Is what I said rude?

[ashley07]

I've been having some problems lately and I don't feel like I'm handling them well at all. I don't know what to do about this. I feel like I'm honestly going to have a mental or nervous breakdown. (For a bunch of things combined)

I recently was having dinner with my bf, his mom and his dad. We were having a light discussion and I made a comment; referencing my boyfriend as 'he' and his mom as 'she'.
So I said something like: "he thought the food was terrible, and then she agreed with him"
As soon as I called his mother as 'she'...she completely jumped down my throat for not calling her by her first name. She kind of yelled at me over the table, saying "Call me...(First Name)! My name is ( ). You can call me by my first name you know!

I felt so humiliated and so embarrassed. I immediately stopped talking, because I feel like I can't SAY or DO anything right. I was BEYOND furious and had never had anything like this happen to me before.
When she asked me a question a minute later, I gave her a short & brief answer. My boyfriends dad starts laughing and says "she's afraid of you now." The mom laughed and goes "Oh dont worry. Theres nothing to be afraid of"

I DONT LIKE being talked about when Im sitting right there. Im NOT afraid of you...but thank you for suggesting it. I dont know how to handle these situations. I just got so quiet. I hate that this happened. I could not stand sitting there, so I got up, washed my plate, said thanks for dinner and walked away. I feel like people just want me to shut up and be quiet. I can't say anything.

 

[MikeyC]

I don't think some people like to be called "he" or "she" when they're right there. It makes it feel impersonal and it can be offensive to some people. It happened to me before.

If it bothers you too much, maybe you can mention it to your boyfriend that you felt humiliated. From the sounds of it, his mum relaxed pretty quickly afterwards, so she's not someone to hold a grudge against you for this sort of minor incident.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

I don't think his mom meant to hurt you. It sounds like she does like you. Maybe she overdid it, but she did reach out to you afterwards. Just be friendly and open. If you're serious about your boyfriend, expect to have some family stress here and there as you become part of the family.........All families have some stress. They seem comfortable with you, enough to give you a friendly scolding. Don't over think or worry about it. Open yourself up.

 

[Silatuyok]

Unfortunately, when two people from two different families come together in a relationship, each side has their own completely different idea of what is rude and what is not, and what should and should not be done/said/thought etc. I probably would have been angry in this situation as well, but believe me it's not something worth making a big deal of. This isn't a fight you want to pick. Try to brush it off and give them the benefit of the doubt. If they make rude remarks on three different occasions, then I'd say you have something to bring up.

 

[Kiwong]

Well done, Ashley, you were assertive. You have every right to be called by your name.

I have encountered that myself, where people talk about you as "he", like you are not even present or have no intelligence.

That is rude.

 

[Bo592]

My thought on this is it sound like your walking on egg shell as everyone put it. look these mistake happen.... nobody in the world has the same view on what right and wrong. What right one min could be wrong the next. I would of just told her" sorry, I did not read the book on how to be human."

 

[theoutsider]

Wait, I'm confused. Did you actually say this:

"I DONT LIKE being talked about when Im sitting right there. Im NOT afraid of you...but thank you for suggesting it."

Or is that just what you were thinking?

Are you asking if that was rude or are you asking if getting up, saying thanks for dinner and walking away was rude or are you asking if referring to his mom as 'she' is rude?

Anyway, she was out of line. People always treat those of us with SA rudely, as if they want us to shut up because they think they can run all over us since we tend to be quiet. They think the natural order of things is that they do the talking and we simultaneously listen and take whatever crap they choose to dish out. And if you stand up to them then they think you are out of order.

Whichever way you responded, kudos to you for not just sitting there and making her think there was nothing wrong with speaking to you like that. Honestly, I think your BF should have spoken up for you as well. It's his parents and he would be more comfortable than you in defending you.

 

[ashley07]

hi, i was asking if calling her 'she' by accident was rude. I didn't know it was such a big deal to call someone he or she in a conversation. That's what she is. I didn't know I made an error. It wasn't like I said it a million times, maybe twice. The problem is I didn't like how the situation made me feel. It really bothered me for some reason.

 

[dottie]

was she drinking?

 

[DanielLewis]

You should've called her by her name or said "your Mom," referring to your boyfriend's Mom. Referring to her as "she" while she is sitting there makes it sound like you think of her as insignificant. It is rude, but I think, if she was seriously angry about it, she overreacted. It's not a huge deal. Just don't do it again.

 

[ChrisBcrusty]

I've been having some problems lately and I don't feel like I'm handling them well at all. I don't know what to do about this. I feel like I'm honestly going to have a mental or nervous breakdown. (For a bunch of things combined)

I recently was having dinner with my bf, his mom and his dad. We were having a light discussion and I made a comment; referencing my boyfriend as 'he' and his mom as 'she'.
So I said something like: "he thought the food was terrible, and then she agreed with him"
As soon as I called his mother as 'she'...she completely jumped down my throat for not calling her by her first name. She kind of yelled at me over the table, saying "Call me...(First Name)! My name is ( ). You can call me by my first name you know!

I felt so humiliated and so embarrassed. I immediately stopped talking, because I feel like I can't SAY or DO anything right. I was BEYOND furious and had never had anything like this happen to me before.
When she asked me a question a minute later, I gave her a short & brief answer. My boyfriends dad starts laughing and says "she's afraid of you now." The mom laughed and goes "Oh dont worry. Theres nothing to be afraid of"

I DONT LIKE being talked about when Im sitting right there. Im NOT afraid of you...but thank you for suggesting it. I dont know how to handle these situations. I just got so quiet. I hate that this happened. I could not stand sitting there, so I got up, washed my plate, said thanks for dinner and walked away. I feel like people just want me to shut up and be quiet. I can't say anything.

Sounds like they are just A holes. I would feel the same way, except if someone was that rude to me for no reason I would be looking at them like what the !@#$ is wrong with you. Sounds like you did nothing to deserve that and if I was your bf I would be on your side haha like !@#$ my parents.

 

[Luckylife]

I think she is being devious here, has picked up on your SA and seized an opportunity to point it out by being vulgar and aggressive to you in public. Not a pleasant woman. Naturally, anything you say about this will be met with kind-hearted smiles and understanding because she has done what she wanted to do. Tell your bf you cant put up with this (and why should you?).

 

[Pacific_Loner]

hi, i was asking if calling her 'she' by accident was rude. I didn't know it was such a big deal to call someone he or she in a conversation. That's what she is. I didn't know I made an error. It wasn't like I said it a million times, maybe twice. The problem is I didn't like how the situation made me feel. It really bothered me for some reason.

Some will say it's rude, some will say it's not.

Though in general, I noticed that people in society find it more respectful to be called by their name.

This person clearly is one of these people. since you'll have to deal with her again in the future, and since you probably want to avoid unecessary conflicts, you might want to keep that detail in mind and try to apply it in your next conversation.

But if i was you I wouldn't dwell on these things: Huge waste of time and energy.

 

[Hellhound]

I DONT LIKE being talked about when Im sitting right there.

His mom probably felt the same.