Looking back in Anger.

LookingForward

Well-known member
Mini blogs seem to be the new fashion so I thought I'd give it a go and see what kind of journey it takes me on. Maybe it will help me to keep track of myself and organise my thoughts.
Suppose the customary starting point is to say where I am...
I was married for a while but am now separated as of a few months back. The last few months have been the worst of my life, I’ve been through more pain than I care to describe and I know there is a lot more to come, I’m surfing a rare small crest of contentment at the moment which is enabling me to write this without breaking down into complete self-contempt.
I guess reading everyone else’s comments and thoughts here I can probably say with a little confidence that I am probably one of the more experienced one’s here, I’m only in my thirties but I’ve been in a number of relationships, I’ve been married, I have a child, I’ve travelled the world, I have a very successful job, I live alone in a penthouse apartment in a nice area. But I can tell everyone here with absolute confidence that I would give up everything I have and everything I have achieved to have someone put their arm around me at night and tell me they loved me for exactly who I am.
I’ve had severe SA all my life but never knew what it was until recently, my marriage break-up was the final catalyst that forced me to seek the answers that I’ve always tried to avoid. I have been close to giving up lately but I’m just not that type, I have a fighting spirit. I definitely think the reason for my inner strength and fight is because I have lived so long without actually knowing I had a specific issue, I mean I knew I was very different, but I always thought that the reason I found life so difficult was just because life in general was difficult, and because I have been fighting hard to get on with my life for so long it has just become normal to me now. I think if I had known a long time ago that it was a tangible error within the chemical balances of my mind, I probably would have given up the fight and settled into a life in isolation.
The main reason I am writing this is because after a lot of inner conflict lately between my fighting side and my giving up side I’ve come to a decision. I want to get busy living. When I look back over my life I am very proud of the many things I have achieved but they are all very much over shadowed by the many wonderful things I have let slip by un-tasted because of my fears. I don’t want that list to grow any longer. I don’t want to look back in later life and see a life wasted and a life I could have had if I had just pushed myself. I know what my problems are now and therefore I have no reason to fear them, they are just me after all. There is a world out there filled with beauty, love and fascination and I want to experience it all, I don’t care anymore if I have to do it alone, I don’t care if it frightens me, I don’t care if I feel embarrassed in situations where I look like an idiot. None of these things are worthy reasons for me to deny myself the beauty of experiences that surround me every day. I guess this is my manifesto. I will live my life and nothing is going to stop me. Yes, I will feel pain. Yes, I will feel fear but I will never again let the burning flame of regret enter my life…
And this is my advice to all the younger ones here, don’t leave it too late. Do everything you can every day to change yourself and the way you think. Even if it is the smallest change every day, just cancelling out one negative thought, it all adds up; it all takes you a step closer to whatever your goals are.
 
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Section_31

Well-known member
Good Advice LookingForward....I especially heed it, as im recently married (september 17th of this year) and both my wife and I struggle with SA.

All i can say is im so sorry about whats happened in your personal life. I really wish i had somthing inspiring and uplifting to say but ive really never been good at that, except i guess to say things are hard before they get easy...but thats sort of a cliche.

If yuo ever need to vent, look me up. I feel for you.
 

LookingForward

Well-known member
Good Advice LookingForward....I especially heed it, as im recently married (september 17th of this year) and both my wife and I struggle with SA.

Congratulations my friend, I wish you two all the happiness in the world. I think you are one of the lucky ones, you've found someone who understands you and someone whom you understand. I guess thats what you call soul-mates, I have no doubt you guys are in for a very long and happy life together... :)
 

MollyBeGood

Well-known member
Wow. Looking Forward, I have to say you have some serious wisdom and insight and it was great to read about you. I too am older than most here and tried to never give my personality a label of a "disorder" because I just wanted to keep fighting and not give up, not give in to it being some sort of problem.
You have accomplished a lot from the sounds of it and I completely understand how you feel, everything you said struck a chord...
Wishing you the best of luck in whatever you do.
You are an asset to all people here. Take care now.
 

LookingForward

Well-known member
MountainGirl: So nice to hear someone can relate, it means a lot, thank you. and hey next you are going hiking call me and I'll bring my two little westies along to meet your doggie :)

Kiwong: You are one of my inspirations, if I could achieve half of what you have I would be a very VERY proud man...

Pacific: Thank you so much, knowing I'm not alone in my thoughts and dreams always means a lot to me...

Bluedays: So happy you liked it and thank you, and I wish you to never see another blue day again... :)
 

3lefts

Well-known member
I like everything you said :)
Very much so, it's difficult to apply but that's just the fight.
I hope all goes well and you find somebody that loves you, for you soon. Shouldn't be too difficult, you seem like a really good person.
 

LookingForward

Well-known member
I like everything you said :)
Very much so, it's difficult to apply but that's just the fight.
I hope all goes well and you find somebody that loves you, for you soon. Shouldn't be too difficult, you seem like a really good person.

Thanks 3L, have read a lot of your posts, always love your opinions.
 

LookingForward

Well-known member
Been a funny week or so, I've been trying hard to push myself harder and further each day on my quest to reach the holy grail of a feeling of normalcy.
I'm feeling a small seed of confidence and optimism growing inside me and truly believe that it is this place that is feeding and nurturing that growth. I'm hopeful that in time it will blossom into something that will make me feel more like the man I've always wanted to be.
Before knowing this place and knowing that SA existed, I don't think I would have had the strength to pick myself up; the loneliness of feeling like I was the only one in the world with this issue would have swallowed me up. The words, wisdom and kindness of the people here have thought me that I am not remotely as odd as I thought, I'm a little different but these differences can be adjusted and overcome. In fact I'm probably more in tune and empathetic than most normal people and I consider that a good thing.
I've been going out every day whether I really want to or not. I think that is my biggest hurdle, forcing myself to do the things that my scared mind is telling me not to. It would be so easy for me to just sit back comfortably and let life drift by silently, but my conscience isn't silent, it constantly lets me know that being empty is not good enough, that I have to live.
Thankfully it's been easy lately to have little chats with strangers along the way, we have two feet of snow here and that’s all anyone is talking about. The truth of it is that being out and having those little encounters has made me feel a lot better, I'm finding it easier each time, I'm almost craving the attention and company of strangers, which is a very weird and foreign feeling to me.
But I noticed the biggest difference in me a couple of days ago. My (ex)wife and daughter were over at my place, we were going to go to a park to play for a while. I was having a shower before we went; as I finished the shower my daughter ran into the room looking for me quickly followed by her mother who was trying to stop her. They left and I continued to dress. When I went into the kitchen my ex started saying things like how amazing my body looked (been working out a lot lately) and how she thinks about sex every time she’s near me even though she is beginning to see someone else. This continued throughout the day and culminated in her telling me she thought we should try again. Normally I would have jumped on that concept without hesitation, I need love and crave love and it would have been so easy to convince myself that I could find it with her. But she is a very social person and it would be a constant struggle for me to keep up with that and it would undoubtedly end in failure again, so I declined.
Without what I have learned about myself here and the confidence and self-worth that has given me, I would have jumped back into that doomed relationship without hesitation. I feel a new me beginning to grow, I finally feel a little like my avatar, a phoenix rising from the ashes of my troubled life.
 
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Snowdrop

Well-known member
Hey LookingForward, I have to say I found your thread such an inspiration. I'm glad things are working out for you now. Your story has really given me a reminder of my current situation, that no one is in control of my life apart from myself. I hope your words can help others on here too :)
 

Pacific_Loner

Pirate from the North Pole
That is truly awesome. I wish I could steal a bit of this optimism, mine died 2 months ago
Don't let it happen to yours ..!
 

LookingForward

Well-known member
Hey LookingForward, I have to say I found your thread such an inspiration. I'm glad things are working out for you now. Your story has really given me a reminder of my current situation, that no one is in control of my life apart from myself. I hope your words can help others on here too :)

Glad I could help Snowdrop, I think it's important for us to remember that we are the only ones who can shape our lives, no one else can do it for us...
 

LookingForward

Well-known member
That is truly awesome. I wish I could steal a bit of this optimism, mine died 2 months ago
Don't let it happen to yours ..!

Your optimism isn't dead Pacific, just dormant and needs to be re-awakened somehow, keep positive, life is a rollercoaster, just hang on tight for the next crest. In the meantime you can borrow as much of my optimism as you like... ;)
 

Darryl

Well-known member
. This continued throughout the day and culminated in her telling me she thought we should try again. Normally I would have jumped on that concept without hesitation said:
I have walked the same path and sometime ago made a conscious decission to finally find me and be-able to stand on my two feet unaided by AvPD.

I know you wouldn't of taken this lighten as it would of pulled on your heart strings to rekindle your marriage, so I feel your pain but applaude your strength.

Like you I see it's better to have full control over this thing to have any chance of a normal life, otherwise you've had a break got back together and haven't solved the problem.

This choice shows me that your ready for change, and by following it through you will improve the quality of your life and finally being comfortable with who you are.

You'll find as I did you'll become a better father being more stable and a lot happy in any relationship that follows.

damn quotey thing didn't work:eek::confused::)
 

Rembrandt Broam

Well-known member
But I noticed the biggest difference in me a couple of days ago. My (ex)wife and daughter were over at my place, we were going to go to a park to play for a while. I was having a shower before we went; as I finished the shower my daughter ran into the room looking for me quickly followed by her mother who was trying to stop her. They left and I continued to dress. When I went into the kitchen my ex started saying things like how amazing my body looked (been working out a lot lately) and how she thinks about sex every time she’s near me even though she is beginning to see someone else. This continued throughout the day and culminated in her telling me she thought we should try again. Normally I would have jumped on that concept without hesitation, I need love and crave love and it would have been so easy to convince myself that I could find it with her. But she is a very social person and it would be a constant struggle for me to keep up with that and it would undoubtedly end in failure again, so I declined.

Was the disparity in your levels of sociability the only (or major) factor in your breakup? I ask because if that was the case then would it not be possible for the two of you to reach some compromise: her understanding your discomfort in social situations and perhaps doing some of the more social-oriented activities on her own, and you pushing yourself just a little further outside your comfort zone to the point where the two of meet somewhere in the middle?

Obviously you know your relationship best, but I just think that SA/SP has such a negative effect on many of our lives that it would be a terrible shame for it to ruin a relationship that was otherwise sound.
 

LookingForward

Well-known member
I have walked the same path and sometime ago made a conscious decission to finally find me and be-able to stand on my two feet unaided by AvPD.

I know you wouldn't of taken this lighten as it would of pulled on your heart strings to rekindle your marriage, so I feel your pain but applaude your strength.

Like you I see it's better to have full control over this thing to have any chance of a normal life, otherwise you've had a break got back together and haven't solved the problem.

This choice shows me that your ready for change, and by following it through you will improve the quality of your life and finally being comfortable with who you are.

You'll find as I did you'll become a better father being more stable and a lot happy in any relationship that follows.

damn quotey thing didn't work:eek::confused::)

Thanks Darryl, wise words. I agree, the only way I am going to have any sort of happy life is to find completely who I am and learn to be happy with that person, then I can build on that. No doubt it will be a long road but one I'm determined to travel...
 

LookingForward

Well-known member
Was the disparity in your levels of sociability the only (or major) factor in your breakup? I ask because if that was the case then would it not be possible for the two of you to reach some compromise: her understanding your discomfort in social situations and perhaps doing some of the more social-oriented activities on her own, and you pushing yourself just a little further outside your comfort zone to the point where the two of meet somewhere in the middle?

Obviously you know your relationship best, but I just think that SA/SP has such a negative effect on many of our lives that it would be a terrible shame for it to ruin a relationship that was otherwise sound.

Yeah, the different levels of our sociability would be the biggest influence on our breakup, the problem is that it starts to spread into all aspects of the relationship and everything begins to deteriorate. I definitely think it was the right decision; it is possible for two people to love each other very much but be completely incompatible. It would just be too much pressure on both of us, too much compromising on both sides to try and make it work, it is best to end it here before we start to resent or hate each other.
 
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