Thank you guys. I really appreciate the support.
Thing is, I wasn't even depressed when I wrote that. I am not depressed now. I am just sick. Sick of myself and my excuses as to why I am a failure in life.
I see this new paradigm of thought as a liberation actually. If I'm actually a dumb fuck, then I have no choice but to try hard and never give up in anything I try to achieve from here on out. It's either that or die a complete loser. An intelligent person might be able to wing their endeavors and still be successful. I am not that. I've needed to put in effort to be good at things my entire life. And I still need to. Nothing has changed except for the realization that I am truly not that smart and that I need to do something about that. Call it drive.
On that note, it's time for Self-Acceptance Part III.
Not only am I dumb, but I am FAKE AS FUCK. So when I try hard to be liked, given my knuckle-dragging ways, it's probably pretty obvious to anyone with two brain cells. No wonder people don't like me. They see right through my dishonesty. They see that I am trying to deceive them, that I am not forthright, that I strive to be some obsequious lackey, and that I'm willing to do most anything in order to be liked. Furthermore, when I lose my composure and don't act that way--and I really can't help it, like, A LOT--well, that's a huge discrepancy in my character. They probably think "Why the fuck does he act like a silent, moody snob sometimes, but is all smiles other times?" Talk about fucking weird. Nowhere has this become more apparent than in my professional life and people can see right through it.
I decided last night, that fuck playing the "professional game"--the game of getting people to like me at work. It's pointless when people can see right through my bullshit (my mood changes, my ass-kissing, my weird fucking comments), especially my bosses. My pathetic attempts to get them to like me actually has the opposite effect, ironically.
And for that matter, fuck playing any game at all. I need to be completely and wholly real with people. All people. Is it true that I don't put my real opinions on display, my real humor on display, my playfulness, my emotions, because I'm afraid to be judged by people? You bet. So all they get is a fake fucking person with weird idiosyncrasies. It's not even me. It's some other fucking person.
And I've felt that being "real" before was being an angry person vis-a-vis a don't-give-a-fuck attitude. But that wasn't being real. Being real is not even about not giving a fuck. It's about GIVING a fuck about who I really am and not hiding it away from the world in fear of being judged or facing some other imagined consequence.
And who I am is not something that I can put into a box and say "this is me." It's a dynamic, shifting train of thought in response to outside stimuli. That is, "Person A says this or does this." Me: "Okay, what do I REALLY think of this (not what I THINK people will like)--respond with what I REALLY think." This could be something as simple as me deciding to nod my head to music while I'm driving, even if I feel like people are looking at me and laughing. This could be voicing my opinion on topics that my coworkers might not approve of. And to be comfortable doing these things.
I don't need to have some sort of rebellious attitude to be myself. I simply need to stay true to myself in spite of imagined consequences. In other words, be real.
Out of curiosity, have you tried ADHD medication?
