I don't know

[IamThisOne]

This is my first time posting on this site. I hope I don't get ridiculed, I just want to rant.

So I was recently diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder and Major Depression Disorder a few days ago, but I have been dealing with theses problems for years.

I don't have any friends that I hang out with except for my brother. He lives in a big house with a bunch of his friends. I go over to hang out with him about once a week, but I don't stay long because I am constantly worrying about stuff and don't let myself have fun.

So I spend most of my time alone in my room. I live with my grandmother, but I try to avoid her because I even get nervous telling her things. I get so sad just being alone inside my dungeon everyday. I can't sleep so I stay up watching the same movies that I have been watching for ten years. Luckily we have internet access, because that is my only way to interact with the outside world.

I do have a job as a cashier at a store that is next door to my house. It is like I never leave home because it is a 15 second walk to the store. I see the same people everyday because I live in rural Mississippi (USA) and the only people that come into the store are locals. Being a cashier does not help my social phobia that much. I hate it. I hate seeing the same people and having to put up with their obnoxious comments. I only really say scripted things like telling them the price of their purchase.

Naturally I don't get much respect because everyone expects me to be a redneck mongaloid like everyone else.

Everyday is the same as the one before, the summer seems like one long day. It is getting harder to deal with all this. I am never cheerful. I am a walking corpse. I am sick of the constant thoughts of suicide. That is all I think about anymore. Sometimes I will go to the gun cabinet and take out a pistol that is loaded and put it to my head. The only thing that keeps me from pulling the trigger is the fact that dying costs so much money. I don't want my family to be left with funeral expenses and stuff. Maybe once I graduate from community college and get a job (if someone will hire a pathetic corpse) I will save up for a funeral so I can finally be free.

I know everyone on here has heard this story. I am tired of wasting my life away. I wish I could come to terms with the fact that I am alone in this world and I will always be alone. I was never meant to experience such human things as love, happiness, and friendship.

I hope someone replies. Sorry that it is so long.

 

[InDeepshit]

oh god you sound like you're in so much despair. I hope that your circumstances change and you really do need to seek help for your suicidal thoughts because it sounds as if you've already planned it. And please talk to the people on this site because i'm sure you'll be able to relate to many here and their support will make a difference. So welcome and dont be a stranger around here ^^

 

[IamThisOne]

Thanks for the reply, I didn't think anyone would comment. I am in the process of getting help, but it is such a tedious process. Also, thanks for not ridiculing me, I know there are a lot of people that have it worse than I.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

This is my first time posting on this site. I hope I don't get ridiculed, I just want to rant.

No, if someone ridicules you for having anxiety and depression around here, we stab them in the eyeballs.

It's good to know you're getting help. Meds or just therapy?

I know what a depressing environment rural Mississippi can be--it's where both sides of my family are from.

What sort of obnoxious comments are you speaking of? Are they directed at you?

You talk about graduating from college--so you are attending now?

 

[friendchen]

You don't really wanna be dead right?? I sometimes think of suicide (when I get so depressed)..but they're just thoughts..I don't really wanna die actually..So I think you should find something to interest you..There might be..no..there has to be something that you really like to do..

For example..I like walking alone..when I go out..I always choose desolated path and enjoy walking alone and feel the air..Really does me good..

So just do what you have to do and hope for everything...unexpected things always happen..so hope for it and when it comes enjoy it ..whether it is good or bad or small or big..doesn't matter..You just need to try to see it.. new things always happen even if you live down in a rat hole.. and feel it ..If its good...enjoy it..If its bad and painful..just feel the pain ( this is my own personal way of enduring pain..when I feel so hurt and bad feelings happening inside me..I think of myself as a system..Oh! now the system got external bad stimuli and now its responding..uhmm..feel suffocated..bad thoughts..tears falling..pain and and ... OH! this system is still working good.. responding nice and normal ..then I feel better ..ahee sound freaky huh?? XD)

Wish you best of luck!

 

[IamThisOne]

Thanks for the replies. NathanielWingatePeaslee, I just started getting help so I have to meet with a nurse and stuff before I can talk with a therapist and before I will be put on meds.

Also, I am currently out of school for the summer, but I start back in about a week.

Yeah, the comments from people are directed at me. Mostly because I work at a store, so I don't have that much responsibility and they think I am lazy and unambitious. No one takes the time to get to know me, they just shower me with judgment.

 

[jthomas]

IamThisOne

Reading your story makes me feel sad, or am I feeling sad for you. I don't now either. But I don't know how to identify my feelings, I don't know how to feel. I don't know how to cry (i'm a guy, and sometimes I feel like crying). I'm very sensitive, and it sucks. It sucks because once someone tells me something, I take it to the heart ALL THE TIME. But reading your story makes me want to come to mississippi and hang out with you. But If i'm being serious, i'll probably be afraid to travel on my own. But I feel sad for you. I hope you are able to get through this hump. I tend to tell my story in every reply I do so I hope i'm not being selfish. I probably am, and i'm sorry. I Do hope that you feel better. Try working out a little, Thats what i'm bout to do right at this moment. Push ups and Sit ups.

 

[guessed]

IamThisOne,

welcome to the forums.

My heart goes out to you. I know the pain and devastation anxiety and depression have on a person's life. It wreaks havoc and takes a huge toll. Those people who judge you have no clue how much effort it takes you just to get up and get through the day and then deal with their ignorant comments.

You're not lazy, you're dealing with a serious medical condition ever day. You won't get ridiculed here, we all understand the pain and humiliation that people feel we deserve. If you ever wanna chat, feel free to pm or message me any time.

 

[fitftw]

I'll tell you what helped me from feeling the way you feel.

Smoking bud
Playing Dance Dance Revolution
the gym
violent videogames (Grand Theft Auto)
washing my car and buying parts for it

Combine all of these and you should be just fine lol. Try to get out more, as much as you don't want to. It'll be good for you.

 

[agoraphobickatie]

don't ever feel like you'll be ridiculed from us! =/ that's horrible.. and you may feel alone right now, but what you can see from SPW, you definitely aren't at all! many many people feel just like you do...

everyone has given good suggestions... i envy you for being able to hold a job right now i'm 22, i'm not in college and i don't have a job or any 'significant other'.. if i can be happy with hope for my future, you can too you may think having a job and going to school means nothing to people, but you should really take pride in what you do, ya know? hopefully when you start back school, you can enjoy the challenge of classes and feel accomplished at something... find things that make you feel emotion. walking, painting, playing video games like adam said, exercising, etc etc.. just get out and DO something.. being productive helps you to feel better

again, i hate that you feel this way =/ i was feeling like sh!t before i started seeing a therapist over a year ago and i'm surprisingly a generally happy/positive person these days.. don't know how, haha.. making progress will help you to feel better, though!

 

[LookingForward]

Hi IamThisOne, it's always great to see someone new who finds this site because no matter how alone you feel you will always have understanding friends and compassion here. You sound pretty young, only starting out in life, (i could be wrong). I have suffered from SA all my life and from personal experience things get a little easier the older and wiser u get. I spent a lot of my life exactly as u are now, but somewhere along the line I decided that the only way to move forward was to grit my teeth and get on with things, to try to not judge myself, and to try not to let the noise in. It worked for me, I now work as a software developer for the worlds biggest software company and I live in a nice penthouse apartment, albeit alone. You should understand that you are not alone, u are not wierd and u can make a good life for yourself. Hang with your brother a little longer, he's your brother, he loves u and can help to slowly introduce u to people, u never know what beautiful people u will meet (some tools too but that can't be helped).
Don't let the dark thoughts in and don't ever touch that gun again, thats just silly ... u can do it, you're a magic person, you just haven't discovered yourself yet...

 

[Ignace]

That's sad man. Look it on the other side. When you graduate from high school and get a good job, it will go better. You don't know how you feel in the future.

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

No, if someone ridicules you for having anxiety and depression around here, we stab them in the eyeballs.

Yeah, but then we feel awkward about it, go over and over in our minds whether it was the right thing to do, ponder how other people viewed our actions and wonder whether people of the opposite gender have this whole eyeballing stabbing thing easier than we do.

 

[jthomas]

the only way to move forward was to grit my teeth and get on with things, to try to not judge myself,

That is so hard to do when someone has been judging themselves for a while. But I will Try my hardest to avoid Judging myself. I think thats the best advice someone has ever given someone else.

 

[LookingForward]

That is so hard to do when someone has been judging themselves for a while. But I will Try my hardest to avoid Judging myself.

A lot of the judgments we attach to ourselves are really just our own slightly skewed perceptions of what is happening around us JT.
For example:
I am walking down the street, the wind blows, my hair has gone all funny, now I am focused on it and everyone around me seems to be looking at me coz I look stupid. Soon after the toughts will spirial in all aspects of my being and I will become so uncomfortable that I have to get home as fast as I can.

That was the old me; the new me catches the thoughts before they start to control my behaviour. Yes, my hair is a mess, but no-one gives a damn and people are not really looking at me; and most importantly who gives a damn if my hair is messy anyway...

Personally speaking I feel the one thing that has helped me the most to fight my SA is have a sense of humour about myself... To not give a **** when I make a tool of myself... after a while I even started to enjoy it and began to do stupid things every now and then just for the fun of it...

The secret to curing SA is reprogramming your brain to filter out all the unnessary **** we project on to ourselves... it takes time, but its so worth it...

 

[jthomas]

Personally speaking I feel the one thing that has helped me the most to fight my SA is have a sense of humour about myself... To not give a **** when I make a fool of myself... after a while I even started to enjoy it and began to do stupid things every now and then just for the fun of it...

The secret to curing SA is reprogramming your brain to filter out all the unnessary **** we project on to ourselves... it takes time, but its so worth it...

Damn you hit that right in the gut. I never thought of it that way. Thats some really good advice man. I just need to figure out how to reprogram my brain to not give a **** anymore. I'll be working on that this week.