im 27 and never had a girlfriend/afraid of starting a relationship!

[aidan]

hey all im new to the forums here.
I've never had a girlfriend and its getting me a bit down at this stage, i feel like a loser. i see/ hear of old school friends an just people my age generally with partners and either married or kids, or both.
i have never gotten close to a girl due to various reasons, in school it was because i was bullied a lot so my confidence was taken away. when i finished school i was unemployed and a manic depressive for about 4 years so i literally became a hermit. i lost all friends (so called friends) i became a recluse and just stayed at home all day everyday, i live at home with my parents. i got a job eventually and been in that for the last 6 years now almost. im not depressed but i do get a bit down and feel very lonely all the time.

my problem is, i met this girl online a few months back through a dating website i signed up to we swapped numbers, when she wanted to meet up for a date i panicked and i made up excuse that i wasn't ready and i regretted registering on the site and apologized etc i made up some stupid excuse that im not ready for a relationship and i thought i was. my social phobia has prevented me from dating because im terrified, im afraid because i live in my bedroom, its the only place im comfortable and safe. and a relationship involves me getting out and socializing, meeting people, going out drinking to bars/pubs etc, which isn't my scene and i think it is to her. we are still friends and text each other and get along great, we are due to meet up for a few drinks Saturday for the first time (just as friends) but i'd like to maybe try ask her on a date, she said she is thinking of getting back with her ex boyfriend as there doesn't seem to be any decent guys around, he wants to get back with her but she said she'd think about it. her and her ex have had a 4 year relationship.
should i stand back and just accept defeat and accept i blew my chance or should i tell id like to try a date if she'd like? what should i do?

 

[Liam17]

hey all im new to the forums here.
I've never had a girlfriend and its getting me a bit down at this stage, i feel like a loser. i see/ hear of old school friends an just people my age generally with partners and either married or kids, or both.
i have never gotten close to a girl due to various reasons, in school it was because i was bullied a lot so my confidence was taken away. when i finished school i was unemployed and a manic depressive for about 4 years so i literally became a hermit. i lost all friends (so called friends) i became a recluse and just stayed at home all day everyday, i live at home with my parents. i got a job eventually and been in that for the last 6 years now almost. im not depressed but i do get a bit down and feel very lonely all the time.

my problem is, i met this girl online a few months back through a dating website i signed up to we swapped numbers, when she wanted to meet up for a date i panicked and i made up excuse that i wasn't ready and i regretted registering on the site and apologized etc i made up some stupid excuse that im not ready for a relationship and i thought i was. my social phobia has prevented me from dating because im terrified, im afraid because i live in my bedroom, its the only place im comfortable and safe. and a relationship involves me getting out and socializing, meeting people, going out drinking to bars/pubs etc, which isn't my scene and i think it is to her. we are still friends and text each other and get along great, we are due to meet up for a few drinks Saturday for the first time (just as friends) but i'd like to maybe try ask her on a date, she said she is thinking of getting back with her ex boyfriend as there doesn't seem to be any decent guys around, he wants to get back with her but she said she'd think about it. her and her ex have had a 4 year relationship.
should i stand back and just accept defeat and accept i blew my chance or should i tell id like to try a date if she'd like? what should i do?

I know how you feel man, although your older. I too have never had a girlfriend and was bullied at school, it destroyed my confidence.

I think you should go for it and ask her for a date, worst that can happen is no, and you might regret it later.

 

[aidan]

hey Liam, thanks for the reply. sorry to hear your in a similar situation, i appreciate the input. i feel tho if i tell her it might backfire or something. its such a struggle for me to go out in the first place

 

[A friend]

hey all im new to the forums here.
I've never had a girlfriend and its getting me a bit down at this stage, i feel like a loser. i see/ hear of old school friends an just people my age generally with partners and either married or kids, or both.
i have never gotten close to a girl due to various reasons, in school it was because i was bullied a lot so my confidence was taken away. when i finished school i was unemployed and a manic depressive for about 4 years so i literally became a hermit. i lost all friends (so called friends) i became a recluse and just stayed at home all day everyday, i live at home with my parents. i got a job eventually and been in that for the last 6 years now almost. im not depressed but i do get a bit down and feel very lonely all the time.

my problem is, i met this girl online a few months back through a dating website i signed up to we swapped numbers, when she wanted to meet up for a date i panicked and i made up excuse that i wasn't ready and i regretted registering on the site and apologized etc i made up some stupid excuse that im not ready for a relationship and i thought i was. my social phobia has prevented me from dating because im terrified, im afraid because i live in my bedroom, its the only place im comfortable and safe. and a relationship involves me getting out and socializing, meeting people, going out drinking to bars/pubs etc, which isn't my scene and i think it is to her. we are still friends and text each other and get along great, we are due to meet up for a few drinks Saturday for the first time (just as friends) but i'd like to maybe try ask her on a date, she said she is thinking of getting back with her ex boyfriend as there doesn't seem to be any decent guys around, he wants to get back with her but she said she'd think about it. her and her ex have had a 4 year relationship.
should i stand back and just accept defeat and accept i blew my chance or should i tell id like to try a date if she'd like? what should i do?

I know exactly how you feel. I never had a girlfriend, never had a chance/choice, and there's a %0.001 chance I'll even get anywhere directly or indirectly close to that.

I'm also unemployed, and I'm unwilling to go into bars or anything like that. My suggestion is that you go try to get her unless she's still in love with her ex.

But I think the best thing you can do right now is talk to Kiwong, he successfully eliminated his need for love.

 

[Liam17]

hey Liam, thanks for the reply. sorry to hear your in a similar situation, i appreciate the input. i feel tho if i tell her it might backfire or something. its such a struggle for me to go out in the first place

It could backfire, but would you rather take your chance. We always think of the bad things that could happen, but think of the good.

 

[GoBlue72]

Hey aidan,

I know it's easy to say rather than hear, but I would say to go for it. People way overuse the "what's the worst that can happen", especially to people with anxiety issues. However, I think since you've already done the legwork of actually contacting her online and texting with her, it'd be a shame not to follow up while she's still interested(it sounds like).

Take it from me, as I've posted a couple times about myself, I've been single most of my life and am 38. It doesn't truly get any easier to most of us that get into habits of avoidance and negative thinking, etc. I would rather have said "at least I had that girlfriend for a short time" than "I wonder what would've happened." Of course, it's ultimately up to you. But I think you could be asking because you know somewhere inside you really think you can make it happen.

 

[WriterChick3]

You should ask her out; If it backfires, atleast you took the chance and took a step out of your comfort zone.

It can also be practice for when you meet another girl you may be interested in.

 

[Frazy91]

I live in my bedroom pretty much all the time too, i actually got lucky with meeting someone through facebook of all places! However they were a friend of a friend.

When it came down to meeting her for the first time, i was really anxious and i was putting off the subject of having to meet her cause i was just too worried. Eventually i bit the bullet and went for it, yes i was nervous, yes i was panicky, and yes it was awkward the first time. But it developed and now a year and a month later its still going.

If there is potential there with someone you like, then id go out with them just once. If it dosent go well then fine. It might be panicky and nerve racking but it will only happen one time. Either something develops out of it, and you will hopefully become less anxious, or nothing happens and you can move on without wondering "what if?"

 

[Phoenixx]

Welcome to the forum, aiden Sorry to hear about your situation. If she doesn't get back with her ex, you should definitely ask her out. If it doesn't work, at least you were able to push yourself out of that "comfort zone", which another said was good practice for future girls you'll meet. And hopefully you two could even continue to be friends.

 

[Minty]

Fight for it. If you give up, you lose her. If you try, there is a chance you'll find a really great person to be your partner. And if it doesn't pan out, at least you will have this feeling of accomplishment that you actually faced your fear. Really, the second option is a win/win and the first option is a lose/lose.

 

[JamesSmith]

Well you got farther in online dating than I have. I haven't gotten a date yet, and am not sure if I ever will. Yeah, I've thought about how it will be a little scary to meet the girl somewhere. But you have to look at it this way, if you never go out in to the real world and meet someone, you never will meet someone. You've got to take the plunge some time. I've had one g/f before, and it was worth it to take the chance in asking her out and going on dates with her. It was fun to connect with the opposite sex for the first time in my life. I've never really been that close with a girl besides 3rd grade when I had a friend that was a girl. Which reminds me that I've had a friend that's a girl b4. I totally forgot about that until just now.

 

[GoBlue72]

Serious tangent I guess, but reading through some of the responses reminded me of something. People are talking about if you don't give it a shot, you won't know what could've happened. Kind of the opposite of an episode of "The Simpsons": I think Homer asks Bart and Lisa "what have I taught you about life?" And Bart responds "if it's too hard, don't try." But don't do that in this case.

 

[uhmm_doh]

Serious tangent I guess, but reading through some of the responses reminded me of something. People are talking about if you don't give it a shot, you won't know what could've happened. Kind of the opposite of an episode of "The Simpsons": I think Homer asks Bart and Lisa "what have I taught you about life?" And Bart responds "if it's too hard, don't try." But don't do that in this case.

Haha yes, I remember that one. There's another similar Homer Simpson quote: "You tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is: never try."

Again, it goes without saying, but don't live by that!

 

[blackgatescross]

I feel your pain, mate. I am 28 years old, never had a girlfriend and never been out on a date.

I think women are great and I have a few female friends, however I am terrified to take anything further with any woman as I am worried what they would think if they found what I am really like. I wouldn't know the first thing about approaching a woman, what to say, where to go for a date, or how to behave on a date. I blame my social anxiety for this. You are supposed to learn this stuff when you are young, however some of us fall through the cracks.

Everyone who has responded to your post is saying you should go for it. I agree, don't be like me and spend years wondering 'what if?'.

Cheers

 

[Richey]

I feel your pain, mate. I am 28 years old, never had a girlfriend and never been out on a date.

I think women are great and I have a few female friends, however I am terrified to take anything further with any woman as I am worried what they would think if they found what I am really like. I wouldn't know the first thing about approaching a woman, what to say, where to go for a date, or how to behave on a date. I blame my social anxiety for this. You are supposed to learn this stuff when you are young, however some of us fall through the cracks.

Everyone who has responded to your post is saying you should go for it. I agree, don't be like me and spend years wondering 'what if?'.

Cheers

From my experience i find that girls want a certain type of guy physically and in traits, personality, career status that is sort of common, not always but a lot of the time, for instance i used to work where girls outnumbered us boys and whenever a "hunk" as they were referred to walked into the room then all the girls would giggle and joke too each other "do you think he's taken" ...

There was a girl i really got on well with and i really tried to have fun and to joke about, i was really nice as well but then suddenly a 6 foot 9 hercules would walk into the store and she would flirt so much with them.

Things like this make me realise that finding a girlfriend is going to be really hard, like climbing a huge mountain.

i look more like a skinny musician then i do a tradesman who goes to the gym three hours a day even though i exercise and play sports.

I remember being invited out with some people from work and the girls would all throw themsleves at two specific guys who were general managers.

Life is just a game of monopoly and it is survival of the fittest and some people are luckier then others no matter how hard you try.

 

[Sick Nick]

Wow, just about everything you wrote is me and how my life is man. Anyway yeah this past couple years I've been working and that helped me come out of my shell. I've been taking more chances. I went out on a date once and it was great (that girl moved away to be closer to her family shortly after). Still glad I did it though and if anything I've learned from things like that is it gets easier and better the more you do it. Approached some girls recently but they either had husbands or boyfriends, etc. The hardest part is finding that girl who is single and willing to give ya a shot. If you got a chance man you should take it.

 

[aidan]

hello everyone,
i want to say ''THANK YOU'' to each and every one of you who bothered to read my post and reply. had a particularly bad day at work so to come home and have quite a few posts to read here and its made me happy to see people have given me their thoughts.
however there is also a bit of sadness as i read the replies...
im really sorry to you guys that are in the same situation i truly am, it sucks being afraid to take a chance in life. to step out of the comfort zone.
i thought i was the only guy out there like this! i hope things improve for every one of you.

i should point out that i have reached out 2 other times to women by meeting them online before (seems the only way i can meet girls) due to my social phobia, and i got stung badly by them both, the first girl (i was 23 at the time) i got my first kiss off. she ended up stabbing me in the back and i fell into depression after that, i think i didn't eat for a week at the time. took me a long time to stand up again. so yeah, life throws a lot of s**t your way.
i have conversation problems too. i don't know how to create a conversation or keep it going, my mind goes blank!!
i don't have a clue how to approach a woman or what to say, how to behave, what to do/not to do. im not gonna begin on flirting, i don't have a clue. i can barely look a woman in the eye and make contact my confidence is so low.

im going to take the advice on board i got here today and i think what i will do is see how we get on Saturday. as we haven't met in person yet if we still click really well i may tell her how i feel, well i plan on telling her, easier said than done. this is the social phobia thing kicking in, id be dead nervous as it is in a pub in town with a girl, not only that but to tell her how i feel to her face!!

 

[Felgen]

From my experience i find that girls want a certain type of guy physically and in traits, personality, career status that is sort of common, not always but a lot of the time, for instance i used to work where girls outnumbered us boys and whenever a "hunk" as they were referred to walked into the room then all the girls would giggle and joke too each other "do you think he's taken" ...

There was a girl i really got on well with and i really tried to have fun and to joke about, i was really nice as well but then suddenly a 6 foot 9 hercules would walk into the store and she would flirt so much with them.

Things like this make me realise that finding a girlfriend is going to be really hard, like climbing a huge mountain.

i look more like a skinny musician then i do a tradesman who goes to the gym three hours a day even though i exercise and play sports.

I remember being invited out with some people from work and the girls would all throw themsleves at two specific guys who were general managers.

Life is just a game of monopoly and it is survival of the fittest and some people are luckier then others no matter how hard you try.

First of all, if you go three hours to the gym every day, your body will go into starvation mode and your testosterone level will plummet. If you want a great body, follow the diet and workout routine of a celebrity with a similar somatotype as you. I'm a meso-endomorph, so whatever works for Russell Crowe works for me in terms of excercise. If you're a skinny musician (ectomorph), then whatever works for Edward Norton or Brad Pitt may work for you.

You seem to be putting girlfriends on a pedestal. Whenever you flirt with a girl, go out with a girl or even talk with a girl, you shouldn't expect her to be "the one". This is a cliche, but try to make friends with girls. I'm not talking about "friends" who'll use you as an emotional tampon, but friends you can have fun with. If a girl only uses you to rant and apart from that treats you like a leprotic, she's not worth your time and just manipulating your feelings so that you'll listen to her "problems".

Women prefer different things in terms of looks. The only thing "everyone" wants is a physically fit body. Leonardo DiCaprio, Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom and Gerard Butler are all considered "handsome", but don't look an awful lot like each other. Good looks may get you laid, but you can't rely on good looks and charisma alone to get a long term relationship.

 

[aidan]

OK im just home from meeting up with that girl, and what a DISASTER. i was ok up until i arrived in town, then i got a bit panicky. i collected her from her house and we went to a pub for a few drinks, i am not exaggerating when i say this, but i hardly strung 2 sentences together in 2 hours we were there. i feel like such an IDIOT. i had it all set what i was gonna say and what subjects i was gonna talk to her about, (just to make conversation flow). but it didn't turn out that way. my mind went blank & i just couldn't get the words out, i just couldn't think of what i was gonna talk about. she did all the talking. just a total disaster.
i do feel good i forced myself out of my comfort zone of my bedroom and got out for a few hours but in all honestly i wish i didn't try at all. i feel like a total loser. i cant even take a friend out and show her a good time. i don't know whether to laugh or cry in all honestly. i tried, and i let myself down again.

 

[thor01]

First of all, if you go three hours to the gym every day, your body will go into starvation mode and your testosterone level will plummet. If you want a great body, follow the diet and workout routine of a celebrity with a similar somatotype as you. I'm a meso-endomorph, so whatever works for Russell Crowe works for me in terms of excercise. If you're a skinny musician (ectomorph), then whatever works for Edward Norton or Brad Pitt may work for you.

You seem to be putting girlfriends on a pedestal. Whenever you flirt with a girl, go out with a girl or even talk with a girl, you shouldn't expect her to be "the one". This is a cliche, but try to make friends with girls. I'm not talking about "friends" who'll use you as an emotional tampon, but friends you can have fun with. If a girl only uses you to rant and apart from that treats you like a leprotic, she's not worth your time and just manipulating your feelings so that you'll listen to her "problems".

Women prefer different things in terms of looks. The only thing "everyone" wants is a physically fit body. Leonardo DiCaprio, Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom and Gerard Butler are all considered "handsome", but don't look an awful lot like each other. Good looks may get you laid, but you can't rely on good looks and charisma alone to get a long term relationship.

I actually think good looks alone wont get you laid either. You could be the "best" looking man, but it depends what you do. If like many people on here including myself, you don't "go out", and dont put yourself in enough social situations where there are girls, or dont happen to be in the right place to meet enough girls, you won't get any. Especially since most girls expect guys to find and speak to them first. If any of those actors mentioned weren't millionaire famous actors, and they were people like us, with our problems, I bet they'd be in the same position. If this isn't true then luck must play a HUGE part in it all. But I think theres more to it than that.
I'd even say isadly in alot of (not all) cases its why guys want girlfriends and cant bear the thought of them leaving them, and sometimes even get married, because they know that without them, its not easy to get sex. And its why many, even "good looking" guys will settle for girls they dont even consider that attractive.