Loyal's Thoughts

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
Oh I thought of one more mostly good thing that came up (its good but the wait is sucky). My mother was supposed to be buying me a tattoo for xmas last year, but delayed coz finances and then he was booked out. But we finally have the booking in for August where I'll be getting 2 new tattoos which is quite exciting even if the wait means its like 8 months late
 

Miserum

Well-known member
Cmn Hospitals Hello GIF by Children's Miracle Network Hospitals - Find &  Share on GIPHY
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
Been a while since I updated in here, mostly been lurking and reacting to posts lately coz just havent had the spoons to post.

Tonight I went to the local smashlab, it was a birthday present from my friends and it was tons of fun. The premise is pretty much you put on safety gear and go into a room and just smash stuff (cups, plates, various breakable bits and pieces). It sounds weird but its a lot of fun, I bought a bat and used it a couple times so it'd be slightly worn.

The week prior for one of their birthdays I booked us all in to do this escape room esque experience. Its very similar to an escape room but instead of being in a room you drive to several nearby locations and solve clues/puzzles/etc within a time limit to win (we did manage to win, we got the 2nd fastest time actually)

In a couple weeks it'll be Winterfest, one of the medieval faires that we go to, Im quite excited for it coz last year got cancelled and I really miss the faires.

My bank account hates me, and my savings are pretty much gone with these last few splurges, but its been a good time which I've really needed coz things have been feeling heavy again, but these little outings with my friends, along with our usual dnd nights have been the glue holding me together. Add in my dogs and thats what makes life livable and keeps me going when everything else feels like its crushing me and weighing me down
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
I've always wanted to go to a smashlab thing. I feel like it would help me feel so much better and release some of this pent up anger I'm still freaking carrying over the last several years. Therapy, who needs that? Let's just break some shit. 😂 (Kidding of course!)
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
I got some news today. I dont quite know how to process it, its only been about an hour so maybe I'll know how I feel about it more tomorrow.

Its news I've been told not to share around, and while I dont think anyone in my life knows of this forum or my account on it I'm wary of posting the news. But at the same time I want to talk about it and figure out how I feel about it, my anxiety wants to panic about it, my depression and abandonment issues also wanna go haywire over it, part of me is panicking because this majorly impacts my future and selfishly Im worried about how much it impacts what I'd inherit (which isnt much realistically but as someone living below the poverty line its a lot). On the other hand its something I kinda wanted when I was growing up, but at the same time Im 31 now so its a big difference between happening then and happening now. Also it reminds me how much it isnt a thing that is also happening for me personally any time soon, its someone else's thing which is impacting me.

I dont know how to react to it, and Im not meant to tell anyone so I cant even talk it out with anyone so Im just alternating between spiraling and numbing over. I think I'll end up telling a friend online, coz theres no real way of it getting back to anyone else, and I just need to work through it a little to begin to process it
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
Still trying to process the news. In short that woman that I mentioned a few months back, well around xmas she and my father officially started dating, then a couple weeks later she moved in. Things had been going ok, though part of me remains wary, things had been going ok. Now she's pregnant. They found out yesterday, its 6 weeks along.

I've been an only child, so to learn of a new sibling is weird enough let alone an almost 32 year age gap. Like Im gonna be near 50 when the kid is 18, thats a weird and giant age gap between siblings. My dads gonna be in his 70s, and she's gonna be in her 60s. She also already has a daughter whose in her early twenties, what does that make her to me? Am I going from only child to a half sibling and a step sibling all of a sudden? I dont think I've ever known someone with such a big age gap in siblings, especially not when its been an only child and then decades later suddenly another child

I dont know how to react or feel about it. As I mentioned yesterday Im anxious and my brain is going a little wild over potential fall outs, from now that theres a baby on the way theres gonna be less money and I guarantee my dad isnt gonna end up building the granny flat, so Im gonna be stuck in this damned half a garage for gods only know how long. To my dogs are big and rough and what if he kicks me and my dogs out to make it more comfortable for when its toddling about. Living in this half a garage sucks, but if I lose this I'm literally looking at living in my car with the 3 dogs coz I cant afford to rent, and even if I could nowhere rents to big dogs. So the risk to my living situation, in addition to the abandonment issues flaring up are the biggest bits worrying me right now I think. But my brain is finding all possible issues it can to dwell on. Like I've got time, it's a couple years before its toddling about so I have a bit of time. But also havent had any success so far in getting employed so what if Im stuck in the same shitty financial situation and it could just all end so shittily for me.

Then theres also the niggling point that it reminds me how much it isnt a thing that is also happening for me personally any time soon, like theres a good chance I cant even conceive at all and so lately I've been feeling the whole biological clock ticking coz after 35 is meant to become risky and harder and its gonna be hard enough with my pcos issues. So a little part of me is jealous as well as the whole insecure and anxious and abandonment issues bullshit.

I dont even know where to begin to be a sister. Like I wanted siblings as a kid but this age gap is so weird its like im some weird aunt or something.

Not to mention I know its selfish and shitty of me to think this, but I've pretty much always been poor, so the fact that my dad owns this house means that for the last couple of years I've felt like I had a safety net of when he died I'd have a house so I'd be ok. Now its only half mine, and I've lost that security, plus he was never ok with the whole gay thing so what if I get into a future relationship with a girl and he cuts me out of his life again like he did last time. Now that he'll have another kid he could easily cut me out and remove me from the will. I know Im stressing out about all sorts of possible things that may never happen, but my brain is just latching onto every negative possibility and every awkwardness to it and Im just feeling so overwhelmed and lost and conflicted.

My dad has always wanted more kids, so I've gotta put on a supportive face for him, especially to make sure I get to keep living here, but Im scared of the fallout, of all the potential shitty things that could happen, of how much this could just screw me over. It has me both afraid that I'll be kicked out of this half a garage, and that I'll never get out of this half a garage.

I know theres a chance that it could be a good thing and things could all work out- but my luck in life generally hasnt followed that type of pattern. Plus its better to prepare for the worst as opposed to go in happy and hopeful and get blindsided.
 
That's a tough situation. :( Uncertainty about how to survive the future gets really draining.

Different country, but I have a better-than-free rent (income-based subsidy) in a no-pets-allowed complex where plenty of people have large dogs because they have a note from their doctor saying a pet is good for their emotional health. Maybe, hopefully there are more possibilities for you than are immediately apparent.
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
That's a tough situation. :( Uncertainty about how to survive the future gets really draining.

Different country, but I have a better-than-free rent (income-based subsidy) in a no-pets-allowed complex where plenty of people have large dogs because they have a note from their doctor saying a pet is good for their emotional health. Maybe, hopefully there are more possibilities for you than are immediately apparent.

Yeah if things go bad, and maybe before that as a bit of preparation just in case, I'll look into what my options are in case there is some supportive services or useful options out there
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
I don't feel like your worries are out of place. If I were in your position I would be having all the same concerns too. It's so hard having that uncertainty of the future. 🙁

Not sure what options there are in Australia, but there has to be something similar to here in the States like Hoth mentioned. Income-based housing can be a good option for those with lower incomes. Unfortunately in some areas, there are sometimes waiting lists for these things too. And many of these places definitely don't allow pets. I know here in the States it's catching on more to have doctor's notes for support animals, so that may be an option too in Australia? Even if you couldn't take all your dogs with you, do you have anyone you know that's responsible and caring enough that could take in your dogs and you could visit them regularly if it had to come to that?

Not sure if you're already doing this, but last summer when I was unemployed I opened up a PayPal account and sorted through my stuff and sold a handful of things on eBay just to get rid of it and make some money since I wasn't (and couldn't) getting any unemployment benefits. It wasn't much, but it was something. (Unfortunately I had a medical situation where I had to suddenly drop a few hundred on my goats and that's where the money went so I didn't get to save it for as long as I wanted to, but it was a small safety net.)

I hope whatever happens, works out for you Loyal. 🤞
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
I don't feel like your worries are out of place. If I were in your position I would be having all the same concerns too. It's so hard having that uncertainty of the future. 🙁

Not sure what options there are in Australia, but there has to be something similar to here in the States like Hoth mentioned. Income-based housing can be a good option for those with lower incomes. Unfortunately in some areas, there are sometimes waiting lists for these things too. And many of these places definitely don't allow pets. I know here in the States it's catching on more to have doctor's notes for support animals, so that may be an option too in Australia? Even if you couldn't take all your dogs with you, do you have anyone you know that's responsible and caring enough that could take in your dogs and you could visit them regularly if it had to come to that?

Not sure if you're already doing this, but last summer when I was unemployed I opened up a PayPal account and sorted through my stuff and sold a handful of things on eBay just to get rid of it and make some money since I wasn't (and couldn't) getting any unemployment benefits. It wasn't much, but it was something. (Unfortunately I had a medical situation where I had to suddenly drop a few hundred on my goats and that's where the money went so I didn't get to save it for as long as I wanted to, but it was a small safety net.)

I hope whatever happens, works out for you Loyal. 🤞

We do have government housing options, and pets are allowed in them, but the waiting lists are well over a decade in a lot of places, when I last checked in this area the waiting list was 12 years for emergency and 16 for the regular waiting list. I used to be on the list but I transferred my area to where I used to live and actually had a place through it, but had to give it up coz things were just falling apart in life hence I moved back to this region and into this garage. I could put my name back on the list but it feels pointless given that its surely only gotten longer with more people needing it and very few housing options being added to it. Not taking my dogs with me wouldnt work, aside from not having someone I could have take care of them, being apart from them would break me. They're what keep me going.

As for the doctors notes, unless its a proper registered service animal they dont have to honor it, it can help if the person is sympathetic but otherwise it holds no power. Though there was a thing recently in which landlords cannot refuse an application based on them having pets (but how is that enforceable coz they could just say I preferred this applicant over that one, it had nothing to do with the pets). Im not sure if thats in my state though, it was a while ago that I read up on it and I cant remember the specifics so I'll have to check it again.

I did the whole selling off my things when I moved down here a few years back, at this point Im not wanting to sell any of my things, and really dont have much that'd be worth anything that I'd be willing to part with. I am on government benefits though so I have enough money to keep the dogs fed, its just very tight with everything else and any big expenses become a serious problem. We had a covid bonus payment thing for ages so I had a taste of financial stability for a good chunk of last year, and even had some savings built up. But they got decimated with xmas and car rego/repairs and vet bills and general needs like that, so the tight income is chafing more than it used to because I had a taste of stability.
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
found out today that I didnt get a job that I was really hoping for. I didnt realize just how much I was hoping to get it til I got the email saying I was unsuccessful. It really gets very demoralizing when I apply for so many jobs every week and if I do hear back its pretty much only rejections, aside from a rare interview which is then followed by a rejection. Like damn just give me a chance, I know my resume isnt great coz theres a big gap when my whole life fell apart, but if they'd just give me a chance I know I could do the damn job
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
About a week and a half ago or so my doc sent me for an eye test, and I learnt that I need glasses. They texted me today to say they are ready to be picked up, I'll try and go tomorrow before they close, otherwise on Monday I'll go. I didnt expect to need glasses prior to the test, but since then all I've been able to notice is how bad my vision actually is. It'll be interesting to see the world in clarity for a change. I wonder how much easier it'll make photography, I did wonder why I had such trouble with the manual focusing 😅

 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
I picked up my new glasses today, I'm actually quite liking the frames. It feels weird wearing them and it's really quite a surprise to learn how blurry my eyesight was and I just didn't realize it 😅
Ill upload pics of my frames shortly. Apparently the phone pics are too large for the site 🙃
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
Cute! I'm overdue for an eye checkup. I'll be going next month. Hoping to get new glasses too. I like the frames I have now, but they're so bent even being only 4 years old. :LOL: Yeah you really don't know how bad your eyesight is until you wear glasses or contacts for a while and then take them off. I literally cannot see anything but blurriness when I don't have my glasses or contacts. It's pretty bad. 😩
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
On a positive note, only a week and a day away until

if the covid spike thats threatening to occur causes Winterfest to get cancelled I will weep 😅 Its been so long since I got to go to a medieval faire coz of the damn plague and the irony of it doesnt make it any easier to bear
Welp Winterfest has been postponed.

This damn covid spike has us one step away from a lockdown again, I wont be surprised if we're back in lockdown in a couple days.

To make it worse I havent had dnd in two and a half weeks and now with the potential lockdown it may be a couple weeks or more before I get to go to dnd.

 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
One of my dogs started a fight with the other two today. They hadnt fought at all in a couple years and things had been going so well. Now though Im all stressed and anxious that their tiffs are gonna start back up again and it'll mean I have to give one of them up. Im thinking this occurred because its been so wet and cold so theyve mostly been inside and have a lot of pent up energy, and Alagaesia was getting annoyed that I said no more pats coz I wanted to try to sleep, then Arya tried to squeeze past her and she snapped. And they are both reactive so one snap and a scuffle breaks out. Then after I upended a bucket of water on them they separated and a few minutes later Alagaesia had a snap at Saphira too because Saphira was trynna sniff her to see if she was ok. Saphira has a superficial wound to the leg, and Alagaesia has a couple scratches on her face, but both of those im gonna try and tend to myself first coz I really cant afford a vet visit right now if I can avoid it.

Emotionally Im a mess, it stresses me out so much when this happens, especially coz my brain always latches onto the worst possible outcomes and so its panicking over a potential loss of one of my dogs, or even god forbid two of them. I know its not at that point, and this couldve just been a bad day and things will go back to how theyve been the last couple of years . But I was already in a rough place mentally lately so this is just really dangling me on the edge of a break down. It doesnt help that that fight broke out when I was just about to go to bed so then after it I was too strung out and stressed to sleep, then when I calmed enough to sleep I was too anxious to lie down in case it happened again so I just dozed on my desk again. Im so tired of shitty broken sleep in general, now this added stressor I'm gonna end up too stressed to sleep in my bed for at least the next few days.

Add into that we're officially on lockdown again for the next two weeks and I just feel like im trapped and suffocating in here.
 
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