I feel like I'm lower than scum
- Thread starter KJC
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Looking_in105
Well-known member
Prove your parents wrong, maybe start doing the cooking, cleaning etc and they'll see the great job that you can do. 
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Mokkat
Well-known member
I agree, if you could start cleaning your own clothes/room often, prepare your own food or meals for you all, it takes the awkward edge off a bit.
Announce it to them at dinner or something that you will start doing this - dont make it a big deal, because it isnt. I know how tough it is to break the habit of depending on your parents, but this isnt that crucial of a change.
If you need help or want to assist them with these things, it helps a lot to focus on asking / speaking to them about it like they were a normal friend and not a parent IMO
Announce it to them at dinner or something that you will start doing this - dont make it a big deal, because it isnt. I know how tough it is to break the habit of depending on your parents, but this isnt that crucial of a change.
If you need help or want to assist them with these things, it helps a lot to focus on asking / speaking to them about it like they were a normal friend and not a parent IMO
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If you are failing everything, you should quit wasting time and money and go back when and if you are ready for it. Your parents can yell at you for withdrawing, but they can't actually stop you. It is your life, in spite of what they may tell you.
The more things you do for yourself, the better you will feel about yourself. Anticipate that in spite of making progress, it is a strong possibility that your parents will not want to acknowledge progress or treat you any differently.
The more things you do for yourself, the better you will feel about yourself. Anticipate that in spite of making progress, it is a strong possibility that your parents will not want to acknowledge progress or treat you any differently.
Lea
Banned
Prove your parents wrong, maybe start doing the cooking, cleaning etc and they'll see the great job that you can do.
What do you want to prove to such people? They're psychically abusive and there helps nothing than running away. If he does, he will probably find that he can look after himself much easier than at home, because people like his parents are disabling and personality destroying.
Looking_in105
Well-known member
Thats a choice the OP has to make and I'm not sure what means they have. and being 20 years of age the parents have some leverage being that it is their house at the end of the day.
Is the OP even in a position to run away? it seems like 'no' at this stage. therefore it can't hurt to try and get along with the parents in order to bring some peace/stability, and if helping around the house is what it takes then so be it i guess.
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Social_Monstrosity
Well-known member
I'm in a similar situation except I'm not even in school.
ilmatross
Well-known member
Whoa back up youre 20 and they read your email and go through your things? Are you in prison?
This is not a situation for a grown man to be in. I understand the feeling of being disabled, I rely on my parents for quite a bit right now but you need to put your foot down. You are a man and you deserve to be treated as such. Just because you have disabling anxiety does not make you a doormat or a child.
I'm pretty sure there are non combat options. The hardest part would be the stress of the environment--the lack of privacy and all that. But I honestly think it might be a very good option for you, terrifying as it is. Coyote joined the military. He could tell you more about it than I could. At this point in my life, I really think I should have joined the military when I was young.
Hastings & Main
Well-known member
I would start with locking your computer (if it's your own) or change your password so they can't get in. If they ask (which they will), just explain nicely that you have to start taking charge of your own life, and, in fact, should have started quite a while ago. Also maybe add that it is fundamentally bizarre for any parents to be acting this way to a 20-year-old man, whether they're footing the bill for your education or not. There are hundreds of thousands of students before you who didn't go through what you're enduring.
Take steps from there. Like going online for recipes for meals and learning how to cook. Washing? Soap in the machine, set the dial.
The first step out of this has to be yours, and believe me, it's worth any familial discomfort or making your parents sad/angry/etc.
Take steps from there. Like going online for recipes for meals and learning how to cook. Washing? Soap in the machine, set the dial.
The first step out of this has to be yours, and believe me, it's worth any familial discomfort or making your parents sad/angry/etc.
panicsurvivor
Well-known member
If I were you I would let them do the cooking, cleaning and stuff, and feel good you don't have to do it. But if you are in college you are lucky, I would stop letting them do your homework and try and get focused on that. If you are not interested in the material study something else. There are a lot of different things you can do in school. Speaking as somebody who really feels sad that I never got to go, I really urge you to find something you like and go for it. Besides it sounds like you have a cleaning service and a personal cook while you go.
If they try and control your major, then that is where you probably want to put your foot down. Sense that is going to be what you do with the rest of your life they really can't try to make you be happy with a life you don't want to lead. They have to understand that.
It sounds like you are in an unpleasant situation, but that you have some things going for you while you are in it. Try to take advantage of the things you have and grind through the things that suck.
If they try and control your major, then that is where you probably want to put your foot down. Sense that is going to be what you do with the rest of your life they really can't try to make you be happy with a life you don't want to lead. They have to understand that.
It sounds like you are in an unpleasant situation, but that you have some things going for you while you are in it. Try to take advantage of the things you have and grind through the things that suck.
Survivor is right. If you're studying, *you* are studying - if they want to enrol into adult ed, they're free to do so...
Are they afraid you'd have too low grades - would the people you work for see those grades and expect someone with 'best grades only'?
After I finished University, nobody asked me what grades I had!! It's just important to finish... (Future employers like to see a photocopy of a diploma!!) Maybe if you wanted to work in a top-notch company that chooses only Top ten Harvard graduates or something..? Are your parents actually hoping for something like that? Would you like to work in a place like that too?
Have you threatened to quit college or made them think you were not going to do your assignments or such? Or did you do any serious breech of trust like illegal drugs or such? If not, do your homework and slowly do some more things independently too...
Other things - be happy with it or be diplomatic and resourceful about it..
They may be happy to cook etc for you now, as you work and study... If you quit work and/or study, they may suddenly expect you to do everything... And it's actually better to be prepared... How about you study a recipe online and just surprise them - or yourself - with a meal? Maybe you can cook supper or lunch, if they normally cook a meal at another time of day?
Explain to them that your wife/husband may expect you to know how to cook too, etc. and that you'd like to learn, and ask to be 'apprentice' and if they can 'teach' you a master dish that you'd like to learn how to cook?
Also maybe find perfect timing just before your mom does something (she probably has a schedule?) and just do it sooner?
Also what if they died? (Of course say you want them to live a long and happy life, but no one knows...?) Would they want you to be unfed/hungry and walk around dirty? Maybe this will help them see some logic?
Though maybe they're just thinking they're showing you their 'love' with this... So the apprentice thing might work well... (Unless they're a world-famous restaurant chef and the recipes are a trade secret?? )
Maybe they also like to be needed... Maybe you could ask for opinion now and then, in things that don't really matter that much to you, or where you really don't know what to do - but only if they are 'adult' things, for any dilemmas that might make them go 'ooh he's a kid' it's maybe better to write into a journal and/or talk to friends/classmates/a counsellor (you probably have a school/college counsellor?)/here/etc?
I think your parents need some hobbies!! Or a charity or volunteering to work with, or some other social contacts or work to do!!
So they can focus their creative energies on something else too!!
Can you inspire them to join something they might find interesting?
It was such a relief when mum joined some organisations and met people and did stuff through volunteering etc!
You can also ask mom to 'teach' you how to do laundry - maybe she has a very complicated system (mine does) and is afraid you'd color her things or do something wrong.. Beware, if you do it well, she may expect you to do the laundry for whole family then! lol!
Are they afraid you'd have too low grades - would the people you work for see those grades and expect someone with 'best grades only'?
After I finished University, nobody asked me what grades I had!! It's just important to finish... (Future employers like to see a photocopy of a diploma!!) Maybe if you wanted to work in a top-notch company that chooses only Top ten Harvard graduates or something..? Are your parents actually hoping for something like that? Would you like to work in a place like that too?
Have you threatened to quit college or made them think you were not going to do your assignments or such? Or did you do any serious breech of trust like illegal drugs or such? If not, do your homework and slowly do some more things independently too...
Other things - be happy with it or be diplomatic and resourceful about it..
They may be happy to cook etc for you now, as you work and study... If you quit work and/or study, they may suddenly expect you to do everything... And it's actually better to be prepared... How about you study a recipe online and just surprise them - or yourself - with a meal? Maybe you can cook supper or lunch, if they normally cook a meal at another time of day?
Explain to them that your wife/husband may expect you to know how to cook too, etc. and that you'd like to learn, and ask to be 'apprentice' and if they can 'teach' you a master dish that you'd like to learn how to cook?
Also maybe find perfect timing just before your mom does something (she probably has a schedule?) and just do it sooner?
Also what if they died? (Of course say you want them to live a long and happy life, but no one knows...?) Would they want you to be unfed/hungry and walk around dirty? Maybe this will help them see some logic?
Though maybe they're just thinking they're showing you their 'love' with this... So the apprentice thing might work well... (Unless they're a world-famous restaurant chef and the recipes are a trade secret?? )
Maybe they also like to be needed... Maybe you could ask for opinion now and then, in things that don't really matter that much to you, or where you really don't know what to do - but only if they are 'adult' things, for any dilemmas that might make them go 'ooh he's a kid' it's maybe better to write into a journal and/or talk to friends/classmates/a counsellor (you probably have a school/college counsellor?)/here/etc?
I think your parents need some hobbies!! Or a charity or volunteering to work with, or some other social contacts or work to do!!
So they can focus their creative energies on something else too!!
Can you inspire them to join something they might find interesting?
It was such a relief when mum joined some organisations and met people and did stuff through volunteering etc!
You can also ask mom to 'teach' you how to do laundry - maybe she has a very complicated system (mine does) and is afraid you'd color her things or do something wrong.. Beware, if you do it well, she may expect you to do the laundry for whole family then! lol!
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Falkor
1
I can relate to this. My parents are very controlling, they think I can't cook.
But now I start cooking every tuesday. I said to them, I will prove you I can cook. So that's the start. Just prove them wrong, and make a planning for all these things. Show them you CAN do more, I hate when my parents tell me I can't do these things. It makes me frustrated, like I will show them I can do this.
Because they would be suprised when they see what I can do.
Just because I've been dealing with depression (which lead me to a very bad day routine, doing nothing, just lay on bed and not eating, just sadness all day long) but now I'm making so much progress! I feel very stupid when they talk about this when my friends are here, I'm like w00t stop about this.
I will show them the difference, they still don't fairly believe me.
But I'm totally gonna show them by doing things in the house keeping
cooking every tuesday, and soon I'm not at home anymore in the day.
I will show them I can break through this routine and social anxiety habit.
I will not avoid and I will show them I can do it!
But now I start cooking every tuesday. I said to them, I will prove you I can cook. So that's the start. Just prove them wrong, and make a planning for all these things. Show them you CAN do more, I hate when my parents tell me I can't do these things. It makes me frustrated, like I will show them I can do this.
Because they would be suprised when they see what I can do.
Just because I've been dealing with depression (which lead me to a very bad day routine, doing nothing, just lay on bed and not eating, just sadness all day long) but now I'm making so much progress! I feel very stupid when they talk about this when my friends are here, I'm like w00t stop about this.
I will show them the difference, they still don't fairly believe me.
But I'm totally gonna show them by doing things in the house keeping
cooking every tuesday, and soon I'm not at home anymore in the day.
I will show them I can break through this routine and social anxiety habit.
I will not avoid and I will show them I can do it!
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