Loyal's Thoughts

[Phoenixx]

Do you have a decent sized yard where you live? Is there any chance you can help them work off some energy by having a good play session with all of them, each with their own toys and rewarding everyone with lots of yummy treats, maybe help relieve some of that tension?

Dog fights are so scary, especially when bigger dogs are involved. I'm still traumatized by what happened between our two back in the fall. I hope you never have to get rid of any of your dogs. Unfortunately for our case, there was no repairing the tension between what happened between our beagle and GSD. Our beagle was just too old, and her cognitive function and attention just wasn't there anymore, causing her to be afraid all the time and eventually lash out entirely. I hate that I missed the signs, I still kick myself for it, but I didn't know. Cognitive decline in dogs is nothing to take lightly and now I know better. Fortunately she's doing pretty well staying with my in-laws being an only dog.

 

[F0AM]

Loyal, your dogs' names are awesome

 

[LoyalXenite]

Do you have a decent sized yard where you live? Is there any chance you can help them work off some energy by having a good play session with all of them, each with their own toys and rewarding everyone with lots of yummy treats, maybe help relieve some of that tension?

Dog fights are so scary, especially when bigger dogs are involved. I'm still traumatized by what happened between our two back in the fall. I hope you never have to get rid of any of your dogs. Unfortunately for our case, there was no repairing the tension between what happened between our beagle and GSD. Our beagle was just too old, and her cognitive function and attention just wasn't there anymore, causing her to be afraid all the time and eventually lash out entirely. I hate that I missed the signs, I still kick myself for it, but I didn't know. Cognitive decline in dogs is nothing to take lightly and now I know better. Fortunately she's doing pretty well staying with my in-laws being an only dog.

We do have a good sized yard, but its been so cold and raining a lot lately so they havent been going out (the door is always open for them to come and go as they please, but they preferred to stay in where its dry and under the blankets). Normally thats a good option but this weather has made it so muddy and cold and wet.

Im hoping this is like it was a couple years ago, just a little spat that doesnt reoccur, or at least is a very rare, every couple years a little spat type of thing. I'll be vigilant in keeping an eye on them again and when the weather permits I'll have them outside burning off some excess energy. Hopefully things will go ok from here, Im also trying not to openly stress about it too much coz I know they'd pick up on that tension and it would make them tense too.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Loyal, your dogs' names are awesome

Thank you, people tend to think I pick weird names but I love them

 

[LoyalXenite]

So far the dogs have been ok, but I've been hyper vigilant in watching their body language whenever they are near each other and have been trying to just praise them for interacting nicely, or distracting them when one is wanting to sniff the others' face and the other is trying to sleep. Its only been two days though so Im not getting my hopes up atm, I'll probably be hyper vigilant for the next few weeks.

I'm still feeling very strung out and stressed over it all, and likely will for the next few weeks until it looks like things are stable and back to normal again.

I'm also enquiring at prices for local dog walkers, I cant afford it on any kind of regular basis, but I might be able to do a once off thing for now and then a once a month thing maybe pending my finances. Dog walkers are quite pricey, especially when its not just for the one dog. So far the cheapest quote I've gotten (and likely to be the cheapest overall) has been $55 for all 3 for one hour, the rest are over $75 an hour for the three. I wish I could find an option of paying a smaller fee to use a fenced off field or something like that, where they can have a huge open space to run in, but fenced in for their safety, but not like a dog park where there are other dogs and the risk of reactive issues. Or if I just had someone that could help me walk them. I used to be able to walk them no problem but then I had some health issues rise up and then my anxiety really picked up, especially with them being reactive, and it got to the point where walking them alone just doesnt work.

I love them all dearly but having 3, especially 3 big ones, is so hard sometimes, and this is one of those times. Frankly if I'd known I'd end up single and living in half a garage I would have only gotten 1. But when I got them I was engaged and living in a 3 bedroom house with a good backyard so it was easier then.

I'm really struggling with feeling like Im just not doing right by them, because they dont get walked with my issues, and we have little indoor space I just feel like I'm letting them down. They deserve so much better than I am giving them. I've struggled with these feelings since living in the garage and especially since I stopped taking them out to the beach and such. But its weighing extra heavily on me after the fight the other day.

It really frustrates me how much money could fix a lot of the issues I have, not all of them obviously, but a good chunk of my issues and my subsequent anxieties and stresses as a result of those issues would be solved or greatly reduced if I could just win the lotto Too bad I never enter the lotto coz its too expensive to risk wasting money on

 

[F0AM]

over $75 an hour for the three.

With that price they should take you too

 

[F0AM]

Me: *I look at my Steam wishlist*
Me: So many games, how could i afford them all?

Steam:

 

[LoyalXenite]

So far the cheapest option has been $55, and none of them have been a walk them with me option which is what I would prefer because I've never had anyone take my dogs before and the thought of it makes me really anxious - which I know is ridiculous because I've only been looking at services that come recommended by local dog owners and have good reviews.

The whole situation seems to be going ok enough still, I'm still on hyper vigilant mode and not getting any kind of decent sleep which is starting to really wear me down. I got a stress nosebleed yesterday and today I just feel ill.

I keep playing these soothing music for dog videos on youtube, like 15 hour long ones. I dont even know if they help but I just need to feel like Im doing something more than just being on edge constantly.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Guess who managed to get another stress nosebleeeeed

Havent been able to fall asleep either so Im just sitting here beyond tired with a damn tissue shoved up my nose

 

[LoyalXenite]

If I dont start feeling better I'm gonna have to go to the doctors.
Yesterday I had 3 stress nosebleeds, today I've had a migraine that resulted in a few hours of vomiting and a nosebleed while vomiting, add in the minimal sleep, and when I do sleep its very broken and usually just at my desk.. Im not in great shape right now.

Things with the dogs seem to be back to normal at least, though Im still on high alert.

On a more positive note, coz I really need some positivity, I think I've finally processed the pregnancy news, and while part of me is still anxious about how it could play out for me, Im actually also a little excited for it.

 

[Phoenixx]

Sad face about your health. Hope you feel better soon! Glad to see you thinking positively about the news. I do hope everything works out there too.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Been rather all over the place mental health wise lately. The stress of that dog fight really did some damage to my mental state. I'd started getting 4 to 5 nosebleeds everyday, but the last 4 or 5 days I've finally stopped getting nosebleeds. So I guess I'm a little less stressed about it? I've stayed on guard and made sure the dogs have been giving each other space and avoiding situations that could cause a fight. So there hasnt been any more scuffles since the incident. But this also means I havent been sleeping well coz thats where the fight broke out. So I've taken to just napping on the dog bed on the floor like some weirdo when I want to sleep at night, and then when the sun is up and the dogs are more active outside I go to my actual bed for a few more hours. The dog bed on the floor is actually a childs cot mattress so its not uncomfortable, but it is short and so my legs hang off the mattress from my knees down. I've also had that dog relaxation music playing whenever Im not actively watching something. I dont know if it helps really but it makes me feel like Im doing something. Plus a few times its been enough for them to keep sleeping and not notice some irrelevant noise outside so maybe it does work a bit.. I dont know..

Another thing messing with my mental health is that we're still on lockdown, its at least until the end of the month, but the numbers arent dropping so its likely going to continue at least until mid August, but possibly until September or even October. Aside from the general weight a lockdown is on the mental health, it means Im not getting my weekly dnd mental health reset which is really taking a toll on me. We play on discord but its so much shorter and just not the same. Its better than not playing but I just dont feel like I usually do after it. Not to mention this means my tattoo appointment is going to end up postponed again (for those that dont recall this was the tattoo I was meant to get for xmas last year but it just kept getting delayed coz of covid and stuff), and the medieval faires will probably get cancelled until next year which will mean 3 years since I last went to one thanks to covid.

Lockdown is also not helping on the job search front and so financial stress is weighing on me as usual. I've had a couple zoom and phone interviews in the last couple days so maybe things will turn around there. I really hope it does. In the very least I need to get my car fixed, and I'd really like to have someone help walk my dogs. I emailed a couple options about that but then lockdown hit and they stopped replying to me so I dont know whats happening there.

I got my first covid jab. Technically Im still not eligible but my mother knew the lady in charge at the hospital so when she was getting hers she managed to get me in too. I get my second jab next week. I hope that soon the lockdown rules will allow for vaccinated people to visit each other because then I could still see some people, but I dont know if they'll end up doing that.

My father's been talking about these changes he wants to make in his house, including a kitchen renovation and stuff like that.. It makes it feel like the granny flat idea is getting even further away and Im just going to be stuck in this half a garage for years to come. Lockdown isnt helping this trapped sensation either. Part of me just really needs to run away for a bit, I havent the money for it anyway even if we werent in lockdown. If I could though I'd do a little camping trip and just be in nature for a few days and have a nice mental health reset.

I also finally had that specialist appointment. I really thought he was gonna tell me I did have ADHD and then give me medication and I'd finally be able to make myself clean and do all the odd jobs and whatnot that I have and things would start working out for my and I'd get my life together.. But he ended up saying he didnt think it was adhd, its just the anxiety/depression/bpd/my poor sleep/sleep apnea/ aka all of my already diagnosed issues that are the problem. A lot of them have similar symptoms and so adhd meds wont help me and could potentially be bad for me. He's given me a script for a new antidepressant so maybe that'll help. Its the generic version of Luvox, has anyone tried it? He also wants me to work on the sleeping/weight loss/ go back into therapy and dbt. Problem is I wanted to do all that too but was hoping the adhd meds would be what helped with a lot of the barriers to all that. We'll see what happens.. Cost me $110 just for that one appointment though so Im glad the follow up is with my regular GP.

I've been feeling really just overwhelmed with life, I havent had any focus or motivation so Im really struggling to do anything, even things I'd usually enjoy. Guess its a sign my depression has kicked up a notch. Thats part of why I havent posted on here much. I just havent had the spoons for it. I'd come on a couple times intending to but just didnt have it in me to catch up on posts or type any of my own.

Next week or the week after we'll be finding out the sex of the baby, any guesses for what it'll be? Im hoping its a boy coz Catherine already has a daughter, and dad obviously has me, so this way they both will have a girl and a boy. Part of me is looking forward to it coz babies are cute (I like em til they start to talk back lol) and coz Im just so lonely at the moment it'll be nice to have a little buddy

 

[LoyalXenite]

 

[LoyalXenite]

I didnt take the new meds today, last night I had some heart palpitations and then its happened again a few times tonight. I've never had them before so Im assuming its from the meds. They're freaking me out a bit which isnt helping calm the heart rate. I've downloaded an app to track my heart rate and I've made an appointment with my doctor for tomorrow to ask for her advice. I've just gotta try and keep my cool until then. Its a horrible sensation so I do hope it goes away soon

 

[Phoenixx]

I also finally had that specialist appointment. I really thought he was gonna tell me I did have ADHD and then give me medication and I'd finally be able to make myself clean and do all the odd jobs and whatnot that I have and things would start working out for my and I'd get my life together.. But he ended up saying he didnt think it was adhd, its just the anxiety/depression/bpd/my poor sleep/sleep apnea/ aka all of my already diagnosed issues that are the problem. A lot of them have similar symptoms and so adhd meds wont help me and could potentially be bad for me. He's given me a script for a new antidepressant so maybe that'll help. Its the generic version of Luvox, has anyone tried it? He also wants me to work on the sleeping/weight loss/ go back into therapy and dbt. Problem is I wanted to do all that too but was hoping the adhd meds would be what helped with a lot of the barriers to all that. We'll see what happens.. Cost me $110 just for that one appointment though so Im glad the follow up is with my regular GP.

I have been debating on going back to therapy myself because even since I've been officially diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and social anxiety, I feel like there's still something missing. I know my last therapist inquired about ADD regarding my general lack of focus but other fixations, but never made any moves to actually try to diagnose me. I didn't care for how quickly my last experience ended either. It's like I was just tossed away when I was actually doing well. Anyone with any sort of idea of how treatments work -- medication or otherwise -- know you don't just stop just when it starts going good because the relapse is terrible and that's where I feel I've been. In a relapse. I hope this new medication works well for you, although I know you've been experiencing side effects already. Hope your GP can figure out what's going on. Maybe you just need a smaller dose? I really am not sure how antidepressants and similar medications work exactly. I want to do more research because I've been considering talking to my doctor about my anxiety and starting medication as well.

I've been feeling really just overwhelmed with life, I havent had any focus or motivation so Im really struggling to do anything, even things I'd usually enjoy. Guess its a sign my depression has kicked up a notch. Thats part of why I havent posted on here much. I just havent had the spoons for it. I'd come on a couple times intending to but just didnt have it in me to catch up on posts or type any of my own.

Next week or the week after we'll be finding out the sex of the baby, any guesses for what it'll be? Im hoping its a boy coz Catherine already has a daughter, and dad obviously has me, so this way they both will have a girl and a boy. Part of me is looking forward to it coz babies are cute (I like em til they start to talk back lol) and coz Im just so lonely at the moment it'll be nice to have a little buddy

Sorry with how you've been feeling. I've been feeling very similarly lately. Hope things get better for you. I know going through lockdown makes it worse. I'm glad you're looking forward to your new little sibling!

 

[LoyalXenite]

I have been debating on going back to therapy myself because even since I've been officially diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and social anxiety, I feel like there's still something missing. I know my last therapist inquired about ADD regarding my general lack of focus but other fixations, but never made any moves to actually try to diagnose me. I didn't care for how quickly my last experience ended either. It's like I was just tossed away when I was actually doing well. Anyone with any sort of idea of how treatments work -- medication or otherwise -- know you don't just stop just when it starts going good because the relapse is terrible and that's where I feel I've been. In a relapse. I hope this new medication works well for you, although I know you've been experiencing side effects already. Hope your GP can figure out what's going on. Maybe you just need a smaller dose? I really am not sure how antidepressants and similar medications work exactly. I want to do more research because I've been considering talking to my doctor about my anxiety and starting medication as well.


Sorry with how you've been feeling. I've been feeling very similarly lately. Hope things get better for you. I know going through lockdown makes it worse. I'm glad you're looking forward to your new little sibling!

My gp advised to stop taking it and to contact the specialist again. But honestly I cant afford to see him again any time soon so I just sent him an email. We'll see what happens when he replies. I havent had any issues since early this morning so Im assuming its all out of my system by now since I was only 3 days into taking it. But that definitely indicates that it was the cause as well.

I hope things get better for you too, its really shitty when everything is just weighing down on you

 

[LoyalXenite]

So the specialist wants me to keep taking the medication, he thinks its not so much the meds causing the palpitations but more a case of the meds amping up my anxiety issues and thats causing the palpitations. But he wants me to push through it coz it should then calm the anxiety down. He wants me to try it for a week to ten days and then see how the palpitations are. Its not going to be a pleasant adjustment but I hope it works.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Lockdown got extended for another month so Im definitely ended up postponing the tattoo appointment again. It annoys me so much coz we couldve had the numbers down and the spike over with like 3 weeks ago at least if they'd made a strict hard lockdown and people were actually obeying it

On the flip side I got my second Pfizer jab today so Im fully vaccinated

 

[LoyalXenite]

So I just got a job offer. I've sent in my reply with most of the forms filled out but one form isnt letting me fill it out to Im hoping its a case of having to do it by paper instead. I'll see what they reply with. Once they respond and I get an employee ID I'll then have to do some online modules and then there'll be an in store orientation type of thing. Then I'll get my first shift. Its a casual position and I dont know how many hours I'll get. But its a start towards getting my life back on track.

The job itself is a night shift which works better for me coz Im generally up at night anyway, and the dogs will just sleep through it while Im gone. The position is pretty much filling out online orders. So I'll go around the store collecting items for an order, boxing it up and preparing it to be sent off. From the interview it sounds like I'll have to do 500 orders a night which sounds like a lot but I'll see how I go. The first few weeks are gonna be day shift so I can learn the role, then I'll be on nightshift. Its about 20 minutes from my house which is pretty decent.

 

[Phoenixx]

Congrats on the job offer! I'm glad it'll be something that will work for you even though it's just a casual position. Good luck!