Life Ramblings

Phoenixx

Well-known member
I've been wanting to do one of these for a while now, only because I've been finding myself reverting back to old ways of bottling up all my thoughts and emotions, where they can just eat at me for days on end instead. Because that's really healthy, you know?

In the past I always used to take to my old Tumblr, but I really hate logging in there anymore, so I'm going to try this out instead.

I've been hanging onto a lot of anger again lately. Or rather it all started out as one annoyance after another that has just festered into a handful of frustrations that keeps eating at me.

My mother hasn't been doing good healthwise this month. I'm now starting to really worry about her. I should be seeing her today, she wanted to come over to my house to just get out of hers and excuse herself to help out with what's been piling up here. I'm letting her. It'll raise her spirits even if she does manage to throw some passive-aggressive comments my way while being here. Her new medication has been a living hell and she's still on a driving ban from the doctor. She's been having other issues now too, requested some bloodwork done, and her doctor didn't even order it. I told her she needs to start demanding until they actually do something, otherwise find a different doctor. I don't understand her doctor sometimes, he drags his feet on some things with her and it makes me mad. He knows her extensive health history and the red flags, you would think he would be a little more proactive when certain issues arise.

I wish she would help herself more, and I wish she would take my advice. I don't understand parents who still look at their children like children and not like functioning mature adults. I've always been in this situation and it's frustrating. She would benefit greatly, and I would be relieved too, if she would apply for disability housing of some sort, divorce my father, start living on her own but not without a pet. And I just thought today how much she would probably benefit from a support animal, trained specifically for epileptic individuals and handicapped individuals. I know this all sounds simple, but the process is much more difficult than that. I know it would be hard to get all of those things, but if we would be proactive I bet it could happen. But I need to let this go, because it won't ever happen. Instead what will probably happen is both will wind up getting hurt one way or another at some time or another right at their home -- that imo is no longer even safe for my mother's disabilities -- that will eventually lead to their death. You know the horror stories you hear of elderly folk falling in their home and then succumbing to their injuries later on? That's literally what I'm afraid will happen to both of my parents, moreso my mother than my father. But yet there's not a single thing that they'll do to even help themselves or attempt to. That's what makes me so mad. It's like they expect that it's our (my brother and I -- but really let's be honest it'll fall to me) duty to care for them indefinitely. Like that's the reason why you have kids, so they can care for you when you're old and make terrible health choices along the way that leads to your very illness. Selfish thinking, imo.

Of course my father hasn't been around for what's been happening with my mother healthwise or paying attention. Just been off to work as always. My brother's been working too, but he's apparently been helping out a little, taking her to stores to get groceries, etc. He still could be doing more though. Like actually buying groceries, or actually helping around the house. Lazy men in my family, I don't get it. Hard to believe I'm related to any of these people.

On top of that I've been struggling to keep up with the usual errands around the house and our little farm. I know this was Mr. Phoenixx and I's decision, but it was meant to be teamwork. Lately it's just been me doing everything while Mr. Phoenixx is a slave to his job for up to 80 hours a week (that includes commute time) and is only working on his shop project for the last month. I get that it needed to be done, we set aside money specifically for this, but I'm just aggravated that it's been the only thing that he's been working on here, because that's all he has time for. His job is so demanding, it sucks and I really wish he would find another job closer, even if it meant taking a bit of a pay cut. But he won't. Everything else has been falling to me, plus on top of working 50+ hours lately, I'm exhausted all the time. I feel myself breaking from the stress and I can't really handle it anymore. I've been trying to tell myself to just get major things done and don't sweat the rest, but it's hard. My in-laws have been over every single weekend straight for the past month to help him that's also been triggering me. They're judgmental people. Also very traditional people. No one's said it, but I know I've been expected to make a lunch every weekend they're here. They're usually outside working in the morning, while I'm here until the afternoon before leaving for work, but in that time I'm usually trying to catch up on little errands I can, getting ready for work, and taking a little breather somewhere in there. There were a couple weekend days I did help out and made stuff, but other than that I haven't made anything else because I refuse to. I'm not a maid service, I'm not a personal chef just because I'm a woman. Fuck those old-fashioned sexist expectations. I grew up with that and put an end to it as soon as I moved out of my parent's house. Thankfully Mr. Phoenixx doesn't expect this of me either, but it's frustrating to have in-laws like this. I know they've probably frowned on me not playing housewife, but that's their problem. Should've brought food, otherwise head 15 mins into town and grab something somewhere.

Because this month hasn't been fun enough, I woke up super early this morning quite suddenly. I didn't know why, but something didn't feel right. I looked at my phone and Mr. Phoenixx had just texted me (I have my phone on silent at night put under my pillow, so I definitely didn't hear or feel it go off) that he hit a deer on his way to work this morning. He's okay, but his van isn't. It was somehow still driveable so he actually just continued going to work after filing his insurance claim and police report. I offered to come get him, but he was over an hour away from home and already going to work at the time. Honestly I'm not even mad about this. I was expecting something like this to happen to one of us this week because animals have been running all over early morning and late at night because of the heat during the day. Guess my expectations were right, just sucks it had to have been him.

So much for paying off student loans in the next month. Between this and the payment for the project I don't want to take out too much money at once and I also don't want to dip into our savings. So I'll probably end up pushing my student loans back again for another month or two. I really want to get them paid off before September though because that's when the federal forbearance ends and student loans will resume their usual monthly interest rates and expected payments.

So yeah, that's been my month lately. I'm freaking exhausted. I'm tired of everyone and everything and hopefully next month will be better. I'm not holding my breath though.
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
Second post for today since a lot has been on my mind. I haven't been able to stop thinking about a coworker I know I'm going to start having issues with if we ever work together in the near future and it's really bothering me.

I really do not trust this person. I never have a good gut feeling whenever I'm around her. She's related to another one of my coworkers, so she already has an upper hand of manipulating people, I feel. She has a "bubbly" personality to everyone else except for me. I put that in quotes because I feel like she shows her true colors around me. She always talks down to me with how she says things. Whenever I try to talk to her, she immediately cuts me off and says, "What??" It's incredibly rude and it's always with an attitude behind it. I know I have a soft voice, combined with social anxiety and dealing with people like her it makes it worse.

During my first week of training on third shift, I remember talking to her for the first time. She came in for first shift (as the shifts have a 30 min overlap in order to pass the baton of what to expect and what did or didn't get done), I tried saying hi to her to be nice and she ignored me. She immediately grabbed the calibration sheet for all our equipment, read through it quickly, then comes over and asks, "Did you do this?" and points at a box that was missing data. I apologized and said I had done it. She shoved the paper in my hand and says, "Then you need to write it down." First shift forepersons were there and they never even said anything regarding how she talked to me. I don't know if they didn't catch it or if they just didn't care. I let it go because I figured I was also feeling sensitive that week from lack of sleep. But my gut still told me something wasn't right with this person.

Yesterday I was asked by one of our main lab forepersons to give her a note about data missing from a document. I didn't know what it was, but I passed the message along anyways. We both looked at the document and she says, "This isn't me this is you," matter of factly. I was confused and read it over again until I realized, yes the data missing was from my coverage the other night and I must've missed it as I was pretty busy running tests. I told her I didn't realize it was my mistake, no one talked to me about it. She immediately ran over to our other foreperson for that night as soon as she came in, showed her the document, and says, "Oh I fixed that mistake on Monday's calibration, but this *hands over other calibration paperwork* wasn't me it was *her* because blah blah blah." I stopped listening at that point because I had to keep myself from rolling my eyes so far in the back of my head. I just calmly told my foreperson, "Yeah sorry that was my 12 hour shift, I must've missed it because I was pretty busy that night." Foreperson says, "Oh hey no big deal! It's just a weight calibration. It's all good!"

But what's stupid about all of this and her freaking attitude is that a few nights ago I had to work with her for a short period of time as I had to cover a couple hours of the next shift since one person called in. We actually worked well that night, I did my thing she did hers. I asked her if she wanted any help and I helped her with some tasks. She started talking to me about her family -- one thing I really don't like coworkers talking to me about because a) I don't care, and b) I really don't want to hear about your family dysfunctions -- and then we got on the subject of work. I complimented her and told her that I didn't know how she does it on third shift but she seems to be doing really well and that when I was trained on third shift I barely survived because I was so tired. Well she admitted she was basically jealous of me because I got moved to second shift when she (apparently) should've and she got stuck on third shift. This was news to me and definitely explains why I'm the only person she treats like shit (not to mention I've worn a red target on my back my whole life just because I'm a quiet and anxious person). I told her that they gave me the option and I took it. I didn't know anyone else was in line for it. I was told the position was open and it was all mine if I wanted it. I expressed interest, and again, I got it.

I had hoped this explanation would help open her eyes and treat me a little bit more respectfully, but I guess not. Not from last night's attitude anyways. I really don't know what to do here. I'm not good with confrontation. I hate being treated like shit, but I tend to stuff it until I can't take it anymore and get super pissed off. When I get mad I tend to say things I regret. I don't want to resort to name calling because I can't seem to control my mouth when someone pisses me off. (Don't need to get fired for that either -- because at this workplace they don't tolerate yelling at other people or name calling of course) It's like my anxiety shuts off when I get pissed and I don't care what comes out of my mouth. I want to go to my supervisor about her attitude, but I'm afraid it'll look petty. And if my supervisor talks to her, she'll know exactly that it was me because she doesn't treat anyone else this way. I want to express my concerns to a foreperson instead, but I'm also afraid they'll pass the message along to my supervisor, and again, talk to her.

I've just been feeling stuck with this lately. I don't want to lose a job because I can't handle one person. Especially this job, which even though I've been working a ton of hours and it's an opposite schedule to my husband's, the work is still a cakewalk compared to anything else I've done in the past and I'm getting paid twice as much with decent benefits.

Ugh, why do other people have to ruin everything?
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
Spending this year's holiday weekend working. I'm fine with it. No one else I know seems to be doing anything either. Plus I get holiday pay today, on top of some overtime later in the week, so this week's check will be good. I'm finally starting to feel more comfortable at work, despite the other issues I've been having with a couple coworkers. The one hasn't been doing his job very well or not at all, but I'm also not the only one putting in a complaint on that so I don't feel too bad about it. I've been feeling more comfortable asking others for help too and not feeling like a burden to everyone as I'm still learning all sorts of little things on the job.

I have been doing well with the more social aspects of the other job in the other lab too. Answering phones and making quick phone calls has been a breeze, only because they're literally 5 - 10 sec phone calls. Nothing to think about, what to say, etc. Just "Number X is all clear" (for sample testing) or "X is here to be sampled." I still cannot page anyone over the speaker system and I don't think I can ever do that. Making the rare longer phone calls to the other company still intimidates me too. I always have to run through my head really quick on what to say to introduce myself, then ask the question(s) I need. I always have to take 3 deep breaths before calling which helps.

I suddenly lost one of my hens the other day. I still feel bad and I'm not entirely too sure what happened. She was 100% fine the day before, and that morning she was sitting next to their drinking bucket, but I didn't think anything was wrong as I often will have one of them sitting there as they dug out a little hole to sit in because it's cool and dusty. Well she was dead in that hole later that afternoon. I even checked her over to see if she had any infections or wounds I didn't know about, but no. So I'm thinking she was either egg-bound or had sudden death syndrome which does happen in fowl (that is related to the heart). I'm thinking it's more the latter because before that day, we had 5 days straight of 90+ degree weather. My chickens were panting, but not excessively, and they always have access to fresh water and shade under their coop and the tree that hangs over. She was also my biggest hen, she was probably at least half a size bigger than the rest of her kind, which tells me if she was that big then perhaps she did have a heart condition I didn't know about. I'm sad, but I at least know she lived a good life.

She was also the one keeping everyone else in check though too. Now that she's gone, I noticed one of my other hens has been really starting to bully my other two girls. I need to figure out a way to separate them, or get something to distract them from being bullies. I'm not entirely sure what I want to do yet, but I'm still thinking. I'm just worried they're going to start to bully the other two to death as well. I don't want to lose more of my girls. :(

At least my other pets have been doing well. Willow had her last training session yesterday. I'm a bit sad about that too, because I absolutely loved going to these sessions in the spring and they were worth every single cent I paid for them, not to mention Willow absolutely adored him too. I'm so lucky to live so close to one of the best dog trainers I know, and even though our classes are done, he told me to email him anytime with any questions I have or if we ever want to set up future appointments to guide us through certain situations with her. Plus he's willing to send me more of his YouTube videos on other lessons that may help. But again, I'm so thankful for his expertise and knowledge and everything he had to share with us. There's no way we would've been able to be comfortable enough to guide her through her reactivity by ourselves without constantly worrying if she was going to bite someone or something else, especially after her trauma in the fall. Reading her behavior was tricky, and she actually seems to have opposite reactions to certain things than most dogs would, which we all found puzzling yet entertaining. While Willow has a big bark and likes to appear intimidating in uncertain situations, she's really just a huge dork and as soon as she warms up she's set for life. Submissive dogs are good dogs and we like them. She also thinks other people are just the best if she's able to get the chance on her own terms to warm up to them, especially if they give her lots of yummy treatos (liver is her favorite!).

Of course she's not "cured" of her reactivity. She will always have a level of it since she's a Shepherd and that's what they do. But she no longer pulls and tugs at the leash anymore like she did and she also quits barking and "snaps back" (looks at us for reassurance) sooner and better than she used to as well. Consistency is key and now that we have this down, I'm pretty excited to bring her into more public situations. Not crowded situations of course, but open areas with some people and maybe other dogs all at a distance to see how well she'll do.
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
Depression is hitting me hard the last couple days. It's been a recurring cycle for the last couple months and I really just cannot take it anymore. Day in and day out I work here, do errands, then go to my job. Rinse and repeat. My day's off are fairly relaxing, but again I work and do errands. Get groceries, fit in appointments that I need or pets need. I don't visit anyone, no one visits me. My schedule can't even seem to match up with most of my friends so I won't be visiting them any time soon. One is visiting family this week though and I'll get to see her on Friday, so I'm excited about that since I haven't seen her in over a year.

Meanwhile, I feel like Mr. Phoenixx and I's work/life balance is getting to be really unfair. I can't help but be angry all the time about it. I'm just tired of everything. I'm tired of him focusing on just his stupid project. (Yeah, it needed to be done, and we budgeted for it with the COVID money we received from gov, plus tax return, but still. I didn't know it was going to be the ONLY thing he'd be focusing on.) I'm tired of not being able to know how to do my own projects without his help. I'm tired of carrying both of our work here on my back. I'm just tired. I'm also envious of how much time he gets to spend doing the things he enjoys. His family comes up every weekend to help. They have meals together, sometimes they go hiking through the woods while they're here, and the other day they went swimming for the evening. My nephew even came up. All while I was at work. Those are his days off. Spent with his family. He won't even text me when they're there and I'm at work on my breaks. I don't bother texting anymore either because he doesn't answer. My day's off consist of running around doing errands and catching up on things in the house because it doesn't get done otherwise. No one visits me and I don't visit anyone because I can't. The only time my family tends to talk to me is when they need to complain or they want something. It just makes me feel really unloved, you know? Like not a single person in the world even cares about my existence.
 

MollyBeGood

Well-known member
Great that you found some relief in writing stuff here. Is there any chance to get Mr. Phoenixx into some couples counseling? There you can comfortably air your grievances and be heard in a supportive environment. I would definitely do that before you become any more resentful towards him. It could be he’s completely clueless (he is a guy haha) about how you are feeling. Resent is a relationship killer so don’t let it fester too long if you value your marriage. You absolutely need to take more time for yourself and you need to feel like people care about you!
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
Great that you found some relief in writing stuff here. Is there any chance to get Mr. Phoenixx into some couples counseling? There you can comfortably air your grievances and be heard in a supportive environment. I would definitely do that before you become any more resentful towards him. It could be he’s completely clueless (he is a guy haha) about how you are feeling. Resent is a relationship killer so don’t let it fester too long if you value your marriage. You absolutely need to take more time for yourself and you need to feel like people care about you!
I remember trying to get him to go prior to getting married. Not that we had many issues then - nor do I think we have many issues now, just one big issue that's glaringly obvious and it's making me mad - but I just thought it'd be a good idea anyways just to see each other's deeper perspectives on things. He was completely against the idea, like most men are (yes Pug, sexism! 😆), and we ended up not doing it. 😕

Admittedly he is oblivious though, and I don't speak my mind enough. And it's even harder to talk with us working opposite schedules during the week. I'm sleeping when he's leaving for work and he's sleeping when I come home from work. We need to have a good talk. I have so many fears of things not working out all because of his job. 😣 His commute is insane and I think he's insane for sticking with it. But I also realize this career was already set before we ever had a life together, and he's worked so hard to be where he is now. He gets paid well. Money means a lot to him since he didn't have much growing up. I get it. Again, it just sucks I never see him and have to pull both of our weights to make up for his absence. 😔
 

MollyBeGood

Well-known member
I remember trying to get him to go prior to getting married. Not that we had many issues then - nor do I think we have many issues now, just one big issue that's glaringly obvious and it's making me mad - but I just thought it'd be a good idea anyways just to see each other's deeper perspectives on things. He was completely against the idea, like most men are (yes Pug, sexism! 😆), and we ended up not doing it. 😕

Admittedly he is oblivious though, and I don't speak my mind enough. And it's even harder to talk with us working opposite schedules during the week. I'm sleeping when he's leaving for work and he's sleeping when I come home from work. We need to have a good talk. I have so many fears of things not working out all because of his job. 😣 His commute is insane and I think he's insane for sticking with it. But I also realize this career was already set before we ever had a life together, and he's worked so hard to be where he is now. He gets paid well. Money means a lot to him since he didn't have much growing up. I get it. Again, it just sucks I never see him and have to pull both of our weights to make up for his absence. 😔
He sounds like a great guy, and needs some guidance is all. You two need to set up a date night ASAP and you should do your best to talk to him then. Nice dinner out and have some fun just you and him. Maybe that’s a better approach than the counseling idea in his case. But maybe too ask him again (about counseling) he might be open to it now? Can’t hurt to ask again you never know. Ugh I am sorry it’s true though men can be so emotionally “constipated” for lack of a better word from having to be manly and not emotional traditionally, anyways. But yes...He needs your help opening up, clearly he’s struggling with the emotional intelligence score in your relationship. Ugh again...There’s no guarantees with any of it though...even if he goes to counseling he might clam up there too. MEN! Haha (that ones for you Pug😂)

How long have you been hitched?
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
He sounds like a great guy, and needs some guidance is all. You two need to set up a date night ASAP and you should do your best to talk to him then. Nice dinner out and have some fun just you and him. Maybe that’s a better approach than the counseling idea in his case. But maybe too ask him again (about counseling) he might be open to it now? Can’t hurt to ask again you never know. Ugh I am sorry it’s true though men can be so emotionally “constipated” for lack of a better word from having to be manly and not emotional traditionally, anyways. But yes...He needs your help opening up, clearly he’s struggling with the emotional intelligence score in your relationship. Ugh again...There’s no guarantees with any of it though...even if he goes to counseling he might clam up there too. MEN! Haha (that ones for you Pug😂)

How long have you been hitched?
He is a great guy, which makes me feel bad for how I've been feeling. But he's not perfect. And neither am I.

Yeah we definitely need a date night (or day) to just hang out. I have a 3 day weekend coming up next week and the week after. I already made plans for at least one of those weekend days for both weeks. I'm looking forward to it. Hope he is too. I know the last thing he always wants to do when he's not working is hop in a car and drive somewhere since that's all he does for work anyway. But we never see each other, let alone ever go anywhere anymore because of our work schedules.

We've been hitched for 3 years now, together for almost 8. 🙂
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
Yesterday wasn't a good mental health day. I actually had a bit of a breakdown yesterday after feeling it coming on this whole week. :( I had a good talk with Mr. Phoenixx though. He knows things have been hard for us lately. It sucks we never see each other and a lot of what needs to be done is on my shoulders, but he's been trying to do more around the house if and when he has time if he gets home from work early enough and isn't exhausted. I told him that all his time spent at work right now wouldn't be so bad if he actually got more time off during the winter, because that would be something to look forward to. Last year he barely got a month off and only did because we got a COVID exposure and were required by the state to stay locked down for an additional 2 weeks. We're keeping our fingers crossed he'll have more time off come winter. I really hope he asks for the time off and doesn't expect them to decide without him asking. Because they always decide to only give him 2 weeks and expect him immediately back to work the first week of the new year, whereas most get 3 - 4 months off. I hate that they do that to him and can't use other people that live closer. It's a classic case of overworking your best employees just because you can and you don't want to train anyone else.

Anyways, he also reminded me that I'm probably getting way too worried over things too. He's right, I do. I can't help it. I just get so scared of ever getting into the same situation I grew up in with my parents. Having a cluttered house hoarded and dirty, women expected to do all the work and it's their fault if it's not done, and never seeing my husband and since he's at work so much it must be because he doesn't like me anymore and doesn't care. I know the latter isn't true, but my anxiety tells me it is. I know if he could make exactly the same amount of money working a lot closer to home he'd do so in a heartbeat. But because he's not here, I also feel that if I fall behind with catching up on things, then my house will automatically turn into a cluttered dirty mess and that will be my fault. Typing it out, it feels so silly. (Because I also don't own anywhere near as many things as my parents) But in my mind, it's nothing but fear and panic. Worrying about what people think, or what my mother thinks, if they ever visit too. It's stupid, and again, it sounds so silly typing it out. But I hate it. I've been trying for years to get out of this mindset and telling myself that I'm not my mother or I'm not my father. Hell, I'm neither of my parents. I'm me. Yet, sometimes I feel like it's not true and that I'll be exactly like them because they are my parents afterall. But it's *my* space, why should I ever worry about what someone else thinks? What matters is what I think. But how can I trust my anxious thoughts?

Overall, I had a much better day today though. I went to the eye doctor since I was in need of a checkup and wanted to look into some blurriness I've been having reading some tests results at work. I've never had an issue reading things close up, but recently things have been blurry, night driving has been a bit difficult, and my eyes haven't been focusing well. Thankfully nothing's wrong, just my vision continuing to get worse as it normally does lol. I was recommended to get some OTC reading glasses for work to wear with my contacts when reading test results to keep my eyes from straining so much, as that's what they think is the issue, just my optic muscles straining too much and getting weaker with age. (even though I'm not THAT old) I was due for some new glasses as well as needing to order more contacts, so I got everything today. I can't wait for my new glasses to come in. I've been wearing my bent up black ones at home forever now, they're so bent they're pinching into the sides of my head and they look crooked on my face after a while, so I try not to ever wear them in public lol. I asked to get them repaired, but I guess the frame is starting to wear pretty thin, since they're metal, and my eye dr recommended not to even reuse them. So I guess I'll just save them for a backup old pair for an emergency or to wear in situations when I wouldn't care otherwise if they did wind up getting broke somehow. My new ones look nearly the same, except the lens is a little bit rounder and they're dark purple. 😁

I also had a short visit with a friend this afternoon, we went out and got ice cream and just talked. I was pretty anxious meeting up with her, as I hadn't seen her in over a year and I was meeting her boyfriend for the first time. I never considered myself to be an envious person, but I always felt a wave of envy with her too. She's so pretty, independent, outspoken and carefree, can work a room without even trying, all the things I very much am not. I always felt ugly and not good enough around her when we were teens and younger adults, even more so if a guy was with her. And never understood why she was ever friends with me. But we've been friends for years now and I've appreciated her presence in my life and always sticking around even when we don't talk for a while because life gets busy. I didn't feel twinges of jealousy at all today. Instead I simply felt happy for her. I mean, I always feel happy for her and her successes anyway, even with feeling envious. But I don't know. Something was different today. Maybe it was her boyfriend being the most laid back guy I've seen her with. I've met her other boyfriends in the past and didn't care for them and the relationships unfortunately didn't last long. But this one seems different. She's much more relaxed around him and he seems like a cool guy. I hope everything works out for them. They seem pretty content with each other.
 

F0AM

Well-known member
And never understood why she was ever friends with me.
Probably because we're usually the worst judges when it comes to seeing our own strenghts, and others are able to see that which our minds eclipse.


I didn't feel twinges of jealousy at all today. Instead I simply felt happy for her
Don't know, that brought a smile upon my face. Maybe a part of you is at peace now, or simple grew up as a person :)

I mean, is always hard to not feel a glimpse of envy when others have what you want. And not the "toxic" envy in which you'd desire for them to lose it, but that envy where you remember that you don't have it, but you would like to. The toxic part comes at play when you justify that absence with "im not good enough", "i don't deserve it", "i'll never have that", etc.
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
Work has been a bitch this week. I'm honestly so freaking tired of the overtime. I can feel my anxiety ramping up again from lack of sleep and lack of motivation and energy to even tend to anything else. It's only going to get worse over the next few weeks too. :( At least today is my Thursday and tomorrow my Friday. I have a 3 day weekend coming up I have been looking forward to all month. We were supposed to go camping, but since his accident and his van still in the shop and being down to just my car (he's been using company vehicles, but only to drive to and from work. Nothing else, since they track gas usage/mileage/etc.) we nixed that idea. We'll be visiting family on Saturday instead as his cousin is having a birthday party and I just remembered I never got her anything yet. (shit 😩) Sunday we're still going to the state park I want to visit and having the day to ourselves. Friday I will be very much enjoying my alone time and catching up on things as usual.

My area has been getting hit with storm after storm for the last week. I think it's rained just about everyday for a week or more now. 2 weeks prior to this we hardly had any rain, grass was burning up, and the creeks had dried up. Not anymore. I'm surprised we didn't lose any trees here nor have we had any power outages, as many places nearby have had issues. Guess we've been lucky. *knocks on wood*

My garden is shot to hell this year I think. No time to tend to it, no time to weed it out, no time for anything. I'm pretty pissed off about it honestly. Took the time to plant what I wanted, half of it didn't even come up, the storms that have gone through just about ruined my peas -- wind gusts snapped them over, so much rain that I'm afraid it's getting too wet at this point, and then the deer actually went through this year too. (Never had that problem last year) So I'm basically giving up. What I get is what I get, and everything else was just time fucking wasted. I will not be doing this again next year. If I have to waste my time next year practically living at my job, then either a) I plant nothing or b) I spend the money to put in all sorts of different methods to save time and prevent shitty things from happening the best I can --> irrigation systems with rain barrels, new fence, trellises, the works. Either way, I need to find a system or do nothing at all just so I'm not killing myself.
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
I had a pretty good 3-day weekend. Disappointed it went so fast, but I at least have another one coming up next week. I didn't get to do everything I wanted to do thanks to the weather, but I still got to spend it with Mr. Phoenixx regardless. Sucks that Friday was an anxious day, because when I have days like that it makes me feel like I wasted the day stuck in my head and letting emotion take over. But it was inevitable I suppose. Too many built up little frustrations, too much work, plus the trigger of social events, just a recipe for disaster for me I guess. I don't want to kick myself over it, but I know I can do better. It just seems like lately I haven't been able to do better. Again, getting too caught up in my head and emotions. Not really sure what else I can do about it honestly.

Saturday we went to his cousin's birthday party. Apparently the time changed and no one told us so we wound up getting there late when we thought we were on time. It's notorious for them to do that as they've done it before, but we didn't care. Is what it is. We had things we had to do prior to leaving anyways, plus it was less time we wound up spending there and less pressure on us to talk to everyone. So overall we were there only a couple hours before we left to go to my parents' house. Of course all I listened to while I was there was my mother and brother bitch about my father and how they're finally cleaning up their hoarded crap. And of course I also got the whole "I'm not checking in enough" spiel. Not checking in often and living my life is just about the only way I stay sane enough to deal with them. I prefer keeping them at arm's length. Visiting maybe once a month or so and calling once or twice a week with occasional texts throughout the week is about where I feel comfortable now. Every time I visit is a constant reminder of how different I am compared to them. I've always been the black sheep and I'm okay with that.

Yesterday was a day spent mostly at home. Because of the nasty thunderstorms that went through the area all week, we decided to not go to the state park we wanted to visit. Lots of parks with gorges, rivers, and steep trails around here, and if it rains enough most of the time these parks will close off trails and restrict other areas because of the water. We weren't chancing it so we didn't go. Instead we went out in the afternoon and got ice cream, then went to the hardware store to buy some supplies. Got everything we needed to build our duck house (I've been raising ducks too this summer) and got the parts we needed to fix a couple things in the house. We finally got the vent fan fixed in the bathroom that was broke for over a month and tried to fix the drippy pipe under the mudroom sink. Replaced the corroded elbow which we thought was the issue, but instead it might actually be the valve so we need to go back out next week to get a replacement for that too.

On top of that I got in some much needed lazy time over the weekend too. Finished two Netflix series already, finished playing Mario + Rabbids too. I'd like to start another game on the Switch, but I really want to pick back up some of my projects I started and a couple others I wanted to start. Only if it would quit raining and quit being 90 degrees on dry days.
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
I decided today to give up Facebook almost entirely. I say almost entirely because I'm still keeping my profile for messenger purposes as most people in my life message me through there than text, marketplace purposes because every once in a great while I do look for sales and sell on there too, and also because my IG is linked to it and I didn't want to lose anything. I just won't hardly be visiting nor will I really be posting anything from now on. In the past 2+ weeks, my discomfort has eased up quite a bit. I'm not quite as angry or worked up over stupid things and I want to keep it that way. Obviously I still have my own pent up frustrations that only add to my anxiety and depression, but at least one constant variable will be out of the mess.

I used to really like FB to keep in touch with friends and family and see what they were up to, but no matter how much I tried to adjust my feed, I always fell back into the same patterns of reading news articles and getting caught in the virtual echo chambers of political and religious bullshit. Facebook is such a giant MAGNET for that, no matter how many times you try to edit what or who you follow. Admittedly I got caught up in sharing my own views, yet again, only adding a voice to the internet void of expressing opinions. But ultimately what really made me quit besides that is family. I got tired of seeing their crap. My aunts with all their money living lavish lifestyles filled with nothing but drinking and traveling, almost humble bragging about how good their life is because they can afford having multiple vacation homes in touristy areas. It makes me mad knowing people live like that while others suffer in poverty and struggle no matter how hard they work. Other family members sharing literal fake propaganda believing it to be the truth. Yep, that makes me mad too. Another family member showing how great her life is with all the alcohol she can drink on retirement while behind closed doors she is still continuing to abuse her daughter. God, it just makes my blood boil so much!

What has really been hurting me too, and I hate to admit this, is my in-laws presence all over FB. Mainly my FIL. He used to message me every week, used to comment and laugh with me on nearly every funny post I'd share, or compliment any photo I took. He would share things with both my husband and I. Now he never talks to me. He barely acknowledges my presence in person too. All because of a stupid god damn fucking election. At least I'm pretty sure that's the main reason. Our political views being different, religious views too. But he's just turned into such a god damn ignorant person this year and it makes me want to yell at him. I know he's lost a lot in the past year. His father -- whom he had a complicated relationship with to begin with, his job -- forced to retire early because of health issues, had to go through all of that almost alone because of the pandemic and had to stay on lockdown so much last year. But it's like he's taking all that pain and inflicting it on people that are different from him, and I'm the biggest target because I'm the closest target. That's always been the theme of my life. A target. I've always been a target. My small size, my quiet nature yet not afraid to actually speak up if I get pissed off enough, hell even my gender probably. All those things make it easy to point a finger and just place blame.

It's like my in-laws also want nothing to do with me because I don't have kids and have never followed the "traditional" role of being a housewife, unlike my two sisters-in-law who both have kids and that's what their jobs are. I have zero issues with any woman wanting to follow that lifestyle for herself. Raising kids is a lot of hard work and I commend all women who choose that lifestyle. But that lifestyle isn't for me. It was never for me. As a kid growing up I never saw myself wanting to be a mother and married. I never played with dolls. I played with animal figurines. I played with food and pretend kitchens until my mother actually let me in the kitchen to help. I took walks and drew pictures and read books, always seeing a new environment laid out before me either physically or in my head. Having a family has never been on my bucket list. Of course I've thought about what it would be like and now that I'm getting older and I am married whether I actually do want it or not. But honestly, I'm perfectly okay with not having it too. The fact that others think they get to judge me and decide to treat me the way they want based on this is not fair and I'm quite tired of letting this happen. FB is just another way for people to extend this judgment and I'm not giving people that kind of power anymore.

I did go back to Instagram today after an even longer hiatus from there. I'm okay with that because I feel it's mostly a site for creators to share. I've missed seeing all the work my favorite chefs, Youtubers, photographers, and artists have been posting. I've missed my friends' creations too and whatever pictures they're posting or food their making. Say what you want about food pictures, I personally love them lol.

I've been wanting to get ^all^ of that off my chest for a while. I just really had to ruminate over it for a long time to really understand what the hell my deal has been and taking that FB break really cleared my head. I'm looking forward to this nearly permanent break now.
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
I've been driven mad by the drivel people share on facebook a lot lately too. I put people on unfollow and just stay for the memes most of the time now.
The thing is that I have over half my friends list on unfollow. The memes that still pop up on my feed most of the time are political and religious too, probably because of past FB activity affecting the algorithm. But still. You would think after editing my news feed I'd see less, but it doesn't even seem to matter. 🤷‍♀️
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
I've been stuck inside my head since yesterday and my anxiety has been ramped up to an 11 since then too. I feel like a hamster on a wheel, continuously going but no destination. Just doing, doing, doing for the sake of things needing to be done. There's no satisfaction, just going through the motions. I hate it. I hate my anxiety and everything has been driving me mad lately.

I have to work a 12 hour shift today and didn't get much sleep last night because of my anxiety. The coworker I hate working with (that I thankfully don't have to work with yet, just interact with for a half hour between shift changeover) that always talks so condescendingly towards me talked to me last night. Apparently I've been leaving work for her to do. I didn't know. I get so focused on the major things that need to be done that I didn't realize I was leaving little things. She told me not to even bother doing any paperwork until my work is done. I was under the impression it HAD to be done regardless, but I guess that's not the case. "I don't want you to do any of the crosschecks or calibrations or any of that paperwork until you finish your bottles. Because you know, we have to get all our work done first." I don't fucking get it. I don't fucking understand why people need to talk to me like this. What the fuck is the god damn deal??? Is it because I'm ugly? Do I have a big red target painted on my forehead I don't know about that says treat me like shit? I know, don't take it personally, but it's pretty hard to not take personally when she literally does not talk to anyone else like this besides me.

Of course my pathetic self didn't know what to say. I just said okay. That's it. I finished my work, told her what was done, and she was chipper and I left. I fucking hate people who get high off from walking over others. I hate that I can't stand up for myself either. I hate how pathetic of a person I've seem to become in the past almost two years. All the confidence I had managed to work up and have prior to moving has been destroyed and I feel like I'll never get that again. I'm scared of losing this job because I can't handle working with one person. I'm scared of speaking up because of family ties in the workplace (her aunt works with me most shifts [and I actually like working with her, she's a nice woman albeit quite the character], her son works in another department, and another family member works in the second part of our department that interacts frequently with ours) -- god do I hate family members working in the same workplace. It creates a bias and a gang up mentality that makes it extremely unfair for everyone else.

Overall, I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I feel like I'm stuck in this pit of despair all the time. No matter how many times I try to make things better or think things through differently, I still feel the same. I still feel like I get treated like crap. Like no one cares. Like I'm just a pawn being used for everyone else's benefit.
 
Top