Journey of Jazz

SoScared

SoScared

Well-known member
You ask....

There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be?'

Yes, when you open your eyes at 0.55 secs.
 
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PerseverareJasmine

Well-known member
There's been a big thunderstorm going on outside. Usually I like to listen to thunderstorms because they are soothing to me, but there's been a lot of hail falling during this one, which to me is scary to hear. I brought my dog inside and let him lay down in the living room with me. He doesn't get as nervous as he used to get during storms, but he still pants some and whimpers a lot while they are happening. He used to pace around everywhere in the house and drool a lot because he would keep his mouth wide open, his eyes would open really wide, and he'd look back and forth from the backdoor to me as if he was asking me when the storm would be over. Now when I bring him inside he just lays or sits on the carpet, pants, and whimpers from time to time. Sometimes I'll sit or lay down on the floor beside him and pet him a lot, and I either sing or play my harmonica softly to him to try to calm him down a little.
 
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PerseverareJasmine

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I'm watching A Walk to Remember on t.v. right now. I always tell myself I don't like watching romantic movies, then I find myself watching them when they are on television anyway. Some of them are pretty sappy, but some are alright.
 
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PerseverareJasmine

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I'm getting to see my older sister this weekend, so I'm looking forward to that. I'm not looking forward to being with my mom in the car for the drive to San Antonio too much, but hopefully there won't be any tension between us. Its been going a little better between me and her. It'll be nice to see my sister.
 
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PerseverareJasmine

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Me and my mom are heading out tomorrow morning to go to San Antonio. We'll probably leave around 10 a.m. I'm going to start packing soon. I don't need to pack much though because we're only going to stay there Saturday and most of Sunday, then we're going to come back home. I'm looking forward to seeing Keyana, my sister. We might go eat at this cheesecake factory near where she lives. Mmm, yes baby, cheesecake. I love it.

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They have other food there too. My sister said they have a turkey and avocado sandwich that is good. I don't like going out to eat, but I guess I'll have to try to suck it up somehow. Hopefully it won't be really crowded at the factory.

I haven't had much to look forward to in a long time, so its nice to be able to look forward to something for a change.
 
Sea Bass

Sea Bass

Well-known member
PerseverareJasmine said:
I haven't had much to look forward to in a long time, so its nice to be able to look forward to something for a change.
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Maybe what you need to do to get over your slump of depression is to have things to look forward to. Maybe you need to get involved in some programs or start up a schedule of things you like to do so that you eventually get out of your rut. Maybe you can try forcing yourself to try some new things out so that you eventually find something that catches your interest. Try and work through the agonizing lethargy that your depression has caused and force yourself to do things until something catches on. Not everything you will try out you will like, but you will find something eventually that suites your interests by hanging in there and trying things until you find something. You are going to need will power to do this and I believe you can do it - you just need some discipline. You don't gain really large amounts of will power over night - you will have to work on it slowly. Will power, in the context of this conversation, is basically the ability to resist temptation. You will have to basically train yourself to resist the temptation of falling back to your old depressed ways of wanting to do nothing by slowly forcing yourself little by little in larger and larger increments to do stuff - that is the only way you will find something to do that you like and will look forward to. To put it in analogous terms, working on getting more will power is like working on a muscle - the more you work on it the bigger it gets. So the idea is to "just do it" like nike says and flex that will power muscle until you get out of that depression ditch. :perfect:
 
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PerseverareJasmine

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Sea Bass said:
Maybe what you need to do to get over your slump of depression is to have things to look forward to. Maybe you need to get involved in some programs or start up a schedule of things you like to do so that you eventually get out of your rut. Maybe you can try forcing yourself to try some new things out so that you eventually find something that catches your interest. Try and work through the agonizing lethargy that your depression has caused and force yourself to do things until something catches on. Not everything you will try out you will like, but you will find something eventually that suites your interests by hanging in there and trying things until you find something. You are going to need will power to do this and I believe you can do it - you just need some discipline. You don't gain really large amounts of will power over night - you will have to work on it slowly. Will power, in the context of this conversation, is basically the ability to resist temptation. You will have to basically train yourself to resist the temptation of falling back to your old depressed ways of wanting to do nothing by slowly forcing yourself little by little in larger and larger increments to do stuff - that is the only way you will find something to do that you like and will look forward to. To put it in analogous terms, working on getting more will power is like working on a muscle - the more you work on it the bigger it gets. So the idea is to "just do it" like nike says and flex that will power muscle until you get out of that depression ditch. :perfect:
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I've been trying to teach myself how to ride this old bike that was my older sister's and I've been walking/running on a trail near my house, which makes me feel a little better, at least for a while. It would be nice if there were some other things I could find that interests me and helps me take my mind off things. Like you said, keeping up the motivation to do those things if I do find them would be a hard thing for me to do, but it would probably be good for me to try. Thanks Sea Bass.
 
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PerseverareJasmine

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Me and my mom got back home from San Antonio at about 9 p.m. The car ride there and back wasn't too bad. The main reason for that is probably because I slept through most of it. When I was awake I mostly looked around outside. That's actually always been my favorite part about car rides, looking outside. I like looking at the flowers, the trees, rivers, and the animals that we see when we are driving. I especially like driving around at night and being able to look at the moon and the stars.

The trip reminded me of how bad I am at coping with being in public though. My mom and sister wanted to go shopping in this plaza. I knew that that may have been a possibility because they love shopping. I tried to kind of prep my mind beforehand and I kept telling myself to try to not let all of the crowds of people get to me, but as soon as we pulled into the parking lot and I saw how many people were there I started freaking out. I actually started tearing up when I was in the car. My mom was driving and my sister was in the passenger seat, and they were deep in conversation about what stores they wanted to go to, so I could sort of hide the fact that I was feeling extremely anxious. I couldn't hide it when we were actually walking around in the plaza though. My usual nervous habits showed up. I started chewing on my tongue, fiddling with my jewelry, and my eyes widened. I kept feeling that strong urge that I feel in public to just avert my eyes from everyone and walk with my head down. My mom didn't say anything directly to me about it, but she did keep giving me these dirty, sort of aggravated looks, like she was wishing I could calm down.

I often felt like the odd girl out during the trip too. I was suspecting it would be that way though, so it wasn't a surprise. Still, it was good to see my sister.
 
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PerseverareJasmine

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What am I doing? I just keep asking myself that question in my mind over and over again. I don't know the answer. Maybe there is no exact answer or reason.
 
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PerseverareJasmine

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I think my mom heard me crying in bed earlier because I saw her shadow approach my bedroom door when I was facing the doorway. She must have heard me sniffling. I turned around and faced my bedroom wall so that she wouldn't see the tears on my face and wouldn't try to talk to me. She probably just assumed I had a runny nose, so she left without asking me if something was wrong.

I've done that since I was a kid, turning the other direction if I'm crying in bed at night to hide myself. I hate making my parents worry about me.
I do most of my crying alone. Either at night in bed, or when I'm home alone during the day. I'll just sit or lay down and sob until I can't cry anymore. I wrap my arms around shoulders to try to calm myself down.

I've been trying to distract myself, but distractions can only do so much.
I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I could fill up a whole page of this diary with just that sentence and it still wouldn't be enough to sum up how I feel. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and just shake my head. I just feel like slapping myself and doing more damage to myself than I've done in the past. When I was a kid I thought I'd grow up to be somebody worthwhile. I haven't. I'm nothing. I don't even know why some people bother with me. And I can't blame the people who don't care about me and can't be bothered with me. I'm a waste of time and a waste of space. What a complete waste.
 
MikeyC

MikeyC

Well-known member
PerseverareJasmine said:
I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I could fill up a whole page of this diary with just that sentence and it still wouldn't be enough to sum up how I feel. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and just shake my head. I just feel like slapping myself and doing more damage to myself than I've done in the past. When I was a kid I thought I'd grow up to be somebody worthwhile. I haven't. I'm nothing. I don't even know why some people bother with me. And I can't blame the people who don't care about me and can't be bothered with me. I'm a waste of time and a waste of space. What a complete waste.
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Why? Why do you think this?

I don't know you personally but you seem to be a very nice, intelligent young person who has a lot to offer. You're only a teenager so you've still got a long way to go yet. Give it time and you'll find your path. :)
 
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PerseverareJasmine

Well-known member
MikeyC said:
Why? Why do you think this?

I don't know you personally but you seem to be a very nice, intelligent young person who has a lot to offer. You're only a teenager so you've still got a long way to go yet. Give it time and you'll find your path. :)
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Its all really confusing to even myself. I just hate the way I am. Right now my path seems invisible and I wonder if I even have a path. Maybe things might clear up someday. Thanks Mikey.
 
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