I am so depressed

[Miserum]

I can hang around people just fine. Get along with them, joke with them, be funny, and relatable. But if I feel threatened, intimidated, or uncomfortable, which is, say, 40% of the time, then all of that goes out of the window.

This means that I have it in me, but it's blocked off much of the time.

Most recent example was being witty and open with a group of people... then someone I found attractive turned up and I became a completely different person.

 

[Sacrament]

It's a good thing that you are able to recognize what throws you off. Means you can work on those areas to become better in those situations.

 

[Miserum]

It's a good thing that you are able to recognize what throws you off. Means you can work on those areas to become better in those situations.

Related to my last post, and it may have subconsciously arisen out of it:

I've also recently realized--or maybe I am resurrecting a past realization in different words--that perhaps a source of my inability to think or speak articulately in many situations is because I have two simultaneous train of thoughts going on at once.

The first train of thought is directed at what's going on in any given situation. I'll call this the focused self. When I am fully engaging my focused self, whatever I am doing tends to go well whether it be a social situation, driving, performing. Anything. Because I am focused on the task at hand and nothing else. I am living in the moment.

The second, overlapping train of thought is utterly preoccupied with how I am being perceived by others. I'll call this the paranoid self. When the paranoid self enters the fold, it mixes in with and overtakes the focused self. The attention that the focused self sustains itself on is leeched away by paranoid, fearful thoughts. I become so entranced with how I am being or will be viewed because of something I do or say (in a negative light) that the focused self all but shuts down and what is left is a sea of negative self-talk.

The evidence for these two train of thoughts existing is in all of the many, great social occasions I've had where I somehow disregarded the paranoid self. And on the other side, all of the social occasions where I haven't.

The focused self is where I always want to be, but when the paranoid self rears its ugly head, it can be very hard for me to maintain my composure; how can I focus on what's happening and what I'm doing when I have another train of thought constantly bombarding me with negativity and fear?

 

[Sacrament]

I think both of those things come down to one 'simple' thing: you are too inwardly focused. You are so focused on what you want/should say, and at the same time your social anxiety reveals itself so much during social interactions, that it becomes almost impossible for you to focus on anything else. I think that if you try your best to switch your focus, and focus on what the other person is saying/how they're saying it/their body language/etc, it'll become easier to actually have a meaningful conversation where you don't become all wrapped up in your own internal monologue.

 

[Miserum]

I genuinely think people used to take a liking to me much more easily than they do today because I didn't have any opinions of my own. I would smile a lot, avoid confrontation, be very agreeable, and generally not talk that much or defend myself... and people were receptive to that. At some point I got sick of being a doormat, but the resulting consequence of defending myself might be people liking me less.

Maybe I'm playing catchup in the sense that I haven't learned how to balance my opinions with social tact because I put a lid on my thoughts for so long. Or maybe I am simply overcompensating through the need to express my opinions, as a result of being a doormat for many years.

And I guess it's not just opinions, but generally just the way I behave... with distaste for certain social norms, which obviously puts me outside the norm. And guess what? People don't like weirdos.

This is just another hasty note jotted down in the Journal of Miserum.

 

[Miserum]

Why is it so damn hard to just be a cool person that is true to themselves? Sometimes I feel like I am socially fucked for life because my brain won't forget my past experiences.

 

[Sacrament]

Practice, practice, practice. If you can recognize why something happens, practice something different.

 

[Miserum]

I think I'm at a stage where I'm becoming comfortable experimenting with different social dynamics in a purposeful way. I am, first of all, engaging in social activities much more, and second of all, attempting varied avenues of dialogue and action, purposely, to see how people react, and then analyzing their responses. Even though this results in more awkward moments, otherwise remaining in my shell yields no change at all, and thus no positive results.

Related note:

I spent most of the day going back and forth with myself on whether or not I should send a joking response in a group email. In the end I decided not to, and it was because I realized a couple of things:

First:
Sometimes my jokes are nonsensical.

This is a first-time realization for me. I thought, on and off, about how to best phrase this email joke all day, mainly because there is a girl in the email thread that I like. I was wondering whether it would make her laugh. And then I realized that the punchline would never happen in real life; there would be no such occasion where it would make sense. And there can be comedy in the absurd, obviously, but I don't think my joke would have made that cut.

Maybe I should ask myself if my jokes follow a logical and commonsensical path from now on before blurting them out.

Second:
I should try to make sure the people around me will understand my observations, before I blurt them out.

During the process of deciding whether or not my joke was good enough, it made me reflect on a funny observation I made recently in front of a group of 20 people. All of them burst out laughing when I said it. And it was because it was A) true and the truth was obvious, but B) made light of that truth in a novel way, and that novelty itself was true.

I think a lot of the time, I get caught up in my thoughts. Whatever I speak is the concluding logic of all the thoughts that preceded it. I think that sometimes, this concluding logic is lost on people, because they have no way to access all my previous thoughts. They just see the end result--which happens to be whatever words come tumbling out of my mouth--and wonder where the hell I just came from with what I just said. Perhaps I should remain cognizant of that fact. Are people going to understand the context of this observation I am about to make, or does it only make sense to me because of all my biases and personal thought process?

Now I'm just rambling again. Please take these thoughts with a grain of salt, whoever reads this.

I"m really insecure about my sense of humor.

 

[F0AM]

I think I'm at a stage where I'm becoming comfortable experimenting with different social dynamics in a purposeful way. I am, first of all, engaging in social activities much more, and second of all, attempting varied avenues of dialogue and action, purposely, to see how people react, and then analyzing their responses. Even though this results in more awkward moments, otherwise remaining in my shell yields no change at all, and thus no positive results.

Related note:

I spent most of the day going back and forth with myself on whether or not I should send a joking response in a group email. In the end I decided not to, and it was because I realized a couple of things:

First:
Sometimes my jokes are nonsensical.

This is a first-time realization for me. I thought, on and off, about how to best phrase this email joke all day, mainly because there is a girl in the email thread that I like. I was wondering whether it would make her laugh. And then I realized that the punchline would never happen in real life; there would be no such occasion where it would make sense. And there can be comedy in the absurd, obviously, but I don't think my joke would have made that cut.

Maybe I should ask myself if my jokes follow a logical and commonsensical path from now on before blurting them out.

Second:
I should try to make sure the people around me will understand my observations, before I blurt them out.

During the process of deciding whether or not my joke was good enough, it made me reflect on a funny observation I made recently in front of a group of 20 people. All of them burst out laughing when I said it. And it was because it was A) true and the truth was obvious, but B) made light of that truth in a novel way, and that novelty itself was true.

I think a lot of the time, I get caught up in my thoughts. Whatever I speak is the concluding logic of all the thoughts that preceded it. I think that sometimes, this concluding logic is lost on people, because they have no way to access all my previous thoughts. They just see the end result--which happens to be whatever words come tumbling out of my mouth--and wonder where the hell I just came from with what I just said. Perhaps I should remain cognizant of that fact. Are people going to understand the context of this observation I am about to make, or does it only make sense to me because of all my biases and personal thought process?

Now I'm just rambling again. Please take these thoughts with a grain of salt, whoever reads this.

I"m really insecure about my sense of humor.

I wouldn't say your humor (for what i read) is (in those cases) nonsensical, more like out of context?

As you say, a joke or a funny comment is not only the result but the thoughts/experiences that preceeded them. Probably has happened to you that when you're going to tell a joke, you start internally giggling (also happens to those to whom you're telling the joke when they know where you're coming from lol) before bursting out laughing...i'd say that giggle is related to those thoughts. Comedians tend to build up a setting when telling a joke, one that people can relate to because it allows them to recall those situations which are familiar to them.

I was with a group of ppl (one of them was a friend) and i made a "funny" comment, people laughed (polite laugh i'd say lol) but my friend was genuinely laughing because i know she share with me those previous thoughts which were the result of past expreriences together...and i know she was "understending" the joke.

I wouldn't worry too much about the result since as in everything, ppl have different tastes so unless you know them, there's no way of telling if they're gonna genuinely laugh or not...but a safe bet is to tell jokes about stuff those people (as far as you know) can relate to.

Anyway, telling a joke or trying to be funny (as long as you don't abuse) is a nice thing since other people may percieve you as a friendly person.

I really enjoied reading your "rambling"

 

[Miserum]

I wouldn't say your humor (for what i read) is (in those cases) nonsensical, more like out of context?

As you say, a joke or a funny comment is not only the result but the thoughts/experiences that preceeded them. Probably has happened to you that when you're going to tell a joke, you start internally giggling (also happens to those to whom you're telling the joke when they know where you're coming from lol) before bursting out laughing...i'd say that giggle is related to those thoughts. Comedians tend to build up a setting when telling a joke, one that people can relate to because it allows them to recall those situations which are familiar to them.

I was with a group of ppl (one of them was a friend) and i made a "funny" comment, people laughed (polite laugh i'd say lol) but my friend was genuinely laughing because i know she share with me those previous thoughts which were the result of past expreriences together...and i know she was "understending" the joke.

I wouldn't worry too much about the result since as in everything, ppl have different tastes so unless you know them, there's no way of telling if they're gonna genuinely laugh or not...but a safe bet is to tell jokes about stuff those people (as far as you know) can relate to.

Anyway, telling a joke or trying to be funny (as long as you don't abuse) is a nice thing since other people may percieve you as a friendly person.

I really enjoied reading your "rambling"

Hey thanks for the perspective F0AM, and taking the time to reply. What you've said makes sense to me.

 

[memorex]

I really struggle with being myself around others too. Had so much rejection in the past that its hard (impossible?) for me not to try to people please. And it seems that doesnt often work either.

I hope you find happiness in other areas, or things change somehow for you. I know its really difficult sometimes. And its a pretty crazy time out there right now in the world.

 

[Miserum]

I really struggle with being myself around others too. Had so much rejection in the past that its hard (impossible?) for me not to try to people please. And it seems that doesnt often work either.

I hope you find happiness in other areas, or things change somehow for you. I know its really difficult sometimes. And its a pretty crazy time out there right now in the world.

I fucking hate being a people pleaser. I wonder what it's like to truly not give a fuck if someone dislikes you.

 

[Miserum]

Sometimes I feel like I am truly and objectively a horrible person. I feel like I treat people that I like and love like garbage, and the justifications for this treatment stem from cosmic reasons that are out of anyone's control.

I come off as an arrogant douchebag know-it-all most of the time. Either that or a fucking spaz. Or moody. That pretty much sums up my personality on the whole.

There's no denying that I have treated people--people close to me--like garbage. I can't help myself, it's like a core fucking personality trait or something. And it seems to all be a projection of my seething self-hatred. I have so much guilt associated with this. It just makes me want to blow my brains out sometimes.

I'd definitely be a Sith if Star Wars weren't a fantasy. On second thought... who am I kidding? Being a Sith would be way too cool. With my luck, I'd be some brooding nerf herder on Tatooine with exactly the same shitty traits as I have now instead.

 

[memorex]

Sometimes I feel like I am truly and objectively a horrible person. I feel like I treat people that I like and love like garbage, and the justifications for this treatment stem from cosmic reasons that are out of anyone's control.

I come off as an arrogant douchebag know-it-all most of the time. Either that or a fucking spaz. Or moody. That pretty much sums up my personality on the whole.

There's no denying that I have treated people--people close to me--like garbage. I can't help myself, it's like a core fucking personality trait or something. And it seems to all be a projection of my seething self-hatred. I have so much guilt associated with this. It just makes me want to blow my brains out sometimes.

I'd definitely be a Sith if Star Wars weren't a fantasy. On second thought... who am I kidding? Being a Sith would be way too cool. With my luck, I'd be some brooding nerf herder on Tatooine with exactly the same shiitty traits as I have now instead.

All I know is, I've tried being a Jedi, being kind to everyone and so on, and it got me a kick in the face. The irony is, people seem to be more respectful of me when I push hard back and dont give much thought to their feelings. Maybe its the town I live in or the times, I dont know. But I'd love to be able to not give a fuck fully too. Part of me fucking HATES people and how stupid they are-regarding how bad we're all treated by the elite but unable to realise it. But part of me has total respect for people too, believing we're all victims of circumstance ultimately, due to our upbringings and that humans just arent that smart, but therefore not something to be blamed. Either way I get tied up in knots about it and wish I didnt care.

This 'Dark side' you mention; does it have health and benefits and a good pension plan....? (Tempted as f**k.)

 

[Miserum]

All I know is, I've tried being a Jedi, being kind to everyone and so on, and it got me a kick in the face. The irony is, people seem to be more respectful of me when I push hard back and dont give much thought to their feelings. Maybe its the town I live in or the times, I dont know. But I'd love to be able to not give a fuck fully too. Part of me fucking HATES people and how stupid they are-regarding how bad we're all treated by the elite but unable to realise it. But part of me has total respect for people too, believing we're all victims of circumstance ultimately, due to our upbringings and that humans just arent that smart, but therefore not something to be blamed. Either way I get tied up in knots about it and wish I didnt care.

This 'Dark side' you mention; does it have health and benefits and a good pension plan....? (Tempted as f**k.)

I fully agree with you. We are all victims of circumstance.

It's necessary to not be spineless. People will absolutely take advantage of you if you are.

No health benefits. In fact, it's pretty bad for your health. Pale, wrinkled skin, 24/7 respirator, half-robot body, bad familial relationships. And that's only if you're at the top of the pack.

Hmm, maybe it's actually better to be a nerf herder.

 

[Miserum]

Goals.

One of my goals is to be uninhibited in the presence of other people.

 

[PugofCrydee]

I fucking hate being a people pleaser. I wonder what it's like to truly not give a fuck if someone dislikes you.

Interesting thought.

I don't think there are too many people that would actually not care what others thought about them to some degree at least. Although personally, there are times when I couldn't give a rats behind about what others think.

 

[Miserum]

Self-belief is necessary in the journey to success.

 

[Miserum]

I need to figure out a way to make people's negativity motivate me. It currently drains me. As soon as someone says I can't do something, even if they merely question if I can do it, it makes me not want to do that thing. It's a bad mindset.

 

[Miserum]

Marlon Brando on acting.

I used to be fairly good at putting on an act for people. Now I can barely muster the energy and frankly, don't understand how people manage to day in and day out.