I am so depressed

[Miserum]

You know what's interesting? I actually care less now what people think of me than I did when I first joined this forum. I've been putting myself out there constantly, socializing to the best of my ability, in many different situations. There are bound to be mishaps, awkward moments, social faux pas', and regrets. And there certainly have been... but so what? The important thing is that I am taking lessons from these incidents. I may not be able to repair the consequences of the negative events that this exposure brings, but I am learning and growing, and this will prepare me for the future. That's the best I can do.

Writing my thoughts here, discussing them with others on the forum, and therapy have also helped.

It pays to be courageous.

 

[Kiwong]

You know what's interesting? I actually care less now what people think of me than I did when I first joined this forum. I've been putting myself out there constantly, socializing to the best of my ability, in many different situations. There are bound to be mishaps, awkward moments, social faux pas', and regrets. And there certainly have been... but so what? The important thing is that I am taking lessons from these incidents. I may not be able to repair the consequences of the negative events that this exposure brings, but I am learning and growing, and this will prepare me for the future. That's the best I can do.

Writing my thoughts here, discussing them with others on the forum, and therapy have also helped.

It pays to be courageous.

It sure does. Showing courage is a great way to live. When you say I am the kind of person who shows courage in the face of fear and the unknown, then it helps you sleep at night.

And the people who matter who will respond well to your show of courage.

 

[Kiwong]

Marlon Brando on acting.

I used to be fairly good at putting on an act for people. Now I can barely muster the energy and frankly, don't understand how people manage to day in and day out.

When I am anxious I do silly things to break the tension. It is damn good to laugh

 

[Miserum]

Greatest enemy: my own mind.

 

[Miserum]

Realization #63. I quite literally overthink everything I do. Whether this has been an inborn trait or a trained trait through exposure to the world, I can't be sure. Probably the latter. I remember a time when life didn't bother me so much.

Mundane simple tasks I overthink: Driving a car. Posting on this forum with casual comments. Talking to people. Dancing. Performing in any capacity. Grabbing stuff in my house to head out the door. Showering. Sex. Walking down the fucking street. I literally go through a metaphorical flood of potential, most efficient paths to take and possible conclusions--good and bad--that might be a result of my actions while engaging in such simple, non-cerebral tasks. And this is bad. It's completely unhelpful and downright obstructive to going through my day as a non-anxiety-riddled person, and simply being comfortable in my own skin. These things do not require or deserve abstract thought and this much energy expenditure--they are much more intuitive and fall into the realm of feeling more than anything. Yet I've treated them abstractly on some level for many, many years.

I've been forever in my head.

There are... certain times when one should really sit down and think. Writing is one. Philosophizing. Doing intellectual work or debating serious issues. But here's the main issue... I've been treating my entire life, including showering and driving my damn car, as if it's an analysis of Kant's Critique of Pure Reason. Most things in life don't need that level of abstract reasoning. They simply require that you do them.

New affirmation incoming: There's a time for thinking and a time for doing. In most cases, don't think. Just do.

 

[Miserum]

When people think I'm smart, I play that role.

When people think I'm funny, I play that role.

When people think I'm dumb, I play that role.

When people think I'm lame, I play that role.

I blindly accept the roles that are thrust onto me, and I play them willingly. It's like I become those roles, and I play them well. It's not even a conscious decision to play them; I just become something else. I guess if I feel like people will like me for who I am, who I really am, then I can articulate my thoughts and ideas well, I can make good jokes.

If I feel people will not accept me, then my mind puts up barriers, and I become a complete moron.

Pathetic that I am so reliant on the judgement of others in order to simply think coherently.

But I guess this is just another iteration of a topic I've probably already covered somewhere else in this thread.

 

[SoScared]

My depression just kicked in. I'm going to try and ride it out rather than burden certain people with it.

 

[Miserum]

My depression just kicked in. I'm going to try and ride it out rather than burden certain people with it.

Good luck.

 

[Miserum]

@PugofCrydee I just had a real but brief glimpse into what it feels like to be a square peg surrounded by round holes.

I am actually pretty okay with myself in a lot of ways. It's the reaction of others to who I am that bothers me.

 

[Miserum]

I am not confident that people will truly like who I am, if I show it to them. Therefore, I make up another person, and try to maintain that lie. Maintaining lies is difficult and nerve-racking. No wonder socializing is hard; I am constantly trying to maintain a lie... my entire being is a lie. It would be immeasurably more simple to just be completely honest and truthful in my personality.

 

[Miserum]

Being in the right mental space is paramount to success in anything.

 

[Miserum]

I definitely have massive trust issues. Think of any social occasion. Anything involving other people. This mistrust seeps into every single one.

 

[Miserum]

Realization #63. I quite literally overthink everything I do. Whether this has been an inborn trait or a trained trait through exposure to the world, I can't be sure. Probably the latter. I remember a time when life didn't bother me so much.

Mundane simple tasks I overthink: Driving a car. Posting on this forum with casual comments. Talking to people. Dancing. Performing in any capacity. Grabbing stuff in my house to head out the door. Showering. Sex. Walking down the fucking street. I literally go through a metaphorical flood of potential, most efficient paths to take and possible conclusions--good and bad--that might be a result of my actions while engaging in such simple, non-cerebral tasks. And this is bad. It's completely unhelpful and downright obstructive to going through my day as a non-anxiety-riddled person, and simply being comfortable in my own skin. These things do not require or deserve abstract thought and this much energy expenditure--they are much more intuitive and fall into the realm of feeling more than anything. Yet I've treated them abstractly on some level for many, many years.

I've been forever in my head.

There are... certain times when one should really sit down and think. Writing is one. Philosophizing. Doing intellectual work or debating serious issues. But here's the main issue... I've been treating my entire life, including showering and driving my damn car, as if it's an analysis of Kant's Critique of Pure Reason. Most things in life don't need that level of abstract reasoning. They simply require that you do them.

New affirmation incoming: There's a time for thinking and a time for doing. In most cases, don't think. Just do.

It's not only that I'm overthinking things. It's also that I am thinking about other things, while trying to do the thing I'm doing, which obviously distracts me from whatever I'm doing. The distraction is usually worry over the past, present, and future. I think some of it is that mundane tasks are simply boring and I need to occupy my mind in some way. Idk.

 

[PugofCrydee]

@PugofCrydee I just had a real but brief glimpse into what it feels like to be a square peg surrounded by round holes.

I am actually pretty okay with myself in a lot of ways. It's the reaction of others to who I am that bothers me.

Yea bro, it sucks. I- for the most part - have stopped trying to fit into those round holes. By allowing me to be me, I find 1000% more contentment within myself and more inner peace.

 

[Miserum]

Realization (?) time:

Is it possible that some of my social issues stem from a lack of... understanding contemporary social issues?

If I am not knowledgable about or sensitive to say, the many, diversified cultures of others--then my worldview is shaped by that lack of understanding. If I do not understand people's trials and tribulations, collectively and individually, where they have come from, how the world has shaped them; if I do not try to understand their plights, their traditions, what they take seriously, intimately, to the level where I can empathize with them, how can I hope to not offend? And more importantly, how can I hope to truly connect? How can I relate to people without at least trying to take what they take seriously, seriously myself?

As an example: our humor is informed by what we are informed by. Our world views are, in large part, shaped by investigation. If what I find funny is informed by my ignorance, is informed by a lack of investigation into a variety of topics, then what I find funny is potentially and quite possibly grounded in ignorance, in unintentional irreverence. Some things should be treated with reverence, if one cares at all about another's feelings and respects that person. And perhaps that is why my humor falls flat a lot of the time. Simply because I make jokes that are actually idiotic, crass, and ignorant to the informed individual.

Or alternatively, I simply sound immature with my humor, since that humor does not come from an "intellectual" place--it comes off as what a 14-year-old might find funny--whereas my humor might be more mature if I were actually truthfully informed by the social world around me, which is what investigation might lead me to.

By filling my mind with understanding, I virtually eliminate crass humor, since that crass humor is rooted in a lack of understanding. There will be no more room for crassness when I understand.

And I admit, some of the things I find hilarious are immature and probably insensitive to the sensitivities of others. And I'm confused as to why I feel judged by others... when I am the one that has been ignorant and incidentally, although not consciously, judgmental (with my crass behavior)?? Now that's funny.

I've barely, barelllyyyyy done any investigating into "people" topics, like race relations, for example. I was raised in a pretty liberal community, though, admittedly, never really mined the depths of liberal ideologies outside of that. I've cared, superficially, about such topics, without truly understanding them. Perhaps it's time to explore these topics, to better understand the human condition, and to better understand the people around me. They don't even have to be liberal topics per se, but I think exploring more would be good for me and those around me.

 

[Miserum]

A supplement to the above post: my dad has an extremely crass sense of humor. He reads, but is not well-read, and, (probably) the result is that he isn't exactly that familiar with other cultures, and that's putting it lightly. I finally see it in myself, and I despise it.

 

[Miserum]

Understanding the complexities of human civilization and people is just as important to my happiness and satisfaction as, say, learning about space-time and the mysteries of nature. I live in this fucking place (civilization and people), am completely immersed in it, just as much as I live in nature as a whole. I should probably give it my attention. Duh. How did I not see this before? I've been misliving. My focus has been too narrow.

 

[Miserum]

You know, just when I feel like I've come to some realization about my own humanity, and I feel hope in the face of that fact, I myself face some adversity that utterly kills my momentum from the very same people I am trying to understand.

People can be hurtful. Unthinking. Possibly because they haven't thought things through, haven't taken the time to understand things. I guess I've suffered from the same issue... my ignorant worldview has offended others, as explained in post #116. I know now that I truly want to understand them, but sometimes they won't want to understand me or simply have no idea that they even should to try to understand me. I guess I just have to accept that fact and keep moving forward anyway.

 

[Miserum]

Social anxiety, in large part, comes from a fear of not being able to be yourself while in the presence of others.

If you feel like you can be yourself, if you like yourself, have high self-esteem, then by default, you shouldn't care about what others say or think regarding your looks, opinion, personality, intelligence, because you think there's nothing wrong with you, and, in fact, are proud of who you are.

So, I guess, I should learn how to like myself and have good reasons for thinking so. And if there are things about me I dislike that are within my control to change, I should change those things. Doing both should allow me to bolster my own opinion of myself, and thereby weaken the effect that others' thoughts have on me.

 

[PugofCrydee]

You know bro, I've spent around 20 years trying to 'fix' my anxiety. I've had some success.
But there is a part of me that (it took many years, many mental battles within my own mind) understands and accepts that while I can improve to a certain extent, I am who I am. I no longer bend over backwards to please others or to try and understand them in the hope they'll understand me.
Too many times I have been shown it wont happen.
Too many times I've been shown the vast majority of society is self centered, obnoxious and uncaring. I see society as similar to praying. Most people wish you well but really don't want to put in any real effort - to understand you no matter how much you understand them.

One thing I realized was, I don't want to spend my life trying to understand others when in the end I probably won't. I feel it's much more benefit to spend time understanding yourself. Society is just pretty shitty imo (with some pockets of 'not so shitty' stuff).