I am so depressed
- Thread starter Miserum
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Miserum
Well-known member
Miserum
Well-known member
I tried looking for a CBT specialist. What I found was $300 per session. I hope you have better luck.
PugofCrydee
You want to know how I got these scars?
Oh fair enough. Sorry I wasn't trying to be nosy, was just making conversation
Miserum
Well-known member
I wish I could go just one day without feeling like I said or did something absolutely stupid in public. There's one small event that has caused me to be inside my head all day, and it makes me feel like I made myself look like a shit-talking, judgmental idiot, even though my intention was just the opposite. I have a gift for giving compliments in the worst possible way. I've tried to remain outside my head, but this one damn thing is getting in the way. It's ruined what I would consider an otherwise good day. Good thing I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow.
Miserum
Well-known member
What a fucking emotional rollercoaster of a week.
I still have no idea if some of my coworkers hate me now. I hope, I really hope, my foot-in-the-mouth incident doesn't end up in my eventual termination because word gets around that I'm a gossiper. I like everyone there, enjoy working there, and I hope they all feel the same way about me.
Also saw my psychologist. She seemed like a cool person when I met her. One of her emails, prior to my visit, came off to me as a bit sarcastic after I asked for clarification on her office address, but I'm not completely sure it was that--it can be hard to tell over email. I'll give her a chance.
A friend of mine is literally making me feel suicidal on some days. He is the most opinionated and unfiltered person I know, but I am obligated to deal with him for the time being, even if he constantly makes me feel like shit about myself. It's complicated.
I'll probably start taking ADHD and/or depression meds in the next couple of months.
On another, more positive note, someone that I'd like to call a new friend made me feel like they really, sincerely care about me and my welfare today. It made me feel absolutely wonderful... like there are, in fact, very good people in this world.
Fuck. Thankful that weekends exist.
I still have no idea if some of my coworkers hate me now. I hope, I really hope, my foot-in-the-mouth incident doesn't end up in my eventual termination because word gets around that I'm a gossiper. I like everyone there, enjoy working there, and I hope they all feel the same way about me.
Also saw my psychologist. She seemed like a cool person when I met her. One of her emails, prior to my visit, came off to me as a bit sarcastic after I asked for clarification on her office address, but I'm not completely sure it was that--it can be hard to tell over email. I'll give her a chance.
A friend of mine is literally making me feel suicidal on some days. He is the most opinionated and unfiltered person I know, but I am obligated to deal with him for the time being, even if he constantly makes me feel like shit about myself. It's complicated.
I'll probably start taking ADHD and/or depression meds in the next couple of months.
On another, more positive note, someone that I'd like to call a new friend made me feel like they really, sincerely care about me and my welfare today. It made me feel absolutely wonderful... like there are, in fact, very good people in this world.
Fuck. Thankful that weekends exist.
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PugofCrydee
You want to know how I got these scars?
Hey man, there are a few of us here that sincerely care about you.
Miserum
Well-known member
Ah yes, Mr. Pug. I should have clarified. I meant in person. There are many cool people across the internet that restore my faith in humanity constantly, but I find that it's rare to meet people like that in person, especially in this case, where this person's genuineness was so obvious. I'm not sure why it's hard to find these types in person, but I have some general ideas. Rest assured, I greatly value all of the wisdom, talkers, and listeners I find here, including you.
Sacrament
Well-known member
This reminds me of myself a few months back. I was hanging out with a couple of friends (one of them being a girl), and she was talking about how she goes out with friends and guys approach her, etc. Mind you, she's a bit overweight and very insecure about her appearance. I wanted to say "of course they approach you, why wouldn't they?", but instead I ended up making it seem as though I was saying that it's normal for them to approach her because she's overweight and therefore probably 'easier'. I have no idea how this happened, and I would never say that to her, but there it was in all its glory.
A few months later, and she's still hurt by that (which is unfair, since it wasn't what I meant, and I've tried multiple times to fix it).
Miserum
Well-known member
That is unfortunate. I wonder what causes these foot-in-mouth instances to occur? Is it because we simply don't think before we speak or something else? In my aforementioned instance, I think I was trying to be clever and interesting in my delivery of the compliment, but I had not thought anything out. I was trying to appease the crowd by telling an interesting story, maybe. There were five people I barely know listening to me, which added pressure. I could feel the regret as the words were coming out of my mouth.
Sometimes it's easier to just be direct I guess. Perhaps that's more boring than an interesting story or comment, and could have led to a stall in the conversation, but then again, that stall was also achieved by my accidental insult anyway. I could have just said "I think this about so and so" and have been done with it, letting the conversation turn to another topic, letting someone else pick up the conversation, or simply causing the conversation to just die. Any three of those options would probably have been better than the option I arrived at.
I wanted these people to like me so badly that I ended up insulting them, someone they liked, and I caused myself to look bad. Talk about irony.
Say what you mean and mean what you say.
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Sacrament
Well-known member
In my case, I think it's because my mind is so fast that it trips over itself, and I end up saying something that I didn't mean at all because there's too many words being thrown around in there. The only thing you can do is own up to it, say you're sorry, and if they decide to be assholes, then so be it, but at least you know you've made your peace with the situation.
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Miserum
Well-known member
I'm not quite sure that apologizing in this case would make matters any better. For all I know, the people involved didn't even take offense to it. I think I'm just going to let it go and let my personality speak for itself, that is, showing them I am an actual cool person over the next few weeks and hoping they realize that maybe that one comment was a poor reflection of who I really am. Though I generally agree with you. I think in your situation, where the person you insulted was right there with you and you know for a fact that you offended her, apologizing is the best route of action.
PugofCrydee
You want to know how I got these scars?
I think in that kind of situation saying 'I'm sorry, that came out the wrong way' compared to 'I'm sorry' would help in calming any hurt feelings. In my experience it has anyway. The latter almost comes across as an admission of guilt, whereas the former gives you a chance to clarify what you meant.
Miserum
Well-known member
I really should have used this at the moment my social faux pas occurred. I will keep it in mind for the future. Chances are I will have to use it.
vj288
not actually Fiona Apple
I think your rationale is right here, as another person who frequently falls victim to foot-in-the-mouth syndrome, I find it usually is a result of me trying to say something in a more clever or interesting way. Usually, if I feel the need to say something in a more clever or interesting way it also means whatever I am saying usually isn't worth saying and I am trying to puff it up with execution, which in the end actually makes it worse. I think this is especially true when I am beating around the bush. Odds are, if I am beating around the bush I want to say something I should probably keep to myself anyway, otherwise I would come straight out and say it.
I can also think of instances that sound more like Sacrament's case that I think spurn from a different source. I think in conversation we follow scripts a lot, or a template, and in doing so we can see a lot of different things to say that would fit the situation. Only some of these things actually reflect what we feel though, while others are more fitting of others. So in a situation like Sacrament, I could see myself or someone else thinking "well, some people might think she'd have an easier time being approached because her body would signal she's easier. *I* don't think that way though, and wouldn't be the type of person who would say that!" The thought is in your head though, and when you're in the middle of talking and grasping for words you accidentally grab the ones you specifically didn't want to say.
I think in part even that comes to being indirect and beating around the bush. If it was me part of me would think some guys would find her easier because of her weight. It's not a nice thing, but I don't hold a notion that all guys are nice and considerate of others. Obviously I couldn't say that though without telling this person she's overweight, which while probably not a secret is not something people like to hear out loud. So unless I had strong and direct other thought to share, in situations like this my mind would just grab the stray thoughts in my head, many of which end up being unfiltered and better kept to myself.
Miserum
Well-known member
Great insight vj. Good point about puffing up the execution, when what is being said isn't even anything interesting to begin with. My comment definitely wasn't anything interesting.
Yet, I feel the need to be part of the conversation. So I end up talking about mundane things that no one cares about, and that I don't even care about. But being absolutely silent is worse...
Most of the time, I don't necessarily want to say anything. But I do feel obligated to say something for fear that I will be perceived as an outcast, creep, or weirdo if I don't say anything at all. I guess that leads me to talking about things I don't really care about, that I think others might care about or to simply to just fill the void, in order to connect with others. But as you so aptly put (or at least what I think you might have meant), I guess I try to exaggerate the execution of these things I don't even care about in order to make them more interesting, and by virtue of doing so, end up putting my foot in my mouth. If I talk about something I truly find interesting, it's usually on a topic I know about, which means there is less of a chance of me fumbling for words or trying to put on a display, simply because I find whatever it is that I know about, already extremely interesting.
On your point of a thought being in your head that may represent someone else's belief, but isn't a belief you hold yourself, I think, is very astute. In the moment, we are struggling to form a new coherent thought based on several paradigms, but in our socially anxious ridden mind, the one we choose to spit out just happens to be the one we don't believe, or something close to it. This never happens when I am not nervous, so I am tempted to think that it's attributable to being nervous (which I am in nearly all social situations), or maybe attributable to the pressure of knowing that you are addressing a touchy subject and purposefully trying to avoid saying the wrong thing--which for someone suffering from social anxiety, might be a less straightforward process than it is for a normal person.
Now a thought just occurred to me as I was writing here (and this relates strongly to your point above vj, but is a slightly different perspective I think): maybe these paradigms of thought that we don't "truly" believe are something that we DO actually consider ourselves. For example, if someone is obviously fat, will I want to tell them that to their face? No. But in my mind, I at least know, factually, that this person's BMI is at an unhealthy level. This thought may come out in conversation for whatever reason, even if I don't intend to offend the person, and I really, ACTUALLY don't want to offend them. So if, while conversing, we are on the topic of obesity, and I know someone in our presence is delicate to that topic, my subconscious belief (I know this person's BMI is at an unhealthy level) may just come out. I might label it as "putting something the wrong way," but is that really the case?
Is it possible that our "foot-in-mouth" instances are merely just Freudian slips? Now that I am truly thinking about this, I may have actually meant a part of the offensive comment that I made earlier. In fact, I definitely did, though I would never have wanted anyone to know that I felt that way. That's not to say my belief was anything malicious. The belief I held was a very brief, passing annoyance at this person, which is completely overshadowed by all of their great qualities. And I never even really thought about this belief; it was just there, minute in my mind and hidden. I definitely like the person in question, but the offending remark concerned ONE, brief instance with this person, and not how I feel about them overall. And now that I think back to other times where I've put my foot in my mouth, many of them have actually come from a subconscious belief that I didn't filter well during conversation. Maybe I just need to figure out a way to filter myself more tactfully.
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Sacrament
Well-known member
Trust me, I tried that. I explained exactly what I meant to say, but when you're as insecure as she is, and when you're in such denial of your insecurities that you refuse to talk about it and get past it, it's hard to mend things. It's been months and she's still hurt by a dumb misunderstanding.
Pacific_Loner
Pirate from the North Pole
I thank God every day of my life for weekends and I'm an atheist. That gives you an idea how deep is my gratitude