Meeting a decent female, despite having SA?

[Lycoming]

I have SA, and I'm in a new city at a new job. Dating is impossible because I can't handle having to always do social events if I want to see a girl I'm trying to date. But if I don't go out, she'll get bored and find someone else.

If she does invite me out to do activities, I jump on them so fast because I want to do the activity and am super happy that the date wants to do it with me. But then I must seem desparate because I never turn anything down, and I never have other plans, because I don't have other friends yet.

Someone pointed out the other day that I am intelligent, attractive, and have a good job: I'm a catch.

They're wrong. I'm not rich, I don't have funny lines, and I don't like large groups of people. 1 tiny flaw and I'm alone forever. I can't even enjoy things myself anymore, because there's only so long one can do the same activities by themselves, over and over. Don't get me wrong, I like having friends, but I don't know what love or affection even feels like anymore, and that is plain depressing.

Saying "don't worry you'll find someone" is humiliating. Even wife beaters find someone. I don't.

 

[Feathers]

Well, what if you find a girl who likes to stay in and not do any social events?

What if you get over your SA? (It's not a 'permanent fixture', some people do get over it or out of it..)

If you don't have other plans, you need to open up a newspaper and see 'events sections' and such.. Or look up on meetup.com or such..
Even a library event or poetry reading in a cafe can be considered an 'event' and can be more tolerable than a huge big do..

Not all girls like funny lines (and some of those lines aren't funny ), some girls even don't have a sense of humor.. and in 6 months, you can get new friends anywhere, or at least acquaintances/activities partners.. (Even if they might be older or younger than you..) Have you tried looking for organisations or clubs with your interests? Or volunteering?

 

[3lefts]

I think you're capable. I think you are more likely to come across someone one day. Actually quite a few someone's, you already have. It's just a matter of becoming involved, and being balanced in your time spent together.
I feel uneasy sometimes too about not having many plans, but you're not desperate unless you want to be. Maybe if it's a relationship developing with a girl, talk to them about it. If it comes up and you feel like that, and you think maybe they wonder why you're always ready to hang out, just tell them. It's not easy for you to find people you like being around, but she's somebody you enjoy so you don't mind going out that often. It'll be flattering if anything. But of course people need there space so do what feels right, maybe don't hang out one night. I won't say you'll find somebody, but I will say you'll be fine, because that's easy enough.
Everyone has flaws, and yours are just as loveable I assure you

 

[overcome.]

I think you're capable. I think you are more likely to come across someone one day. Actually quite a few someone's, you already have. It's just a matter of becoming involved, and being balanced in your time spent together.
I feel uneasy sometimes too about not having many plans, but you're not desperate unless you want to be. Maybe if it's a relationship developing with a girl, talk to them about it. If it comes up and you feel like that, and you think maybe they wonder why you're always ready to hang out, just tell them. It's not easy for you to find people you like being around, but she's somebody you enjoy so you don't mind going out that often. It'll be flattering if anything. But of course people need there space so do what feels right, maybe don't hang out one night. I won't say you'll find somebody, but I will say you'll be fine, because that's easy enough.
Everyone has flaws, and yours are just as loveable I assure you

I think that's really quite a nice and well thought out post. Also, there is a lot of truth there. After that I don't really know what to say, because it has pretty much everything covered. Without sounding cliche, it's kind of like our flaws make us who we are, they mould our personality and mindset. It's how you deal with them. Opportunities come and go, and hindsight is nautral, but when it happens, it'll happen out of nowhere.

 

[Acegame]

Well my problem is that im scared to take any steps. Even when i know a girl likes me back. I have never been rejected, but thats because i never took the risk of being rejected. Since a couple of years i also have this with starting normal friendships (and maintaining old friends). I feel that im not fun to be with since im scared of going out or doing other stuff in public. But i believe its all a question of practice. All the beginnings are hard. We just refuse to take the first step because we think to much about the negative outcome. Just count the amount of "if's" you wrote in your post

And btw, it has nothing to do with being rich or having a job. Women will like you if they see you are confident about who you are, even if you dont have a single penny. The ones that do care about your money you dont even want. We just need to get confidence by practise Get our guts together and ask someone out for a drink (at least in my case)

 

[Hastings & Main]

What everyone else has said.
Plus, that 'other someone' quite often will bring out the parts of you that are repressed. A positive understanding force in your life uncovers things that are hidden under years or however much time that negative reinforcement by our own minds buries.

But I know how you feel in any event. Like one of my favorite Mr.T Experience songs states, "even Hitler had a girlfriend, so why can't I?".

You may even get to enjoy larger social gatherings if you have someone there with you, knows your feelings and has 'got your back' if you tense up.

 

[JamesSmith]

Saying "don't worry you'll find someone" is humiliating. Even wife beaters find someone. I don't.

That quote is very popular. But in reality, it's not true. Another popular quote is, "there is someone out there for everybody." In the US, a study was done and they found that 1.5% of people die virgins. That means that 1 or 2 people out of every hundred people in this country will not "find someone," like your quote says. Another statistic I found is 96% of people die w/out being married in the US. So that's an incredible 4 out of 100 who never tie the knot. Now looking at the fact that we have SA, that gives us an even better chance of lifelong loneliness. So yes, you and me and other people have a chance of ending up alone, it's very possible.

 

[spect01]

I, and I suspect many other guys, including you, are in a trapped situation with this. Not only is social anxiety a huge obstacle, but there's other things that we as men need to be able to meet a girl (job, car, independent living etc.) You think that stuff doesn't matter but it does dude. It does. "don't worry you'll find someone is terrible advice, especially for a guy because guys have to be the ones to make first move (rule, not exception).

A 15 year old boy has more experience then me with girls. (I'm 19).

 

[combat]

Saying "don't worry you'll find someone" is humiliating. Even wife beaters find someone. I don't.

I hate hearing that, too. It think it's B.S.

 

[Lycoming]

Hah, and I have a job, a car, and an independent lifestyle. It just never, never works. I could stand infront of 1000 people and give a speech in my boxers and make a joke about it...but I can't 'make' a girl like me.

 

[combat]

Hah, and I have a job, a car, and an independent lifestyle. It just never, never works. I could stand infront of 1000 people and give a speech in my boxers and make a joke about it...but I can't 'make' a girl like me.

Same here. Job, car, and independent lifestyle don't seem to be the answer. The guy I know who can talk a different chick into bed each night still lives with his mother, btw.

 

[FountainandFairfax]

Same here. Job, car, and independent lifestyle don't seem to be the answer. The guy I know who can talk a different chick into bed each night still lives with his mother, btw.

I stopped by my mother’s house about a year ago to pick something up while she was at work (this was when my 28-year old brother had moved back in and was still staying there) and walked in on him in the act of screwing some girl. He was literally in mid-hump when I opened the door. I backed out real slow and pulled it shut, and they never even knew I had seen them.

But it’s the same thing; outgoing, good looking guys can have sex anytime they want. Even if it’s a booty-call in the middle of the day at their mamma’s house.

Ha Ha

 

[Tiercel]

Even if it’s a booty-call in the middle of the day at their mamma’s house.

I feel like that's all I have to offer. A crappy situation, and crappier self-esteem.

Unfortunately, I don't think that advertising such is any way to meet a decent female that I'd want to keep around for any protracted length of time.

 

[Kiwong]

Idependent lifestyle? Why would you want to give that up?