Journey of Jazz

[PerseverareJasmine]

My mom has been in Dallas since Friday because she wanted to see her cousin for her birthday. Its been pretty relaxing being home alone. I've been feeling lonely, as usual, but its still relaxing. I worked out earlier, took a bubble bath, and then slept for a long time. Then I woke up and sang along to some songs while watching television.

My dog ate a part of a bird earlier. I didn't see him eat it, but when I went out to the backyard, the bird was dead on the ground. Its feathers were lying around it, there was blood coming from it, and its eyeballs were sort of oozing out onto the ground. It was gross. I had just finished eating dinner when I saw it, so I felt queasy afterwards. He's never done anything like that before. He always chases birds, and squirrels too, but he's never been fast enough to actually catch one. My dad says he's going to call a vet to find out what we need to do if him eating the bird could possibly make him sick. I really hope it doesn't. I've already come close to losing my dog twice, once when he became very sick, and another time when he got out of the side gate of our backyard and we had to go out looking for him.

 

[PerseverareJasmine]

My dog Spanky has been acting normally since eating the bird, thank goodness. The vet said that he should be fine as long as he is up to date with his shots, which he is. I've been checking on him and looking out for any symptoms of sickness, but he seems to be doing fine. The image of that bird is still etched into my mind though, it was disgusting.

 

[PerseverareJasmine]

When I was a kid I used to go into the living room and spin around in a circle really fast on the same spot for a long time with my arms spread out to my sides in the air while looking at the ceiling. I'd wave my arms up and down like I was a bird while I was spinning. After spinning I'd lay flat on my back on the carpet with my legs extended and my arms stretched out. The ceiling seemed to swirl while I was laying down and looking up at it, and it felt like I was still spinning. I liked to imagine I was up in the clouds floating around. I did it earlier today and its still pretty fun to me, a bit silly, but fun.

 

[PerseverareJasmine]

I baked a cake earlier, yellow cake with chocolate frosting. It turned out alright, except for that the frosting looks really sloppy. I've never been good at frosting cakes. The surface of the cake always gets very torn when I try to spread the frosting on with the knife. Like this:

I try to be smooth while I'm spreading it, but I'm pretty much never smooth h:, so it doesn't work out. It tastes decent though. I'm eating a slice with a big cup of cold milk.

I think this is my new favorite dance move:

, very seductive .

 

[TreeBones]

Lol, did you wait for it to cool? The same thing always happens to me too but its a beautiful cake regardless. I am drooling right now, I would kill for some cake.

 

[PerseverareJasmine]

Lol, did you wait for it to cool? The same thing always happens to me too but its a beautiful cake regardless. I am drooling right now, I would kill for some cake.

Yeah, I waited for it to cool down, I'm just really crap at frosting lol. I guess I just don't spread it on properly with the knife, so the cake gets ripped. Licking frosting off of my fingers if any gets on them while I'm frosting makes up for the task of frosting being a pain in the *** for me though .

The cake in the picture isn't the cake I made by the way, I found it to use as an example. Mine looks a bit worse than the one in the picture, sadly.

 

[TreeBones]

Oh h: Lol, it just looked exactly like mine would look.

 

[PerseverareJasmine]

Oh h: Lol, it just looked exactly like mine would look.

Yeah, that's why I normally stick to store bought cakes that are already frosted . I was bored though, and there wasn't much of anything to do, so I thought "What the hell, might as well bake a cake."

 

[PerseverareJasmine]

I have a strong taste for Chinese food right now. I'd like to be able to make my own at home. I might look into some recipes one day, especially a beef and broccoli, orange chicken, or fried calamari recipe. Mmm, so good.

Always dancing by myself. I think it'd be nice to dance with somebody someday, even though I dance badly, as I've mentioned before.

Billy Idol - Dancing With Myself - YouTube

 

[PerseverareJasmine]

Frédéric Chopin - Prelude in E-Minor (op.28 no. 4) - YouTube

 

[PerseverareJasmine]

I've been finding myself staring up at the ceiling in my bedroom and just thinking about a lot of different things lately. I always think about how I wish certain things in my past could have gone differently. There's nothing I can do to change that now, but I seem to be stuck in the past most of the time.

I've also been wondering if maybe its for the best for me to be alone. I tend to think that most people who have known me or who have even just talked to me for a little while would have been better off not doing so. I guess the good thing is that I am, in my opinion, quite easy to forget about. Anyone who has bothered themselves with me can forget me quickly, and without difficulty, I think. If I were to vanish some day, other than my family, nobody would miss me, or notice, I bet. Because outside of my family, I've never had anyone care about me, not truly. There's really nothing about me that sticks out in peoples' minds. Ordinary in every detail. That's what I've always believed.

 

[jc972]

You're starting to make me worry about you just a bit. ...

 

[PerseverareJasmine]

You're starting to make me worry about you just a bit. ...

I've been worrying about myself too truthfully, scared about myself is a better way to put it. There's a lot of things about my thoughts that scare me. I feel like my self-hatred is going to backfire on me in a way that is irreversible one day. It seems inevitable that it will.

 

[PerseverareJasmine]

Ugh, I threw up last night. I think I've been stressing myself out too much. I've been doing that for most of my life. I let all of my feelings and issues build up inside of me without any release, besides writing in here which is a release in a way for me. When it builds up, it always ends up with me slipping again, losing my grip. I put a lot of pressure on myself, and I'm extremely hard on myself.

Sometimes when I start to feel that I'm becoming happy, I tell myself in my mind to not get too caught up in the feeling. Usually when I begin to feel happiness, it vanishes almost as quickly as it came. I try to not let my expectations get too high because when I do, I end up disappointed and angry with myself for thinking that things could possibly be different, be better. I guess I really am standing in the way of myself. Its like in my mind I'm pointing at myself constantly and telling myself "You'll never be truly happy." "You're just scum." "You'll never have any real friends or a real relationship." "You're meant to stay alone your entire life." There have been people who have tried to give me advice to try to help me, which I've appreciated and I try to follow their advice, but I always end up resorting to my old thinking process. Its as if I do it by instinct now. I always have these recurring thoughts. I wish it would end.

 

[PerseverareJasmine]

I feel like an idiot. I think it will be good for me to fade away. I'll probably take a break for some time, so at this point I'll say goodbye.

 

[PerseverareJasmine]

I feel like going to a beach. I've never been to one. I can't swim, but I think I'd like sitting on the sand with my feet in the water and feeling the wind blowing on my face. I bet it'd be beautiful to go to a beach at night. I'd love looking up at the stars. It sounds really peaceful to me, and I could use some peace of mind right now.

My "break" didn't turn out to be very long at all. I guess I just needed some time to clear my head and sort things out for myself.

 

[jc972]

I feel like going to a beach. I've never been to one. I can't swim, but I think I'd like sitting on the sand with my feet in the water and feeling the wind blowing on my face. I bet it'd be beautiful to go to a beach at night. I'd love looking up at the stars. It sounds really peaceful to me, and I could use some peace of mind right now.

My "break" didn't turn out to be very long at all. I guess I just needed some time to clear my head and sort things out for myself.

Can't swim! I swear if I lived close to you I'd teach you. It could save a life one day

 

[PerseverareJasmine]

Can't swim! I swear if I lived close to you I'd teach you. It could save a life one day

Nope, I can't swim. I can't whistle, swim, or ride a bike, three things I really wish I knew how to do. I am getting better with the bike situation though. I've still been working on how to ride one.

 

[jc972]

Nope, I can't swim. I can't whistle, swim, or ride a bike, three things I really wish I knew how to do. I am getting better with the bike situation though. I've still been working on how to ride one.

Just takes practice. I'm glad you're trying. Never too old to learn something new!

 

[PerseverareJasmine]

Just takes practice. I'm glad you're trying. Never too old to learn something new!

Thanks, its a bit tricky for me and I've gotten a few scrapes on the knees from falling, but if I can get it down it'll be worth all of the practice.