Life Ramblings

[Phoenixx]

I'm feeling a lot better today than I have all week. It's Friday, I have plans to take a day trip tomorrow and explore new things, and I get to spend time with Mr. Phoenixx. Life will be good this weekend.

I also received a package yesterday I have been eagerly awaiting for all year! Last summer I backed a Kickstarter for one of my favorite webcomics and purchased the first 2 volumes. Due to COVID and reoccurring lockdowns, production got delayed several times which evidently delayed shipping too. But it's finally here! And since the Kickstarter raised so much money, I got a whole bunch of goodies as an added bonus!
(Only thing not pictured is the 6 slightly NSFW bookmarks that also got added. No I didn't order them, but I'm definitely not complaining. )

The coworker I hate working with (that I thankfully don't have to work with yet, just interact with for a half hour between shift changeover) that always talks so condescendingly towards me talked to me last night. Apparently I've been leaving work for her to do. I didn't know. I get so focused on the major things that need to be done that I didn't realize I was leaving little things. She told me not to even bother doing any paperwork until my work is done. I was under the impression it HAD to be done regardless, but I guess that's not the case. "I don't want you to do any of the crosschecks or calibrations or any of that paperwork until you finish your bottles. Because you know, we have to get all our work done first." I don't fucking get it. I don't fucking understand why people need to talk to me like this.

Last night I ended up working with one of my forepersons. I don't get to work with her often, as she only works in the lab when there's coverage needed and no one else can do it, but I really like working with her. She's around my age, super friendly and easy to talk to, so I felt I could easily confide in her over what happened. I had anxiety all day yesterday all because of this stupid occurrence. I feel dumb for letting my emotions get to me, but I also have to remind myself that I'm still in a very new environment learning new things everyday, including the social culture -- which by far is so much harder for me to figure out than running any sort of equipment, tests, or logging any kind of data into numerous programs and Excel sheets. The setting is unlike anything I've ever worked in and given my history of working in places with shit management where coworkers have to fend for themselves, I shouldn't kick myself for feeling the way I do: scared, anxious, upset, and pissed off.

I first went about the conversation asking about doing certain things prior to shift changeover, because I was under the impression certain things absolutely had to get done, but that wasn't the case. She then further asked me if someone had talked to me about it and I told her what happened. She was pretty surprised and asked me if any past situations happened with said coworker and if any of these things happened in front of another foreperson or anyone else. I told her she's always talked to me alone and she has continuously been condescending towards me because of how I believe she feels towards me being on 2nd shift and her on 3rd shift. (Long story short: Apparently she was supposed to have my shift; according to her she got brushed over purely for me and her seniority should've been a deciding factor. It doesn't make sense and my foreperson also said that there was another reason for sure why my supervisor chose me for this shift when I asked if it was still available. I have a feeling it's because of 1) my background in quality control and 2) quick learning capabilities) She reminded me that I should never feel afraid to open up to her or anyone else in her role if I ever have a problem. What that coworker said was uncalled for and she told me she should have never said anything of the sort to me at all. Anything she feels I'm doing wrong or has a problem with should never be brought up to me, but to a supervisor so the supervisor can sit down and have a talk. And here, when they say talk, they actually talk. I'm used to getting shit on when things don't go right or if I make a mistake. I'm so used to being reprimanded that I'm always scared and get upset if I do something wrong. Not here. If someone screws up, it becomes a learning point and people get talked to about what they did wrong and how to correct it and make it right. I'm definitely not used to that culture and I often forget that's how it is here. Since I haven't interacted with management often, I overlooked their approach to things and I assumed the worst in this situation. (Thanks anxiety) I'm extremely thankful having such great management in my place of work and I'm going to remind myself to not be afraid to speak up anymore. From here on out I'm just going to worry about my work and nothing else. As long as my stuff is done, I'm in good standing. She can't complain if something doesn't get done that's technically carrying over into her shift.

I told my foreman not to tell my supervisor yet though, who's currently on vacation. I want to play this out and see if this coworker says anything else towards me. Guaranteed she will, but I'm going to let it build up. Now that I know I have someone else on my side, I want to see where this will go and just play the game. I did think about channeling my inner Jim Halpert and doing small stupid things that might piss her off -- like putting her bumpcap on the highest shelf in the cupboard (no one would know it was me, I'm the shortest one there. ) so she has to go way in the back in the storage room to get the small ladder in order to reach it or placing her gloves in a new location in the cupboard every day. I might still do that every so often, heh.


P.S. - With my anxiety the way it's been recently and for the past year, I'm seriously considering scheduling an appointment with my doctor to look into starting medication. I haven't fully decided how I want to go about this, whether I want to go back into therapy or not as well. I'm still going to think about it further and I want to research medications to ask about if I do go see my doctor.

 

[Phoenixx]

This week has already started to make me grumpy and it's only Thursday. I had a really good weekend and I hate that I won't get another 3-day weekend until the beginning of September. But it is what it is. We at least have new hires starting in the next 2 weeks, so a lot of the overtime we're all working will be put to rest soon. I'm at least looking forward to that because the 12-hour days that I'm getting scheduled to work once to twice a week are getting old.

I had my last scheduled check-in meeting with my supervisor yesterday. I ended up telling her about the situation that happened last week. I felt bad that I originally didn't want to tell her, because I'm not used to management actually acting like management. I have never worked in a place with professional management, ever. It's sad that's how it is most of the time, for most people, but whatever. She's going to talk to this coworker sometime. I'm just nervous because either 1) this coworker will retaliate or 2) she's going to lie to her face and deny everything I reported. I did tell my supervisor she only acts like this with me and only me, with no one else around. So she's aware of her bully behavior. But still. Why do I have to deal with this shit? Why am I always a target? I don't even do anything except pay attention to myself and whatever I need to do.

I know I've never been the most confident person. I know that makes me a target too. Insecure people LOVE to pick out the "weakest link" so to speak and target them repeatedly to make themselves feel better. And what's sad is that I just can't bring myself to really stand up for myself anymore. I've been feeling like my high school self all over again this past year plus. It's sad, it's pathetic, but I can't seem to bring myself out of it. I don't know how. It's so aggravating. This lack of confidence is linked to the continuing depression that is still plaguing me off and on which is also linked to the constant anxiety I feel every single day. I feel like I'm moving backwards with my personal self and I really hate it, but I can't seem to know how to change. In a way I feel lost within myself and have for a long time now.

Before I moved and worked at my last major manufacturing job, I felt like I had it all, although I was dealing with a lot of frustrations with that job. I had people that looked up to me and confided in me, I had friends I got to see a few times a month and I worked with 2 friends every day. I lost all that when I moved because I was chasing other things and had other career and life goals to achieve. My life felt like it was coming to an end at my last place of residence, but a good end even though job-wise it didn't end where I wanted it to and left me pretty frustrated and hurt, but otherwise I came to terms with it.

Then I moved nearly 2 years ago and I haven't felt the same since. I've had to deal with my mother's health issues and take care of things when other people can't be bothered. The friends I have I barely see. Maybe once or twice a year? Other friends are busy being parents now, so I feel I have nothing in common with them anymore. The career I was chasing ended abruptly and I have cut ALL ties associated with the network I was building the 5 years I was in college. I really wanted to do something, either be a counselor or writer or something and also integrate my own creativity with cooking and food science and recipe development, regarding Complementary Medicine with combined Nutrition, without having to worry about paying out the arse for an additional internship and then maybe think about further education after dipping my feet in the field for a while. But no, that didn't happen.

I ended up really getting treated like shit by a person I held a professional relationship with for over 5 years. The person I wanted to mentor under, who routinely kept in touch and who literally told me she looked forward to working with me, wound up being THE WORST person I have ever worked for. She had zero tolerance for any mistake made. Any mistakes made were brought up in the moment, in front of clients. I actually got reprimanded twice by her in front of other clients for making simple mistakes -- like papers being stapled out of order. I was also forced to adhere to a supplement regimen that was overseen by her, then was reprimanded when I stopped taking them when I got sick. I started getting sick a couple months into working there and couldn't figure out why. It got to the point where my immune system was basically on hyperdrive and felt like I was having allergic reactions to everything, I had to start using my inhaler because it felt like my asthma was acting up, I was so chronically fatigued I had to drive home at night with the window down in the middle of winter to keep myself awake. The body pain and shaking started and that was it. I had to cut my hours because it hurt so bad to stand at a desk for just a few hours. I was sleeping 10+ hours a night and was still extremely exhausted. I went to my doctor twice over this and got into a rheumatologist who told me nothing. Had an entire blood panel done, everything was "normal" although on the low end of "normal." The pandemic hit and I got laid off from my job indefinitely. They didn't keep in touch with me about any updates, but I didn't care. It ended up being a blessing in a way because I started to feel better. I mean, I wasn't out of the woods and my health was still shit, but I didn't feel like I was struggling to breathe. I took my free time, right before everything shut down, and drove myself an hour east to a city I've never traveled to see a doctor specializing in autoimmune disorders. Before I had left my job, I started to become pretty observant of my surroundings while standing at a desk 90% of the day and noticed some cracks and gaps in the ceilings and walls of the building. One morning I arrived early to the office before anyone else and went upstairs to see the rest of the structure of the building. Wow, how shitty it was. I took pictures. I saved these pictures, documented all my symptoms, took pictures of every breakout I had on my body, and showed them to the doctor. I told her I thought I figured it out -- mold; either I'm allergic, I'm really sick from black mold, or I actually have an autoimmune disorder reacting to this. She listened to every word and told me, "I think you're right." She read over my bloodwork, looked me over, and we had a long 1.5 hour discussion. Still uncertain about the autoimmune, as sometimes they can be extremely hard to diagnose depending on the disorder (to this day I still think I have mast cell activation syndrome as it's the only thing that makes sense regarding my list of very random allergies and random breakouts/flushing; unfortunately it's extremely hard to diagnose, and if the numbers aren't there, then most doctors will write it off as it not being the case), but she referred me immediately to an immunologist that definitely confirmed my mold reactions. (I'm extremely allergic to pretty much all kinds, go figure.) I had testing done and I lit up like a Christmas tree. I followed up with her not long after that appointment and she basically told me that there was no way I could go back to work at my job. I was perfectly fine hearing that and I quit my job.

Even through all that frustration and being treated like shit, I couldn't even bring myself to tell that person off because I was scared of their response. It sounds so dumb. After all that, I also didn't have anything left in me to tell them off. In my head I wanted to yell at them, cuss them out for having such a literally toxic work environment and treating me like shit, but I couldn't. I told them I was pursuing other things and I was no longer going to work for them. I was expecting a retaliating response, but they were fine with it. That was it, not even an apology for how I was treated or asking how I was doing if I was still sick. Cue 8 months of deep depression and unemployment, I finally got that last manufacturing job 45 mins away last fall out of desperation to fill the gap in my resume. That was a shit workplace too, but at least I didn't get sick. I just ended up doing work that wasn't part of the job description, being held to expectations I didn't have, for measly pay. I was told off for "taking things too personally" when I had an issue with how something was said to me by my boss or coworker and then was blamed when equipment issues happened as if I didn't know what I was doing. In a way, I sometimes didn't know what I was doing because I was never trained properly. I had to fend for myself. When I left, once again I couldn't tell them the true reason why I was leaving -- management is abysmal and they need to do a better job with multiple things -- I just told them I was pursuing a lab tech job that looked really promising that paid more and I was really happy about it. They wished me luck and that was it.

Now since working where I am since April, I was hoping I could start feeling like myself again, but I just can't. All I want to do is work in the background. I keep to myself, I do my job. I don't really talk to anyone, unless someone strikes up an interesting conversation, then I'll talk. I've been getting better at asking for help, but I still prefer to just do it myself.

I don't know why I suddenly typed all of this. Well, yeah I do. It's still weighing on me after all this time and it's frustrating. I'm tired of ruminating over it. I'm tired of feeling so pathetic and anxious. But again, I don't know what to do for myself to make myself feel better, to find myself again really. I feel like talking to my doctor about taking a pill will make things better, but I don't know if it will. I just don't really know what to do with myself anymore, you know?

 

[Phoenixx]

I've spent this week on a bit of a mental and emotional rollercoaster. Partly due to PMS, but just still struggling with my emotional and mental health like I have been for the past year plus. I started looking into therapists again and made a list, but I still haven't bit the bullet to actually choose one and make an appointment to go. Part of me wonders if I should even bother. Will this time be any different than the last 3 times? Will I even allow myself to open up like I should or am I just going to stay in the same pattern of masking what's really wrong? Should I just opt to take a pill and hope it actually works? I really don't know what to do with myself honestly.

That seems to be the theme of my life for a while now. No idea what I'm doing. I've always been someone to be so sure of things. That once I decided on something, that was it. I'm not really an indecisive person. I just take a while researching each possible outcome until I land on a decision. And I stick with it. So this sense of loss I've been feeling is... unusual to me.

But instead of wallowing in this loss, I'm finding myself just going with it. I mean, yeah the depression is still there. The anxiety is still there. Every day feels empty and some days hurt. But I'm also starting to allow myself to think more freely and just do, instead of getting caught up in the doubts and guilt. Again, it's all still there, but I'm kinda just letting it happen and then go. If that makes sense. Like, I find I'm starting to not care about holding back on what I do or what I say. And I've had some baby steps this week I'm actually kind of proud of, and I feel I should give myself more credit for these little things.

Last week I subscribed to Disney+. Finally found a use for all the Google Play Credits I've been accumulating for the past year and decided to put it towards this subscription for a few months, and then I'll start paying for it myself. I'm impressed by all the animated series and movies and stuff that's on there, and even newer things too. I haven't delved into everything, but I did start watching Owl House. And man, am I enjoying it. I have not enjoyed a cartoon this much in probably 10 years.

When I get hooked onto an animated series, movie, or a great video game, I tend to want to draw. Today I picked up a pencil and opened my sketchbook for the first time in nearly 10 years. I didn't sit down long. About 15 mins tops and did a couple dumb sketches of Hooty and a sketch of Owlbert, just because. Also I love Hooty because he's so fucking annoying, so simple-minded, yet doesn't give a hoot (see what I did there? hehehe) about what other people think most of the time and says whatever he wants. I love it. He's hilarious and he makes me laugh every time. I need that in my life right now. Stupid funny crap. And while I was sketching, I was scrolling through Google Images at other Hooty sketches and scenes and just laughing at the one liners. I wasn't comparing my dumb 5 min sketches to other artists. I was having freaking fun. And the muscle memory is still there, partly. For not picking up a pencil in nearly 10 years, my dumb 5 min sketches didn't look too bad.

With my life right now, I don't know how often I can sit down and draw, but I find this is a huge deal for me and I really hope I can latch onto this and get back into art again. I really miss it.

On an additional note, and example of me not caring about holding back: Yesterday I had to deal with an extremely rude person at work that had stopped by for his usual delivery from the other company we work with (this guy works for this company, not us; just delivers what he needs to deliver). Everyone at work hates this guy because he is just so pompous and rude all the time. I have never seen this guy ever say something nice. Whenever we have people come in and I'm in the other lab, I have to take their temperature upon entry and then sign them in. This guy always tries to skirt it by peeking through the window and yelling at the person on the other side for his assigned number so he can sign in. Yesterday I immediately yelled at him back through the window, "No, you're coming up here so I can get your temperature!" He stomps up the steps and grumbles at me, "Nobody else does this!" I reply, "Well I'm not nobody and this is company policy." I took his temp and gave him his number and he left. When he came back later that night to sign out, he mocked me for not making conversation, because apparently I should've talked to him...? "What's the matter? Can't make conversation?" I told him I was tired and it was almost time to go home. He says, "Well, I want to go home too, but I still have 3 hours left! Then I get to get back up tomorrow and do it all over again! I bet you're not even out of bed yet by the time I get to work! Yep, I have to be in at 10am!" HA! XD I laughed at him and said, "Actually I get up around 7am because I have a small farm, even though I don't work until the afternoon. I have chickens, ducks, and goats to take care of, plus my other pets." He replies, "Oh." and shut right up. Ah, don't you love people who think they're better than everyone else? I was patting myself on the back on my way home last night for that one.

 

[PugofCrydee]

When I get hooked onto an animated series, movie, or a great video game, I tend to want to draw. Today I picked up a pencil and opened my sketchbook for the first time in nearly 10 years. I didn't sit down long. About 15 mins tops and did a couple dumb sketches of Hooty and a sketch of Owlbert, just because.

Care to share your sketch? I'd love to see it. I can't draw for crap but appreciate art in any form really

 

[Phoenixx]

It's been a shit weekend. I'm so burned out anymore that I feel like I can't function. I just can't keep doing this. I'm half tempted to call into work today because I feel so horrible, but I won't. It's my Friday so I have the next two days off. I can keep pretending everything's okay for the next 18 hours right?

The national forbearance on student loans got extended til end of January of next year, so I won't be paying off my loans next month like I planned. I'll most likely wait til first of next January to pay them all off, start the new year debt free. Because of this I bit the bullet and decided to get a brand new dishwasher. Except now it won't show up for a whole month because EVERYTHING is on back order. All appliances at all major stores. Most likely due to COVID and now with cases in Delta rising, it won't surprise me if it gets delayed and/or this nationwide shortage continues even further. Meanwhile, Mr. Phoenixx pulled out the old one and did a botch job doing so. Not entirely his fault, as the previous owners who installed it put it in so tight that the legs had to be cut off just to get it out. (I'm still clueless as to how it even got put in in the first place...?) And in the process of disconnecting and pulling it out of there, the plumbing under the sink shifted because it's so shoddy. Needs all new PVC come to find out. But for now it's put back together and held up with a strap. Why the hell is my house falling apart so much this year? I'm getting really sick of it.

So now I have piles upon piles of dishes to wash all by hand. By myself. For a month. Fucking kill me. I've already stocked up on paper plates and the likes, even though I hate it because I hate added waste, but it's something I have to do because neither one of us has time to do this shit.

So with all that going on I got into a huge argument with Mr. Phoenixx yesterday and has left me in an even worse mood than what I started out with yesterday. I'm just so fucking sick of it. My anger just won't subside. I can't take it anymore really. He's left doing things by himself for half a day on the weekends, since I'm here in the mornings til early afternoon on those weekend days I have to work, and he can tend to his hobbies. I'm left doing things by myself the whole damn week with maybe an hour to myself each day. All because of the demands of his job and his refusal to work closer to home or at least have a regular laborer schedule like his other coworkers. Some nights he doesn't come home until 9pm. There was one night a couple weeks ago I actually got to leave work an hour early and had to do chores in the dark at nearly 10pm because he wasn't home yet and I didn't even know. The dog was left in the backyard by herself for 8 hours straight. Not that she always minds because she loves the outdoors, but I would think she would've liked to be in her bed at that hour and actually eat her dinner.

If I saw an end date to all this bullshit, it would be a little different. But I don't. Summer time, traveling and doing what he does makes sense. Winter time with no change in schedule? It makes 100% NO GOD DAMN SENSE to be travelling nearly 3 hours in one direction in the middle of fucking winter in a northern state just to be a maintenance person! He did that all last winter, even during covid, even during my sickness. And he refuses to stay anywhere nearby even now because he thinks it's cheaper to waste the money on gas than to waste the money on staying elsewhere. I'm not doing this again this year. I can't. I already can't handle anything now, with his traveling for work and still insisting on coming home every day. Up to 6 hours total commuting a day. It's fucking ridiculous. It would honestly be easier on me if he didn't come home every day. I wouldn't have an extra person to constantly pick up after. I could arrange much easier for evening chores to be tended to by someone else while I'm at work. I wouldn't be worrying constantly on whether he's making it home okay with his lack of sleep. I personally think it would be easier on both of us, but he doesn't see it that way. I can't even convince him that this is going to catch up to him one of these days. I'm scared that he's going to fall asleep at the wheel or have some sort of accident at work because of his exhaustion. And when that happens, I'll be the one taking the brunt of the work, care, etc. yet again.

Where's someone to care about me?

 

[Phoenixx]

I called my doctor's office today and arranged an appointment for next Wednesday to discuss medication. I'm finally admitting to myself that I most likely need it, and I need to be clear to my doctor how I've been mentally for the past year. I know, no surprise. Everyone went down a deep hole with the pandemic, myself included.

It's so hard for me to be honest to myself about this though. Because it mostly has to do with my mother. I have vowed to myself since I was younger that I wouldn't be like her. I wouldn't treat my family the way she treated me, I wouldn't pent up all my feelings and I'd actually talk to my spouse about what's going on, I wouldn't make myself a victim constantly like she does and just take the initiative to solve my issues myself, I wouldn't worry about every little thing that's out of my control. And yet, ironically, by trying so hard to avoid doing any of these things, I'm falling into these same patterns. Partly because of biology. Because lo and behold, my glorious mother passed that down to me. Anxiety and anger getting out of control during my menstrual cycles, not talking about what's bothering me because I want to be able to feel good and have relaxing moments with Mr. Phoenixx, yet always feeling scared or worried about something. Even when I don't think something's bothering me, something is bothering me. I have had to pay really close attention to my thought patterns to recognize that hey, this is anxiety even though you're not panicking. For example, I randomly woke up at the buttcrack of dawn this morning and immediately my brain was all over the place. At one point I was thinking about my last meetup with a friend and how we were talking about my job and what I do, and I was going over the other scientific topics I could've possibly talked about and we could've really had a deep discussion. But I didn't, out of fear of sounding stupid or boring them. Which is silly, because this friend of mine is so incredibly smart and loves deep discussions and probably hates small talk as much as I do. But also this situation happened over a month ago. Over a month ago and I'm still worrying about how I came across.

Of course the brunt of the anxiety issues set in with my workload. Most days I can't complete everything I want to do, and it's frustrating because I know I can. On the extremely rare good days where I have literally zero anxiety (this happens maybe a few times a year), I get so much done I think to myself, "Why can't I have this motivation all the time?" But most days I can't ever get done everything that needs to be done because I'm so exhausted. Most mornings I struggle to get out of bed anymore. The main reason why I'm so exhausted all the time is because of my brain that never shuts off. Always jumping from one topic to another, relevant or not, always thinking or worrying about the next thing. It causes me to be extremely overwhelmed so easily -- especially with sensory overload; if there's too many things to look at or take in, I feel this buzzing in my head that doesn't stop until I'm in a quiet minimal room. If I can't get away, that's when the anger sets in, along with the tension headaches, every single time and I end up being a nasty person. I don't feel like myself at all, I feel like my mother. And I hate every second of it. That's why I feel I really should be on medication.

I've always had a fear of taking medication. Sounds dumb, but I'm an HSP who almost always experiences side effects even with simple medications. For example, if I have to take a benadryl, I always make sure I'm home and not planning on going anywhere because that knocks me out cold whenever I take it. Another example: several years ago I was prescribed Singulair when I was having really bad issues with allergic rhinitis and I ended up stopping it because I started getting the rare side effects >> brain fog, felt like a cloud over my head all the time, and I actually started having suicidal thoughts. After that last symptom I immediately stopped it because it scared me. I've always struggled with depression and of course I've had the thoughts of, "I wonder if anyone actually cares so much about me that they'd actually miss me if something happened?" But I've never full on had an intrusive thought of killing myself holding a sharp object or flinging my car into oncoming traffic while driving. Of course it was only last year the FDA started requiring those side effects to be listed as a black box warning for that specific medication. Makes you wonder how many other people suffered or actually went through with something like that while taking it.

So yeah, I'm nervous about possibly starting a new medication that's going to have to be a regular every day thing (which I'm also not good at, honestly. I'm going to have to be strict with myself on taking it), but I have a really good (looking ) attentive doctor so I'm going to make sure to do my research and come prepared with all sorts of questions and discuss all my symptoms and concerns.

 

[SoScared]

Switching up to 50 hours p/w week after week was always going to take its toll

 

[Phoenixx]

I'm not having a good week. Last Friday one of my goats suddenly wound up sick and I had to put her down yesterday. Spent all weekend giving her electrolytes and making sure she would eat, even just small amounts. When she didn't improve with that, I took out all the stops and gave her everything I had -- antibiotics, supplemental nutrients, the works. Given her condition and her immune system, even the most simple imbalances or infectious exposures can wreak havoc. (She had an underlying retrovirus that I didn't know she or her sister even had it when I got them over a year ago and was lied to about it; that's a whole other story I don't want to get into. Karma I think has already caught up to this person, I just wish she was suffering just a little bit more. I have zero respect for people who are ignorant of animals needs and don't care for them properly.) I really don't know what she caught, but I honestly think it was as simple as a bacterial infection/upset caused from external stressors (heat, had to be separated from her kids, etc.) that, in combination with an activated retrovirus, suddenly compromised her immune system to where there was practically no immune system.

I ended up calling off from work yesterday to take her into the vet when she wouldn't eat or drink or hardly stand. I was scheduled for a 12 hour long split shift, so I know I f-ed up a lot of people's schedules calling in, but this was an emergency. By the time I took her to the vet yesterday, it was too late and I just had her put down. No extra tests, nothing. There would be no point in trying to figure out what exactly it was that caused her to suddenly decline so quickly given the details above. The vet also agreed with me, thankfully I have a wonderful clinic I go to for them that knew of her condition. I was still afraid of them judging me for my decision and her condition, but they understood and knew I gave her everything I could. Retroviruses in animals are such touchy subjects, and I feel there's way too much judgment towards people that own any animals positive for any kind of retrovirus without knowing the full story. Yes, some people do not deserve to have special cases like these because 1) they don't know what they're doing, 2) they don't bother to know what they're doing, and 3) they become so god damn ignorant of their needs they figure "they're not dying" so they're perfectly fine and don't bother to do the extra work. But there's some people out there that do as much research as possible, reading articles, forums, and books to try to understand what they're up against, go out of their way to purchase the extra supplies needed, and to try their best to give these animals the best life they deserve and try so hard to keep them happy and as "healthy" as possible even though they're not healthy at all and never truly will be.

Despite everything I've done, I still feel bad. It sucks losing an animal. Any animal. But I know I gave her a really damn good life, even though it was short. I know she was happy, and that's what matters.

That being said, I can't keep doing this. Not with my job now, not with Mr. Phoenixx's job. It's just too stressful anymore, I'm running myself ragged. My mother talked about taking them in, and I'm seriously considering it. I'm having her come up this weekend while Mr. Phoenixx is out of town to do chores with me so she fully understands the care that goes into these guys and what needs to be done. She's raised goats before, just not immuno-compromised ones. My mother is home full-time too, which will help them. And even given her disability, she can still tend to these guys, especially since they're a smaller breed anyway.

Today and tomorrow thankfully are my scheduled days off from work. It's going to be a rainy day today, so I'll be spending most of it resting. I haven't gotten much sleep the last few nights between this and work and anxiety. I technically had my doctor's appointment this morning, but I rescheduled it the other day with everything that's been going on. I'm glad I did, although now I have to wait another 2 1/2 weeks before I can see him. At least that'll give me time to do the research I wanted to do on medications and write down my list of symptoms and any questions.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Im sorry to hear about your goat, losing an animal is always so shitty

 

[Phoenixx]

Im sorry to hear about your goat, losing an animal is always so shitty

It does suck. All I can think is that their fate is always in your hands, no matter what. And even though you try to do your best, when they pass from an illness it still makes it feel like it's somehow your fault. That you didn't try hard enough, even though deep down you know you did.

Admittedly a part of me is relieved too. She's no longer suffering and it's one less I have to care for and worry about.

 

[Phoenixx]

Today is already turning into a shit day which will probably wind up being another shitty week. I'm so tired of shit hitting the fan, I'm ready to pack my bags and just leave somewhere. No note, nothing. Just leave. Too bad I can't actually do that. My pets need me and I need them.

I have, yet again, another sick goat which needs an appointment to the vet immediately. Hell of it is, I can't even freaking go today and can't get anyone to take them for me either. My mother, yet again, does not have a car so she can't help. She also has not even bothered to even get back in touch with me about taking them on like she told me she would. Excuse after excuse after excuse. I'm so sick and tired of lying family members and unreliable people. This issue with the little guy started last night apparently, and Mr. Phoenixx never even told me. Never did a god damn thing. I'm so pissed and hurt. If I knew last night, I would've recommended treatments to try to get him through and planned to wake up early to rush him in if things weren't better, and then come back home just in time to go to work. Now I can't take him because I have to work and don't have hardly any sick time to use. I have zero vacation days because they aren't granted until 6 months in, so October for me. So yeah, I have nothing. I don't want to risk any penalties with this job if I don't have the days to use. I need this job, and I'm scared of losing it if I keep calling in because my animals are sick. I hate it, and I hate having to choose.

Another thing my mother put on me while I was on the phone with her this morning asking for her help is she needs to go back into surgery sooner than later and wanted me to get FMLA to care for her. No one is granted FMLA until they work at their place of employment for at least one year. So no, I can't. I would literally have to leave my job to do so. And the last time I had to care for her after surgery, it was a whole month of PT and such. But yeah I'm pissed about that to, because I'm literally asking/begging for her help and she always hits me with excuses. And then when I do finally get her help, I can guarantee that sometime down the road, it will come up as an IOU. Every time.

I don't understand why so many people have been treating me like shit the last few years. I don't get it. What did I do? Do I deserve it somehow? I wish I could start over. This was supposed to be a new beginning and I feel like it has been nothing but horrible. I feel like I need to prepare for the worst all the time. Maybe I should be. I don't know.

I'm supposed to have friends visiting at the end of the week, and then Mr. Phoenixx's birthday is the weekend after. I'll admit, I'm not looking forward to the latter. I already got his gifts, but I feel like it's not enough. I don't even want to see his family. I want to see my nephew and that's it. I miss him, but I definitely haven't missed the rest of them. No one ever asks about me anymore anyways, so clearly I don't matter. Just a cog working in the background. That's it.

I hope I have fun with my friends at least. They're not staying as long as I wanted them to though. I guess I should be thankful I get to see them at all, since I can't seem to manage to go out of my way to see them because of all the shit in my life.

The only good news to end the month is I finally got my dishwasher in and it runs great.

 

[MollyBeGood]

Aside from all you wrote I hope too your goat is feeling better today. I gave mine away last month because I couldn’t take them to my new home. Definitely bittersweet saying goodbye. I hope to have some more someday though. I miss them!

 

[Phoenixx]

Aside from all you wrote I hope too your goat is feeling better today. I gave mine away last month because I couldn’t take them to my new home. Definitely bittersweet saying goodbye. I hope to have some more someday though. I miss them!

I'm sorry you had to say goodbye, but at least it was bittersweet. I plan on starting over someday, purchasing from a reputable breeder with paperwork and registration where applicable. I will never again get any livestock animal, or any animal really, from someone who has a farm with none of these things. Can't trust anyone in this area, too many uneducated redneck morons who love to collect animals. A very hard difficult lesson learned for me.


Shit day is just continuing to be shit. I'm sick. Had to call in because I had a fever -- my workplace won't let you through the doors if you have a high temp. I did schedule a covid test for later this morning, just to be certain, although I don't think it's covid. But that's the rest of my sick time already used up. Nearly 6 months of sick time used in one month with just two days.

Lost my other goat this morning. I'm done. I won't be keeping the other two. I was going to type more but honestly I don't want to talk about it any further. I hate the fucking person who caused this whole mess and lied to my face and left me to suffer with them. Hope she suffers as much as these poor animals have. Some people are just absolutely disgusting and a complete waste of oxygen. Makes you wonder why such people even exist.

 

[MollyBeGood]

I'm sorry you had to say goodbye, but at least it was bittersweet. I plan on starting over someday, purchasing from a reputable breeder with paperwork and registration where applicable. I will never again get any livestock animal, or any animal really, from someone who has a farm with none of these things. Can't trust anyone in this area, too many uneducated redneck morons who love to collect animals. A very hard difficult lesson learned for me.


Shit day is just continuing to be shit. I'm sick. Had to call in because I had a fever -- my workplace won't let you through the doors if you have a high temp. I did schedule a covid test for later this morning, just to be certain, although I don't think it's covid. But that's the rest of my sick time already used up. Nearly 6 months of sick time used in one month with just two days.

Lost my other goat this morning. I'm done. I won't be keeping the other two. I was going to type more but honestly I don't want to talk about it any further. I hate the fucking person who caused this whole mess and lied to my face and left me to suffer with them. Hope she suffers as much as these poor animals have. Some people are just absolutely disgusting and a complete waste of oxygen. Makes you wonder why such people even exist.

Oh no I am so sorry!

 

[Phoenixx]

Well this is definitely not how I wanted to spend the week. But the worst of everything is just about over now. Good news, I got my covid results earlier than anticipated -- was originally told it might take between 4 - 7 days because of rising cases causing backlog in lab testing, but got them today -- and came back negative. I am feeling a lot better than I have the last two days, but the sinus congestion, cough, and shortness of breath want to stick around which is really annoying because my body is ready to do things, but my lungs tell me no. :| I did not go back to work today, as HR never got back to me from submitting the result this morning and I still don't feel 100%. They've made me stay home until we got results and I'm really glad my workplace follows state guidelines to a T since so many other places don't. Plus I have a scheduled 3 day weekend starting tomorrow. So yeah, pretty much spent an entire week out of work. It sucks, but I wanted to be safe.

 

[Phoenixx]

I had an appointment with my dr yesterday morning about my anxiety. It felt a bit rushed honestly, he talked fast and I felt rushed giving him an explanation of what's been going on, which is very unlike how my appointments usually go with him. Maybe he had a packed schedule later today and was feeling frantic, I don't know. But I felt I really didn't get to the basis of all my symptoms. Just that I've had a lot of trouble with anxiety for a while now and I'm basically just reaching a point, or rather finally admitting, that I feel like I need more help with it -- aka medication.

While it is situational at times with my social anxiety, my social anxiety doesn't send me into such a panic as my general anxiety does on a daily basis during, right before, and right after my menstrual cycles. Panic attacks are extremely rare for me, I don't get chest pain or shortness of breath. But I do get frequent tension headaches, I'm always tense, and I get overwhelmed very easily (including dealing with frequent sensory overload which leaves my head buzzing and in turn making the headaches worse) even if I don't always show it. Basic stupid stuff like catching up on cleaning overwhelms me during these times. I get agitated over this stuff too. I wake up some mornings like a switch going off in my brain with sudden racing thoughts of everything from errands needing done, work schedule, events coming up and overanalyzing every possible thing that could go wrong, etc etc. Some days my brain never shuts off and it leaves me exhausted and pissed off, which turns me into a snappy person with those closest to me. Having no energy leaves me laying on the couch some days not getting anything done and then kicking myself over it, thus leading to depression, and then the cycle restarts. Anxiety and racing thoughts > tension headaches/skin crawling/general pain/sensory overload > agitation > become grumpy mean person > feel exhausted > feel depressed over how I am > rinse and repeat. I have suspected PMDD for a while now, but never got diagnosed. While I didn't get an official diagnosis today, it did come up in our discussion.

He wants to start me on a low dose of Prozac, and since I literally started my menstrual cycle a couple days ago, he wants me to start it first thing this morning and take it for 6 weeks and follow up. He mentioned that Prozac is also prescribed for PMDD, which is why I believe he's starting me on this as I think he may have a suspicion that I may have it -- and I want to follow up asking him more about this in 6 weeks too. He didn't hesitate to mention that the first week or two may be a little rough, as the side effects starting out can be uncomfortable with dizziness and nausea, but should resolve after that. He believes this may be a good fit for me. I hope he's right. Not gonna lie, I'm already worrying about everything that could go wrong. What if it doesn't work? What if it leaves me feeling worse? What if it impacts my work so much that I can't go to work again? What if it doesn't work but I can't get off it right away and then have to feel worse trying to taper off it? What if it changes my personality? What if I start being a shitty person at work? What will my coworkers say if they found out? What if I keep missing doses and screw up everything?

Yeah dumb stuff. Except the last one is a legitimate concern. I'm not good at taking stuff every single day anymore. I can't even manage to take my allergy meds every day and I stop taking them. I can't even do that here. It's extremely important to be consistent with this. But I don't know what else I can do to light a fire under my ass to be focused and consistent with it. Phone reminders? I don't know.

Of course I'm having an agitated and anxious day first thing this morning. It makes me not even want to run down to the pharmacy prior to work because I don't want to deal with anyone. I'm tired, did not sleep well last night due to anxiety (of course!) and a cat and a dog keeping me up because they've been pretty bored here as our schedule is out of sorts since Mr. Phoenixx got put on night shift this week. Sterling stayed up all night getting into whatever he could possibly get into, and of course Willow was up and down constantly having to see what was going on. I eventually shut them both out of the room, but it was too hard to go back to sleep right away and stay asleep. Ugh.

 

[PugofCrydee]

I had an appointment with my dr yesterday morning about my anxiety. It felt a bit rushed honestly, he talked fast and I felt rushed giving him an explanation of what's been going on, which is very unlike how my appointments usually go with him.

I always feel like this with my GP. I usually think it's either because they do indeed have a packed schedule, or they choose to pack their schedule and see us as nothing more than dollar signs. In any case, well done for seeking help. The first step is often the hardest one. Hope you get some positive benefits out of it

 

[neurotic-to-the-bone]

I have suspected PMDD for a while now, but never got diagnosed. While I didn't get an official diagnosis today, it did come up in our discussion.

I suspect I have PMDD too so you have my sympathies. It's hellish. I finally became desperate enough a couple of months ago to try out these supplements that had gotten good reviews and they do seem to do the trick actually. While I still feel a mood change it is way more manageable than before. I hope you can find something that works for you because it is exhausting going through that every month. Oh and I find what works for me to remember to take pills is to take them with a meal and always put them out next to your glass. Easier to make a habit out of it that way.

 

[Phoenixx]

I suspect I have PMDD too so you have my sympathies. It's hellish. I finally became desperate enough a couple of months ago to try out these supplements that had gotten good reviews and they do seem to do the trick actually. While I still feel a mood change it is way more manageable than before. I hope you can find something that works for you because it is exhausting going through that every month. Oh and I find what works for me to remember to take pills is to take them with a meal and always put them out next to your glass. Easier to make a habit out of it that way.

If you don't mind me asking, what symptoms do you have with PMDD? What supplements are you taking?

About 10 years ago I was on supplementation for nutritional deficiencies and digestive issues I was having. I was seeing a nutritionist at the time, but they helped address everything, including my menstrual issues. Some of my menstrual issues were linked to my deficiencies, like my irregular periods and excruciating cramping on my heavy days, and those got resolved fixing my diet and filling in the nutritional gaps. My periods are regular and I don't get excruciating abdominal cramping anymore. But it didn't solve the problem of PMDD as I still struggle with the anxiety, racing thoughts, headaches, breast swelling (hey they look nice, but jesus they hurt! ), and the anger and grumpiness. Which is why I'm seeking medication finally. I've always been kind of sensitive to medications so I'm a little scared about taking an SSRI given all the possible side effects that could occur.


Took my first dose this morning about an hour ago. So far I have a slight headache coming on and feel a little drowsy, but I've also been fairly tired this week because of Mr. Phoenixx's schedule change and I've been busy. Hope this is all I get from taking it.

 

[SoScared]

Did you experience childhood anxiety