Still trying to process the news. In short that woman that I mentioned a few months back, well around xmas she and my father officially started dating, then a couple weeks later she moved in. Things had been going ok, though part of me remains wary, things had been going ok. Now she's pregnant. They found out yesterday, its 6 weeks along.
I've been an only child, so to learn of a new sibling is weird enough let alone an almost 32 year age gap. Like Im gonna be near 50 when the kid is 18, thats a weird and giant age gap between siblings. My dads gonna be in his 70s, and she's gonna be in her 60s. She also already has a daughter whose in her early twenties, what does that make her to me? Am I going from only child to a half sibling and a step sibling all of a sudden? I dont think I've ever known someone with such a big age gap in siblings, especially not when its been an only child and then decades later suddenly another child
I dont know how to react or feel about it. As I mentioned yesterday Im anxious and my brain is going a little wild over potential fall outs, from now that theres a baby on the way theres gonna be less money and I guarantee my dad isnt gonna end up building the granny flat, so Im gonna be stuck in this damned half a garage for gods only know how long. To my dogs are big and rough and what if he kicks me and my dogs out to make it more comfortable for when its toddling about. Living in this half a garage sucks, but if I lose this I'm literally looking at living in my car with the 3 dogs coz I cant afford to rent, and even if I could nowhere rents to big dogs. So the risk to my living situation, in addition to the abandonment issues flaring up are the biggest bits worrying me right now I think. But my brain is finding all possible issues it can to dwell on. Like I've got time, it's a couple years before its toddling about so I have a bit of time. But also havent had any success so far in getting employed so what if Im stuck in the same shitty financial situation and it could just all end so shittily for me.
Then theres also the niggling point that it reminds me how much it isnt a thing that is also happening for me personally any time soon, like theres a good chance I cant even conceive at all and so lately I've been feeling the whole biological clock ticking coz after 35 is meant to become risky and harder and its gonna be hard enough with my pcos issues. So a little part of me is jealous as well as the whole insecure and anxious and abandonment issues bullshit.
I dont even know where to begin to be a sister. Like I wanted siblings as a kid but this age gap is so weird its like im some weird aunt or something.
Not to mention I know its selfish and shitty of me to think this, but I've pretty much always been poor, so the fact that my dad owns this house means that for the last couple of years I've felt like I had a safety net of when he died I'd have a house so I'd be ok. Now its only half mine, and I've lost that security, plus he was never ok with the whole gay thing so what if I get into a future relationship with a girl and he cuts me out of his life again like he did last time. Now that he'll have another kid he could easily cut me out and remove me from the will. I know Im stressing out about all sorts of possible things that may never happen, but my brain is just latching onto every negative possibility and every awkwardness to it and Im just feeling so overwhelmed and lost and conflicted.
My dad has always wanted more kids, so I've gotta put on a supportive face for him, especially to make sure I get to keep living here, but Im scared of the fallout, of all the potential shitty things that could happen, of how much this could just screw me over. It has me both afraid that I'll be kicked out of this half a garage, and that I'll never get out of this half a garage.
I know theres a chance that it could be a good thing and things could all work out- but my luck in life generally hasnt followed that type of pattern. Plus its better to prepare for the worst as opposed to go in happy and hopeful and get blindsided.
Uncertainty about how to survive the future gets really draining.
(Kidding of course!)