I get used alot

1

123456switch

Member
I am the guy that always buys present for his friends on their birthdays. If I was planning on sitting around all day after a busy work-week, and a friend asked for last-minute help, I`d be there for him no questions asked. I`m really, really nice. I was. Its going away. I`ve had my girlfriends leave me for my friends, I`ve been stuck with all the bills after having friends as roommates, I`ve gone out of my way to be friendly, and it`s never reciprocated. When they need help, I`m there for them, when I need help, they are busy. If they want to go to a concert and I hate the band, I will go if they ask, just because they are my friend and I want them to be happy. If I ask them to go to do something I like they say they aren`t into it. They won`t even come out with me to meet women. And I hate going out alone so...I`m single. The thing that bugs is me is that I would do it for them. I don`t ask anything I wouldn`t be prepared to offer myself, if asked.
 
G

gummybear22

Well-known member
wow you sound like the nicest guy ever. and contrary to an odd somewhat popular belief, being a nice guy is NOT a bad thing. hate that others aren't nice to you though. just gotta find the right people. not all are horrible.
what kind of stuff do you like?
 
J

jaim38

Well-known member
Friendships and relationships should be a 2-way street. There is the implication that when you help a friend, the friend should reciprocate and help you back. If you're investing so much time to make these people happy but they are not willing to put in the same amount, then I say they're probably not your friends. It's best to move on and find new friends who don't use you.
 
MikeyC

MikeyC

Well-known member
Hellhound said:
Perhaps you should invest in better friends.
Click to expand...
Possibly, yes.

As an addition to that, being that generous and bending over backwards to help your friends, even to the detriment of yourself, is always going to lead to bad places. I can see that you like your friends and it's natural to see the people that mean a lot to you do well. However, there's no reason to be at their beckoned call at any given moment.

Perhaps you need to learn to say "no." It's actually quite a difficult word! If you can't go somewhere, or you have plans, tell your friends that! If they truly are your friends, they're not going to shun you for not being their doormat. It's not an easy concept, but you're at a point where you are not getting the same treatment back, and it's created an imbalance in your friendship that's straining you.

Furthermore, I suspect your friends don't even realise they're doing anything wrong. If possible, it'll be best to approach them and tell them that you've got this issue. Again, true friends will respect what you say. If they don't, were they friends to begin with?

Overall, communication is key.
 
Richey

Richey

Well-known member
Another thing to add is that at work you can be given the undesirable tasks because of nicesess. It's not a negative thing at all, but it doesn't always work in every group environment or systematic environment. As you say it means you could be used by people who are very arrogant. I see it happen all the time.
 
1

123456switch

Member
Wow thanks guys. I'm pleased with all the responses. The last time I posted in a forum, nobody responded, and it hurt me. I started this thread with the title I GET USED A LOT because that is my main issue. Rather than tell you all the many ways I get used, I just started babbling about my friends. I guess if those closest to me, use me, and don't appreciate me, then I can't expect much from the rest of the world. I am a super nice guy undergoing a metamorphosis. Every single day someone tries to take advantage of me, make me look stupid, talks down to me, or disregards and disrespects me in some fashion.

@COYOTE:What do I get out of being a nice person? It used to make me feel good to put a smile one someone's face. It no longer does, as now I am starting to despise people. I wish I wasn't changing. I used to be so nice people thought I was gay, now my family says I'm becoming an a$$hole.

@GUMMIBEAR: I know I just have to find the right people to hang around, but I'm 37 now, and it seems futile. Sometimes I think I should just stay indoors forever, until I finally die and am free. I can't even enjoy hobbies, like playing guitar, because I either have to play by myself, or with my friends who won't play the songs I like. And nobody wants to hang with me; I have to do all the legwork if I want to hang out. I did an experiment where I didn't call my friends for six months, and they never called me either. It's like the friendships only exist in MY mind, or they are one-sided.

@PACIFICLONER: Yes, but I don't think I give TOO much. I buy my friends presents on there birthdays, things like calendars, or a cd. Is that too much for a friend? They have never even got me a card. I guess I can't expect them to be as giving as me, but a little respect or acknowledgment would be nice.


@JAIM38 and HELLHOUND: Good point, but I've developed slight social anxiety over the years, and its SO hard to make friends since I hate going out and doing things, alone. Any recommendations on where to meet cool people in your late 30's? I don't even like doing the same things as others. I can't swim, I'm afraid of heights, I don't like drinking, I can't do any sports, I don't even like watching sports. I only like playing guitar but I'm too shy to play live anywhere so thats going down the drain too.

@MIKEYC: I tried talking to them but they say things like "dont be gay" or "you're too senstive" etc. You are right...when I was a doormat, they were much nicer to me, now that I'm being more assertive, they are getting angry. I had one friend who I would visit every Saturday, because it was too small at my old place for him to visit. Then I moved to a bigger place, and he still expects me to do all the driving to his place on Saturdays, although I pointed out that I have a better place now. He's mad that I even brought it up, and hasn't called me.

@RICHEY: This doormat problem has already reared its head at work; someone even took credit for MY work once. You are right...certain environments require different states of mind I guess. I have to learn to calibrate.

@RODRIGUE: I'm trying my best.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top