Life Ramblings

[Phoenixx]

My mother is doing a lot better this week so far, which is good. She had a follow-up with a cardiologist yesterday and they're scheduling her for a few tests, including a sleep test and stress test to see what exactly caused her afib and her blood pressure to rise so much. Right now they're leaning more towards suspecting sleep apnea. Apparently it's genetic on her mother's side which I didn't know. Which, again, makes me ask why in the world does she not bother getting frequent check-ups at the doctor because of her conditions and because of her genetics? I also found out she stopped taking her heart medication a while ago because "she no longer needed it" and she felt "fine" without it. She has had a lifelong heart murmur and has been on medication for it for about half of her life I believe. Why she decided she didn't need it I don't know. Makes me think that also may have contributed to her afib.

I just really hate that no one in my family can be bothered to take care of themselves. Because then when something goes wrong, it falls to me. Always me. I'm the "smart" one and the one who "notices everything." I know when something's not right and I apparently know how to make things right when things go wrong. It's so aggravating that my brother nor my father can be bothered to care for my mother the way she should be cared for. Hell they can't even be bothered to care for themselves and their bodies like they should be cared for. It's aggravating that they go to me like I'm some sort of expert in the health field. I'm not a doctor, I'm not a nurse. I have some health knowledge, mostly nutritional, and probably a little more than the average person thanks to college, but that's it. And just because I'm a woman doesn't automatically define me as a caretaker. The day one of my parents dies is going to be a mess. I'm going to be the one doing all the work and arrangements, guaranteed.

In other news, my vacation for next week finally got approved, so I'll be having a week off starting next Sunday. I'm looking forward to it. Between what's been happening with my mom and what's been happening with covid again here -- it's starting to feel like 2020 all over again, ugh -- I've been feeling really burnt out and just plain depressed. I don't want to get up in the morning, I just want to lay around most of the day. I find myself putting on a face at work, and then feeling entirely drained by the time I get back to my car to head home. I've been trying to not be so gloomy while I'm at home either. I feel like because it's coming up to Mr. Phoenixx's last couple weeks at home before he heads back to work I want him to enjoy his time off still and not worry about me. So yeah, I feel drained. I desperately just want to be left alone to be moody for a little while.

 

[Phoenixx]

My vacation came and went by so fast, but it was desperately needed. The first couple days were spent cooped up inside. We had a wicked snow storm come through which didn’t dump as much snow as we expected, but it was pretty damn cold and has stayed cold since. Those couple days cooped up inside were spent napping, snacking, and literally being lazy haha. I needed it, because the rest of the week we’ve been working as much as we could upstairs and I’ve been catching up on errands.

The upstairs remodel has been taking a bit longer than I thought it would, but we’ve also had to do things I didn’t consider at all. We ripped down the ceilings and the walls and have had to replace the insulation because it was incredibly old and we really were not comfortable with the amount of cardboard that was up there with it. We also found some wires underneath that literally lead to nothing, must’ve led to something at one point, but were capped off yet still hot. Yeah huge fire hazard. We’ll be ripping those out too. Thankfully I’ve been able to be under budget for a lot of the items we’ve needed. So far the most costly service we have yet to do is the plumbing and electric. I know plumbers and other professionals aren’t cheap, but for as simple of a job the guy mentioned it would be for the plumbing, we still weren’t expecting what we were quoted for. And that wasn’t even including the electric they were also going to do which was starting out at $150 - $200 alone just for them to walk through the door. We’ve decided to let his uncle redo our electric, which will be A LOT cheaper and still done professionally, and just pay for the plumbing. I doubt even getting a second opinion elsewhere would be much cheaper as far as the plumbing goes as we’re basically flipping where the tub and toilet used to be and we need a vent installed as this bathroom didn’t even have one.

I still never made the call to get a quote done on replacement windows though. I need to get it done, but I’ve been procrastinating because I’m anxious and I’ve never done this before. I’m also anxious about the cost too, but it needs to be done. I just need to suck it up and make the call already.

Despite everything taking longer, I’m pretty excited to get everything done and have a whole new living space. I’m so over looking at blank white walls and carpet. I just hope we’ll be moved upstairs by March or April.

Today’s my last day of vacation before going back to work tomorrow, so I plan on being lazy the rest of the day. It’s so cold today that I don’t even have the motivation to do anything otherwise. It dipped down into the negative double digits last night and is currently sitting at 0 degrees F. The furnace has struggled to keep up to temp today, but it’s still warmer in here than I thought it would be. I’m still bundled up on the couch though and plan to stay that way.

 

[Phoenixx]

Depression has been kicking my butt a little bit the last 3 days. It was so relieving and comforting this past month still having Mr. Phoenixx up when I got home and us just relaxing in front of the tv and talking before bed. I hate that we can’t have that schedule all the time right now. It gets incredibly lonely some days getting home in the dark with him sleeping, me going to bed and then waking up alone, doing all the errands by myself for the majority of the week, and only talking to him via text and random phone calls when we can. I keep telling myself only a few more years of this, but it’s hard getting back to our usual schedule after this last month. We both enjoyed it and we both are looking forward to the day when he can work closer to home. Whenever that day will be exactly who knows. We currently need the financial cushion of his job, and the benefits of mine, if we want to finish everything up with this house in the next few years and pay it off.

This cold weather has not helped either. I don’t usually mind the cold, but these single digit and negative temps are getting to me. Willow has been so bored this week too. I feel bad, but I can’t leave her out since it’s too cold and I definitely won’t stay outside playing with her today either. I did get in a good outside 20-minute play sesh with her yesterday though before I left for work since it wasn’t as cold. She’s had to stay in her crate all week so far though when we’re out of the house. She’s good in a crate, but she just doesn’t like it.

I’ve been trying to combat my loneliness and focus on talking to friends I haven’t talked to in a while, but I can’t really bring myself to talk to anyone. I feel lonely, yet can’t be bothered to not isolate myself. I talked to an old friend yesterday off and on but neither one of us could keep a conversation going too much. Another old friend messaged me this morning, and I texted back, but haven’t heard back at all. I used to talk to these two friends regularly in the past, but now I just can’t bring myself to talk as much. I know I’ve grown apart from them a bit, and I know it’s mostly because I cannot stand their man-baby husbands and I feel like both of them have changed since getting married. I feel like a dick admitting that, but it’s true.

Ultimately I’m just trying to get through this week. It sucks, but at least work has been easy. Haven’t had a full schedule of things to do at all and most days I’ve found myself just on my phone or reading news articles on the computer in my downtime in the lab. I’m just counting down the days until Friday. I plan on enjoying much of my weekend playing Legends Arceus and hopefully purchasing and installing some flooring.

 

[Phoenixx]

Spending this cold Sunday doing my weekly finances, planning my week, and otherwise just relaxing and trying to stay warm. Today is supposed to be the last day of this frigid cold for a little bit, then it's supposed to warm up above freezing for a few days. Willow will be happy. We can stay outside to play a little longer and she can go back out in her yard while we're at work instead of cooped up in her crate.

The plumbers came on Friday and did their work. It ended up taking them longer than we thought they would, but we're happy with what they setup. Unfortunately, even with taking measurements, we completely underestimated how tight of a space our bathroom was going to be with the new vanity sink and bathtub. So we're actually going to flip the vanity to the other side of the wall, so instead of having everything on one side of the bathroom, it'll be toilet, then bathtub/shower, then sink on the other side of the half-wall; so the plumbing for the sink just has to be flipped the opposite direction. Hard to explain without a picture. The layout is going to be a little awkward I think, but it's the easiest way to setup without having to re-do everything or purchase new facilities. Besides, it'll grow on me. It'll be a little different, but definitely not horrible.

Definitely couldn't do the bathroom flooring this weekend, as the place we picked out our sample was out of stock when we went yesterday. But we were able to order it and it should be here in a couple weeks. That'll give us more than enough time to get our insulation put in and re-route the ductwork in the floor. One register is moving to the wall and the other register is staying in the floor, just moving down a foot or so.

My mother is still working with her doctor to try and figure out what's going on with her heart. She had her EKG and stress test done the other day and of course it came back normal. She's frustrated already, I don't blame her, but she still has a sleep study to do and that's not until the end of next month. In the meantime, her doctor is working with her to figure out her whole body inflammation as well, as he believes it's linked to what's been going on. She's been dealing with inflammation for years, I'm still frustrated with her for not taking care of herself and not regularly seeing her doctor, but I guess I'm just somewhat relieved that now she's finally asking her doctor for help and he's been trying his best to figure it out. She has a follow-up with him next week. Right now his working theory is polymyalgia rheumatica -- an inflammation disorder which affects the muscles which can affect the arteries as well. Of course it can also be associated with atrial fibrillation. I think it's a good theory, and I'm curious what further steps he will take to try and diagnose this. The sleep apnea is also not being ruled out either, hence the sleep study next month. At the moment he has her taking prednisone 3x/day and she's back on her heart medication, on top of her usual medications for her epilepsy.

I've been playing Pokemon Legends: Arceus this weekend. I'm 16 hours in, but don't feel too far into it yet. I'm enjoying it, but it's definitely not a perfect game -- not that I was expecting perfect. I'll have more thoughts about it as I play more. I've also been watching League of Legends: Arcane. Holy hell what a show! I know nothing about League of Legends other than it's a video game. Never played and no idea what it's about. I'm not done with the show yet, but hoping to finish it tonight. I'll definitely be posting more on that later too.

 

[Phoenixx]

I know I've been posting a lot this week, but I've had a lot on my mind and I've been struggling with my anxiety and depression moreso than usual, or at least more than I have since I started my medication and I think it's because I've actually been screwing it up recently.

I felt fairly dizzy the other day kind of out of nowhere. It didn't last too long but it was just kinda weird and wasn't sure what caused it. Last week of course I noticed my anxiety and depression were worse than usual, but I attributed it to my PMS/PMDD. Of course that's probably true, but now this week where my hormones should've leveled out, I'm still feeling the same. It dawned on me the other day that the Vitamin B supplement I switched to is probably interfering with my medication. Last month I purchased a new B supplement that had an herbal component to it. I read the ingredients and looked up to see if there were any drug interactions, but couldn't find any so I figured it was safe but I don't think it is. I switched to this new supplement because I wasn't able to get the one I was getting before and the daily % was similar to what I was taking. And of course I was taking it in the morning with my medication for the last few weeks. So this week I'm trying to take the B supplement at night while taking the other medication in the morning to see if that will help. I don't want to switch supplements again if I can help it, but if this doesn't improve I'll have to. Just kinda sucks is all.

My mother has been calling me every single day this week so far. Have to admit I'm getting a little annoyed with it, but I know why she has and so I'm casting my feelings aside. I know she's been feeling lonely and bored lately because she gets talkative when she hasn't been anywhere or talked to many people. Also her health appointments of course have had her concerned too. She had a follow-up with her dr yesterday which she was diagnosed with polymyalgia rheumatica. She's expected to be on low dose prednisone for a while now and now she'll have no choice but to keep routine checkups on her health given the possible secondary conditions associated with this.

 

[Phoenixx]

Holy shit what a month already. I've been crazy busy the last couple weeks and things definitely aren't slowing down anytime soon. By the time the month is over I'm going to be ready to just crawl in a hole to be left alone I think.

At the end of last week Willow had an unfortunate accident at home. Thankfully it happened right before Mr. Phoenixx got home so he was able to contact me as soon as possible. While we were at work, something spooked her that night when she was in her fenced-in area, and she busted through the glass door to the screened porch. (There was a pack of coyotes running through the area that night, I heard them when I got home, and we think that's what spooked her. There is no other evidence of anything or anyone in the yard or near her fenced in area.) There was glass and blood everywhere, her paw had gotten hung up on the broken glass on the door and she ended up with a deep laceration on her paw with bone showing. I ended up leaving work early that night and heading home. We tried bandaging her prior to leaving for the ER vet, but she wouldn't let us. She was in so much pain she got pretty snarly with us, poor girl. We put her crate in the van with an old blanket and left. She thankfully wasn't as hurt as she could've been. No broken bones, no glass in the wound, no other lacerations or injuries. She ended up with 3 severed tendons which the vet was going to let heal naturally as he was afraid doing surgery and "hunting" for them was going to make the injury worse. So she has inner and outer stitches, plus a splint, all wrapped up like a cast, complete with the collar of shame, and is on limited movement for the next 4 weeks, possibly more depending on her progress. Antibiotics, pain reliever, and relaxants galore during the first two weeks and possibly more as needed.

The last couple days have already been a challenge. She hates her meds and is outsmarting us when it's time to take them. We've tried a lot of things and so far the only thing that's worked is putting the pills in beef organ meats, peanut butter, and doing a training sesh so she thinks she's training and getting treats and not medicine. She's also pouting every single day she has to go out on a leash with her harness and medical bootie on and sometimes will even refuse to move outside and do her business like she's supposed to. Ugh. It's going to be a long 4 weeks of her acting like a toddler.

Meanwhile work has been... interesting. I'm not really sure what's going on, but something fishy is happening and I'm extremely disappointed, a little pissed off, and even a bit anxious. So the company has been "cleaning house" as a lot of the employees have called it. In the last month, a handful of new policy changes have been made and people have been getting slammed with write-ups or have been straight-out fired for the littlest stupid things. No one that I work with directly has been fired, but a few employees I work with got written up for stupid shit like not punching out for breaks. (They had a good excuse for this, as it was work related, but it didn't matter apparently.) In the other lab, a woman that had worked there for 7 years got fired for getting into a dumb argument with another coworker. That's it. Other employees in other departments that had gotten fired or suspended or written up were all for stupid safety things, like missing a step on a ladder. The company that treated us during the holidays has taken a complete 180 and is apparently trying to rule with an iron fist now. Why, I don't know. There are plant meetings this week which should be interesting that I hope will give an inkling of some insight as to what the hell is going on. I am worried though. I don't want to lose my job over a stupid mistake. I keep my head down and do my job, but I'm not perfect and still screw some simple things up from time to time, like forgetting to run a secondary test on something. Is it all the time though? No, but it happens. The way our society and workforce is right now, I wouldn't be surprised if employees start striking or trying to unionize if the company is going to continue this pattern out of the blue. I can't afford to lose this job. I enjoy working where I do, despite everything, I enjoy most of the people I work with and see every day, and I get paid damn well for what I do. I'm trying so hard to finally build up a decent savings, 401k, and actually enjoy my hobbies that I can afford now, especially without having to worry about student loans. I don't know what else I'd do if I lost this already.

If it wasn't for my Prozac I think I'd be a horrible anxious mess this year already. I'm surprised how well I'm handling everything so far this year. I'm not a nervous wreck, but the anxiety is still there. Just mostly muted. Maybe that's why I've been struggling with depression so hard. I can't be anxious as the meds won't let me, so I have to be in a funk instead. I just worked my way out of that funk from two weeks ago and I'm starting to feel myself slide back in because I feel like I can't catch a break.

P.S. - My mother is doing really well since her diagnosis a couple weeks back. I'm very happy she's been doing a lot of her own research and still keeping up on all her medical stuff. She even joined a Facebook support group for her condition and I think that's helped with her loneliness a lot. I've been learning things too from what she's told me so I hope she keeps this ball rolling for herself.

 

[Phoenixx]

This week started out a bit frustrating, but things are getting better. I'm mostly just in a mood all the time. I'm fed up with winter, fed up with feeling like I'm not making progress with anything in my life, fed up with being busy all the time, anxious about work and tired of working overtime, overall just tired of being tired.

It's taken me nearly a month to work up the courage to call local businesses to have someone over to obtain an estimate on how much it would cost to replace the windows upstairs. I'm trying not to be hard on myself about it as for one, a lot of the local businesses seem to suck, and two, there really aren't many businesses or contractors in my area that do window installation surprisingly enough. So my research has been difficult, but also admittedly I used it as an excuse to further procrastinate as well. I really wish it hadn't taken me so long. We would've been a bit further along on things if it wasn't for me being anxious about this whole thing. I bit the bullet yesterday and today though and I'm having a guy come over tomorrow morning and another guy coming on Saturday morning. Hopefully we can get some decent quotes and it won't be too costly. We'll see.

We're still making slow progress on everything. This weekend the new bathtub will be here so we'll finally have all our facilities ready to install. We already have our flooring picked up and ready to install as well. Once the bathroom is done, hopefully everything else will move along a bit quicker.

Willow is healing extremely well and next week she should be a free pupper and have her splint and bandage off entirely. Woo! If everything goes well, I'll be able to have the longest game of fetch with her because I know she'll love to do that since she hasn't played fetch in nearly 5 weeks now. She's currently zonked out on the dining room floor from our trip to the vet this afternoon. She was the goodest girl and managed to relax enough for them to change her bandage. Last time didn't go so well and they had to put her under anesthesia because she was so anxious.

Work has felt a bit better, but I never did figure out why the company was so hellbent on cleaning house. Nothing was mentioned at our quarterly meeting about any more drastic policy changes either. So I don't know. I'm still focusing on keeping my head down and doing my work as I always do. I did get my annual progress report from my supervisor yesterday though. Of course I'm doing well, but I need some retraining on a few testing procedures as my results still aren't all that accurate with those and I tend to rush through things. I appreciate that she's willing to fit in my schedule extra training so I can work on these things. Not sure about the rushing part though. I like to be a fast person and I have no patience taking my time with a lot of things.

Due to my mood recently I've been finding myself indulging in some retail therapy. Really just to take my mind off from everything in my life and out in the world right now. A temporary blissful ignorance. (Although I'm still keeping up with worldly news and I just really hope things de-escalate soon or else I'm positive we're going to be involved in another world war.)

Hobbies I've been wanting to get into are still out of reach financially -- looking at you photography and computer building -- and has left me feeling frustrated. So in the meantime I've still been gaming. I've been itching to get back into Xbox recently, despite not finishing PLA yet. They had a sale on some games this week on their online store, so I decided to get Dragon Age: Inquisition. The whole package was only $6, and yes I know it's like an 8 year old game. Never played it before though and it looks like it still holds up well even in 2022, so I'll give it a shot. Besides, if I don't like it, I only spent $6 so I won't feel so bad. I also started collecting Pokemon cards again. I took a shot at new English packs and... well, it was a waste of money. Thankfully I only bought a few packs, so instead I decided to try my hand at Japanese sets and they are A LOT better and so much more worth it! I know Pokemon isn't the cheapest hobby sometimes, but it's still a hell of a lot cheaper than the other two things I want to get into. Plus I can budget around this much better anyways, and a lot of my chase cards aren't super popular or all that expensive. Everyone can keep their 'Zards and 'Chus -- although admittedly some of their alt arts and promo cards are pretty lit. I'm more into collecting Eevee/Eeveelution cards (okay, also not that cheap recently and some cards I will never own because they're extremely rare and extremely expensive), as well as more not so popular 'mons like Azumarill and Bisharp. Someone needs to give them some love too.

So yeah to wrap up my February, it was pretty frustrating to say the least. I'm just glad it's March. I'm ready for better weather (hopefully) and brighter days.

 

[Phoenixx]

Spring is finally showing up here. Our last snowstorm over the weekend was pretty wicked, but it left as fast as it came in. By tomorrow all the snow should be melted and gone. I'm excited to see some grass and to tackle my list of outdoor projects that never got done last year. Hopefully this spring and summer will be less wet and humid than last year.

Number one on my list is to redo the runs for my chickens and ducks. My chickens are doing really well, but their run is so barren now, they need a good sprucing up. Last year I did up some blueprints of my own to how I want the runs to look, but didn't end up having time to tackle it with work being so busy. This year will hopefully be different and I can actually get something done.

My ducks on the other hand unfortunately aren't doing the best. It was our first year raising them and we've learned a lot and are still learning. We could've done a lot better winterizing them, but we really didn't know how to even despite all the studying up I did. Trial and error, and now I know what I want to do next year to make it better.

I mean, my ducks are still doing well, they're laying every day and eating and drinking plenty, but they could be doing better. They all definitely have wet feather, but because we winterized them in our old goat barn they haven't been chilled or anything which is good. But some of them also have missing feathers along their head, which I'm not sure is due to the wet feather or if they're actually molting. They had access to buckets of water, but they really just made a mess of it and quit fully bathing/preening themselves, which I still don't quite understand. I think the water wasn't warm enough honestly. So they're all going to get proper baths once I get their house and run set back up in the next week or two.

Willow is also now a free pupper. She got her bandages and splint off last Thursday and got the final okay to run around and be her hyper self again. She's still not using her paw 100% of the time, but every day she uses it a little bit more. This is expected and will take some time for her to get used to actually using it again and to build up her muscle mass in her leg since she was bandaged and not using it for so long. I still owe her a long game of fetch. I definitely plan to either tomorrow or Thursday when it's 60+ degrees and all the snow is gone.

Work has been getting on my nerves with people, in case that wasn't noticeable in my last few posts. Management is still making changes and continues to foster a petty environment. I'm still keeping my head down at this rate and just talking to others briefly and basically just trying to be a decent human being while still doing my job. Other departments changed their schedules to 12-hr days recently so people can have every other weekend off. They're talking about doing this change to my department too and honestly I hope they do it. Right now we all work 6 days straight, 8 hours per day, with the occasional 12-hr day if needed (I worked a 12-hr shift two days ago -- 2pm - 2am; still not recovered from lack of sleep), and have rotating 2 days off until it gets to our weekend (which takes 5 - 6 weeks), then we get a 3-day weekend. (There are 3 shifts total) With the new schedule, you would work at most 3 days straight of 12-hr shifts, then have 2 days off, work 2 days of 12-hr shifts, have 2 days off. Rinse and repeat. Every other weekend is a 3-day weekend and every week you're either working a total of 48 hours or 36 hours. Only two shifts, third shift is eliminated. I would MUCH rather have this schedule as it gives you more recovery time and it'll be nice actually being able to enjoy a weekend more often. I'll also get to see Mr. Phoenixx more often on this schedule too. Plus there will be more people with each shift and at least 2 people per job position so you're not the only one doing 12 hours of work. Unfortunately I'll probably be put to the night shift on this schedule, which will be difficult, but I think I could probably make it work somehow. I would also have to set up dog sitting services for Willow again, and given her timidity with other people and not having someone new watch her for close to 2 years now, that'll also be a bit of a learning curve with her again.

Of course the people in my department who don't want this change are first shift, which is the golden shift anyways. They're the employees with the most seniority, have the least amount of work to do because of the timing of production, rarely ever work overtime, and have more people on that shift than any other shift which makes zero sense. The amount of complaints I hear about how much work they get in the morning sometimes is astounding to me because their workload is no where close to what my coworkers and I do on 2nd shift, even moreso on 3rd shift when there's only 2 - 3 people. It's absolute bullshit. I am hoping that management doesn't decide to take their complaints as the majority. The majority of the people I work with on 2nd, plus the ones on 3rd want the schedule change. I certainly hope we get to hear soon whether they're going to make the change or not. It's been in the talks for 2 months now. It's time to make a decision already instead of making us wait.

 

[Phoenixx]

I had a shit day yesterday. Had an internal meltdown at work in god knows how long. Thankfully I was in the other lab so I didn't have to see too many people because I just mentally could not handle it.

There's been stupid shit going on in my department recently. Very petty childish behavior that I'm just about over and sick of listening to and witnessing. Yesterday was my first day back after my 3-day weekend. The weather was beautiful and I was in a good mood. As soon as I walked into work my supervisor wanted to see me. Well, shit. I already know what this is about, let's hope it goes over well.

There's a dumb blame game going on between third shift and second shift (my shift) with things apparently not being done in the evening before third shift comes in. I can't speak for a majority of the time what happens in that main lab because more often than not I'm working by myself in the other lab. Last week was the first week in months I was actually in the main lab nearly the whole week. Some days were harder than others with testing samples, but otherwise things went pretty smoothly. Or so I thought.

A couple of my coworkers got set aside and talked to about complaints from third shift and was asked questions about what's been going on. Again, stupid shit. They were pissed, as they should've been honestly. They immediately asked me if I was talked to and obviously I hadn't been.

Yesterday when I saw my supervisor she talked to me about what's been going on and also asked me how the shift had been going. I explained to her everything that happened last week that I could remember. Someone on third shift bitched about me leaving a couple samples from 8pm a couple nights in a row because they thought I set it aside for them to do because I didn't want to do it. Seriously? This is what we run to supervisors about now? Are we in elementary school? Do we need to call our parents and cry on the phone about it too? I told my supervisor the obvious -- I didn't run them because they were least priority. Certain samples are prioritized because certain tests take longer. If someone had asked me why something didn't get ran I would've told them exactly what happened. I'm not going to do an RV sample or AF sample between 8 and 10pm if I have a dozen other samples that need my attention first. If those two samples end up getting left for third shift, so be it.

My supervisor is a really nice person and not once was rude about this whole thing, not that expected her to be. I could tell she didn't even want to bring this shit up or even address it because it's ridiculous. Even openly admitted this was like other people throwing each under the bus and was stupid. Also the fact that I was the last person she talked to about it is also a good sign because she knows I'm not really involved in whatever this petty bullshit is. But despite all that, this whole encounter ruined my day. It was the only thing I could think about the entire day. I made so many mistakes on paperwork yesterday because I just could not focus. Accidentally knocked over and dumped a sample all over the floor too because I couldn't focus. Hell I'm still fixated on it even this morning, hence why I'm writing this out hoping I could at least give my mind some clearance.

I'm tired. My brain is tired. I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted. I'm so drained that I haven't even eaten yet today and can't really bring myself to. If I had a bunch of sick time banked, I would take a mental health day today. But I don't. I mean, technically I still could, but I don't want anyone to have to fill in for me that shouldn't have to. I'll tough it out today and maybe it'll be a better day anyways.

 

[Phoenixx]

Feeling pretty overwhelmed the last few days. I know part of it is my PMDD as it's around that time of the month again. I've been waking up with 5am anxiety again too, which is annoying since I haven't had any of those episodes since leveling off with the Prozac back in October.

I've just had a lot on my mind lately. I feel like I'm constantly waiting for things. Waiting for work to make their decision on this stupid schedule change. I hate that it's taking so long. Either do it or don't. I know there's a lot of planning and cross-training to be done if they do go through with it, but I wish they would just make a freaking decision already. Also waiting to see how much more gas and food prices will be climbing. Waiting to see how world events are going to play out. Waiting for the next step in our reconstruction upstairs. (Currently waiting on windows to come in. A few more weeks left before they arrive.) Just waiting, waiting, waiting.

The spending this month has seriously sucked and has me worrying about funds for the rest of the year. It was inevitable, but still. Gas prices are not helping either. Got our taxes done a couple weeks ago and I had to pay into the state for the first time. Because you know, they didn't take enough of my overtime from last year. The grocery bill has sucked too as prices keep climbing. Thankfully we're able to offset this a lot living in a rural area and able to get our meat from local farms and family, and I have my chicken and ducks that give me plenty of eggs. But fresh produce has sucked. I haven't been buying much fresh produce as the prices are crap. I've been buying a lot of frozen, but it isn't always the same. Of course I want to have a garden to help keep costs down as well, but if this summer is going to be anything like last neither of us will have time to tend to one and the weather is going to suck anyway. Regardless I'm still going to try. I just won't be planting as much that's for sure. I really need to make an effort to go out to all the local farmer's markets too this year. That will help a lot as well.

Given the costs of everything I'm worried about having to take shortcuts with the upstairs construction. I know we set aside the money for that in particular, but with the costs of everything rising again, it just has me worried that we won't be able to accomplish what we want to or we'll have to put it on hold. I really don't want to have to stop and wait.

All this worrying has been keeping me from getting other things done and so the cycle starts of me feeling guilty for not getting something done that I could've done because I'm too caught up in my head but I still can't make the moves to get things done because I'm too overwhelmed.

 

[Phoenixx]

Our shop cat passed away last night/early this morning sometime. When I went outside this morning, she wasn't around which isn't too unusual on a nice day as she was always up early ready to start the day outside. But then when I didn't see a trace of her come the afternoon I knew something was wrong. I looked for her with Willow but didn't find her. Mr. Phoenixx looked for her when he got home from work this evening and found her on the other side of the yard next to the creek. She's not normally down that far, so I didn't think to look and I don't know what compelled her to go there. But there were no signs of trauma, wounds, nothing. It seems she passed from natural causes -- my guess is heart attack. Yesterday while I was at work and Mr. Phoenixx was home, he said she didn't do much but sleep and eat. On a cold day this isn't unusual for her, but I guess she seemed mopey too and just lethargic. I didn't know and he didn't think anything was wrong. I'm sad. She wasn't that old, that I know of, but she was a young senior about 10 years old. She didn't have any signs of heart problems at her last checkup, she received heartworm preventatives seasonally, and our neighbor doesn't use any rodent poisons that we know of either. She was always a chunky girl so I don't know if that contributed to anything.

I'm relieved that she didn't get attacked by anything -- as that was my first worry when I knew something was wrong, even though she's never roamed too far and other threats aren't hardly ever in our yard. Plus she almost always stayed in at night. A part of me is happy that she got to live every day of the last two years of her life doing what she loved -- she had a whole shop to herself, her own heater, her own bed, her own personal door to the shop, and woods, creek, and trails to roam. We treated her like a queen and we hadn't had a single rodent problem in the shop (or even in our attic actually) since the day we adopted her.

Prior to us adopting her, she spent 3 years in a shelter where no one wanted her, even as an adoptable working cat. She didn't greet people much, she couldn't be a house cat because she had too much of a wild side (hence why she was offered as a working cat), and she hated other cats. The day we saw her, she came up to us and I remember the volunteer telling us about her that there wasn't much history, she came to them as an outdoor cat someone had found, her age was merely a guesstimate, she seemed to only love dogs, and she wasn't much of a people person. She must've suspected something with us because she came right up to us and gave us leg rubs and let us pet her and the volunteer was a little surprised she did that on her own. As soon as we were told she was there for 3 years I knew we had to take her. Because if we didn't, after she put herself out there for us, no one would.

I'm really going to miss her.

 

[Phoenixx]

Been struggling with depression pretty bad this past week. Between the PMDD and now the grieving, all I want to do is lay around and sleep. I'm still forcing myself to get things done, but when I'm not doing anything I find myself mindlessly scrolling through apps on my phone or watching YouTube to kill time and temporarily ignore the emptiness. Nothing even interests me right now. I abruptly quit DA: I, not that I wasn't having fun with it, but I now have zero interest in even picking up a controller. Reorganized my Pokemon card collection the other day, hoping that would spark something, but no go. I just feel bad for spending money. I started some spring cleaning yesterday and have a couple boxes of stuff sitting around that need to go to donation bins, but I can't manage to bring myself to do that either. So they'll just sit around in my bedroom for god knows how long.

I just really hate feeling like this. I was feeling like this prior to what happened Monday, and Monday was just the nail in the coffin for me. I'm sick of working 6 days straight and not seeing my husband and barely talking to him until our days off. I hate having to wait 5 - 6 weeks before having a weekend off with him. I'm so tired of waiting around to be able to do the things I want to do due to reasons outside of my control. I'm just stuck in this rut and don't know how to get out of it right now.

 

[PugofCrydee]

Been struggling with depression pretty bad this past week. Between the PMDD and now the grieving, all I want to do is lay around and sleep. I'm still forcing myself to get things done, but when I'm not doing anything I find myself mindlessly scrolling through apps on my phone or watching YouTube to kill time and temporarily ignore the emptiness. Nothing even interests me right now. I abruptly quit DA: I, not that I wasn't having fun with it, but I now have zero interest in even picking up a controller. Reorganized my Pokemon card collection the other day, hoping that would spark something, but no go. I just feel bad for spending money. I started some spring cleaning yesterday and have a couple boxes of stuff sitting around that need to go to donation bins, but I can't manage to bring myself to do that either. So they'll just sit around in my bedroom for god knows how long.

I just really hate feeling like this. I was feeling like this prior to what happened Monday, and Monday was just the nail in the coffin for me. I'm sick of working 6 days straight and not seeing my husband and barely talking to him until our days off. I hate having to wait 5 - 6 weeks before having a weekend off with him. I'm so tired of waiting around to be able to do the things I want to do due to reasons outside of my control. I'm just stuck in this rut and don't know how to get out of it right now.

Hang in there girl *hugs*

 

[Phoenixx]

I'm finally starting to come out of this depressive flunk one week later. It helped a lot that yesterday and today, being my days off from work, we had beautiful warm spring weather. I spent as much time as I could outside yesterday and today doing various things -- cleaned my car mats, did laundry and actually hung it outside to dry, did a deep clean on the smoker and actually used it today for the first time since fall (made an awesome pork roast!), cleaned up the flower beds a bit, and got in a few long games of fetch with Willow to burn off some of that spring fever energy. I did a lot of cooking and baking today and yesterday too which helped me feel better. Ah, comfort food.

We also suddenly adopted a new shop cat (kitten) on Sunday. We were definitely not expecting to take one in so soon, and we were planning on going back to the shelter where we had originally gotten our previous working cat, but an opportunity was presented to us and it felt right. A friend of my father-in-law's, his wife, found an abandoned kitten near their house back in February. Poor thing was just dumped off there, as is common in rural areas with some of these shitty people. Anyways, wife got ahold of her after trying for a week and kept her in their (heated) shop. Took her to the vet as soon as she could, litter trained her, gave her toys, new bed, everything. The vet predicted at the time this young cat was around 6 months old, although she looks pretty small. She got dewormed, rabies shot, and set up immediately for a spay appointment through the SPCA near our house of all places. Wife wasn't planning on keeping her, just making her comfortable until she found the right home, but the last two months never found anyone that wanted her. Of course that's where we came in. Father-in-law asked us about it, talked to them about it, and we all agreed to take her in. We offered to pay them for the lengths they went to take care of this kitty, but they refused. They were just happy she was going to a new nice place where she'll be taken care of.

She's quite small if her age is what it is. For 6 - 8 months, she still looks like a kitten to me and not an adolescent cat. Then again, the one cat I grew up with that my mom still has (at now 20 years old!) has always stayed small and petite, never weighing more than around 10 lbs at her heaviest. So maybe that is the case with this little girl too. I'm just a little worried about stunted growth since she was abandoned so young. She definitely still has a bit of a feral side and is extremely timid. Everyday has been a little bit better, coming out of hiding a little more with every encounter. She has already started to warm up to us though and has quite the motor! She purrs so loud for a little thing lol. She's eating a lot everyday and she still looks (and feels) thin to me, so I'm feeding her plenty of kibble, wet food, and treats everyday right now. To get into the gross side of things, her poop looks fine and I haven't seen any other indications of worms again, so I don't think she's losing weight. I really just think she has catching up to do growth-wise. Her spay appointment is at the end of this month, so she'll get another look over while there and hopefully things will be good. As soon as her spay is done, I'll get her an appointment with my regular cat vet and maybe get a second opinion about her age too.

No pics or anything yet. She's still in hiding 90% of the time, but things are improving a little everyday. Mr. Phoenixx has taken to naming her Gypsy, because she's good at hiding and quite sneaky lol. She's warmed up to him faster than to me, but I'm cool with that. I'm glad he likes her and she likes him. She likes me too, but man if she doesn't start to come right out and purr when he's around. I love it that she feels so secure with him already.

 

[Phoenixx]

Been having a bit of a.... what should I say? Not a dire existential crisis, but a sense of "Holy shit I'm almost 30 and I haven't done [any of these things]," this week.

It's the last year of my 20s and I can't help but think about all the things I haven't done that I wanted to do. I don't know why I'm feeling like I won't have plenty more years to do some of these things, or the fact that I realize that some of the things I wanted to achieve I probably won't ever achieve. I guess I aimed for some of these goals when I started my 20s and expected to achieve them by now. Like getting a tattoo, more piercings, having closer friendships and family, travelling more, engaging in other hobbies, having the ability and confidence to actually do these things on my own. I guess a part of me is also disappointed with how things have turned out too. I didn't end up doing the career I thought I was going to do. I like what I'm doing now but management at my job is really starting to get to me and I'm trying my hardest not to fuck this up for myself because we need the money and benefits. I'm still not the hobby photographer I've always wanted to be because I still don't have the money. I haven't travelled much in the last few years thanks to covid and jobs and this year isn't looking much better at the moment. I'm not as close with as many friends as I used to be and that's really disappointing and I don't know how to change it. I figured I'd be better with my social anxiety by now, and in some ways I am, but I feel like I regressed in other ways a bit. I've come to understanding myself better, with the health issues and mental challenges I have, but I still feel there's a missing piece and I don't know if I'll ever figure it out. (Might make a separate post on this in the future as it's been something weighing on my mind recently.) I thought I'd have better relationships with my family but honestly I think they got worse.

While I have a much better relationship with my mom than I did growing up, that's really the only good relationship I have with my family. My dad barely exists and my brother and I don't talk all that much either. I stupidly thought that getting married would give me a good extended family of in-laws and boy was I naive about that. I love my nieces and nephews but rarely get to see them. SIL's family practically doesn't exist in anyone's lives except for her parents and they never go out of their way to visit or talk with anyone. His maternal grandparents couldn't give two shits about women in general. Conversations are always one-sided to the men and the women are mere accessories sitting idly by as they converse. My in-laws used to be quite social with me, but that all changed 2 years ago mostly thanks to his dad. Now they barely talk to me, his father definitely doesn't go out of his way to even say two words to me anymore. So I quit trying as well. The only two people that go out of their way to even maintain a relationship anymore is my BIL and his paternal grandmother, but even then we don't get to see them very often.

My BIL was the only one who wished me a happy birthday yesterday via text. My in-laws came over the other day and dropped off a birthday gift. I saw them pull in the driveway so I went outside to greet them, FIL stayed in the truck and MIL handed me the gift, said, "Hi! We're just dropping off and leaving." and that was it. I literally said, "Oh okay thank you!" before she was back in the truck and they left. It was so weird to me. But whatever. I didn't text them a thank you. Had husband do it for me since they will text him back regularly.

My birthday came and went yesterday in a blur and didn't get to celebrate on the actual day. I was expecting it, especially since I had to work an extended shift. I ended up mainly celebrating the day before anyways. I had dinner with my mom, my brother, and Mr. Phoenixx, which I really enjoyed. Earlier in the day I got the Pokemon cards I ordered for myself in the mail and had a fun time opening those. Vmax Climax is such a fire booster set. Man, I would love another to open, but honestly I think I'll just save up to get a set of the character rares I want instead. I also made an appointment to get my hair done, but unfortunately the hairdresser was sick so I had to reschedule for next Friday. Our contractor ended up having to come yesterday too to finish up the windows upstairs, and since I had to work, Mr. Phoenixx and I did a raincheck on what he wanted to do for my birthday for next weekend when I'm off. I'm completely fine with that.

All in all, a good celebration, just a crappy actual birthday. Meh, it's whatever.

 

[Hoth]

Wow, you're not even 30? I'd assumed from all the things you've talked about doing and achieving in your life that you were in your 40s (career and marriage and owning a house and a lot of land and pets and all).

I didn't even start trying to live until 29. 29 was the oldest I've ever felt though and I think it was that crushing sense of feeling old that year that finally motivated me to start taking occasional risks and dipping toes into things socially. Something psychologically strong about the first decade of adulthood ending, can't tell yourself you're just getting started anymore. Fortunately 30 felt a lot younger since I was just getting started on my 30s.

Happy day after day after birthday!

 

[Phoenixx]

Wow, you're not even 30? I'd assumed from all the things you've talked about doing and achieving in your life that you were in your 40s (career and marriage and owning a house and a lot of land and pets and all).

I didn't even start trying to live until 29. 29 was the oldest I've ever felt though and I think it was that crushing sense of feeling old that year that finally motivated me to start taking occasional risks and dipping toes into things socially. Something psychologically strong about the first decade of adulthood ending, can't tell yourself you're just getting started anymore. Fortunately 30 felt a lot younger since I was just getting started on my 30s.

Happy day after day after birthday!

Honestly if it wasn't for my husband I still wouldn't have any of these things at this age. Or at least not most of them. I mean, I know we both have worked towards these things, but his financial situation has made a lot of this happen. Not mine, his. I know I complain about his job a lot, but it has helped us out a ton and keeps us working towards what we want. There's just a lot of other barriers that we end up having to work around because of it.

I hear you though. I feel like I'm now getting a fire lit under me like, "Hey you're not getting any younger! Let's achieve those goals you set for yourself a decade ago!" I just have this nagging fear though that I'll still never achieve everything I want because of my anxiety. And I hate that, and it's always a struggle to try to get around it, you know? Even though the Prozac helps, it's not a cure obviously. There's still that wall I always have trouble climbing. Not to mention the constant anxiety around money too and the current state of the economy. Ugh I know, I worry too much, but worrying is what keeps me surviving haha. Always planning for the ultimate worst case scenario!

Anyways, thanks for the birthday wish!

 

[Phoenixx]

Finally on one weekend off. I've been looking forward to this, I just hope the weather holds up better for the next two days. It's been a cold rainy day here today. I was out of the house for half the day though, and surprisingly where I went was pretty busy for how the weather was. But I got through it all okay. I went to my hair appointment and had to park one block away and walk to the salon. Didn't manage to feel too anxious walking down the street by myself. I was also the only client in the salon today too, so I actually really enjoyed that. But I still managed to have awkward exchanges which I'm still kicking myself for. I hate trying to describe what I want done, and yes I showed pictures, but then she started asking me about what exactly I wanted and using hair coloring terms and I had no idea what to even say. I feel like every girl in the world got handed a beauty manual except for me, ugh. I asked her what she thought how we should approach the color I wanted and I went with her advice. It didn't turn out bad at all, I really like it, but I just hated the awkward exchanges I had. At the end of the appointment I thought we were going to schedule for the 2nd part of the color and thought it would be next week. I also didn't realize the payment for today was just for today's appointment. So yeah, once again, that was a very awkward exchange and she ended up apologizing for the price even though I wasn't insulted by it or anything. But of course my face must've shown something. Anyways it's my fault. I don't understand how any of these processes work. She is a very nice person otherwise and I really like her. She's good and I'm sure I'll stick with this salon, even though it's a bit on the pricey side. I just hope my next appointment goes smoother socially.

I also met up with a friend today and talked with her for a little bit. Her daughter was with her making a fuss so we didn't talk too long, but that's okay since I had to get home too. It was just a quick meet up, no friend date or anything. I feel bad I haven't been keeping in touch with her like I should be. Truth is, a part of me has had trouble accepting how much she's changed in the last few years. She ended up with a guy I really did not like and still to this day do not trust. She ended up marrying him and having a kid with him. Things I didn't want her to do with him, and I expressed this and how I felt prior to any of it happening, but it's what she wanted. It's been 3 - 4 years now, I need to get over it. She's happy and that's what matters. And despite all this, and knowing how I feel about her husband, she still likes to talk to me and continues to reach out. I need to be doing the same more often. I still care about her a lot, it's just hard knowing a friend of yours is with the kind of guy that you despise so much that seeing him makes your blood boil.

Something I didn't post about last week because I didn't want to weigh myself down with the details again is the update on my mother's health. She ended up right back in the doctor's office a couple weeks ago with afib again. They didn't have to rush her to the hospital this time though, but they did do an extended evaluation. Previously where they diagnosed her with polymyalgia, they revisited this conclusion and did some literal poking and prodding and have since diagnosed her with fibromyalgia instead of the other. That's somewhat good news, as fibromyalgia is not an autoimmune disorder like polymyalgia is, but it's still a chronic pain condition. She's back on steroids once again to assist with the inflammation, but will be weaning off AGAIN shortly. This up and down dosages of the prednisone will not be good long-term, so I'm trying to help her now nutritionally. I dug out my nutrition textbooks and did some research on this and sent her some recommended guidelines for fibromyalgia. Gonna try to get her to do things one step at a time and see if she can reduce some of this inflammation. So far she's complete cut out caffeine since her doctor recommended it anyways -- as does the text I have -- and she's started taking a multivitamin for her age group. She's also taking calcium and magnesium per her dr's orders for the muscle spasms and arthritis, but I also would like her on a combo supplement that has zinc as well. The three combined just really help with not just bone health, but inflammation and immune health too. Once she's on track with all this, I'd like to get her on fish oil and then finally some biotin because the prednisone (and probably the stress from all of this) is making her hair thin and fall out. I have some dietary changes I'd like her to make too, but we'll get to that in time. She's already doing some stuff on her own which is good. I just really hope she sticks with it. That's the thing with her, she never sticks with anything and it bothers me. In a way I hope this diagnosis will make her realize that she needs to do these lifestyle changes, that she has the ability to do so, and once she does I think it will help her A TON. Medication is great and necessary, but so is your dietary health.

Anyways, definitely looking forward to the weekend. If the weather holds up I'll do some landscaping tomorrow. I've been dying to get the front yard and the side flower beds looking decent. Mr. Phoenixx is taking me out to get new boots tomorrow too, so I'm definitely looking froward to that little post-birthday spoilage lol. Sunday we'll be visiting our mothers and no idea what we're doing at either of those places. His mom will probably put together a last minute meal or something if the other kids show up. My mom has no plans and didn't even care about celebrating the holiday, but she's been having some hard weeks with her health so I'm definitely getting her some flowers I think while I'm out tomorrow. That'll make her happy.

 

[Phoenixx]

Haven't posted in a while because I honestly haven't been in the mood to post much of anything. I'm doing okay, life's just been busier than normal. I'm currently sick right now. I took an at-home covid test and it came back negative, but I'm wondering if I should do it again if I feel worse tomorrow. I've felt like hot garbage all day. No fever, but my throat's been on fire all day, lymphnodes swollen, and my sinuses full. All I want to do is sleep and drink cold fluids. Haven't had a cold since September so I suppose I was due for one.

My parents and brother ended up all getting covid last week. Thankfully I did not visit them then or right before. Sucks the whole household got sick, but they all pulled through and are doing well.

I got my garden all planted before this crud hit me. I did a few things different this year, so fingers crossed things work out and I actually get a good harvest this year.

Still have not gotten the rest of my hair done because I had some other things to pay for first. Sterling had a minor tooth surgery a couple weeks ago that ended up being bigger than anticipated. He had an infected tooth way in the back of his mouth, except it spread to six other teeth instead of just the one and they didn't realize it until they actually went in and looked at his mouth. It surprised me because he had zero symptoms of it even bothering him. No swelling and it didn't impact his eating any. So that cost ended up being bigger than anticipated, and a whole week of gentle TLC. But he bounced back quickly and is doing great. I suspect it's a genetic thing. Some cats just don't win the genetic lottery with their teeth and Sterling I think is one of them unfortunately.

So yeah, life is still the same for me. Work is still work. Boring, annoying at times, but otherwise comfortable and basic and it pays the bills. I at least have a trip to the Catskills coming up at the middle of this month I am very much looking forward to and praying my boss approves my time off for it soon. Regardless if she doesn't I'll be calling in sick that weekend. It's pretty sad I have to plan on using my sick time just to get time off to attend functions for friends or family in case I'm not allowed to have it off because of stupid reasons. (And this coming from someone who only uses vacation time once a year and rarely ever calls in unless I'm actually really sick or have an emergency.) A friend of mine I haven't seen since my own wedding four years ago is finally having her wedding after getting eloped in 2020. I'm excited to see her, and excited to travel to that area as I've never been to that side of the state, nor have I even traveled anywhere new since covid happened. It should be a fun weekend.

 

[Phoenixx]

(Splitting this up into two parts because I actually went past the character limit for posts. Woops.) Part 1

I’ve been wanting to make this post for a while now, but 1) haven’t had much time to sit down and actually do it, and 2) I’ve been a little apprehensive in doing so because I don’t want it to come across like I’m seeking attention or I guess being kind of hypochondriac about it? Not really sure how to explain the apprehension, but it’s there. Regardless though, I want to make this post because it’s been something that’s been knocking around in my head for a while and has me considering for a long time.

I’ve been doing quite a bit of research on neurodiversity recently – for the past month plus or so. Let me start off by saying that I believe both my brother and I are definitely neurodivergent. He most certainly is, as he is dyslexic and also has palilalia, which is a speech disorder similar to echolalia except the speaker is repeating their own words or phrases rather than repeating someone else’s words or phrases. My mother is also neurodivergent because she is epileptic. Epilepsy has only recently been considered a neurodivergent disorder in the same realm as tourette’s, add/adhd, asperger’s/autism, etc. I really haven’t done as much research on that in particular, as I am curious what it is about it that qualifies it as such. Not denying it, not disagreeing with it, just curious. A topic I will have to study up on more sometime when I have the brainpower, energy, and time to do so.

But I am not epileptic. I am not dyslexic, I don’t have dyscalculia or dysgraphia either. I don’t have ocd or tourette’s or any speech disorders. So what makes me neurodivergent? Honestly, I think I may be on the autism spectrum.

I don't remember when exactly I came to this suspicion of possibly being on the spectrum, but I recall in my research certain things in my past and even currently that matched up to what I’ve read and it really all just clicked and made me realize I think this is the reason for ALL of my issues -- the depression, the social anxiety, the general anxiety, the gut issues, the food intolerances, being an HSP (highly sensitive person), etc. etc.

I have taken quite a handful of online quizzes for autism, specially ones found on Embrace Autism, and with every quiz I take the results seem to put me on the very edge of the spectrum or just past that fine line of neurodiverse and neurotypical. I have also looked into symptom checklists, especially for females, for autism and I fit a lot of them as well. Am I now labeling myself as an autistic person? No. But at the very least I am starting to consider myself neurodivergent. I think that’s a fitting description without a proper diagnosis, especially since given my medical history there’s a slightly higher chance of me being so.

While researching I found this interesting list of risk factors for autism from Healthline. I won’t list them all here but two that stood out to me were:

• Low birth weight: I was born prematurely at a very low birth weight; back in the 90s doctors weren’t sure if I’d survive or if I did, if I wouldn’t have other developmental disabilities. I guess they weren’t totally wrong about that last part as I was a sickly kid growing up between asthma, GI issues, and food and environmental allergies and intolerances that all still affect me to this day.
• Fetal exposure to valproic acid or thalidomide: These are anti-convulsants which are found in seizure medications. My mother has been on various seizure medications nearly her whole life, the one she took the longest that I remember as a kid was Depakote. I believe this is what she took when she was pregnant with my brother and with me.

I believe that last one may also be the cause for some of my brother’s disabilities too. No one that I know of in either my mom or my dad’s families have any learning disabilities, communication disabilities, or autism. Mental issues for sure, but no other disabilities.

So what is it about me that makes me neurodivergent? I’ve always known I was different. Even as a kid I knew I was different and wasn’t like other kids even though I tried to play with others and still did so rather successfully. I was never a kid to make up imaginary friends or imaginary worlds though. Everything I played with or loved had to be based on some sort of reality. While I loved playing imaginary games, they had to be based on more "realistic" experiences. So, setting up shop and being a shopkeeper, crawling around the house under furniture hiding from my parents and being "sneaky" like I was an intruder in my own home lol, building with legos and creating city-like environments complete with parking lots with my brother's hot wheels and matchbox cars. One set of toys I absolutely loved and was obsessed with, and I still have them because nostalgia and I love seeing my nephews and nieces play with them now too, are all my animal figurines. I have a bunny family I played with, puppy in my pocket and dog houses, even horses and barns. Hell I had a dollhouse that I never used for dolls but for my animal families. I would set up scenes as in real families but using my collection of dogs or zoo animals. Keyword here: setting up. I could never actually play a whole imaginary game from my head. I can't explain it, but as much as I loved the imaginary setting and setting these up, I never actually made up a whole story or anything. I couldn't.

Which then brings me to school. I never liked a lot of the activities they had for preschool, kindergarten, and the younger grades. There's a few in particular that stand out to me: one time in preschool I remember it being around Thanksgiving and we made paper turkeys and native american headbands out of paper too and such, and there was some weird dancing activity with music. All the kids participated except for me. I didn't understand it. Why were we doing this? We're not Native American. I hate dancing because I don't know how or what's going on. I was so confused by everything and I thought it was weird how all the kids were able to enjoy themselves. I stood there holding a teacher's hand watching everyone else.

I also remember in first grade we had an assignment where we had to make up a monster, draw it, and then write a short story about it. I absolutely loathed activities like this. I couldn't think of a single thing. I remember struggling so bad with this assignment and I was the last kid to turn it in. I loved drawing and I loved coloring, but making stuff up was always a challenge for me. I don't even remember what I eventually ended up drawing or writing about. But I do remember hating the outcome compared to everyone else. It seemed like all these kids had colorful imaginations, but not me. I also hated that this kind of stuff was graded for school. Like, what? I'm going to be punished because my brain can't seem to work like everyone else's?

It wasn’t unusual for me to be labeled as “extremely shy” and having “no imagination” because I didn’t like these kinds of activities. I mean, I was a very shy individual anyways deep down, but I hated being labeled with “no imagination”. I have an imagination, just not one that could ever think whimsically or outside the box.

There were other similar activities throughout my years in elementary school just like this that I hated too. Writing short stories took me forever and gave me so much anxiety because I couldn't think of anything. This is probably why as a kid I was weird and liked book reports and research reports and such better because I was writing about something that existed, something that I read and studied about an/or actually experienced and could give an opinion on. Hell I'm still like that.

I also hated the mandatory chorus classes where I refused to participate because I hated singing because I couldn't sing. Still can't but I try, and only alone in my car with the windows up and only when I'm feeling really good.