I realize that I am living in a heavy sphere of shame.
Related to my last post, and it may have subconsciously arisen out of it:It's a good thing that you are able to recognize what throws you off. Means you can work on those areas to become better in those situations.
I think I'm at a stage where I'm becoming comfortable experimenting with different social dynamics in a purposeful way. I am, first of all, engaging in social activities much more, and second of all, attempting varied avenues of dialogue and action, purposely, to see how people react, and then analyzing their responses. Even though this results in more awkward moments, otherwise remaining in my shell yields no change at all, and thus no positive results.
I spent most of the day going back and forth with myself on whether or not I should send a joking response in a group email. In the end I decided not to, and it was because I realized a couple of things:
Sometimes my jokes are nonsensical.
This is a first-time realization for me. I thought, on and off, about how to best phrase this email joke all day, mainly because there is a girl in the email thread that I like. I was wondering whether it would make her laugh. And then I realized that the punchline would never happen in real life; there would be no such occasion where it would make sense. And there can be comedy in the absurd, obviously, but I don't think my joke would have made that cut.
Maybe I should ask myself if my jokes follow a logical and commonsensical path from now on before blurting them out.
I should try to make sure the people around me will understand my observations, before I blurt them out.
During the process of deciding whether or not my joke was good enough, it made me reflect on a funny observation I made recently in front of a group of 20 people. All of them burst out laughing when I said it. And it was because it was A) true and the truth was obvious, but B) made light of that truth in a novel way, and that novelty itself was true.
I think a lot of the time, I get caught up in my thoughts. Whatever I speak is the concluding logic of all the thoughts that preceded it. I think that sometimes, this concluding logic is lost on people, because they have no way to access all my previous thoughts. They just see the end result--which happens to be whatever words come tumbling out of my mouth--and wonder where the hell I just came from with what I just said. Perhaps I should remain cognizant of that fact. Are people going to understand the context of this observation I am about to make, or does it only make sense to me because of all my biases and personal thought process?
Now I'm just rambling again. Please take these thoughts with a grain of salt, whoever reads this.
I"m really insecure about my sense of humor.
Hey thanks for the perspective F0AM, and taking the time to reply. What you've said makes sense to me.I wouldn't say your humor (for what i read) is (in those cases) nonsensical, more like out of context?
As you say, a joke or a funny comment is not only the result but the thoughts/experiences that preceeded them. Probably has happened to you that when you're going to tell a joke, you start internally giggling (also happens to those to whom you're telling the joke when they know where you're coming from lol) before bursting out laughing...i'd say that giggle is related to those thoughts. Comedians tend to build up a setting when telling a joke, one that people can relate to because it allows them to recall those situations which are familiar to them.
I was with a group of ppl (one of them was a friend) and i made a "funny" comment, people laughed (polite laugh i'd say lol) but my friend was genuinely laughing because i know she share with me those previous thoughts which were the result of past expreriences together...and i know she was "understending" the joke.
I wouldn't worry too much about the result since as in everything, ppl have different tastes so unless you know them, there's no way of telling if they're gonna genuinely laugh or not...but a safe bet is to tell jokes about stuff those people (as far as you know) can relate to.
Anyway, telling a joke or trying to be funny (as long as you don't abuse) is a nice thing since other people may percieve you as a friendly person.
I really enjoied reading your "rambling"
I fucking hate being a people pleaser. I wonder what it's like to truly not give a fuck if someone dislikes you.I really struggle with being myself around others too. Had so much rejection in the past that its hard (impossible?) for me not to try to people please. And it seems that doesnt often work either.
I hope you find happiness in other areas, or things change somehow for you. I know its really difficult sometimes. And its a pretty crazy time out there right now in the world.
Sometimes I feel like I am truly and objectively a horrible person. I feel like I treat people that I like and love like garbage, and the justifications for this treatment stem from cosmic reasons that are out of anyone's control.
I come off as an arrogant douchebag know-it-all most of the time. Either that or a fucking spaz. Or moody. That pretty much sums up my personality on the whole.
There's no denying that I have treated people--people close to me--like garbage. I can't help myself, it's like a core fucking personality trait or something. And it seems to all be a projection of my seething self-hatred. I have so much guilt associated with this. It just makes me want to blow my brains out sometimes.
I'd definitely be a Sith if Star Wars weren't a fantasy. On second thought... who am I kidding? Being a Sith would be way too cool. With my luck, I'd be some brooding nerf herder on Tatooine with exactly the same shiitty traits as I have now instead.
I fully agree with you. We are all victims of circumstance.All I know is, I've tried being a Jedi, being kind to everyone and so on, and it got me a kick in the face. The irony is, people seem to be more respectful of me when I push hard back and dont give much thought to their feelings. Maybe its the town I live in or the times, I dont know. But I'd love to be able to not give a fuck fully too. Part of me fucking HATES people and how stupid they are-regarding how bad we're all treated by the elite but unable to realise it. But part of me has total respect for people too, believing we're all victims of circumstance ultimately, due to our upbringings and that humans just arent that smart, but therefore not something to be blamed. Either way I get tied up in knots about it and wish I didnt care.
This 'Dark side' you mention; does it have health and benefits and a good pension plan....? (Tempted as f**k.)
Interesting thought.I fucking hate being a people pleaser. I wonder what it's like to truly not give a fuck if someone dislikes you.