Phoenixx
Well-known member
I've been wanting to do one of these for a while now, only because I've been finding myself reverting back to old ways of bottling up all my thoughts and emotions, where they can just eat at me for days on end instead. Because that's really healthy, you know?
In the past I always used to take to my old Tumblr, but I really hate logging in there anymore, so I'm going to try this out instead.
I've been hanging onto a lot of anger again lately. Or rather it all started out as one annoyance after another that has just festered into a handful of frustrations that keeps eating at me.
My mother hasn't been doing good healthwise this month. I'm now starting to really worry about her. I should be seeing her today, she wanted to come over to my house to just get out of hers and excuse herself to help out with what's been piling up here. I'm letting her. It'll raise her spirits even if she does manage to throw some passive-aggressive comments my way while being here. Her new medication has been a living hell and she's still on a driving ban from the doctor. She's been having other issues now too, requested some bloodwork done, and her doctor didn't even order it. I told her she needs to start demanding until they actually do something, otherwise find a different doctor. I don't understand her doctor sometimes, he drags his feet on some things with her and it makes me mad. He knows her extensive health history and the red flags, you would think he would be a little more proactive when certain issues arise.
I wish she would help herself more, and I wish she would take my advice. I don't understand parents who still look at their children like children and not like functioning mature adults. I've always been in this situation and it's frustrating. She would benefit greatly, and I would be relieved too, if she would apply for disability housing of some sort, divorce my father, start living on her own but not without a pet. And I just thought today how much she would probably benefit from a support animal, trained specifically for epileptic individuals and handicapped individuals. I know this all sounds simple, but the process is much more difficult than that. I know it would be hard to get all of those things, but if we would be proactive I bet it could happen. But I need to let this go, because it won't ever happen. Instead what will probably happen is both will wind up getting hurt one way or another at some time or another right at their home -- that imo is no longer even safe for my mother's disabilities -- that will eventually lead to their death. You know the horror stories you hear of elderly folk falling in their home and then succumbing to their injuries later on? That's literally what I'm afraid will happen to both of my parents, moreso my mother than my father. But yet there's not a single thing that they'll do to even help themselves or attempt to. That's what makes me so mad. It's like they expect that it's our (my brother and I -- but really let's be honest it'll fall to me) duty to care for them indefinitely. Like that's the reason why you have kids, so they can care for you when you're old and make terrible health choices along the way that leads to your very illness. Selfish thinking, imo.
Of course my father hasn't been around for what's been happening with my mother healthwise or paying attention. Just been off to work as always. My brother's been working too, but he's apparently been helping out a little, taking her to stores to get groceries, etc. He still could be doing more though. Like actually buying groceries, or actually helping around the house. Lazy men in my family, I don't get it. Hard to believe I'm related to any of these people.
On top of that I've been struggling to keep up with the usual errands around the house and our little farm. I know this was Mr. Phoenixx and I's decision, but it was meant to be teamwork. Lately it's just been me doing everything while Mr. Phoenixx is a slave to his job for up to 80 hours a week (that includes commute time) and is only working on his shop project for the last month. I get that it needed to be done, we set aside money specifically for this, but I'm just aggravated that it's been the only thing that he's been working on here, because that's all he has time for. His job is so demanding, it sucks and I really wish he would find another job closer, even if it meant taking a bit of a pay cut. But he won't. Everything else has been falling to me, plus on top of working 50+ hours lately, I'm exhausted all the time. I feel myself breaking from the stress and I can't really handle it anymore. I've been trying to tell myself to just get major things done and don't sweat the rest, but it's hard. My in-laws have been over every single weekend straight for the past month to help him that's also been triggering me. They're judgmental people. Also very traditional people. No one's said it, but I know I've been expected to make a lunch every weekend they're here. They're usually outside working in the morning, while I'm here until the afternoon before leaving for work, but in that time I'm usually trying to catch up on little errands I can, getting ready for work, and taking a little breather somewhere in there. There were a couple weekend days I did help out and made stuff, but other than that I haven't made anything else because I refuse to. I'm not a maid service, I'm not a personal chef just because I'm a woman. Fuck those old-fashioned sexist expectations. I grew up with that and put an end to it as soon as I moved out of my parent's house. Thankfully Mr. Phoenixx doesn't expect this of me either, but it's frustrating to have in-laws like this. I know they've probably frowned on me not playing housewife, but that's their problem. Should've brought food, otherwise head 15 mins into town and grab something somewhere.
Because this month hasn't been fun enough, I woke up super early this morning quite suddenly. I didn't know why, but something didn't feel right. I looked at my phone and Mr. Phoenixx had just texted me (I have my phone on silent at night put under my pillow, so I definitely didn't hear or feel it go off) that he hit a deer on his way to work this morning. He's okay, but his van isn't. It was somehow still driveable so he actually just continued going to work after filing his insurance claim and police report. I offered to come get him, but he was over an hour away from home and already going to work at the time. Honestly I'm not even mad about this. I was expecting something like this to happen to one of us this week because animals have been running all over early morning and late at night because of the heat during the day. Guess my expectations were right, just sucks it had to have been him.
So much for paying off student loans in the next month. Between this and the payment for the project I don't want to take out too much money at once and I also don't want to dip into our savings. So I'll probably end up pushing my student loans back again for another month or two. I really want to get them paid off before September though because that's when the federal forbearance ends and student loans will resume their usual monthly interest rates and expected payments.
So yeah, that's been my month lately. I'm freaking exhausted. I'm tired of everyone and everything and hopefully next month will be better. I'm not holding my breath though.
In the past I always used to take to my old Tumblr, but I really hate logging in there anymore, so I'm going to try this out instead.
I've been hanging onto a lot of anger again lately. Or rather it all started out as one annoyance after another that has just festered into a handful of frustrations that keeps eating at me.
My mother hasn't been doing good healthwise this month. I'm now starting to really worry about her. I should be seeing her today, she wanted to come over to my house to just get out of hers and excuse herself to help out with what's been piling up here. I'm letting her. It'll raise her spirits even if she does manage to throw some passive-aggressive comments my way while being here. Her new medication has been a living hell and she's still on a driving ban from the doctor. She's been having other issues now too, requested some bloodwork done, and her doctor didn't even order it. I told her she needs to start demanding until they actually do something, otherwise find a different doctor. I don't understand her doctor sometimes, he drags his feet on some things with her and it makes me mad. He knows her extensive health history and the red flags, you would think he would be a little more proactive when certain issues arise.
I wish she would help herself more, and I wish she would take my advice. I don't understand parents who still look at their children like children and not like functioning mature adults. I've always been in this situation and it's frustrating. She would benefit greatly, and I would be relieved too, if she would apply for disability housing of some sort, divorce my father, start living on her own but not without a pet. And I just thought today how much she would probably benefit from a support animal, trained specifically for epileptic individuals and handicapped individuals. I know this all sounds simple, but the process is much more difficult than that. I know it would be hard to get all of those things, but if we would be proactive I bet it could happen. But I need to let this go, because it won't ever happen. Instead what will probably happen is both will wind up getting hurt one way or another at some time or another right at their home -- that imo is no longer even safe for my mother's disabilities -- that will eventually lead to their death. You know the horror stories you hear of elderly folk falling in their home and then succumbing to their injuries later on? That's literally what I'm afraid will happen to both of my parents, moreso my mother than my father. But yet there's not a single thing that they'll do to even help themselves or attempt to. That's what makes me so mad. It's like they expect that it's our (my brother and I -- but really let's be honest it'll fall to me) duty to care for them indefinitely. Like that's the reason why you have kids, so they can care for you when you're old and make terrible health choices along the way that leads to your very illness. Selfish thinking, imo.
Of course my father hasn't been around for what's been happening with my mother healthwise or paying attention. Just been off to work as always. My brother's been working too, but he's apparently been helping out a little, taking her to stores to get groceries, etc. He still could be doing more though. Like actually buying groceries, or actually helping around the house. Lazy men in my family, I don't get it. Hard to believe I'm related to any of these people.
On top of that I've been struggling to keep up with the usual errands around the house and our little farm. I know this was Mr. Phoenixx and I's decision, but it was meant to be teamwork. Lately it's just been me doing everything while Mr. Phoenixx is a slave to his job for up to 80 hours a week (that includes commute time) and is only working on his shop project for the last month. I get that it needed to be done, we set aside money specifically for this, but I'm just aggravated that it's been the only thing that he's been working on here, because that's all he has time for. His job is so demanding, it sucks and I really wish he would find another job closer, even if it meant taking a bit of a pay cut. But he won't. Everything else has been falling to me, plus on top of working 50+ hours lately, I'm exhausted all the time. I feel myself breaking from the stress and I can't really handle it anymore. I've been trying to tell myself to just get major things done and don't sweat the rest, but it's hard. My in-laws have been over every single weekend straight for the past month to help him that's also been triggering me. They're judgmental people. Also very traditional people. No one's said it, but I know I've been expected to make a lunch every weekend they're here. They're usually outside working in the morning, while I'm here until the afternoon before leaving for work, but in that time I'm usually trying to catch up on little errands I can, getting ready for work, and taking a little breather somewhere in there. There were a couple weekend days I did help out and made stuff, but other than that I haven't made anything else because I refuse to. I'm not a maid service, I'm not a personal chef just because I'm a woman. Fuck those old-fashioned sexist expectations. I grew up with that and put an end to it as soon as I moved out of my parent's house. Thankfully Mr. Phoenixx doesn't expect this of me either, but it's frustrating to have in-laws like this. I know they've probably frowned on me not playing housewife, but that's their problem. Should've brought food, otherwise head 15 mins into town and grab something somewhere.
Because this month hasn't been fun enough, I woke up super early this morning quite suddenly. I didn't know why, but something didn't feel right. I looked at my phone and Mr. Phoenixx had just texted me (I have my phone on silent at night put under my pillow, so I definitely didn't hear or feel it go off) that he hit a deer on his way to work this morning. He's okay, but his van isn't. It was somehow still driveable so he actually just continued going to work after filing his insurance claim and police report. I offered to come get him, but he was over an hour away from home and already going to work at the time. Honestly I'm not even mad about this. I was expecting something like this to happen to one of us this week because animals have been running all over early morning and late at night because of the heat during the day. Guess my expectations were right, just sucks it had to have been him.
So much for paying off student loans in the next month. Between this and the payment for the project I don't want to take out too much money at once and I also don't want to dip into our savings. So I'll probably end up pushing my student loans back again for another month or two. I really want to get them paid off before September though because that's when the federal forbearance ends and student loans will resume their usual monthly interest rates and expected payments.
So yeah, that's been my month lately. I'm freaking exhausted. I'm tired of everyone and everything and hopefully next month will be better. I'm not holding my breath though.
), and we ended up not doing it. 
His commute is insane and I think he's insane for sticking with it. But I also realize this career was already set before we ever had a life together, and he's worked so hard to be where he is now. He gets paid well. Money means a lot to him since he didn't have much growing up. I get it. Again, it just sucks I never see him and have to pull both of our weights to make up for his absence. 
) 
) Sunday we're still going to the state park I want to visit and having the day to ourselves. Friday I will be very much enjoying my alone time and catching up on things as usual.