Loyal's Thoughts

[PugofCrydee]

Awesome Loyal, congratz! Welcome back to slavery

 

[LoyalXenite]

I've got my training shift tomorrow. Anxiety peaking pretty damn high. My alarm is set for just under 5 hours and I cant sleep so looks like I'll be doing an all nighter of stress before tomorrow

 

[LoyalXenite]

I had training today and yesterday, I'll have some more training next week but I think Im done with shifts this week.

I've gotten so used to sitting around a lot with uni and the lockdown/my mental health mess, so I'm not used to being on my feet for 6 to 8 hours straight and walking around a lot. Its quite an adjustment and my body is sore and Im so tired. My shoes are killing me though, thankfully they're giving us with boots after training so hopefully that will help. I bought gel inserts for my shoes yesterday and it was a little less painful today, but not by much coz my feet are still throbbing

The job itself is pretty straightforward and easy, I just gotta learn to judge packing sizes better, learn where the stock is, and get faster at it. That'll all come in time though

I had a sleep after work and woke up with bad migraine so now I feel like shit coz my head is pounding and making me feel like I might vomit. I want to like down and sleep a little more but laying down makes the nausea worse

 

[LoyalXenite]

Sometimes grief is so damn heavy it feels like I cant breathe. You'd think when going into 10 years I'd have gotten used to it or it'd be easier to shake off. Then again maybe its the fact that its gonna be 10 years in a couple months thats making it so heavy.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Been struggling with the big sad lately. I think part of it has been the comedown from the high anxiety state I was in for a couple weeks there. Now its like I've crashed hard into the big sad. I made a deal with myself today though, if I did just some of the cleaning then I could skip the dusting. Coz once again I hadnt cleaned in who knows how long and it was getting to be an issue but the dusting is always just so overwhelming and annoying. So I told myself that if I would just do the rest of the cleaning list it wouldnt be so bad and then I could relax guilt free. It worked, I did the rest of the basic cleaning list (though I've still got at least 3 more loads of washing to do) and now the rest of the day is mine. I know I ought to have dusted too but I just didnt have it in me. So better to do most of it as opposed to none of it which wouldve been the case otherwise.

I was meant to be moving on to night shifts this week at work but for some reason theyve rostered me on for another two weeks of day shift which means my sleep pattern is all weird- though I guess it resembles a more normal human sleep pattern, but its got me feeling tired as all heck.

Another part of the bad headspace mood is definitely this lockdown, so many jerks not following the rules and causing lockdown to just keep getting extended. It just got another month added on but the numbers arent even close to dropping so theres talk of the lockdown ending up going right through xmas. I miss my friends and our proper dnd sessions, the virtual one is so much shorter and just isnt the same- though at least its something. Not to mention St Ives and Winterfest will end up cancelled again. Things were so close to being back to normal now it feels like we're back to square one with covid but its stronger this time with the delta strain and people are being stupid and selfish and there isnt the covid supplement payment which made it a lot easier to manage the mental health part of it all coz I got financially stable- losing that payment really sucked, though hopefully work will help with that

 

[LoyalXenite]

Its been a weird morning today and its only 9:40am. I woke before alarm by like 20 minutes which is always annoying, I also wasnt feeling great thanks to a combination of bad sleep, anxiety, stress of having to leave the house, and allergies. It led to me dry heaving for at least 40 minutes, part of which was on the drive to work coz I was gonna be late otherwise, but then dry heaving faded and turned into general cough coz my throat was all agitated from all the heaving.
I get to work a few minutes late but at work we have these forms we have to fill in each shift about potential covid risks, and one of the questions is do you have any flu like symptoms including coughing. I know my cough was from the heaving and also probably partly my allergies coz I wasnt feeling great anyway, but I wanted to double check if I needed to tick yes to the question anyway. So I asked the boss and she said I wasnt allowed to be there, even if I was sure it wasnt covid I couldnt work without a negative test result, or a doctors certificate stating it was allergies. So I had to leave work and go get covid tested, luckily there was a testing place about a km and a half away, and there were only two people ahead of me so I got tested and back home pretty quickly.

Now Im on extra lockdown rules, cant even leave the house for food, only for a medical emergency, until I get text to say my covid results are negative. Which Im fairly sure they will be, though a little part of me is a bit concerned of the chance of covid- but Im fully vaccinated so odds are very low of it being covid

 

[Hoth]

I've been thinking for the past 18 months how hellish it must be to have allergies that cause a cough in these times. I hope they don't make you get tested for every cough separately... unless you get paid and they aren't allowed to fire you for a medical issue but they never let you work, which might not be so bad.

 

[LoyalXenite]

I've been thinking for the past 18 months how hellish it must be to have allergies that cause a cough in these times. I hope they don't make you get tested for every cough separately... unless you get paid and they aren't allowed to fire you for a medical issue but they never let you work, which might not be so bad.

I dont get paid for the day they sent me home coz Im not full time, im just a casual so no paid sick leave. Luckily I got my results today and they were negative, so hopefully they wont comment on any coughing for the next week or so at least. Its definitely an awkward time to be an asthmatic with allergies

 

[LoyalXenite]

Job isnt seeming to be going particularly well. The job itself is straight forward, but I just havent been able to get my speed up, they expect a minimum of 200 to 250 items picked and packed in a 5 hour shift, and I've been averaging around 100. I've been there for about a month now and my speed hasnt picked up so the manager had a word with me last shift and said I wont be put on night shifts until I've got my numbers up, but then I noticed today I've only been rostered on for one shift this week instead of the usual two. So Im wondering if they're gonna stop giving me shifts and just essentially fire me without firing me, perils of being a casual it seems.

There's also a woman at work who, with her mask on, looks so much like my friend that died. Her hair style, height, skin tone, face structure, even her damn perfume. At certain angles I'd swear it was Gabe and I am not sure how I'm handling that. I'd only seen her a couple times but last shift I kept seeing her and my brain just kept freaking out on me.

Im not particularly invested in the job so if they do let me go its not really gonna matter for me, a bit of an ego blow but I havent been there long enough to form any attachment. Frankly it would be a relief in some ways coz the pressure to be faster is difficult to deal with, especially since I dont think I can get any faster. Im not a slow person, I just cant do their required numbers and I dont see myself reaching them. Losing the job would suck financially though, but then again if they arent giving me shifts then it wont be much different from no job..

Still no end in sight for the lockdown, they're saying eased restrictions when the state is at 70% fully vaxxed and we're currently at 40% fully vaxxed, so I guess in a couple months its possible, but the numbers are just on the rise despite the lockdown so it just feels like it'll never end.

Things are just feeling pointless and hopeless again, I think if I didnt have my dogs I'd be checking myself in to have a mental health break. But instead Im just stuck in a limbo of anxiety and depression and losing my days but getting nothing done

 

[LoyalXenite]

Welp. They let me go. My numbers just werent good enough, even though I was moving as fast as I could and doing the best I could I just couldnt do it and so today was my last day. Hurt a little more than I expected, I think its the knowledge that I tried my hardest but just wasnt good enough thats hurting more than the actual job loss.

Trying to keep this is mind

 

[Hoth]

Jobs that want people to be blazing fast repetitive machines are the worst. I had a couple of those briefly long ago, hated the constant pressure to speed up.

So you're not particularly fast at repetitive tasks. That's really nothing to be ashamed of, it's not like being let go for not being smart enough or because they didn't like your personality or because you did something wrong. Hopefully the experience will help you going forward, one way or another.

 

[F0AM]

Welp. They let me go. My numbers just werent good enough, even though I was moving as fast as I could and doing the best I could I just couldnt do it and so today was my last day. Hurt a little more than I expected, I think its the knowledge that I tried my hardest but just wasnt good enough thats hurting more than the actual job loss.

Trying to keep this is mind
View attachment 5910

And that is completely true, life is not a videogame where everything depends on you while the rest are NPCs. The "You can achieve everything you want as long as you do your best" has many flaws, for instance it makes you think that the world spins around you as if no one else would also do superb or as if we were made to excel in every single activity.

Our personal best may vary with time for many reasons like going through a rough time, illnesses (both mental and physical), high/bad self steem, a healthy social circle (or the lack), positive/toxic work environment, etc.. Basicaly stuff that is not completely under your control, i mean you could fix some of those but is not something that would change from day to night so in the meantime...yeah, you pretty much eat it lol.

Obvioulsy if you want something, then commit to it, because chances will be higher. But if you don't achieve it, then first you need to recognise if the reason was something you can improve or it's simply out of your reach.

I tried my hardest but just wasnt good enough

Then you were a 10 out of 10, that work isn't for you

I hope you can find another job sooner than later. And don't be discouraged/ashamed buddy

 

[Phoenixx]

I'm sorry to hear that Loyal. But Hoth and F0AM made excellent points. I wish you luck with your other future job endeavors. Hopefully those won't try to mold you into a speed running robot.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Jobs that want people to be blazing fast repetitive machines are the worst. I had a couple of those briefly long ago, hated the constant pressure to speed up.

So you're not particularly fast at repetitive tasks. That's really nothing to be ashamed of, it's not like being let go for not being smart enough or because they didn't like your personality or because you did something wrong. Hopefully the experience will help you going forward, one way or another.

And that is completely true, life is not a videogame where everything depends on you while the rest are NPCs. The "You can achieve everything you want as long as you do your best" has many flaws, for instance it makes you think that the world spins around you as if no one else would also do superb or as if we were made to excel in every single activity.

Our personal best may vary with time for many reasons like going through a rough time, illnesses (both mental and physical), high/bad self steem, a healthy social circle (or the lack), positive/toxic work environment, etc.. Basicaly stuff that is not completely under your control, i mean you could fix some of those but is not something that would change from day to night so in the meantime...yeah, you pretty much eat it lol.

Obvioulsy if you want something, then commit to it, because chances will be higher. But if you don't achieve it, then first you need to recognise if the reason was something you can improve or it's simply out of your reach.



Then you were a 10 out of 10, that work isn't for you

I hope you can find another job sooner than later. And don't be discouraged/ashamed buddy

I'm sorry to hear that Loyal. But Hoth and F0AM made excellent points. I wish you luck with your other future job endeavors. Hopefully those won't try to mold you into a speed running robot.

Thanks guys. Im doing a little better today, it helps that the manager mentioned that out of the 5 of us that were trained together 2 others are also getting let go, so it wasnt just me that didnt meet their required numbers. Im also reminding myself that the pressure to be faster was causing me more anxiety so Im better off without it and hopefully I find a new job soon that is better suited to me.

 

[LoyalXenite]

We found out the gender of the baby today. I'm going to have a baby brother

Its still weird to be getting my first sibling when Im 31, closer to 32 when its born. But a boy is easier for me, I dont know girly stuff, boy stuff I can do Plus boy toys are cooler

 

[LoyalXenite]

Sooo I dyed my hair green today. Its Manic Panic's Green Envy Amplified, so it came out a sort of emerald green cross with a bright forest green. I actually really like it. The blue had faded out so its nice to have a pop of color back in there

 

[LoyalXenite]

A really intense storm hit at 4am last night and flooded the garage. Its gonna be days before it dries and the musty smell is gonna drive me crazy. I really hate living in a damn garage sometimes

 

[PugofCrydee]

A really intense storm hit at 4am last night and flooded the garage. Its gonna be days before it dries and the musty smell is gonna drive me crazy. I really hate living in a damn garage sometimes

I seen there was a tornado in your state

 

[LoyalXenite]

I seen there was a tornado in your state

Thankfully that was a few hours away, but its not too far from where I used to live

 

[LoyalXenite]

I bought this cute outfit for my future brother. There was a ton of cool nightmare before christmas stuff at Big W but just about everything I wanted sold out virtually instantly. Damn covid shoppers