LookingForward
Well-known member
Mini blogs seem to be the new fashion so I thought I'd give it a go and see what kind of journey it takes me on. Maybe it will help me to keep track of myself and organise my thoughts.
Suppose the customary starting point is to say where I am...
I was married for a while but am now separated as of a few months back. The last few months have been the worst of my life, I’ve been through more pain than I care to describe and I know there is a lot more to come, I’m surfing a rare small crest of contentment at the moment which is enabling me to write this without breaking down into complete self-contempt.
I guess reading everyone else’s comments and thoughts here I can probably say with a little confidence that I am probably one of the more experienced one’s here, I’m only in my thirties but I’ve been in a number of relationships, I’ve been married, I have a child, I’ve travelled the world, I have a very successful job, I live alone in a penthouse apartment in a nice area. But I can tell everyone here with absolute confidence that I would give up everything I have and everything I have achieved to have someone put their arm around me at night and tell me they loved me for exactly who I am.
I’ve had severe SA all my life but never knew what it was until recently, my marriage break-up was the final catalyst that forced me to seek the answers that I’ve always tried to avoid. I have been close to giving up lately but I’m just not that type, I have a fighting spirit. I definitely think the reason for my inner strength and fight is because I have lived so long without actually knowing I had a specific issue, I mean I knew I was very different, but I always thought that the reason I found life so difficult was just because life in general was difficult, and because I have been fighting hard to get on with my life for so long it has just become normal to me now. I think if I had known a long time ago that it was a tangible error within the chemical balances of my mind, I probably would have given up the fight and settled into a life in isolation.
The main reason I am writing this is because after a lot of inner conflict lately between my fighting side and my giving up side I’ve come to a decision. I want to get busy living. When I look back over my life I am very proud of the many things I have achieved but they are all very much over shadowed by the many wonderful things I have let slip by un-tasted because of my fears. I don’t want that list to grow any longer. I don’t want to look back in later life and see a life wasted and a life I could have had if I had just pushed myself. I know what my problems are now and therefore I have no reason to fear them, they are just me after all. There is a world out there filled with beauty, love and fascination and I want to experience it all, I don’t care anymore if I have to do it alone, I don’t care if it frightens me, I don’t care if I feel embarrassed in situations where I look like an idiot. None of these things are worthy reasons for me to deny myself the beauty of experiences that surround me every day. I guess this is my manifesto. I will live my life and nothing is going to stop me. Yes, I will feel pain. Yes, I will feel fear but I will never again let the burning flame of regret enter my life…
And this is my advice to all the younger ones here, don’t leave it too late. Do everything you can every day to change yourself and the way you think. Even if it is the smallest change every day, just cancelling out one negative thought, it all adds up; it all takes you a step closer to whatever your goals are.
Suppose the customary starting point is to say where I am...
I was married for a while but am now separated as of a few months back. The last few months have been the worst of my life, I’ve been through more pain than I care to describe and I know there is a lot more to come, I’m surfing a rare small crest of contentment at the moment which is enabling me to write this without breaking down into complete self-contempt.
I guess reading everyone else’s comments and thoughts here I can probably say with a little confidence that I am probably one of the more experienced one’s here, I’m only in my thirties but I’ve been in a number of relationships, I’ve been married, I have a child, I’ve travelled the world, I have a very successful job, I live alone in a penthouse apartment in a nice area. But I can tell everyone here with absolute confidence that I would give up everything I have and everything I have achieved to have someone put their arm around me at night and tell me they loved me for exactly who I am.
I’ve had severe SA all my life but never knew what it was until recently, my marriage break-up was the final catalyst that forced me to seek the answers that I’ve always tried to avoid. I have been close to giving up lately but I’m just not that type, I have a fighting spirit. I definitely think the reason for my inner strength and fight is because I have lived so long without actually knowing I had a specific issue, I mean I knew I was very different, but I always thought that the reason I found life so difficult was just because life in general was difficult, and because I have been fighting hard to get on with my life for so long it has just become normal to me now. I think if I had known a long time ago that it was a tangible error within the chemical balances of my mind, I probably would have given up the fight and settled into a life in isolation.
The main reason I am writing this is because after a lot of inner conflict lately between my fighting side and my giving up side I’ve come to a decision. I want to get busy living. When I look back over my life I am very proud of the many things I have achieved but they are all very much over shadowed by the many wonderful things I have let slip by un-tasted because of my fears. I don’t want that list to grow any longer. I don’t want to look back in later life and see a life wasted and a life I could have had if I had just pushed myself. I know what my problems are now and therefore I have no reason to fear them, they are just me after all. There is a world out there filled with beauty, love and fascination and I want to experience it all, I don’t care anymore if I have to do it alone, I don’t care if it frightens me, I don’t care if I feel embarrassed in situations where I look like an idiot. None of these things are worthy reasons for me to deny myself the beauty of experiences that surround me every day. I guess this is my manifesto. I will live my life and nothing is going to stop me. Yes, I will feel pain. Yes, I will feel fear but I will never again let the burning flame of regret enter my life…
And this is my advice to all the younger ones here, don’t leave it too late. Do everything you can every day to change yourself and the way you think. Even if it is the smallest change every day, just cancelling out one negative thought, it all adds up; it all takes you a step closer to whatever your goals are.
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