I've got the hots for my friend....Advice please!

SlipStream7

Well-known member
Just wanted to get some advice about how to deal with this gal who I've been friends with for the past year or two. She's a really cute little asian gal (Amy) who's bisexual, although I've never heard of her having been with women so I'm assuming she's more into men. Here's a timeline of events:

Last winter break:

I just broke off a potential relationship that wasn't going to work with someone. I get a phone call from Amy at 1 AM that lasted 2 hours and we both ended up admitting to each other that we find each other really attractive and would want to see how things worked out once we got back to college post-break. The only issue was that my roommate at the time was her ex-bf, and it was an extremely awkward situation because I had to sort of sneak out to meet with her. In the end things didn't work out, although they never really progressed either; just hanging out on the couch, watching movies, etc. I let her know that I couldn't do the roommate sneaking around thing and that maybe later we'd try again.

This past summer

Another almost relationship with the exact same girl I was sort of with before ended during christmas break. I get another midnight phone call from Amy again, with almost the exact same admittances to each other. It basically felt like she was reminding me that she thought I was attractive and that we should hang out more.

This school year

This is where it gets bizarre. I've got a single, and within a week of being here, Amy and me have become really good friends. She's called me her "best" friend multiple times. She comes to hang out with me pretty much daily for hours at a time. She leaves her clothes and stuff here, her books, etc etc etc. She's even convinced me to sleep with her (not sexually, just side by side...but in a twin bed) about 5-7 times. We go out to eat together all the time, sometimes together and sometimes with some other people. I feel like the relationship is kind of like a romantic relationship without the romance (sexuality)....but I feel like maybe she wants to move it into that stage.

Anyways, she just left after we slept together last night and I need some advice. She's not an alcoholic or anything, but she is on antidepressants and adderall...so sometimes I feel like any "signals" she's giving me are not signals at all but some result of her meds. Why is it that whenever I try to put my arm around her in bed to spoon, she sort of pushes it away (in a very passive way)? Sometimes I feel like she's just really lonely and wants to be around someone all the time, including at night. She has "love" interests (sounds like a mild puppy crush) like a supposed freshman guy (we're juniors) that she finds attractive....but she has literally spent 100x as much time with me as with him, and rarely ever talks about him...in fact she hasn't even spent time with him in awhile. The other day on the phone I told her I was kind of upset earlier in the year when I found out about her crush on him because I wanted her to like me instead of him....and her response was something along the lines of her moving on from being interested in me for various reasons.

I'm at the point now where I need to know if the way she's acting is because she's bi and that she just regards me as a good friend....or if I'm supposed to be making moves or something? At this point I feel like if I asked her if she wanted to start dating that she would look at me strangely and just say "dude, we're just good friends."

I'm hoping there are some bisexual women in here that can help clear up what's going through her mind. I know I'm really really attracted to her, but I don't know if she's mentally put me in the "good friend zone" where I'll never ever have a chance at being more than friends ever again. The main reason I'm confused is because of the sleeping together thing. I'm also kind of uncomfortable with the relationship as it stands. From my end I feel like I'm being teased, having this really hot gal who knows I find her attractive wanting to sleep together and regarding me as her best friend....but from her end it may just be that she would act like this towards her "best" friend no matter who it is, and that she isn't interested in a "relationship" anymore, considering she told me herself that she moved on...yet she literally didn't move on to anyone. I know I need to be the assertive one and I was thinking of telling her to give me some space (aka find someone else to hang out with for awhile) and see what her response is. The problem is that she's kind of "integrated" into my room, with all her stuff everywhere...so it's kind of hard to get space without doing something drastic. Basically I want a relationship with her....or I want this to devolve back into "just friends" and no more of this constant teasing (sleeping together, her wearing my clothes, etc) I'm feeling.

Thanks in advance.

-Slip
 
whoa that's a weird situation man.. I am neither bi nor female but I think you should let her know that you're not comfortable with what she's doing to you. basically if you feel used then it's best if you just tell her to spend less time with you because you need space
 

RedRibbons

Well-known member
well.. I didn't want to reply cause of the ridiculous title of this thread (very superficial and annoying..).. but I read through annnnd..

I think.. No one knows what's going through her mind, except her.

All I can say is.. If you don't want the relationship to be how it is right now.. You need to ask her what she wants.. And does she act like this with all her "best friends", let her know you're getting mixed signals, and don't get it.

If this is her idea of best friendship and it feels like a tease.. And you don't want that, you need to think about what matters to you.. And understand that sometimes.. You can't have what you want (aka a devolved relationship), so you gotta suck it up and let her go if you guys can't come to some sort of agreement.

I think it's best to get some clarity from her.. So you can move on, or pursue her.

You can remain friends, but I think you need to set some boundaries maybe??
 
Last edited:

Harleyq

Well-known member
I'm not bi, but I really don't see how that has anything at all to do with the situation you have with her. I don't see a reason why her attraction to men and women would make her treat you any differently. Bisexuality won't make her any more or less affectionate than heterosexuality.

Anyways, I think you need to sit her down and figure out where the two of you are as far as relationships go. I don't think she'll look at you strangely cause she already knows how you feel so it's not like she's going to be surprised. And once you explain to her that you're confused because she's admitted to feeling attracted to you, leaves her things at your house, spends copious hours with you, and sleeps in the same bed as you, I think she'll understand where you're coming from. Just politely tell her that you want to know where the two of you are because the current situation is difficult for you so you'd rather either be in a relationship with her, or go back to the days before she was sleeping in the same bed with you. If you don't confront her, you're never going to find out. None of us can tell you what's going on in her head.

I'd also like to add that just because she says she's moved on, doesn't mean she has to move on with someone else. Lots of people are content to be single. She may have just meant that her crush on you has subsided, and that's it.

I know this is really hard on you. I had 2 friends who were pretty much in the exact same problem...my female friend flirted A LOT with my guy friend, knowing that he had a crush on her, and it even went so far that she would get offended and hit him for checking out or commenting on another girl's attractiveness. But then when he tried to get with her, she'd turn him down or give him mixed signals. Eventually she moved, and now they don't talk anymore...it ended up just being wasted years and he had a lot of nights in pain and confusion over her. That's why I think you really need to be up front with this girl ASAP. You don't deserve to have those same sleepless nights wondering will she or won't she.
 

EgoZero

Well-known member
Damn dude. Hot assians, bisexuals, girlfriends, sex and stuff. I see this kind of shit just on porn movies, don't ask me.
 

Harleyq

Well-known member
Damn dude. Hot assians, bisexuals, girlfriends, sex and stuff. I see this kind of shit just on porn movies, don't ask me.

Lol...or on tubgirls
4v1lwo.jpg
 

SlipStream7

Well-known member
I'm confused as to why people take offense to me mentioning traits of the person I was talking about. I mentioned she was bisexual because of the fact that other bisexuals I know have preferences for a certain gender and may only be slightly interested in the other one.

So....I thought it important to mention in case maybe she's more interested in women sexually and finds the male gender to be more of "just friends" material, because that is definitely a possibility. Maybe she only finds tall blonde men sexually attractive while having a much more open preference for women? In any case, it would be better than just having you all assume she were heterosexual, in which case the signals she is sending would mean an entirely different thing.
 

Harleyq

Well-known member
I'm confused as to why people take offense to me mentioning traits of the person I was talking about. I mentioned she was bisexual because of the fact that other bisexuals I know have preferences for a certain gender and may only be slightly interested in the other one.

So....I thought it important to mention in case maybe she's more interested in women sexually and finds the male gender to be more of "just friends" material, because that is definitely a possibility. Maybe she only finds tall blonde men sexually attractive while having a much more open preference for women? In any case, it would be better than just having you all assume she were heterosexual, in which case the signals she is sending would mean an entirely different thing.

Not to me, they don't. The reason being, as stated, none of us know her; we can't tell you what her motivations are, not even other bisexual people can tell you because not every bi person operates the same way, the way not every straight person operates the same way. But I understand where you're coming from and you're just trying to include every angle of the problem.

The post itself isn't offensive but the title kind of was because the title is what gives off a first impression and "bisexual Asian hottie" makes you sound like you're trying to brag or ogle about the girl or like you're saying "I want to date her because I think it would be really cool and I'd be the man if I landed a bi, Asian hottie" as opposed a title reading "mixed signals...help?" or something of that nature.
 
Last edited:

Harleyq

Well-known member
Don't worry about it, it was just a misunderstanding and that gets cleared up as soon as people read your post. I don't think anyone will see you as a slimeball, lol.
 

Sinar_Matahari

Well-known member
Her behavior has nothing to do with bi-sexuality, this much I can tell. It is quite possible that she has put you in the friend zone. She may be teasing you but then she may not. If she is teasing you, she may be doing it to get you more interested. Perhaps she really is waiting for you to pounce on her. You should probably let her know that she's confusing you and you feel teased. Tell her how you feel and ask her to be straight with you. Maybe you should ask for some space if her being there all the time gets on your nerves. Let her know that she has this one chance to let you know if she really does want a romantic relationship otherwise you're going to keep the friendship platonic. I'm not trying to get you to manipulate her into being your girl or anything but if she is teasing you she needs to know that there's only so much you're going to put up with. A person cannot keep playing silly games. I know that I don't have much patience with that sort of thing.

By the way, I did not find the title offensive. It sure did catch my attention! I don't think you came across as a slimeball at all. You're actually a really good guy for being respectful and not groping all over her.
 
Last edited:

SlipStream7

Well-known member
Thanks for the advice....on the plentyoffish.com forums my advice query was met with hostility, voted deletion, and 30+ year old hypocrites acting like children. Needless to say I will never post on that forum ever again, every other topic gets deleted simply because a handful of people want to be judgmental asshats.

Anyways, I gave her a call a few hours ago and basically told her that I need to start locking my door when I'm away from my room because I'm worried about thefts and I need to start being more careful, so if she has anything important that she needs to get to that she should come get it. More than half the time I end up hanging out with her is when she has let herself into my room while I was in class and I come in to find her playing around on Facebook on my computer....at which point it's sort of mandatory to let her stay until she's done. I figure this is a good way to sort of condition her to start knocking before entering and not feeling as if my room is her room. She seems okay with it, so hopefully things will be fine from here on out.

I realize that the ball was actually in my court and that I needed to take charge of the situation. Now it's a win-win situation....we'll either stay as platonic friends without the excessive hanging out.....or after awhile we may discuss a relationship if she was holding out on that before. Regardless, there will be no more in-between-ness between us (lol).

-Slip
 

Harleyq

Well-known member
Thanks for the advice....on the plentyoffish.com forums my advice query was met with hostility, voted deletion, and 30+ year old hypocrites acting like children. Needless to say I will never post on that forum ever again, every other topic gets deleted simply because a handful of people want to be judgmental asshats.

Anyways, I gave her a call a few hours ago and basically told her that I need to start locking my door when I'm away from my room because I'm worried about thefts and I need to start being more careful, so if she has anything important that she needs to get to that she should come get it. More than half the time I end up hanging out with her is when she has let herself into my room while I was in class and I come in to find her playing around on Facebook on my computer....at which point it's sort of mandatory to let her stay until she's done. I figure this is a good way to sort of condition her to start knocking before entering and not feeling as if my room is her room. She seems okay with it, so hopefully things will be fine from here on out.

I realize that the ball was actually in my court and that I needed to take charge of the situation. Now it's a win-win situation....we'll either stay as platonic friends without the excessive hanging out.....or after awhile we may discuss a relationship if she was holding out on that before. Regardless, there will be no more in-between-ness between us (lol).

-Slip

Good to hear, and good luck with her.

And as Kathy Griffin would say, those people at plentyoffish can suck it. Hard. With *shlurp*.
 

Jake123

Banned
Why do so many people use plentyoffish? It's the most run-down, featureless and unprofessional-looking dating website I have ever seen in my life.
 

SlipStream7

Well-known member
hottie....and we're JUST friends??

I was just posting this thread in that forum as well because this morning (when she had just left my room) it felt like a bigger deal than it actually was. I can't believe how many narcissistic asshole "administrators" there are on that site...all of which are 30-40+ and all of which act as if they are better than everyone else simply because they are forum admins. It's not even a pay site and yet half the forum threads get deleted for "redundancy" and "obvious" and all sorts of stupid reasons. Just goes to show you that a democratic forum moderation system absolutely does not work.

The site does blow, as I've had a profile up there for 2 years so far and have only met one person from the site. Said person ended up lying about not using drugs. She met me and we went to a party....2 days later I find out she had sex with one of my friends who was at the party. I kept this to myself and later on that week she wanted to have sex with me, at which point I asked her about my friend and she flat-out lied to me about it. Later on after we break up I find out she had multiple STDs, was sent to rehab for Xanax abuse and was on parole.

Nevertheless, I feel like maybe someone intelligent might come across my profile and hit me up on aim for a chat....although all the girls nearby are heavy smoking single mothers whose profiles continually blabber about how all men are assholes and that all men like to play games, etc etc ETC! I find it funny how they condemn men as being assholes while they were the ones who consensually had sex (otherwise it'd be rape) and ended up with a kid. Bad choices on both parties and yet they totally blame men for the "joy of their life."

Meadville PA is probably the worst city on earth for dating....it's all smokers, drug users and single mothers. Unfortunately my college features only 2,100 students and I'm not one of the more social members of this campus, so dating is something that happens once in a blue moon....if ever. Regardless, this is why I have a single this year....being alone has it's benefits.

-Slip
 
Top