idk wtf happened to the emoji there.. It was meant to be the normal exhale oneslipping into the big sad again
The dingo sanctuary has been great, and theres been a couple days where I've caught up with some friends and been able to get out of my head. But outside of those days I've been feeling rather low again
. I also got my eyebrow pierced again, I used to have it about 10 years back but had to take it out coz of the toxic ex bullshit, along with my nose and lip piercings, I missed the eyebrow ones the most and so I decided fuck it I want it back. Then I impulsively got a nipple pierced too lol. Probably indicative that I slipped into a more manic end of the mood spirals but eh I like the piercings so I dont mind. its nice to be feeling like I'm me again and less like I've been running on autopilot and survival mode.
You put in so much work towards losing weight, yet that's what she focused on most. I can understand your insecurity, but believe me when I say (as cliche as it always sounds), when you're dating someone and that person really loves you and cares for you, they're not going to care about all your loose skin. They're going to know about your weight loss journey and say, "Wow! That's an amazing achievement! I'm so proud of you!" And they're going to see what a determined and hardworking person you truly are.This. It's always this. It's a sense of insecurity with themselves so they feel the urge to push others down to make themselves feel better, while also being a reflection of their own character and what they aren't able to do. My mother was pretty bad about this growing up. She ALWAYS had a comment towards how I looked and it seriously affected my confidence (or rather lack thereof) as a teen and even now. I wasn't thin growing up either. I was pretty chunky for a long time especially for my height, weighed more then than I do now. Not just "baby fat", but I also wasn't as active as I am now either, nor did I eat as healthily. I remember a couple times in particular when shopping for clothing (which was always a living hell most of the time) she would make remarks like, "I can't believe you're bigger than I was at this age." and "You know, you could go on a diet." That shit is SO damaging towards children, but especially towards girls because it's thrown in our faces at such a young age through the media alone on how we are expected to look. Not to mention remarks towards my hair, how I did not know how to take care of the curly mass on top of my head, my crooked teeth which needed a lot of money invested into because I did not win the genetic lottery on that front, the fact I didn't wear makeup either, and that I wasn't "girly enough" since I hated more feminine clothing anyways and was almost always wearing guys t-shirts. But what's funny is that despite all the judgment I got from my own mother, not once did she even help me in any of these departments (except the teeth; boy did my parents have to dish out the change on that, but that was a whole medical issue, not really cosmetics) and later in life it dawned on me that she never helped me and just bullied me all the time because I was a reflection of what she couldn't actually do herself. She couldn't bother to teach me how to do makeup or care properly for my curly hair or even find clothes that fitted properly because she didn't know how to do it herself. I ended up having to teach myself ALL of those things, plus how to eat better, and I have a lot more confidence now than I ever did as a kid/teen. Gaining confidence and being happy with yourself and reflecting that with your hair, makeup, clothing, etc. is the biggest middle-finger flex you can have towards anyone that has judged you wrongly otherwise.
I'm so sorry your mom had to make an inappropriate comment like that Loyal.
This. It's always this. It's a sense of insecurity with themselves so they feel the urge to push others down to make themselves feel better, while also being a reflection of their own character and what they aren't able to do. My mother was pretty bad about this growing up. She ALWAYS had a comment towards how I looked and it seriously affected my confidence (or rather lack thereof) as a teen and even now. I wasn't thin growing up either. I was pretty chunky for a long time especially for my height, weighed more then than I do now. Not just "baby fat", but I also wasn't as active as I am now either, nor did I eat as healthily. I remember a couple times in particular when shopping for clothing (which was always a living hell most of the time) she would make remarks like, "I can't believe you're bigger than I was at this age." and "You know, you could go on a diet." That shit is SO damaging towards children, but especially towards girls because it's thrown in our faces at such a young age through the media alone on how we are expected to look. Not to mention remarks towards my hair, how I did not know how to take care of the curly mass on top of my head, my crooked teeth which needed a lot of money invested into because I did not win the genetic lottery on that front, the fact I didn't wear makeup either, and that I wasn't "girly enough" since I hated more feminine clothing anyways and was almost always wearing guys t-shirts. But what's funny is that despite all the judgment I got from my own mother, not once did she even help me in any of these departments (except the teeth; boy did my parents have to dish out the change on that, but that was a whole medical issue, not really cosmetics) and later in life it dawned on me that she never helped me and just bullied me all the time because I was a reflection of what she couldn't actually do herself. She couldn't bother to teach me how to do makeup or care properly for my curly hair or even find clothes that fitted properly because she didn't know how to do it herself. I ended up having to teach myself ALL of those things, plus how to eat better, and I have a lot more confidence now than I ever did as a kid/teen. Gaining confidence and being happy with yourself and reflecting that with your hair, makeup, clothing, etc. is the biggest middle-finger flex you can have towards anyone that has judged you wrongly otherwise.
getting drunk and just enjoying some music and relaxing and lowkey called her out on facebook in front of all her friends which im sure I'll regret when sober but makes me feel better right now lol
I'm sorry Loyal. Please don't kick yourself for seeking out comfort though. It's normal to seek it out from your parents, especially your mom because we expect our mothers to be, well, motherly. It's hard having a torn relationship with any parent. They're supposed to be the ones you look to and rely on emotionally and sometimes they're just not there. You wind up with a gap that doesn't seem like it can ever be filled and so you figure out ways to cope to help fill that gap. Some good, some not so good. Both of my parents were pretty emotionally absent growing up too. My parents were never the touchy-feely type and forget ever talking about your feelings too. Snide comments, yelling, talking about each other, and just being pissy were common occurrences in our house -- all fueled by my own mother. My dad wasn't innocent either, but he really just kept to himself and ignored everything, whereas my mother always expressed herself.My relationship with her has never been great really, she was quite emotionally and physically abusive as I was growing up so really it was a stupid choice on my part to go seeking comfort there. All its done is damage my emotional and mental wellbeing. Mine always made those kinds of comments too, really so many people just arent suited to being parents, they need to work on their own issues first
but tonight Im drinking my pain away
Welp, Immmmm bacccckkkk
and whoo boy has there been A LOT of changes since I was last in here, frankly Im not too sure where to even start so I guess I'll try and do a brief sum up of the last year...
So when we last left off I was living in half a garage, working retail at an office supply store, doing a bit of a self iomprovement journey which involved losing weight, going out and trying to meet people and just generally putting myself out there and trying to get my life together... Not long after I left here I reconnected with an old friend of mine, we started chatting a lot and then started hanging out. Then she asked if I was interested in getting a place with her and her son, and obviously I was ecstatic to leave the garage, so we got a place, unfortunately it was only a 6 month lease, and the place itself rather shoddy with a horrible real estate. But while living together, as a typical gay cliche, we started to catch feelings. Fast forward to now, we've moved again, and we've been dating (happily for a change lol) for about 7 months.
Its a big change from the toxic and abusive environment of my last relationship, so its been a quite different to what Im used to but it has definitely been a great change. I'm head over heels in love with a gorgeous woman and her (our) son, and thankfully she feels much the same about me and the two doggos that were the kids I brought to the relationship lol.
I quit officeworks a couple weeks ago at long last and have started working at the local animal shelter, I still volunteer weekly at the dingoes and still love it just as much as I did when I started, the shelter is harder in a few ways, emotionally and physically, but its working with animals so its been going well so far... Though I did already have to miss a shift coz I'd hurt my leg, somehow I pulled a groin muscle from doing about 28k steps at work apparently coz it seems I am aging rapidly
I havent been actively trying to lose weight since I moved out of the garage, but during that process I lost about 80kgs, so while I'm still a few kgs away from my goal, I'm at least in the healthy range now so Im hoping all the steps at work will help me shed the last bit and to tone up some.
Theres so much that happened in the last year that was intense at the time but just feels like a blur now, from flooding and one of my dogs biting the new landlord (not intentionally thankfully and the landlord was very understanding of the whole situation), to a rat infestation at the former place, my little brother turned 1, it feels like a lifetime ago since I was in here.
I was definitely in a much darker place when I was last here, and while my mental health is always going to be something I have to live with and learn to manage over time, Im definitely a lot happier and healthier in every way compared to how I was a year ago
Very glad to read that you are happier (as well as is possible in your situation) than you were a year ago, Loyal!
I would absolutely love to volunteer at our local animal shelter, if I wasn't allergic to flea bites and didn't have complications of SA making that impossible for me.
its definitely much nicer on this end of the past decade really 