If You Really Knew Me

Really, I'm not so bad. Once you get to know me.

If you really knew me, you'd see that even though I have a very flippant side and often act like a goofball, I think quite deeply and seriously about certain things, but experience has taught me that people seem to prefer the clown.

That I'm not worth it.

anomicdeer said: ↑

That I'm not worth it.

Warum?

Your signature, almost invisable. Deutsch has always fascinated me. Especailly the way questions are asked.

Well if you insist on knowing, then if you truly saw who I am, you would do the honorable act of protecting all those around you as well as yourself by attempting to kill me. You would hate me, at the very least, scorn or pity me. If you truly knew me, you would know what darkness is like.

Silvox Black said: ↑

Well if you insist on knowing, then if you truly saw who I am, you would do the honorable act of protecting all those around you as well as yourself by attempting to kill me. You would hate me, at the very least, scorn or pity me. If you truly knew me, you would know what darkness is like.

It gets dark. Seems to last a long time. Then I found the light switch.

No, I see what you're saying. A curious question: why?

You'll learn that there's not really much to me. I'm quite the boring individual in real life.

You'd probably like me.

You'd know that I feel like I can't be contained within so small a space as is my own head. That I overflow with emotion and thoughts that I want to share but sometimes can't get across properly in communication. Not that most people would care to understand.

If you really knew me you would know where these scars are form, why I can't talk to people, why I won' come to the dance, why I sit alone at school, why I don't have friends.. etc.

If someone really knew me, they wouldn't like me that much, they would probably creep away and say "Eew, that girl is such an emo. Did you know she used to cut herself?" I hate how the whole cutting thing is associated with being emo.. Though it probably is..

Anyways, I think I could've been a great person with close friends, people who cared about me, and someone who would never hurt me -- but I've got too many things messed up in my head to maintain friends or have someone who loves me. That's all in my fantasy for now. 😉

Even if I did get someone who truly loved me, it would be bad. DPD and SA are a horrible combination. I'd probably be way too clingy of them and then that would probably drive them off.. Hm..

Sial Axetder said: ↑

It gets dark. Seems to last a long time. Then I found the light switch.

No, I see what you're saying. A curious question: why?

I'm afraid you'll need to be a bit more specific. What do you refer to when you ask why?

if you really knew me.. you'd know i've taken just about every negative aspect of my life and learned from it and pulled something positive out of it. you'd know that i really love being the person my friends come to for advice. you'd know i've known, watched and listened to many many different kinds of people in my life, and i tend to be able to easily read into others because of it. you'd know i'm 22 and just now wanting to start doing things with my life. you'd know my agoraphobia/general anxiety disorder has been the only thing to show me what i really want to do with my life.

🙂

IYRKM-

I am not stuck up or a jerk for not talking or even looking at you, I am just very very very very very very very very very shy but that doesn't mean i need to be treated like a charity case either, i'm also very smart and can see through ur games

*this is removed*

Silvox Black said: ↑

I'm afraid you'll need to be a bit more specific. What do you refer to when you ask why?

Sorry about that. Tend to be vague sometimes ... a lot of times. Maybe.

Reread your post. I rephrase: You seemed most certain that's what we would know. Why is that so?

Sial Axetder said: ↑

Sorry about that. Tend to be vague sometimes ... a lot of times. Maybe.

Reread your post. I rephrase: You seemed most certain that's what we would know. Why is that so?

It would be a natural, perhaps inherent reaction, to cringe from thoughts that are malicious and hateful. People would not enjoy such hateful or dark thoughts; I highly doubt that anyone openly embraces a person that would enjoy causing pain to others.

p i a n o♬ said: ↑

I hate how the whole cutting thing is associated with being emo.. Though it probably is..

Black Metal fans were cutting themselves long before Emo kids were. Back in the old days instead of head banging/dancing to a black metal song, you would cut yourself.

I also hate that people associate self harm with emo. Shows just how mean and ignorant people can be.

Sometimes I do it to myself.

Sorry.......

If you really knew me, you would know just how pathetic I am. You would see how much of a nerd I am. You would see how unusual and boring I am.

If you really knew me, you might see how understanding and kind I can be. If you really knew me, you might also see how much hatred lies within.

Silvox Black said: ↑

It would be a natural, perhaps inherent reaction, to cringe from thoughts that are malicious and hateful. People would not enjoy such hateful or dark thoughts; I highly doubt that anyone openly embraces a person that would enjoy causing pain to others.

You are correct.

I do not know you, cannot say it false or otherwise. I choose to trust what you say about what we would know.

Uncertain of your true actions. Not simply based we are with thoughts. One's actions and reactions or lack of must play a determinant role in who we are. You say dark thoughts, hateful. Many will claim the same.

I like to believe there is more to you than what you say here.

if you really knew me, you'd see that i have the ability to love like no other, the capacity to completely give myself to someone, just to see them happy. you'd see that although my SA can be debilitating at times, im capable of completely forgetting it just for that one person. you'd see that i believe in love to the fullest extent, love for a boyfriend or a girlfriend, love for a best friend. i believe love is the thing that can save us all. i read jane austen & believe disney fairy tales can come true, if you believe in them enough.

but if you really knew me, you'd also know that after years of pain, & getting lied & humiliated, getting my feelings tossed aside, getting hurt by the people i trusted [against my better judgement & my SA] the most in the world, i constantly have to wear a mask. a cold-hearted, cynical, apathetic mask, i have to be this tortured, caged animal. i want to be the one to jump into love, not have this fear that im going to get torn apart all over again, i want to just let go, but i cant. because i cannot trust. i automatically assume anything anyone says to me is a lie. why? because all the others lied, even when i believed them.