Kid Almost Didn’t get Icecream Cause of Her SA

[R3K]

I work at a drug store that has an ice cream concession stand built in, and was serving customers when a man and his 7 or 8 year old daughter came up. I rarely see kids with SA, but having been one myself I can spot one easily. He was saying even before they got to the counter—you have to order it yourself, I’m not gonna order it for you… and by looking at her appearance/demeanor and all that, how she was hanging behind him and being all shyish, I could tell she was quite social phobic.

Anyway, the man orders his ice cream and when we get to her she’s still too shy to say anything, and he says to me—sorry she’s not like this all the time, she talks a lot at home… I said—don’t worry, I was the same way when I was her age (still am, actually)… Then he procedes to the threatening stage, telling her if she doesn’t order her ice cream in 2 seconds then she doesn’t get anything. And I’m thinking, wow this guy has no clue what his daughter’s going through. I already knew what flavor she wanted cause I heard her whispering it to her dad to order for her, but he wouldn’t offically let the order be “sent” to me, which put me in an awkward position.

Finally I leaned over the counter and looked her in the eye and said with as nice a smile as I could—what flavor would you like, I bet it’s Chocolate Malted Krunch huh?... and she nodded then I proceded to give her the ice cream.

I wanted to lecture the clueless father on the condition her daughter potentially had though, tell him to go google or webmd social anxiety disorder or something. I know I always wanted to know what was wrong with me when I was a kid, wanted my parents to know too so they would stop bluntly thrusting me into socially anxious situations. But then I thought, would it even help if I educated him on it? What if he went into denial mode, or just scoffed it as something insignificant?

Seems like children with SA are screwed when it comes to getting their parents apprised of their condition. I spent ten years beating it into my dad’s head with articles printed on the internet, showing him videos, even books before he finally acknowledged that I wasn’t making it all up. I wish SA had been discovered when I was a kid and someone would have noticed it in me and suggested to my parents that I had it. If nothing else it would have erased that constant alien-ness I felt all the time, knowing that there was a name for it and possibly cures. Maybe I should have said something to the girl's father?

Anyway, just an interesting story I thought I’d share. First time starting a post, yay!

 

[missjesss]

The poor little girl I feel sorry for her I personally don't understand social phobia from a young age as mine developed in my teens bcoz of constant disapproval and critisism ... I think you should have said something to her dad but then again if he's something like my dad he wud have shut u down. At least we r caring ppl

 

[MsBuzzkillington]

I am not sure if she has SA, a lot kids are timid.

I feel like if my mom pushed me more to take chances, I wouldn't be like this.

I have always been a quiet kid... I always hid behind my mom when we were around groups of people. I never wanted to talk, I would sometimes cry and not want to go to school. And my mom always let me go home, or always let me take a few hours off. And look where I am now... Still hiding away in my apartment, not going into the outside world. So much "being a good mom" did.

But, some kids are just quiet. Some people are just born introverts. There isn't anything wrong with that.

But to be honest, I applaud the father for trying to push his daughter out of her comfort zone. She is NEVER going to learn that it's OKAY to be talkative in public, and the world isn't as scary as it seems, if he just lets her hide away at home and not talk to anyone. In my opinion, he is being a good parent. She needs to learn how to function in public, and learn that if she wants ice cream, she's going to have to go out there, face her fears and get it.

 

[Falkor]

I feel sorry for the gurl too, it´s sad that her dad is pushing her so much. That must be hard for her. But you know, it´s good if she do it, somehow. Because she will learn alot from it, for her future. To just ´´face it´´. But still, her dad should not react like that. I can see that in my dad too, When my SA just got worse I wanted to buy a MP3, we were driving to the mall and I couldn´t get out of the car, I said I was so afraid of going. He went really mad and he said Just go!!! Or you won´t get the MP3! But unfortanely he bought one for me. But now I´ve made so many progress, all by myself. Nobody pushed me, I push myself now . But in my childhood I always had Mild SA, I could handled lot of things, but still I was far more than shy. You know, there should be more about SA on tv, newspapers, radio, movies and websites.. and of course youtube& Google .
So people know what's going on with us , and can respect it.

 

[missjesss]

Ok I take that back mayb I was a little shy as a kid but still fully functioning and I loved to be outside and playing and exploring new things only when body image concerns came about I was going down from there

 

[Aussie_Lad]

The father may have been well aware of her difficulities. Different folks have different teaching styles. Some might say that the girl will never learn if she is always hiding from things, and that it is better that you get over your fears early while the brain is developing rapidly.

 

[Klaus]

My father used to be like that with me, I just don't speak with him anymore nowadays. This kind of attitude made me suffer a lot. And I can't stand him.

The title of this thread should have been at Newspapers front pages today.

 

[Untamed88]

I feel so bad for that girl.

 

[R3K]

I am not sure if she has SA, a lot kids are timid.

I feel like if my mom pushed me more to take chances, I wouldn't be like this.

I have always been a quiet kid... I always hid behind my mom when we were around groups of people. I never wanted to talk, I would sometimes cry and not want to go to school. And my mom always let me go home, or always let me take a few hours off. And look where I am now... Still hiding away in my apartment, not going into the outside world. So much "being a good mom" did.

But, some kids are just quiet. Some people are just born introverts. There isn't anything wrong with that.

But to be honest, I applaud the father for trying to push his daughter out of her comfort zone. She is NEVER going to learn that it's OKAY to be talkative in public, and the world isn't as scary as it seems, if he just lets her hide away at home and not talk to anyone. In my opinion, he is being a good parent. She needs to learn how to function in public, and learn that if she wants ice cream, she's going to have to go out there, face her fears and get it.

Yeah there was no way to be absolutely sure if she had SA from that brief encounter, but I just really felt what she was going through, and seeing it in another child after I’ve grown up is just surreal and kinda saddening. I know I myself didn’t benefit from the getting “pushed out of my comfort zone” tactic until a few years ago, but that’s just me.

The father may have been well aware of her difficulities. Different folks have different teaching styles. Some might say that the girl will never learn if she is always hiding from things, and that it is better that you get over your fears early while the brain is developing rapidly.

That’s why I didn’t say anything—as much as I wanted to. Good point about the developing brain part too. I still think parents should be educated on the possibility of SA in their children though, so they can approach it in a healthy and (if possible) dilligent manner.

My father used to be like that with me, I just don't speak with him anymore nowadays. This kind of attitude made me suffer a lot. And I can't stand him.

The title of this thread should have been at Newspapers front pages today.

Yeah I’ve slowly learned that my father has/had a lot of pride, and it made it difficult for him to accept that his son was failing at everything for this alleged social anxiety disorder—he wanted it to be something real and tangible that he could just ‘take care of’ real quick and get me back on track with life. So he would deny that I had it, or say that I’m just pretending to have it, using it as a crutch to get out of responsibilities. I’ve started to realize that it’s just as painful (if not more) for a father to see his son as socially handicapped, cause we’re supposed to be our fathers’ successors and we’re supposed to excede them at things and make them proud. But if we can’t get a foot out the door (literally) to go to the dang grocery store and by toilet paper then the father feels it reflects on his manliness and all that.

 

[fitftw]

She's just a little girl. My parents never tried to pull that BS with me. They would just order for me. Maybe that's why I can't even call up food places for delivery. The only thing I can do is order pizza online.

 

[Darryl]

I think that child will have that memory of you for the rest of her life.

That's the best thing about social phobia's is our sensitivity,our care is stronger that the disorder when others are in need.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

I am not sure if she has SA, a lot kids are timid.

Yeah, I'd have to agree with you. Many kids are shy or timid. This doesn't mean that they have SA.

I feel like if my mom pushed me more to take chances, I wouldn't be like this.

I have always been a quiet kid... I always hid behind my mom when we were around groups of people. I never wanted to talk, I would sometimes cry and not want to go to school. And my mom always let me go home, or always let me take a few hours off. And look where I am now... Still hiding away in my apartment, not going into the outside world. So much "being a good mom" did.

This is how my mom was for the most part. She thought she was being understanding, but all it did was cause me to avoid doing things that I was afraid to do.

But to be honest, I applaud the father for trying to push his daughter out of her comfort zone. She is NEVER going to learn that it's OKAY to be talkative in public, and the world isn't as scary as it seems, if he just lets her hide away at home and not talk to anyone. In my opinion, he is being a good parent. She needs to learn how to function in public, and learn that if she wants ice cream, she's going to have to go out there, face her fears and get it.

Yes, this is what I try to do with my kid as well. I'm not going to let her avoid things she is afraid of (within reason) because this might encourage a life-long habit which can be very difficult to break. I explained all of this to her in the simplest terms possible. Kids need to understand that not everything in life will be easy and that we should face our fears. If I can help it, my kid is not going to turn out like me. Sometimes parents don't understand that being loving does not mean that you allow your child to have their way. We have to be understanding and supportive not be enablers.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

What you did for her was out of kindness, but if the child is in fact sensitive, how is she going to cope when she realizes that not everyone out there will behave as you did? Unless a parent is abusing their children, it's always best to not interfere. You might be doing more harm than good.

 

[R3K]

I think that child will have that memory of you for the rest of her life.

That's the best thing about social phobia's is our sensitivity,our care is stronger that the disorder when others are in need.

Yeah I was trying to be as unintimidating as I could (my mohawk probably didn’t help in this area) and get her her dang ice cream with out ticking off her father the ice cream nazi.

What you did for her was out of kindness, but if the child is in fact sensitive, how is she going to cope when she realizes that not everyone out there will behave as you did? Unless a parent is abusing their children, it's always best to not interfere. You might be doing more harm than good.

When I was 4 years old, I already felt like I was 40. I was super-aware of everything and didn’t waste an iota of energy not examining every situation and environment I was in. I listened intensely to adults having conversations and when I was 7 or 8 I was mimicking adult speech in my head—thinking just like a grown-up and having imaginary conversations. I felt like (and sorry if this sounds conceited) I was lightyears ahead of all the other kids in my age bracket as far as maturity and intelligence went—though my grades were never that great. Exposure to tough social situations didn’t help because I was already pre-inclined not to let it.

I’m just trying to say that parents using exposure on their shy kids should be dilligent. Sports is the best way, and the only thing that worked for me, but only because I knew I was good at them .

 

[xxaimsxx]

Aww bless her!! Her dad with comments like that could make her worse or infact could of caused her shyness.
Good for you for being so nice thats such a lovely thing to do. I bet that would of made her day.

I was a very outgoing child actually, really confident up until the age of 14.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

Yeah I was trying to be as unintimidating as I could (my mohawk probably didn’t help in this area) and get her her dang ice cream with out ticking off her father the ice cream nazi.

It's easy to judge a parent as a nazi when one does not know them, does not know their child and does not know the whole picture.

Some aspects of child rearing should be tailored to the child's specific character. One thing will not work for all children and may not work for one child all the time.

Some children work well with a gentle nudge (not abuse, mind you). If I don't encourage my daughter to do things on her own (within reason), she expects everyone else to do them for her. My mother was like this with me and it did not turn out well. I see her doing the same thing with my daughter and my daughter takes advantage of this. What is this going to teach her? To depend on others to do things for her when she is faced with a challenge? I mean, I explain to my daughter why self-sufficiency is important and I teach her how to do things - how to do things in ways that make the job easier. I don't throw her out there unexpected and unprepared. I notice that this has encouraged her to want to do things on her own. Sometimes it's frustrating because she'll end up wanting to do everything by herself when it's not reasonable for her to do so. lol

There were times when she was apprehensive about approaching other kids at the playground. Had I not encouraged her then she may have continued to play by herself. Now, there's nothing wrong with that and she seems content with it, but when she's looking at other kids, watching them run around together, and I know she wants to join them, I'm going to encourage her to do so. She learns social skills, gets to interact with other children (it's important for a child's development both social and emotional) and has a whole lot of fun.

When I was 4 years old, I already felt like I was 40. I was super-aware of everything and didn’t waste an iota of energy not examining every situation and environment I was in. I listened intensely to adults having conversations and when I was 7 or 8 I was mimicking adult speech in my head—thinking just like a grown-up and having imaginary conversations. I felt like (and sorry if this sounds conceited) I was lightyears ahead of all the other kids in my age bracket as far as maturity and intelligence went—though my grades were never that great. Exposure to tough social situations didn’t help because I was already pre-inclined not to let it.

This may have been the case with you, but will not necessarily be the case with that little girl. She may not even have had social phobia.

How were you pre-inclined to not let exposure (to tough situations) help? Is this because you were super aware of everything?

I’m just trying to say that parents using exposure on their shy kids should be dilligent. Sports is the best way, and the only thing that worked for me, but only because I knew I was good at them .

Diligence. Fair enough.

Unfortunately for me, sport's wouldn't have worked. I don't work well in larger groups. My kid does, though! It's just that she gets bored quickly. I've been thinking about signing her up for something.

 

[R3K]

How were you pre-inclined to not let exposure (to tough situations) help? Is this because you were super aware of everything?

yeah the over-awareness of everything, along with an early realization of helplessness. I had gotten it into my head that I was a virtual alien to other people when I was about 4. when there's no understanding of what you have at that age--either by yourself or your parents--you concoct your own theories of what it is and ways to deal with it. or at least i did, maybe a lot of other social phobic kids just suffer with it mindlessly and don't really try to decipher what it is. and when you're doing all this on your own, knowing that your parents don't understand what it is, and they keep pushing you into SA-inducing encounters and situations, then it just comes across as cruel and torturesome. all the while you're feeling hopeless too, because you know that nobody understands you, or even seems to want to, and the anxiety attacks are just going to keep coming and coming forever. that's why i yearned for an explanation of it in cohesion with my parents when i was a child and a teen. i just wanted a doctor to take a look at me with my parents present and say--he's got social anxiety disorder.

maybe it wouldn't help some families to know their child has SA, but i know it would have helped me enormously--just the way i think and approach problems, i guess.