I'm terrfied to go to work again.

[LeDiskoLove99]

So I started the first day at my first job at Toys R Us and I was feeling nervous but hoping for the best, I told myself I was ready for this, I had worked on getting myself more social, I had talked myself into a great state of mind, but as soon as I got there I felt dread. I was terrified because I was surrounded by so many people, and I knew that I would be under pressure. I work overnight doing stock, unloading truck, putting stuff away and whatnot. And that shift just happened to be a 6am to 9am extra shift I picked up to look good with my managers.

I was out of my element definitely, they have lockers for employees to store their things and I could not get mine open for anything, well if that didn't make me feel like I was back in high school I don't know what would, and that didn't help me at all. So I get myself ready and I go to where the manager is telling us what our tasks for the morning are and he starts training me. It is at this point that I should point out that at a young age I was diagnosed (is that the right word) with generalized learning disability, basically I just learn at a slower rate than your average person, it takes me a long, long time to process things and simple things can confuse me. I know personally that I'm not stupid, but sometimes people mistake me for being an idiot because maybe I don't learn or pick up things as fast as they think I should. I also have ADD, and I am not on medication. So I knew the whole training process would be hard, I didn't imagine it would be a nightmare.

So he told me what needed to be done and how to do it as fast as possible and left me on my own to do it, which he wasn't supposed to, we were supposed to have buddies for the whole time, I was never supposed to be alone. Which would've made this whole process so much easier. Granted I will say the other employees were super friendly and offered to help me out some, but they had their own work to do. Anyway I got confused a lot and asked a lot of questions, he came to check up on me occasionally, that's the time I took to ask questions, i was afraid to search for him in fear that he would think I was slacking off and not trying.

Needless to say I was SLOW, I worked so hard at putting things away at a quick pace but it just wasn't working out that way. And it may sound easy to simply put things away but when you have a store that huge it's just confusing. So I'm rushing to get done in a decent amount of time and I'm noticing that I'm the slowest one and I felt embarrassed and I felt stupid for asking so many questions, I basically walked around with my head down the whole time trying not to cry, it was all so overwhelming. Towards the end of my shift I had just given up, I didn't even properly do the work after that, I was tired, confused, scared and embarrassed. And I don't think my manager likes me too much. And that's not me being sensitive, anyone could see he was annoyed with me.

So as I was moving clothing racks back to the back room, I got stopped by a customer ( I had worked later into my shift than expected and customers had started coming in) and she asked me about where some items were on a registry she had. Well I didn't even think to tell her I had no idea that this was my first day, I wanted to prove to myself I could help the customers. So I tried helping her, tried pointing her in the right direction as best as I could and her response was "So basically you don't know." it wasn't what she said but in the annoyed way she said it. She was clearly very angry at me for wasting her time. And I said in my most professional and friendly voice possible "Well, no but I can find someone to help you who does if you'd like." She didn't even respond she just ignored me and walked away complaining about me to the woman she was with. At that point I'd had it. I took the racks to the back room and left. It was 10:30 when I left the store, I was supposed to be out of there at 9. I didn't even think to ask the manager about me leaving, because I didn't think he would let me with my tasks not done. I could get in trouble for punching out late.

Anyway, I left and as I'm walking to the parking lot (this store is located in basically a whole subdivision of the mall and other smaller stores and restaraunts it's huge) and I realize my ride isn't there, because I was so late. At this point I had, had enough and just started sobbing hysterically, I decided to walk the 10 miles home because I couldn't stand another minute near that place, but I didn't get very far, my feet were killing me, and I was tired and walking down around sobbing and yelling at myself. So I sat down on the curb and cried some more, which had gone from hysterical sobbing to forgetting how to breathe. I had a panic attack right in the middle of the mall parking lot, and I realized just how useless I was. If I can't hold a simple job how am I ever going to have a life? That's a terrifying thought to me.

So after I got home, had some water, smoked a few cigarettes (yes I am a smoker, it's the only thing that keeps me sane in these situations) I realized just how depressing this all was. I got into a fight with my best friend for wanting to quit, she has social anxiety as well and sucked it up enough for her job, so she thinks I can do it too. But when you add not being able to learn properly to a situation it just makes it worse. So we got into a huge fight, and it just made things worse. She told me I was being childish and she was disappointed in me for not acting like an adult with the situation, and that I was also actin like a retard. Her words not mine. By the time I laid down to take a nap I was upset, embarrassed, terrified and I'll admit suicidal.

Well I've had time to calm down and I'm searching for a different job, perhaps in a smaller store. But I still feel this sense of dread when I think of working again. I was so scared by the first experience that I'm so worried that's what it's always going to be like, I don't believe in myself enough to think i can get over all of that. It's really depressing and I can't stop thinking about it, or thinking about that customer who got impatient with me. That was worse than all of it I think, it really threw me over the edge. I hate confrontation, I mentally and emotionally shut down. So now I'm terrified and I'm hating myself because I couldn't do something so simple.

I don't know how I'm ever going to be ok in life if I can't even manage to hold a job. It's just this all over feeling of dread, and self loathing and sadness. And I needed to get it out. I need to cry about it more, spend a few days in bed and just let myself get over it. I mean I'm starting to, a little, it literally traumatized me, I can't look at my work shirt without bursting into tears, how's that for pathetic? But for the most part I'm getting over it, just not the extreme fear.

And I'm embarrassed over what a crappy job at work I did towards the end, I think I really messed things up because I just gave up. If they don't hate me I'd be really surprised.

What in the hell am I going to do?

Also if ANYONE read all of this, wow you really deserve a cookie! Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[Scandic123]

Sounds like a horrible situation, I really hope it will end up well for you. I wish I could give you some good advice, but I'm not sure if there's much to do other than just giving it another try and hoping for the best.

 

[Section_31]

wow......that's such a crap day

I wont at all pretend to know what to say. Or say something cliché like theres light at the end, bla bla bla.

Is it at all possible to see your doctor? maybe to give you something to keep yourself calmer during the first few weeks? (this is assuming you want to keep trying, if you've quit forgive me, just want to help). Maybe something to take the edge off will help you focus more to learn the tasks required? and in time build that confidence you need for this?.

Your going to have days where you just want to throw your hands up. Your also going to have days where you feel sort of good......

Your job, is to take care of you, and hang on, even when you don't feel you can.

I think the doctor might be a good first step. I don't know how you feel about that but I would seriously consider it....just an idea.

Keep us posted!

 

[LeDiskoLove99]

wow......that's such a crap day

I wont at all pretend to know what to say. Or say something cliché like theres light at the end, bla bla bla.

Is it at all possible to see your doctor? maybe to give you something to keep yourself calmer during the first few weeks? (this is assuming you want to keep trying, if you've quit forgive me, just want to help). Maybe something to take the edge off will help you focus more to learn the tasks required? and in time build that confidence you need for this?.

Your going to have days where you just want to throw your hands up. Your also going to have days where you feel sort of good......

Your job, is to take care of you, and hang on, even when you don't feel you can.

I think the doctor might be a good first step. I don't know how you feel about that but I would seriously consider it....just an idea.

Keep us posted!

Thank you. Sometimes you don't need people to know what to say, it simply makes you feel better that they even try. But you're right, meds would really help. I'm working on that, I have to wait until my mom gets paid so she can help me with the costs, seeing as I have no insurance. But I plan on it, and hopefully if I get approved for insurance I will be going to therapy. And I haven't quit yet, I have another possible job offer, but if that doesn't work out I'm going to keep this job or search for another one. I can't give up completely, I just have to try to find the right place for me.

 

[Richey]

I have trained new staff before, (different job).

People love it when you show them how to do tasks, they also like it when you don't behave above them. So I just talked to new staff as if they are someone you want to help.

If you were having a hard time, then the supervisors weren't doing their job properly. Even if you were slow, a good supervisor would come over and quietly help out.

Be careful of supervisors who are just around because of ego, some don't do their jobs properly.

Now as for you, you can try to ask another employee for help.

Also, try writing down what you learnt on paper after you complete your shift, just so you can use it as a guide.

It can get complex in retail though. Lots to remember.

If I was a supervisor I would have no problem with employees finding it difficult in the first month or even the first 6 months. Being slow would be expected.

Also, try your best to relax, so you don't confuse yourself and don't be afraid to admit that you have forgotten, even if you think it's annoying, existing staff like it when new staff ask to make sure.

Good luck, do your best.

Retail is not easy. Just do your best and if things go right or wrong, don't take it personally, just use it as an example to learn.

There are a lot of people out there that would struggle in retail. So you are far from alone. I struggled as well, but learnt some skills.

Just use it as a learning experience.

 

[Richey]

Also take it easy.

Remember there is way more to life then 1 job.

 

[Subpop]

EDIT
I was out of my element definitely, they have lockers for employees to store their things and I could not get mine open for anything, well if that didn't make me feel like I was back in high school I don't know what would, and that didn't help me at all. So I get myself ready and I go to where the manager is telling us what our tasks for the morning are and he starts training me. It is at this point that I should point out that at a young age I was diagnosed (is that the right word) with generalized learning disability, basically I just learn at a slower rate than your average person, it takes me a long, long time to process things and simple things can confuse me. I know personally that I'm not stupid, but sometimes people mistake me for being an idiot because maybe I don't learn or pick up things as fast as they think I should. I also have ADD, and I am not on medication. So I knew the whole training process would be hard, I didn't imagine it would be a nightmare.

So he told me what needed to be done and how to do it as fast as possible and left me on my own to do it, which he wasn't supposed to, we were supposed to have buddies for the whole time, I was never supposed to be alone. Which would've made this whole process so much easier. Granted I will say the other employees were super friendly and offered to help me out some, but they had their own work to do. Anyway I got confused a lot and asked a lot of questions, he came to check up on me occasionally, that's the time I took to ask questions, i was afraid to search for him in fear that he would think I was slacking off and not trying. EDIT

Personally from reading the above I think you did many things really well, in fact very well given the hurdles thrown at you on your first shift, starting with the uncooperative locker!. The fact that you were aware that your supervisor didn't actually provide adequate training says to me that you want to do things right.....which from an employers viewpoint is awesome. The other thing you did well was to not insult the impatient customer.

Basically, you are trying to complete a giant 3D jigsaw puzzle but you don't have the luxury of sitting at a table with all the pieces laid out in front of you and a coffee and some chilled music playing in the background. You are figuring out the jigsaw in real time, in an unfamiliar environment, with unfamiliar people and an underlying level of anxiety from 'thinking' about the new job.

I suspect that the more familiar you become with the things I mentioned above, the less anxious you will feel. Don't worry about being slow.....it is better to be methodical and get it right the first time, or second time, and take longer than rush and make mistakes.

Good luck with the job/s

 

[Froggy246]

Personally from reading the above I think you did many things really well, in fact very well given the hurdles thrown at you on your first shift, starting with the uncooperative locker!. The fact that you were aware that your supervisor didn't actually provide adequate training says to me that you want to do things right.....which from an employers viewpoint is awesome. The other thing you did well was to not insult the impatient customer.

Basically, you are trying to complete a giant 3D jigsaw puzzle but you don't have the luxury of sitting at a table with all the pieces laid out in front of you and a coffee and some chilled music playing in the background. You are figuring out the jigsaw in real time, in an unfamiliar environment, with unfamiliar people and an underlying level of anxiety from 'thinking' about the new job.

I suspect that the more familiar you become with the things I mentioned above, the less anxious you will feel. Don't worry about being slow.....it is better to be methodical and get it right the first time, or second time, and take longer than rush and make mistakes.

Good luck with the job/s

I'd have to echo that sentiment, there were lots of things that revealed you are very employable, and would be an asset to any workplace, once you have learnt the ropes of course, which takes time to do.
Maybe it wasn't the right gig for you, not meant to be, after some rest and recuperation you may even find that you learned some things and gained some experience ready for trying something else.
I have done a disappearing act on countless jobs over the years, same sort of distressing situations in the initial stages, and I can relate to the emotional aftermath as well, ignoring phone calls from angry job agency personal and feeling bad for disappointing people etc. But in amongst all that and probably because I didn't stick at stuff that was too hellish I've stumbled on some jobs that I could cope with, and quite liked

 

[LazyHermitCrab]

It seems like you really tried tho so don't feel bad. Retail jobs are horrible :/ I would recommend anything but retail because it's all pretty much the same. Sometimes the only choice you have at a certain time is to work retail. I think a clothing store would be better because not everyone is going to buy the clothes as quick so you don't have to stock things as fast. If you like movies, work at a movie store and talk about movies all day.

 

[Bronson99]

If it's the first day at you first job, I would say that's a relatively normal response for someone with social anxiety, etc. It will get better, but if you want to look for another job, I certainly wouldn't blame you.

 

[Buda]

do you deliver cookies out of US?

what I realized with the years it's a work is damn better than no work at all, please don't do same mistake of myself. you should probably try to get around people that may help you this work beginning

some suggestions that may help:

1. sleep well and in rigid schedules
(this far more important that it seems and for some people as hard). you will need probably more hours to put yourself in order with so much anxiety during the day - i know a lot of social people going to bed at 10p.m, so feel free to do so.

2. invite a different person to drive you to the work or catch you after - same family or friends

3. exercise for awhile this time, some miles walking can lift your mood sometimes!

4. music, music, music....i'm sure it doesn't need to say why

5. try to get some time for a coffee or a smoke with a friend at work, even 5 min sometimes will help you for the rest of the shift

6. WAIT FOR THE 1ST PAYCHECK, who doesn't likes money anyway?

normally there are 9 steps, I probably miss something here be free to update with other things that it makes u feel good

 

[LeBobSauce]

First post here.. Hello .. What I want to tell you is ... that severe anxiety and depression have the bad habit to make everything seem much more worse than they're.

Remember that it not written in your face you're anxious and people might not be judging you the way you think . It all in your head. You're actually just fearing fear. Which make everything seem out of proportion.

Also having a bad first day happens to everyone. Having a bad experience at a new job does not make you bad or stupid. Maybe the manager was a dumb ***, but because of your anxiety and bad self-esteem you turn every failure toward you.

IMo if I were you.. I would rewrite this like if you had no anxiety problem.. you might see that most of your fear are actually all in your head and realize that this job was just teh sucks and move on.

Stop putting so much pressure on your shoulder and accept that you're nervous and might make a lot of mistake because of it. So even if they don't understand you because eh they can't read in your face that you have social phobia. Remember that Bob Sauce understand you and everyone on this site.

 

[Ignace]

I remember my first day at work .. Those damn lockers, I had the same problem.
I locked it but when it was lunchtime i couldn't get it open anymore, had to ask other ppl to help me break it open, terrible .. terrible.:sad:
By going there every day you'll get the hang of it and after a while the job itself won't be a problem for you anymore.
Next time if a customer asks you where something is located just tell them that you're new and honestly don't know where it is.
Trying to know where something is just doesn't work.
Good luck with your first job !

 

[Funtimefrank]

Its your first day , your meant to ask loads of questions!
Aslong as your on time and make effort thats all the managers really want.
Just show you put lots of effort in and dont give up!
And id reccomend telling customers its your first day , may trigger some empathy

 

[LeDiskoLove99]

Thank you to everyone who responded, all of the responses really do help me to feel a little better.

 

[hardy]

Dear friend,

Start slowly...it's easy to get overwhelmed when burdened with so much expectations. May be start with 2-3 hrs easy jobs...like cleaning, washing cars etc....i don't think money is too bad in West for these jobs too.

Some good advice above. Also, you can try to be aware of the mind...it plays a lot of tricks with us. If the mind and us were the same, we can make it play according to our whims....but it has its own needs/games to play. Be an observer.

We need to learn to take a step away from what's going on and start learning without getting too personal. World out there is not decent.

It's brave thing that you did going out there....but i think one needs to learn swimming in a pool first and then go for an Ocean.

I used to think i will meditate for 3-4 hrs at a go...but it was such a huge burden, i almost lost interest in it. Am going to begin with 15 mins...and without too many expectations.

With Lots of good wishes

 

[Silatuyok]

That sounds like an overwhelmingly horrible first day. I think it's great that you recognize that you need to take the time to yourself to get over this, put it behind you, mourn the day in a sense, and put it to rest.
As bad as the day was, I don't think you should look at it as a failure. You were very brave, and put yourself in a very difficult and stressful situation, and you completed your shift and were responsible in making sure you got all your work done and even after all that you made a sincere effort to be helpful to a rude customer! To me you sound like a GOOD employee. Most people who work retail jobs just don't even care, but you seem like you honestly want to do well at what you are doing. I applaud you for that because it's not easy to find such a good work ethic.
The thing is, you need to get out there and try again, and there will be more bad days. But every bad day, as bad as they seem, will prepare you a little more for the days to come. Believe me, the vast majority of people have to go through this conditioning process, especially when it comes to customer service-type jobs. The next time a rude customer asks you a question you can't answer, you will know to immediately say that you will find another person to help her/him. And every day will get a little easier and a little less confusing until you are stocking those shelves like a pro. Don't sell yourself short. If it takes you longer to learn things, then give yourself that time to learn it and that chance to prove yourself. It sounds like you are the only one in this situation who is criticizing you for the day you had!
Don't give up.