Memoirs of the Unfathomable Soul

[MikeyC]

Just curious, Eristelle: have you been diagnosed with Body Dysmorphic Disorder? Judging from how incredibly low you think about your appearance, it's possible you might have this.

I'm pathetic.

No you're not.

I just don't care. About anything. Life, happiness, love, success, whatever i'm supposed to care about so greatly.

I get this, too. Major signs of depression. ::

 

[Eristelle]

No, i've never been diagnosed with BDD. I wonder if I have that.
How does one even begin to recover from that?

 

[MikeyC]

No, i've never been diagnosed with BDD. I wonder if I have that.
How does one even begin to recover from that?

I don't know you, but you certainly might.

Body dysmorphic disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

That should answer all your questions...or create some new ones.

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

I'd rather you just call me ugly. Don't play the avoid my looks game and comment on what I'm wearing or even better: the pigeon behind me. I am ugly. Don't lie to me out of pity. I'll always be that girl who you'll never really care about. The one you'll always refer to as little sister or "some person".

I can't see anyone ever calling you ugly, because you simply aren't ugly. Just as with anyone else, some people are going to find you more attractive than others, but I can't imagine any guy (or girl) finding you ugly or unattractive.

 

[Eristelle]

Thanks... Well, onto the main entry for today.

I just woke up, 2 pm this time -_-. I feel sad, which is no surprise. Despite having an okay Friday, I just can't help waking up with shaky hands and a overwhelming feeling of sadness take over. Nothing has happened... Just me and my thoughts today. A few questions have been lingering in my mind. I wonder why guys think females have it way easier. Then it's to the point they start hating females. Why, though? Not all of us are confident, curvaceous, and carefree. Obviously. I remember visiting a forum that could not stand women. Of course I never posted there, but some of their posts were interesting to read. How all females cheat, how we have no logic, how we deserve to get raped, and how we just dump them and move onto the next one. Apparently something terrible had to happen for them to think the entire female race is sub human. I can't say we all don't do that, just like they can't say all males do not do those things either.

I know how it feels. The dreaded friend zone, having no confidence, being dumped like trash, and even hating the entire male race one time. It's just something we overcome as time fades wounds, right? Honestly I feel sad for some of them. I almost wanted to post and tell them I can relate, but I know there's no point. Although I still have hatred within me, I don't think I could ever go so far to ruin someone's life by posting their info so everyone can join in... For the lolz.

Still. I sometimes wonder if relating to them is a good thing. Sigh. I know today is going to be peaceful... Maybe I'll feel better as the day continues. You know what, I'm still trapped in the Friend zone, so I'm sorry to some of you. It's not a good feeling, but we're in there for a reason I guess. Maybe I should occupy myself. Then this feeling will disappear. Lol the kittens can only replace sadness with love and a bit of annoyance. Geez. I wish they would stop destroying and eating everything they see. Sometimes they would try to eat rubber... Or even a small earring! Sometimes even i'm a victim to their developing ferocious kitty teeth. But I still love them.

Especially when they give me attention as I cook. xD

 

[MikeyC]

I wonder why guys think females have it way easier. Then it's to the point they start hating females. Why, though?

I have always maintained that women have a harder time at everything than males do. I think, by observation, some men think women have it easier because we have to work for a relationship, while women are always desired and it's hard for men to get ahead. To a point, that can be true, but not to the limits some suggest.

Also, some men are misogynists. I remember a guy at work, easily in his 60's (retired now) who would constantly berate women for infecting the workforce, how their place is in the kitchen, they shouldn't speak unless given permission, and so on. He was crazy that way.

Obviously. I remember visiting a forum that could not stand women.

Such a thing exists? Wow.

Of course I never posted there, but some of their posts were interesting to read. How all females cheat, how we have no logic, how we deserve to get raped, and how we just dump them and move onto the next one.

Not all females, no, hell no, and not all females. Are they trying to say that males don't do this? How closed-minded.

Apparently something terrible had to happen for them to think the entire female race is sub human.

It's not really fair, though. Males can get their hearts broken, too, but it shouldn't be a reflection of every single woman in the world.

 

[Eristelle]

I agree. Except not every woman is desirable... Some women have to work just as hard to even get guys to notice her.

Yes. Such a place exists.

 

[MikeyC]

I agree. Except not every woman is desirable... Some women have to work just as hard to even get guys to notice her.

Yes. Such a place exists.

Exactly! I hate these double-standards about how it's okay if a man does something, but for a woman it's unacceptable - gah, it infuriates me!

 

[Eristelle]

Don't we all.

 

[MikeyC]

Don't we all.

Apparently not, since that forum exists!

 

[Eristelle]

Those guys probably have something wrong with them.. Perhaps they're shy? Or overly sensitive.
Who knows why they would have so much hate.

 

[MikeyC]

Those guys probably have something wrong with them.. Perhaps they're shy? Or overly sensitive.
Who knows why they would have so much hate.

Men enjoy power, too. We won't know for sure, but I already dislike that forum.

 

[Eristelle]

Today's peaceful. But so depressing. ;l

 

[Eristelle]

Well I'm bored. Surprisingly I've had such a peaceful sleep. Maybe a few creepy dreams, but felt so comfortable sleeping. That's rare. The downside is I slept ALL day. Nothing much is happening right now. These days have been uneventful. That's a great thing. I've been thinking a lot about my dad though. I miss him. I dreamt about him in one of those dreams. He was driving, and everyone was in the car... It felt like old times. Peace. My parents still together. Having fun conversations. Nowadays I don't see him often and my mom has the car now. I miss him living here. I felt like crying a little after that dream. So many pleasant memories, yet they stab me countless times as I compare them to these horrible memories today. Before February this year, we were okay... Then March came. I hate this year. Funny how I said a few minutes from New Years, "This year is going to suck more than 2010." Jinx much? I regret saying that. I regret taking everything we did as a family for granted. Sometimes I regret being born. Maybe if I wasn't, they wouldn't struggle too much. Then my mom yells at me for saying it. It's bad to say that, but I thought I was a useless child to begin with.

I want to call him, but he never answers. Apparently his phone drops calls. I hope he's not avoiding me. I feel terrible for being mean to him. Blaming him for everything. I felt as if I was feeding into my moms propaganda. This is why you should never bash the other parent while divorcing. She claims she wasn't trying to turn us against him, but that's bs. She talked crap about him every time he walked past her. Sigh. Maybe I should try calling today. I feel so immature for missing him so much, but my parents have been together since I was born, and before that. Like since my older brother was 5. He's 30 now. I hope he's ok. He may have to have another surgery on his back due to scar tissue.

Funny. When we were still a family and he got his first surgery, my mother took great care of him. When he wanted to separate she told me a thousand times if he ever gets sick again she'll never take care if him. She wouldn't even care. This whole experience sucks. On the bright side, they actually had a nice conversation last time they met. It made me smile. Almost cry. All the other times they argued or ignored each other. It may not be enough to get them back together, but as long as my moms not screaming at him and trying to stab him, i'm fine.

 

[MikeyC]

Sometimes I regret being born. Maybe if I wasn't, they wouldn't struggle too much. Then my mom yells at me for saying it. It's bad to say that, but I thought I was a useless child to begin with.

To be fair, not many parents want their child to tell them they regret being born.

On the bright side, they actually had a nice conversation last time they met. It made me smile. Almost cry. All the other times they argued or ignored each other. It may not be enough to get them back together, but as long as my moms not screaming at him and trying to stab him, i'm fine.

This is nice. Even if a couple are divorced and have children together, there needs to be some sort of civility for the children's sake. I hope that continues.

 

[Eristelle]

It's been a while. Quite a few things happened.
i lost my angel. My friend. The only one who loved me, and i loved her. My kitten, Kenzie has passed. I'm truly alone now. it's like i really am meant to be alone. No matter what they say, i know it's just comforting words. You're not there for me. You never were. I am alone. I have no one. Don't say i have you. It's like trying to save a suicidal person's life, when you know you wont stick around after they decide to live, believing you actually cared. It was only a good deed. You personally don't care about them. That's how i feel when you sit there and tell me i have you.

Kenzie may had been a little kitten, but she could make me feel so loved in a matter of seconds. With only signs of affection and an unconditional love of a true companion. I valued her more than my life, or my health. That means nothing to me. The lack of sleep and peace of mind are worthless. I did all i could to take care of her. And in the end, my last morning with her is the fondest memory i have, out of all my horrible ones. When she died around midnight, i died. My heart had so much pain weighing it down. I know shes resting peacefully in her own heaven. A paradise for all deceased animals. I know she no longer has to suffer...but i miss her terribly.

My family feels bad. We all loved Kenzie. I wanted to die after she did, but i was still in shock, and tired from crying all these tears. I still can't sleep at night. The only thing that gives me a peaceful rest is picturing and describing the beautiful place my angel is eternally residing. It hurts so much. It kills me to know ill never hold her again. I have no one. My life has truly become as meaningless as it was before i met her. All i have now is shallow, temporary friendships with people who don't care. My family claims to care, although it's not easy to trust anything they say.

In the end, i was right. I was meant to be alone. It makes it easier to kill myself, but i still don't have the energy to do anything. Just mourning and wishing that i was with Kenzie...People think I'm crazy for being literally broken over her, but what they don't understand is that while they never cared about me. she was all i had. All i needed. I can't get another pet. Not now...Unless im finacially able, i wont make the same mistake. Life goes on, but mine has ended.

You're not there for me. Stop saying that. if you were, then where are you? I'm still alone, dying as you gradually forget i even existed. That's why i can't trust anyone. They just lie. Funny how i said i only needed a big push to actually do it. God only knows how long i have before I'm really driven over the edge. My death wont be as tragic as Kenzie's, but that's fine. She was actually worth something.

 

[Fen]

Losing a pet is always tragic. When I was a child I had a dog, we found her literally in garbage and we taked her home with us. We gave her a home and a lot of love.
When I was 13 years old she passed away, unfortunately, and I cried for months, but she gave birth to others dogs and they are lovely.

Maybe you should get a new pet, not for replace your cat or whatnot, but to make happy someone else.
For example, there are a lot of dogs in doghouses that are waiting nothing but that.
Nobody will be as your Kenzie, but you could be surprised the same.

 

[1BlackSheep]

I'm so sorry to hear that you lost sweet Kenzie. :: My pets are family to me so I know how hard it is to lose them. Are you able to get transportation to your local animal shelter? Perhaps you could do some volunteer work helping to socialize kittens or hold/play with the older kitties? There are sooooo many animals in need these days! Doing some volunteer work would help get you out of the house, socialize a bit with people, and get your kitty fix!

I'm glad to hear that you are wanting to keep ties with your father. Hopefully you can arrange some one-on-one time with him in the future. Maybe get together for a meal or a movie every now and then? I'm sure he'd enjoy spending time with you!

You seem like a smart girl and have wonderful writing skills! Have you ever thought about taking some on-line classes? There are so many different types available these days! I think you would do well in any class you set your mind out to take. Perhaps use the time you have to gain skills that will help you to eventually move out on your own? I know you can do it!!!

 

[MikeyC]

R.I.P. Kenzie.

We had a cat who died last year (August 15, 2010...I remember the exact day) when she was 21 years old. She was my best friend. I know what you're going through and it's tough to lose a pet who gave you unconditional love.

Despite what you're thinking, you're certainly not alone. Grieving is important, but there are people around to listen to you and comfort you.

 

[Eristelle]

Thanks. I really don't want another cat right now. I have my sisters cat. Odd enough, kenzies spirit lives within her. She was such a loner before kenzie died...now she's a happy little talkative Kitty. I love Nevaeh though. I call her niblits because she's greedy. the most amazing thing is that she was always around me while kenzie was sick. Now shes really around me. she's a piece of heaven. <3

Her and Kenzie were sisters. I'm thinking Niblits was slightly older though. Well, I think she misses her too. Poor thing whines and destroys things with far more destructive energy nowadays. She also tries to get everyone's attention, something she rarely did back then. I think she's all I need. I won't get another cat unless I have money. That way I'll be able to take my kitties to the vet. Maybe pet insurance too...Sadly I still don't trust what they say. I can only be there for myself when im feeling horrible. Sometimes it's dangerous though if I try destructive ways to make myself feel better.

I'd rather that happen though. Then again Nevaeh makes me smile so I'll be okay..unless she tries to eat everything that's on the counters. Then I get annoyed. No one seems to be on guard about her greedy attitude but me. then I get yelled at for EVERYTHING she does. My mom never yells at my sister. I always have to take her away or clean up every mess she makes. It's irritating because I know she won't do anything to help because she isn't reliable. We have our own expertise. I can take care of animals, and she with babies. I can't stand babies so I tend to ignore their existence.

In the end, all I have is niblits now. So I'm not that alone.