want to just be yelled at than encouraged to keep going. It's completely illogical to think I will ever get that sort of treatment here, so guess I'm attention hogging...

What friends? You can't convince me to live of you're far away. Considering I have no friends or anyone who would care if I died here, I could just disappear any time and you would either forget I ever existed, or just move on like most long distance friends do. Who knows? Maybe you won't do that at all. If I quit this site there's no chance you'd ever find anything to contact me with though.

I'm hopeless. You can give me all of your wisdom and advice you'd ever given anyone, only negative words and thoughts get into this unstable mind...

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Yeah it's against site rules to encourage someone to commit suicide. There's always the brutal honesty, that's close enough sometimes.

I choose to be miserable. I keep thoughts to myself because when I finally spill some out, everyone thinks it's a cry for help. There really are times when I want to just be yelled at than encouraged to keep going. It's completely illogical to think I will ever get that sort of treatment here, so guess I'm attention hogging...

What friends? You can't convince me to live of you're far away. Considering I have no friends or anyone who would care if I died here, I could just disappear any time and you would either forget I ever existed, or just move on like most long distance friends do. Who knows? Maybe you won't do that at all. If I quit this site there's no chance you'd ever find anything to contact me with though.

I'm hopeless. You can give me all of your wisdom and advice you'd ever given anyone, only negative words and thoughts get into this unstable mind...

I'm not doing this because of the rules. I'm doing this because I want to.

Why do you want to be yelled at? Do you believe that me tearing into you will give you the motivation you need to live? Or do you simply want me to yell at you just because you believe you deserve to be yelled at and the pain that comes with it?

You don't have any faith in me, do you? I'd know something was up if you didn't visit in a long time. I don't forget people so easily. It would take an extremely long time for me to forget you, like 5 or 6 years. Before then, if you truly "disappeared", I'd know it.

Then I'll just keep on trying until I do. Something will get through. Nothing lasts forever. There's always something that can break another; I'll just have to keep on trying different methods until something works.

 

[Eristelle]

I'm not doing this because of the rules. I'm doing this because I want to.

Why do you want to be yelled at? Do you believe that me tearing into you will give you the motivation you need to live? Or do you simply want me to yell at you just because you believe you deserve to be yelled at and the pain that comes with it?

You don't have any faith in me, do you? I'd know something was up if you didn't visit in a long time. I don't forget people so easily. It would take an extremely long time for me to forget you, like 5 or 6 years. Before then, if you truly "disappeared", I'd know it.

Then I'll just keep on trying until I do. Something will get through. Nothing lasts forever. There's always something that can break another; I'll just have to keep on trying different methods until something works.

Getting bullied, yelled at, treated like dirt is not only preferred because I deserve it, it's pure motivation to die. More reasons to not live.

It's obvious I don't have any faith in general. I'm easily forgettable. Like a bad musical with unappealing songs. Try all the methods in the universe. I've heard and read most advice. I'm stubborn, and pretty much any kind of optimism is seen as unrealistic to me. Eventually it'll all boil down to running out of ideas, thus ending the impossible game to enter my mind. I don't wish to be helped, honestly when I tell someone that, they still think they can help me but end up realizing its really a lost cause.

I lose faith twice more when someone dedicates their time to help me. I don't want to waste anyone's time when they could spend it on enjoying life. I just want to rant, have lurkers and straight forward, no nonsense people reply to basically chop me into pieces, and end it.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Getting bullied, yelled at, treated like dirt is not only preferred because I deserve it, it's pure motivation to die. More reasons to not live.

It's obvious I don't have any faith in general. I'm easily forgettable. Like a bad musical with unappealing songs. Try all the methods in the universe. I've heard and read most advice. I'm stubborn, and pretty much any kind of optimism is seen as unrealistic to me. Eventually it'll all boil down to running out of ideas, thus ending the impossible game to enter my mind. I don't wish to be helped, honestly when I tell someone that, they still think they can help me but end up realizing its really a lost cause.

I lose faith twice more when someone dedicates their time to help me. I don't want to waste anyone's time when they could spend it on enjoying life. I just want to rant, have lurkers and straight forward, no nonsense people reply to basically chop me into pieces, and end it.

And what exactly about you is justifiable cause for punishment, pain, and death? You'd have to be a complete scumbag for that and, from what I've seen, you're not a scumbag.

I don't do optimism. I dislike optimism as much as I dislike pessimism. I prefer realism, a balance of both. And, realistically speaking, you're overexaggerating and demonizing yourself. You can't have possibly heard most of the advice out there, if we're being brutally honest here. You'd have to have lived far longer than anyone of us on this site has lived. You may have heard a lot, but you haven't heard most. So, that means that there are still methods left to try. I'll try every single one and, if they don't work, then I'll just create more until one does. You and I are both hard-headed, now let's see who will break first.

I'll decide how I want to spend my time and I'll decide if it's worth anything or not.

 

[Eristelle]

And what exactly about you is justifiable cause for punishment, pain, and death? You'd have to be a complete scumbag for that and, from what I've seen, you're not a scumbag.

I don't do optimism. I dislike optimism as much as I dislike pessimism. I prefer realism, a balance of both. And, realistically speaking, you're overexaggerating and demonizing yourself. You can't have possibly heard most of the advice out there, if we're being brutally honest here. You'd have to have lived far longer than anyone of us on this site has lived. You may have heard a lot, but you haven't heard most. So, that means that there are still methods left to try. I'll try every single one and, if they don't work, then I'll just create more until one does. You and I are both hard-headed, now let's see who will break first.

I'll decide how I want to spend my time and I'll decide if it's worth anything or not.

I'm terrible.. >.> but okay. If I lost friends because of my pessimistic ways, pretty sure it won't end well if you dislike pessimism too. I don't think any of your methods could work if all you can do is just type messages. If you think about it, I could read everything you say to me and not take it seriously, unless it's flaming. However you attempt to help is beyond me, but I can't guarantee you'll see any improvement in me.

If I won't help myself, how can anyone help me?

 

[DeadmanWalking]

I'm terrible.. >.> but okay. If I lost friends because of my pessimistic ways, pretty sure it won't end well if you dislike pessimism too. I don't think any of your methods could work if all you can do is just type messages. If you think about it, I could read everything you say to me and not take it seriously, unless it's flaming. However you attempt to help is beyond me, but I can't guarantee you'll see any improvement in me.

If I won't help myself, how can anyone help me?

You speak as if my coming to see you would affect anything. Is that what you're telling me? You think I like everything about my friends? Ohhhh, how wrong you are. Just because I hate something about someone doesn't mean that I hate them. We all have pet peeves or things we hate about people, what matters is that we accept that part of them anyway. Why don't you talk to Errie? What would she say and do at a time like this?

The fact that you're still talking to me shows something. You don't have to keep talking to me, you know? All you had to go do is to log off and go do whatever it is that you want to.

 

[Eristelle]

You speak as if my coming to see you would affect anything. Is that what you're telling me? You think I like everything about my friends? Ohhhh, how wrong you are. Just because I hate something about someone doesn't mean that I hate them. We all have pet peeves or things we hate about people, what matters is that we accept that part of them anyway. Why don't you talk to Errie? What would she say and do at a time like this?

The fact that you're still talking to me shows something. You don't have to keep talking to me, you know? All you had to go do is to log off and go do whatever it is that you want to.

People online rarely meet, so no. Really. I'm not like that. Hate is hate. Errie would probably feel bad about me, I can't say much considering she doesn't exist. I guess I'm trying to win here. Just convince you to see how this would be a waste. As believable as you sound, I never get my hopes up. I do appreciate your odd determination, but nobody needs to waste time on a person whos not doing anything to better themselves.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

People online rarely meet, so no. Really. I'm not like that. Hate is hate. Errie would probably feel bad about me, I can't say much considering she doesn't exist. I guess I'm trying to win here. Just convince you to see how this would be a waste. As believable as you sound, I never get my hopes up. I do appreciate your odd determination, but nobody needs to waste time on a person whos not doing anything to better themselves.

I'll drop things...... for now. But, before I go, allow me these few words:

Errie is your subconscious trying to fight those feelings, just like Janus is for me. The both of them do exist, within us. They are the manifestations of our feelings of wanting to fight this raging depression within us. We can become who they are.

 

[Eristelle]

I'll drop things...... for now. But, before I go, allow me these few words:

Errie is your subconscious trying to fight those feelings, just like Janus is for me. The both of them do exist, within us. They are the manifestations of our feelings of wanting to fight this raging depression within us. We can become who they are.

Doubt I could ever be the gorgeous, courageous, spontaneous Errie, but okay.

 

[Eristelle]

Finally got to see my best friend after almost 4 months.
Happy.
Happy.
Joy.
Joy.

And I got 2 free Psychic readings. <3

 

[Eristelle]

Fml.. I just woke up.
And it's midnight -.- I really can't sleep at night.