Just another journal

[jaim38]

I've been noticing a common theme throughout my life. Why is it that I don't have any social courage? When someone bullies me, I am too afraid to stand up for myself. Sometimes I wish I had 1 or more sisters in my family because people with sisters tend to be better at socializing. I can name many examples of ladies with sisters who have better social skills than ladies like me who have no sisters. Also, my family's not really normal so there's no role model I could look up to. It's just that, socialization skills should be taught at home, at least for normal people, but in my case, they're not. I must struggle to learn how to socialize and express myself outside of home, because I don't have people at home to practice with or bounce ideas off of, but practicing outside isn't ideal because some people aren't so forgiving of social mistakes. I made a lot of social mistakes, more than I could count, and they really brought down my self esteem/confidence.

When I talk to people, sometimes they tell me to speak up. They think I'm too quiet. However, when I get home, my brother thinks I'm too loud. He says I have to lower my voice more and stop agitating the neighbors. I was confused for a period of time.

Sometimes, I think I should be more girly, like other girls. But, I don't have any sisters, so I don't really know how to interact with girls. I think I treat both guys and girls alike. I don't do the hugs, intimate talks, or other things that I see girl friends do. I only have a limited range of facial expressions. I'm not highly animated like other people.

 

[jaim38]

BBC News - Evernote's Phil Libin: The modest $1bn boss

I didn't know the CEO is a shy geek/nerd, just like me!

"If I'm at a party, I'm usually the guy standing to the side pretending to check emails on my phone," he says. "But I'm trying really hard to get better. I have handlers who point me at the right person to talk to."

Me too! But lucky him, he has handlers to ask for help.

"Back when we started Engine Five I became the chief executive because out of the three of us I was the weakest programmer," he says.

"That was how it started, despite me never having had a management job.

"That was in 1997 and I'm still waiting for someone to challenge the fact I'm still a chief executive. But I've had the job now for 17 years, so people assume I know what I'm doing."

I remember I was part of a team for a consulting project. I was unwillingly made project manager of the team because I wasn't particularly good at coding, nor was I good at technical writing. At volunteer work, I was promoted to a supervisory position despite me having no management experience. I used to dread this a lot, as in "what the h*ll have I gotten myself into?" As part of my duties, I had to induct new volunteers, and before every Skype call, I would freak out like crazy. But, I'm settling into my role, and discovering that perhaps I'm even enjoying it. Is it a blessing in disguise? Perhaps.

 

[jaim38]

BBC News - Is it good for people to fail occasionally?

Just thought I'd share this. Failure can be a blessing in disguise.

"If your venture doesn't work out, but you did everything you could to make it a success, that's what we call an honest failure, and that's seen as an honourable thing," says McTavish.

"Whereas if your venture didn't work out because you spent too much time at networking events, you weren't doing your customer research and you were just lazing around, then that's what we would call a dishonest failure."

If failure can train us to be more courageous in life, we should also be just as brave at recognising and shouting about success.

The year after failure week, Wimbledon High School ran "blow your own trumpet" week. As Hanbury explains, it is not only time to take the "sting out of failure" but also the "embarrassment out of pride."

There are many more passages I want to quote, but I highly recommend reading the entire article for a better grasp of the message.

 

[jaim38]

So I just got off this phone call with a new volunteer. I find myself acting all bubbly and trying to sound excited or something - I guess one of the ways I try to fake an outgoing personality. But, this time I've been noticing something: I actually enjoyed the conversation! I thought it was fun! I don't know if it's because I'm talking with a fellow geek and find common ground, but I definitely feel comfortable and great talking to him. Yesterday, I also had a good time speaking with another volunteer. Something's changing inside of me - I think I am going from "fake it till you make it" to "fake it till you become it." I'm slowly becoming it! I'm definitely a lot from this volunteer role, and I have no doubt I'll continue to grow as I go along.

 

[jaim38]

So, there's this volunteer who went missing for almost 2 months and suddenly came back. We were worried about his well-being because all attempts to reach him were futile. I'm not sure if he was itnentionally ignoring us or what. So he suddenly sends us an email saying he's still active and asking some questions about the work (which he, uh, didn't supervise!). The thing is, we've already recruited someone to fill his position because we thought he was gone for good.

I don't think this position is right for him, because he doesn't seem to take volunteering with us seriously. I won't give him back his position. That's not the hard part. I have to deal with communicating this entire thing, honestly, to him! Social etiquette tells us that we should convey bad news in person or on the phone, not in email. I'm pretty sure I could just send him a nice, sympathetic email and just be done with it all, but wouldn't that be pretty cold? I would come across as uncaring and perhaps rude. I am feeling the chills as I'm typing thsi and thinking about what to do.

Ok, just take a deep breath. I don't like rejecting people because I suck at it. So question is, phone or email?

 

[jaim38]

BBC News - No country for single women

I can so relate to this woman. It's just not just India though, over here in the US there is pressure to get a bf/gf. I agree with her that holding out for Mr.Right is better than settling anytime. In the past, people try to pair me up with classmates, friends, etc, but I didn't think they were right for me.

 

[jaim38]

BBC News - Closing the 'word gap' by teaching parents to talk to babies

I thought it was interesting that kids from wealthier families learn a broader vocabulary compared to kids from poorer backgrounds. I see this in school, even in advanced/honors classes that I used to take. The richer kids are often more fluent, well-versed in speech, and argue better. I am from a working class family and often feel like I can't express myself/argue well with other people partly due to my limited vocabulary. I notice I kept using the same words over again, like I couldn't think of better synonyms to replace them.

 

[jaim38]

My brother's kinda paranoid, that's why I don't tell him many things that I do. Last time when I told him my friend will come over, he doesn't trust her at all. He thinks she could be in cahoots or perhaps spied on by bad guys. He gave me a long lecture of what I should and should not tell my friend because she could be untrustworthy. If I tried to argue and pursue this matter further, he'll probably ask me to break off ties with her!

I dare not tell him about my volutneer work, because then he'll get really paranoid and start going crazy.

 

[jaim38]

So I just got off the phone with a new volunteer. I think the phone call went alright overall, but in the middle of the convo, my tone of voice started changing for some reason. I started going deadpan at certain times, and it makes me sound like a bit condescending. Thankfully, I caught myself doing that and had to vary up my tonal inflections to sound normal again. Overall, the call went well.

Looking back, I feel I've made a lot of progress over the years in conquering my social anxiety. I handled several calls today, whereas a year ago I might come up with excuses to avoid. I'm also not as self-conscious and was able to cut down significantly on talking nonsense. I'm not a great conversationalist yet though, I still need to work on this.

Some of the stuff that I've worked on include: eliminating repetition (as in repeating questions or things that I've just said), word salad, trying hard not to use fillers (but sometimse I find myself using them), and tonal inflection (which can change the meaning of words entirely, if used incorrectly).

 

[jaim38]

I had a bad dream today. I dreamt that I was intentionally picking a fight with 2 nice girls that I used to know. In real life, I had 0 animosity towards them. They gave me no reason to dislike them. But in my dream, I for some reason started hating on them. The row turned into a big fight. I knew i was in the wrong but didn't back down. In real life, this will never happen, hopefully.

 

[jaim38]

So, I want to volunteer at this animal shelter but don't know how to break it to my parents. For one thing, my mom doesn't like cats and some dogs. My dad's neutral, aka neither hates nor likes animals. We've had pets, as in hamsters and fish before, but my dad thinks they're just adding to household costs. Plus, none of my family members are vegetarian. A few years back when I floated the idea of becoming vegetarian, they were totally against it. I had to do it in secret, aka as in lying and throwing away meat when they're not looking. That didn't last long, but I was able to lead a vegetarian lifestyle away from home for a year.

Now I'm back in my parents' house and pretty much living off their support. I found this nearby animal shelter that offered hands on experience with animals, which I really want to try out. There is an orientation coming up soon. However, if I want to take the car and go, my parents will be asking me questions like "where are you going?", "what are you doing with the car?", etc. I have several options here. A) I can lie my way to volunteering, or B) I can risk it all by telling them the truth, and there's a 99% chance they'll argue with me against going. I've lied before but felt really horrible about it.

Ok, here's a 3rd option: I can get a job first, which means afterwards I can do whatever I want. If I want to buy stuff or go somewhere, my parents can't say no because I won't be using their money. Moreover, I won't feel as guilty as I would if I had lied. Also, if I want to go vegetarian, I can! I don't have to worry about mooching off my parents' food.

 

[jaim38]

So, despite the odds against me, I took the courage to ask my parents what they think about me volunteering at an animal shelter. My dad, surprise surprise, was supportive of this! He said I can try it out. I didn't lie to him at all. I told him the truth, in a cautious way. I was really happy to hear him support me in this. In contrast, when I told my mom, she made a bad face (like a grimace or something) and flat out rejected my proposal. She had concerns, mostly about bacteria being spread from animals to humans. Yes, there is this risk too - I'm sure there are risks with almost everything we do. Last time that I volunteered at the hospital, I had to get all the required shots so I would be vaccinated against certain diseases. It's the same process at the animal shelter. I'm not sure if I could convince her though. I'm not pre-med or pre-nursing anymore, but I'm still interested in doing something for animals.

I was a bit late today, in getting all the paperwork ready and stuff so I missed the orientation. I will definitely go next week. I'm really excited, yet a bit nervous at the same time. I hope this will be a wonderful experience.

 

[jaim38]

So today I decided to go out for a little sunshine. I went out and was disappointed to see a lot of clouds overhead. There was no sunshine, because of the cloudy overcast. I saw an airplane zoom through the clouds. It didn't make a trail. Will it rain tomorrow or not? It's hard to tell. I also heard loud music from the neighbors somewhere. I got a little anxious because my mom has a bad reputation around the neighborhood. What if the neighbors heard me and say something like, "I don't like her. Everyone hates her." It will bring back feelings of ostracization. I know i'm not supposed to care about what other people say. I went inside earlier than expected, instead of staying out for 10 min like I usually do. I also tried to walk quietly, to be careful not to draw attention to myself.

I'm thinking I should go back out and conquer this fear. Why the heck am I so afraid of walking in my own backyard? I'm going to force myself to stay out for 10 min and then come back in.

 

[jaim38]

I have negative thoughts everyday, but I don't identify with most if not all of them. Some of my darkest thoughts include curse words, profanity, and negative stereotypes and name-calling - most of which were learnt from external sources (i.e. peers, people around me, etc). To make things worse, I have OCD which means I can obsess over a single thought over and over again. My mind would replay it like a broken record. As much as I don't want to think such thoughts, they come at me forcefully, and I am forced to suppress them or acknowledge them, hoping that they'll pass quickly. Sometimes, it feels like people are mind readers. I hope they don't judge me by my thoughts, because I don't have compelte control over my mind, but by my actions.

 

[jaim38]

A series of unfortunate events happened today. I went to the library and sat at a computer at the back of the room. So, I was facing this couple, which I didn't realize at first. I only saw the girl, not the guy. The girl glimpsed at me and I saw her. We made eye contact for a moment, but I didn't want to look like I'm staring at her so I looked away imemdiately and shifted my seat away a bit, so that she's not in my vision. Then she started talking about me. I also heard a guy's voice but didn't see the guy at first, who sat across from her. I heard the guy saying something like, "she's spying on us.. get out..." Clearly, they were uncomfortable with me sitting across from them, but I ignored it. If I wasn't shy or scared, I would've spoken up for sure, but I didn't. I sat there for the next hour. Then, I felt somebody looking at me and I looked and saw some guy looking at me, then he looked away. I thought that was weird, then I realize that must be the guy sitting across from that girl who didn't like me! When I got up to go, I saw the guy - it's the same guy and I was right!

Then I went to Walmart. I kept on hearing voices saying I'm stupid. I think they're very annoying.

I went home afterwards. Just when I think all my troubles are over, my brother forces me into his room, turned off the lights, and forced me to listen to him. He also kept on tickling me and touching me in several places, so at first I made a "stop" sign with my hand. When I tried to tell him to stop, verbally out loud, he got angry. But he kept on touching me so out of instinct, I hit him. What came next was a bit scary. He hit me hard 3 times and threatened me. He snarled at me and said, "did you think you can overpower me? Huh?" and something about my useless attempt. Then he apologized, but I was already crying but trying to stifle my tears. In the dark, he couldn't see me so that saved me some trouble.

 

[jaim38]

I just want to say that I am NOT stupid or dumb. Many people see me and think I'm just that. They see my cheap ragged clothes, my lack of fashion sense, me not using wireless and having not smartphone, me doing things for my brother, etc etc and they immediately say I'm stupid. First of all, they don't know me. I am a product of both family and environmental influences. I was raised to be cheap and frugal all my life. I used to wear horrible, unfashionable clothes (clothes that look bad on me) because 1) they're cheap, and 2) I was afraid of buying better clothes. All I cared about was saving money for my parents, even at my expense. It's only in the recent year or so where I started buying better clothes for myself, handbag, makeup, etc. I also can't afford a smartphone at this time. I have a router but don't use wireless - instead I drag around a freaking long, 50ft ethernet cord to connect. Why? Because my brother's paranoid about using wireless. I remember he turned off wireless on the former router that we had because of security concerns or whatever.

Finally, over here we have weird family dynamics. You know how other families talk to each other face to face verbally and help each other solve problems? Not so for my family. It's just really complicated. I couldn't talk to my mom about certain things, let alone my brother. If I have to communicate with my brother, I either write something down, type, or use something else. I can't speak to him face to face. THere's so much distrust and hate. People are so secretive too.

Those relatives who kept looking down on me and calling me stupid, they know nothing. They don't know how much bullying I went through or what happens inside my house. I bet if I tell them, they'll think we're freaks. I don't plan to get help from them.

But, despite all the problems I'm currently having, it beats being in other cities. I used to be in an even worse position for 4 years, while living in other cities. Well, today is just a bad day. It will get better hopefully.

 

[jaim38]

OMG, so I said something embarassing today. I was on a phone call with my team, and I'm the most senior member. Someone said something like, "Our job is to please you..." I was lost for words because I was shocked to hear her say that. I hear this a lot, about project managers pleasing their clients, but just never thought someone would actually say it to me. So, without thinking, I said "I completely agree..." and I could feel some people actually surprised at what I said. Afterwards, I heard something like "I dont' like her" - maybe my imagination? Anyway, after the call was over, it took a while to settle in, and I feel terrible! The damage has already been done, there's not much I can do about it. I don't know why I said what I said - I didn't know what to say so I said what came off the top of my head! Just to clarify, I never viewed my project team as slaves, nor treated them as such. I was very grateful when they joined, and actually happy to hear that they're to willing to commit for months. Dedicated volunteers are hard to come by. Many volunteers join to learn new skills, get more experience, contribute to a good cause, and we support them in this. I wish I could convey all of what I just wrote to my team, but I was lsot for words and end up saying the wrong thing! Darn it! Now, I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that nobody remembers this incident...

During the call, I was put on the spot a few times, and was thrown curveball questions. I tried hard to answer them professionally but found myself sounding perhaps like a fool. It's hard, but I gotta give myself props for joining the call, even though I don't have to be there.

 

[jaim38]

I decided to go to a Toastmasters meeting yesterday after a few weeks of delaying it. I was a bit nervous though. When I was driving on the road, I was a bit slow and had to look at the street names. I didn't have a GPS navigator or smartphone so took with me only written directions. Moreover, the sun shone directly at my eyes, blinding me a certain times. Thankfully, I had my sunglasses with me, but it was getting dark and a bit difficult to see the roads so I had to take them off afterwards, despite the setting but still glaring sun. As I was driving, there was this white car who tailgated at first. I tried to ignore whoever's behind me. This went on for a couple of minutes. I wondered why he/she didn't just drive past me, because the road is almost empty which he/she could certainly do. Finally the car drove past me, got in front of me, adn I think flipped me the bird. I only saw part of it thankfully. I got a bit angry because uh, this car could have driven past if he/she thinks i'm slow.

So, I got there just in time for the meeting the start.I walked in to a room full of people sitting down already. I was nervous of course, because everybody's eyes were looking at me. The moderator was nice though and said I should have a seat, which I did.

The toastmasters meeting wasn't so bad. I could clearly see there were some people who were kinda shy, awkward like me. There were a couple of loud extraverts, but I'm glad to see introverts as well. I found it a bit hard to focus though, on some of the speeches, especially the poem.

During the meeting, I heard somebody said "I don't like her!" That threw me off guard. I was like, "who said that? Was it aimed at me?" Perhaps not, but it was rude. Upon further reflection, I remembered this wise advice that I read a few days ago: there will be haters, but continue to grow and live your life so that the people who truly know you won't believe a word that these haters say (not exact words).

Overall, I thought the meeting was fun, but then when I tried picturing me doing the speeches, I get the chills. I'm thinking of going back next week to observe more.

 

[jaim38]

I mentioned before that the Toastmasters members were friendly and supportive of each other for the most part, and I'd like to elaborate. At the Toastmasters meeting, I noticed that people laughed at each others' speeches. Nobody was overly serious. I used to think it was humiliating to have people laugh at my speeches, because if they laugh then I must be doing something wrong. I also had a friend whose speech went terrible and people laughed. I thought it was just very embarassing. But, I never thought of the fact that laughter can be a way to bond with others. Even though people laughed at my friend's speech, there were some who voted for her because they thought it was amusing. The Toastmasters session taught me that there is nothing embarassing about being laughed at. Adding humor to a speech can help you connect with the audience. In fact, I laughed too, but I didn't feel so bad.

The second thing that I noticed at Toastmasters is me being weird and nervous. For instance, when the person in front of me spoke, she didn't turn around at all, so I couldn't see her face. But, I just kept looking at her back! Like, what the heck! I do feel the urge to look down, because all I'm looking at is her back! But....I feel so nervous and self conscious that I just kept looking! What's there to look at? Nothing! It's just weird...I'm not sure even sure I did this. Ok, it's probably because if I stopped looking at her back and looked at my desk instead, I will seem like I'm being shy and avoiding looking at people. So, this lady probably noticed me doing this weird thing so she said eventually said people who are speaking should face the audience.

The other weird thing is the eye contact/peripheral vision issue. I find myself looking at the same people over and over, giving them eye contact for some reason. Like when we're all looking at the speaker, we end up locking eyes, and I have to shift my eye contact somewhere. THis sounds weird because only lovers lock eyes, and I don't have any romantic feelings for anyone in the room. Maybe I'm being self conscious too much. I also want to avoid staring at people, even speakers, so sometimes I look down or to the side.

 

[jaim38]

So I tried skyping with my friend, with webcam on. I find it harder than I thought. I fumbled over words, slurred some words, and felt kinda camera shy. I thought I looked 10X uglier on camera - not really looking fatter, but my facial features end up looking so pronounced and caricaturized that I look like some weird cartoon character! Anyway, I had to remind myself that looking pretty is the least of my concerns at this time. I want to first get used to webcam chatting. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, be confident and articulate, speak clearly and assertively. I can worry about my hair, clothes, skin, etc later after I master these basics.

I chatted with my friend for roughly 15 min, but I can feel myself getting more confident. I started using hand gestures to help my delivery. I asked her for feedback - she said I looked nervous and should speak more slowly. The last one surprised me because I always thought I'm a slow and boring speaker. But, getting a second opinion is good. And I just read an article about how practicing can make you sound more spontaneous (on purpose). So, I will continue to work hard and improve!