Keeping bitterness at bay

[philly2bits]

Lately it's been harder and harder to keep bitterness and cynicism from getting the better of me. I've been acting counter to my feelings to keep from becoming a total jerk but it's becoming too hard a task to do any longer and to be honest I have the feeling others can pick up on this phoniness and it is only hindering any possible connection with others.

I'm wondering if I should give in and act how I feel. Would it be constructive at all to do such a thing? Would I have a better chance of connecting with others if I drop the show? It's not to say I think I would be unpleasant to be around but as it is now I'm coming off as too wishy-washy.

 

[superfluouslyme]

That's a rough one. My sister is a push-over in public. She can never say no to anyone. This inability has come as a great cost to her private life. She never has any time to do what she wants because she is always doing what others need her to do. I've told her this and she is working on saying no more often, but she may lose some "friends" in the process. Obviously, this story has nothing to do with your situation, but it's the only thing similar that I can think of. My advice: if this act is truly bothering you and making you unhappy, I would drop it. It may confuse some people, but you have to do what is best for you. If the others can't handle it, then adios. Be you. That's the only person you were meant to be.

 

[philly2bits]

Thanks superfluous.

My problem is that I've been depressed for a while. Add to that not being to progress in life and it's a perfect atmosphere for resentment to breed. Since they are thoughts and feelings, I have no control over them. I can act against them to keep from becoming a total jerk but that is a losing battle. I need to address the underlying issues but I feel it's nearly impossible now that most of me is an act.

 

[mmmm]

Depression is a weird creature. You can feel depressed every minute of every day for 10 years and then one day you will eat something out of the ordinary or hear a piece of music or not do anything at all and Poof! Relief from depression for a while. (I don't mean that in the bipolar way).

I can't speak for you, Phillers but I would keep up the pretense if I was in your situation. I think genuine cynicism and bitterness will isolate you from people just as easily as phoniness. Yes being a genuine jerk will help you connect other people - cynical and bitter jerks for you to sit around feeling cynical and bitter with.

I've just lost my train of thought.

I suspect that my point was: If you think that you will never ever be out of this rut of depression and you do still want that connection with people, go ahead and be a jerk and attract some jerks who "get it".
If you think that you are just in a very bad patch right now and you might get better in the near or distant future, then keep up the pretense. There could be nothing worse than suddenly feeling a bit happier one day and wanting to be around some happy people but realising that you have isolated yourself from all the happy people by being a jerk to them.

 

[Tiercel]

Picture who you want to be, then decide how to go about becoming that person. Whether you want to be the Dalai Lama or the biggest jerk in south Jersey, it's on you to make it happen. But I think to become the Dalai Lama, you'll have to wait until the current one dies, kill yourself, and hope you come back as the new one....

I don't know how depression affects you, but mine seems to come and go in cycles. Sometimes I'm apathetic, and sometimes I just wish I could push that red button and destroy everything. When I feel really bad, I tend to get nasty: my temper shortens, my humor gets more caustic, and I'll say hurtful things that I know I shouldn't say. So I just shut up. I figure it's bad enough that I feel this way; do I want to make someone else miserable too by saying or doing something? I don't want to be known as the fat, nasty hobbit, so I try not to act like one.

Like you, my life is also going nowhere fast. But I've learned that it's all about the attitude you take. You can worry about not progressing in life, or you can work on it. You can try not to feel like a jerk, or you can act like one. You can get pissed that you're still awake at dawn, or you can enjoy watching your world wake up and come to life again.

So hang in there, man. Embrace the darkness if you want to, but also look forward to the dawn. And maybe do what you can to make the world spin a little bit faster.

Sorry for the cheesy night/day metaphor. While typing this I've been watching the sky get brighter.

 

[Feathers]

Hey Philly,

Maybe find other people depressed and bitter about the same thing/s and maybe you can connect with them more easily? Using black humor or such maybe?

It's difficult to keep things 'bottled in'... so it's good if you have at least one or two 'outlets' - either creative outlets like writing online or writing BAD country songs or such, or sports etc, and/or genuine people to speak with who can 'get' what you're saying...

Sometimes you may find that just expressing your feelings can help, nothing needs to change overnight (it rarely does, usually) and finding other people who feel that way (about a specific something) can help big time too...

With people who don't know you so well or who might not 'get' what you're saying, it's maybe better to be polite and detached... but if someone is 'violating your rights' then some assertiveness may be needed, and a good discussion and letting your feelings clear... remember 'your needs are as important as other people's too' (it took me a while to get this, and still learning sometimes...)

It's not easy sometimes, and it does happen to everyone.. you can't be 'upbeat' all the time, and most people understand... It just depends what it's about and who you can trust...

If someone is having a rough time, or is too young to understand a specific situation or be able to help, or too overwhelmed with own problems... then maybe they might not understand what you're talking about, and maybe you won't get a response that would be desired..

If you feel overwhelmed with certain tasks, it's better to find a different way of doing them, maybe different schedule or arrangement etc. or maybe take a 'mini vacation' or ask for help from others or delegate things etc.

It also depends on the situation.. At work or eg as a mod, certain politeness is kinda expected... Maybe you can share frustration with a trusted co-worker (though it's good to be careful at workplace about these things, or at least choose location wisely so it's not overheard by those who perhaps better not hear it) or mentor or informal mentor, or older member of family etc. They can shed some light on things maybe..

give in and act how I feel - how exactly would that look like? Black humor? snickering at people? Saracasm is usually not good to use in communication, especially online, it can be misunderstood..
Expressing frustration with something can be constructive too, though... Depends on how it's done..
Maybe other people are not happy with the situation either and would be happy to make a change, and maybe together you can figure something out?

The idea is to be respectful while telling your opinion etc, if you can. (Or have a break, maybe go jogging or boxing and venting elsewhere and maybe try to be respectful and genuine *then*, might be easier )

Anyway, wishing you good luck!!

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

Thanks superfluous.

My problem is that I've been depressed for a while. Add to that not being to progress in life and it's a perfect atmosphere for resentment to breed. Since they are thoughts and feelings, I have no control over them. I can act against them to keep from becoming a total jerk but that is a losing battle. I need to address the underlying issues but I feel it's nearly impossible now that most of me is an act.

Then it's time to retire the act. One thing we all DO have control over is OUR thoughts and feelings, it just well, feels like we don't. But that's the ONE thing we CAN control! I'm at a point now where this seems utter rubbish and I want to slap myself for saying it.

BUT Ive lived it for a time so I know by my experience it's true. Simple in concept but NOT in living.

Accepting who we are and what we are and where we are in our current roads in life is first, you seem to be... THEN we can work on who we want to be, long as it's "real".

It's all a process but ughhhh it's tough. Irony is more human connection would help tremendously Im at a point where I had that and dont really as much now, I mean a deeper connection, like real SUPPORT. That's so huge we all need help we can't NOR should do everything alone.

But anyways other good advice here, Philly, my arch nemesis

 

[doubleM]

im struggling with the same thing. its ok to be angry but allowing that anger to consume you just makes you miserable. life is too short to stay bitter at other people and yourself.

 

[userremoved]

I would say try and control it until you find a happier place. Because of my personal bitterness I've said things to people I can't take back.

 

[coyote]

YouTube - ‪Spoon Full of sugar - Mary poppins‬‏

 

[Kiwong]

Distraction and shifted focus work for me.

I do things that take my mind of the bitterness. Running is the one thing I do that really shifts my focus. I get completely lost in the activity, and for a while the bitter thoughts are forgotten. Photography and writing do they same thing for me.

I remember I was talking with a counsellor about photography and he asked "Hows the knee pain?" All the time I was talking about photography the knee pain was forgotten.

Also I've practiced relaxation combined with mindfulllness, and I have felt great afterwards. I can't rememer the last time I'd been relaxed. Some changes in diet, less caffiene, have stopped my thoughts becoming a runaway train.

 

[MollyBeGood]

Great post Kiwong.

I get really bitter-yuck at times and I know that underneath it is hurt and pain so the best thing to do is be with those thoughts and try to get to the bottom of them. I find personally if you ignore them they just get worse.

Like if I get jealous of a friend and say something I wish I wouldn't have I know that I am in pain and that's where that came from and I try to learn from it. Yeah you can loose a lot of people in your life being bitter so be careful who u unload on. I hope you find someone who will love and understand that those bad emotions are not really you, just pain and sadness.
I am used to sarcasm from the people I love which is close to bitter at times so I can handle it, but I don't like it.

 

[MollyBeGood]

i don't know why this comes to mind now lol

"Nooo Sparkey!"

YouTube - ‪Bitter Beer Face!‬‏

 

[Feathers]

OMG LOL Mountaingirl!!

And great vid Coyote haha!!

Also, sometimes you just need to Google your stupidity... And see other people doing even more stupid things lol... (for similar or worse reasons haha...)

 

[Conspiracy]

Give in. You don't bottle up something for that long, or else it's gonna blow and the damage is going to be worse. You can also just ignore your emotions. It's hard, but I do that and it works for me.