I am so depressed

Miserum

Well-known member
#42
Quite possibly going on ADHD medication next week. I wonder what I'll be like? Will I be more focused? Will I be able to learn faster, converse better, finish tasks more quickly? Will I become a more focused driver? Will I stop rereading paragraphs 10 times over? Will my train of thought be harder to interrupt? Will my memory improve because of better focus?

I hope I don't develop acne or any serious side effects.
 

Miserum

Well-known member
#43
There's that familiar feeling again... like people don't like me.

In other news, I should be starting an Adderall regiment soon--just waiting on some blood work. Psych and PCP both agree that I may have the inattentive form of adult ADHD.

In the meantime, before the prescription rolls in... the good doc has put me on a diet of coffee--he says that it's helpful in those with ACTUAL ADHD. And guess what? I do feel more focused after drinking coffee. Could be a placebo effect though.
 

Miserum

Well-known member
#47
Took my ADHD meds for the first time today. I think it's helping me focus. The feeling is odd so I can't quite put it into words, other than by saying I think it's helping me focus. My focus peaked around the 2-3 hour mark (around 10-11am) and has slowly died down over the span of the day. It lasted the entire day and I feel pretty spent.

In particular, on the meds I did notice that I was MORE aware of how nervous I get during social interactions. I noticed that my heartbeat quickened at the anticipation of a social interaction, and felt it slow at the conclusion of an interaction.

But I am definitely going to have to try this drug a few more times to form a solid opinion on it.
 

Miserum

Well-known member
#49
Quick update to no one in particular. Guess this thread has become a journal of sorts.

I've been on CBD oil for a couple of weeks. 35/mg a day. It seems to make me care less about what people think of me.

I've also been drinking coffee regularly. Despite what I may have said or believed before regarding coffee, it does seem to make me more alert or more focused. There is a clear difference in how focused I am on differing levels of caffeine (say, McDonald's brand vs Starbucks--Starbucks has more caffeine per 16 oz (https://qz.com/quartzy/1347298/getting-your-caffeine-fix-is-cheaper-at-starbucks-than-mcdonalds/)). Looks like I'm following the the example of @FountainandFairfax. Sunshine and caffeine... (with the exception of the CBD oil, of course). :)

Changing topics: after reflecting a bit, I've found that I am not that clear in what I say when I speak (and sometimes when I write). People seem to misconstrue my words or intent often. This misunderstanding could be why people find what I say odd or unfunny, and their reaction to this misunderstanding could be a primary trigger for my social anxiety. I need to work on saying exactly what I mean to communicate, and expressing my intent in an obvious way (as in telling a sarcastic joke).
 
Last edited:
#50
Quick update to no one in particular. Guess this thread has become a journal of sorts.

I've been on CBD oil for a couple of weeks. 35/mg a day. It seems to make me care less about what people think of me.

I've also been drinking coffee regularly. Despite what I may have said or believed before regarding coffee, it does seem to make me more alert or more focused. There is a clear difference in how focused I am on differing levels of caffeine (say, McDonald's brand vs Starbucks--Starbucks has more caffeine per 16 oz (https://qz.com/quartzy/1347298/getting-your-caffeine-fix-is-cheaper-at-starbucks-than-mcdonalds/)). Looks like I'm following the the example of @FountainandFairfax. Sunshine and caffeine... (with the exception of the CBD oil, of course). :)

Changing topics: after reflecting a bit, I've found that I am not that clear in what I say when I speak (and sometimes when I write). People seem to misconstrue my words or intent often. This misunderstanding could be why people find what I say odd or unfunny, and their reaction to this misunderstanding could be a primary trigger for my social anxiety. I need to work on saying exactly what I mean to communicate, and expressing my intent in an obvious way (as in telling a sarcastic joke).
I'm sure you're aware of this, but keep in mind as with any drug the body adapts to it over time. The longer you drink coffee the less of that effect it will have. To get that same effect, you need to drink more, then the body adapts again.. and so on.
 

Miserum

Well-known member
#51
My social anxiety peaked today.

My anxiety stems from my self-perception that I am a loser. It's not even a self-perception; I know I am a loser. I don't feel like I have any right to say anything with conviction to others because I have achieved jack shit in my life. That my opinions and ideas are worthless because I have not provided value while those around me have. That I have no clue (regarding everything) because I've spent the majority of my life doing fuck all. And no wonder I have no fucking sense of humor... how can I when this is how I see myself? I need to BECOME something noteworthy to feel some self-worth... to feel like I can stand on even ground with others. Then and only then do I believe I will truly be happy. Then and only then will I be able to truly express myself confidently.

I need to embrace this suffering and make up for lost time to reach my human potential. And I've been trying to take shortcuts to success. No more of that.
 
Last edited:

Miserum

Well-known member
#52
Self-Acceptance Part II

I am a dumb motherfucker. How do I know this? If I were really that smart (as I've tried to convince myself that I am), I wouldn't be in the myriad bad situations I currently find myself or perceive myself to be in. I would have figured out the fucking solution(s) to my problems by now.

I have also never grasped concepts or made connections as quickly as someone truly intelligent would.

How dumb am I? That... I don't know for sure. But my gut, accompanied by self-reflection, tell me that I am just NOT THAT smart.

The insecurity that I am and never will be one of the talented ones has plagued me for most of my life. It has been one of my greatest shames. But I should just accept it and do what I can within my limits to make my quality of life the best it can be. The only thing that matters in the end is the result; whether I am smart or dumb, what counts is what the fuck I can do with my life regardless.

Are there hard limits on what I can do with my life based on my lack of intelligence? Maybe. But I won't know for sure until I fucking eat shit and piss blood.

HARD WORK. The solution to being a dumb motherfucker is probably grit. Putting in work and pushing through adversity and pain. But guess the fuck what? I LACK GRIT TOO.

Almost everything I've tried to dedicate myself to over the course of my life, I've given up on when the going's gotten tough. The few occasions where I have pushed through adversity were miraculous. I guess I let those victories go to my head, and became complacent and lackadaisical shortly thereafter. The grit didn't last long in any case. For me at least, I need to continually challenge myself, or fall into my natural tendencies: sloth and accepting mediocrity as a lifestyle.

Every day is a fucking battle. And rightfully so. I want to be this, this beautiful thing right here: a winner. It floats above me, just out of reach every second I am awake and sometimes when I'm dreaming. The reality however is that I am this: a fucking lazy, sad-sack loser that's easily defeated by problems come his way. No wonder it's a battle. I can change lazy. I can change sad-sack. Enough of this bullshit, my own bullshit.

I am so damn sick of my loser, self-deprecating mindset. I need to accept what I am, and work my way through my problems despite that to the best of my ability. I need to not give up so EASILY, especially when the odds are looking bleak. So the fuck what if I am dumb? So. the. fuck. what.

In the end it won't matter how smart or dumb I am. I know I will face extreme pain, suffering, and embarrassment if I simply TRY to achieve my goals. An intelligent person might not face this amount of pain and embarrassment, but I know I will. Let it come. If I can achieve my goals with those as a side effect, let them come. Only what I have achieved in the end will matter, and my achievements will be found through grit. Simply enduring. I must endure.

So the new paradigm is: I accept that I'm truly dumb.

Let's see how this works out.
 
Last edited:
#53
Self-Acceptance Part II

I am a dumb motherfucker. How do I know this? If I were really that smart (as I've tried to convince myself that I am), I wouldn't be in the myriad bad situations I currently find myself or perceive myself to be in. I would have figured out the fucking solution(s) to my problems by now.

I have also never grasped concepts or made connections as quickly as someone truly intelligent would.

How dumb am I? That... I don't know for sure. But my gut, accompanied by self-reflection, tell me that I am just NOT THAT smart.

The insecurity that I am and never will be one of the talented ones has plagued me for most of my life. It has been one of my greatest shames. But I should just accept it and do what I can within my limits to make my quality of life the best it can be. The only thing that matters in the end is the result; whether I am smart or dumb, what counts is what the fuck I can do with my life regardless.

Are there hard limits on what I can do with my life based on my lack of intelligence? Maybe. But I won't know for sure until I fucking eat shit and piss blood.

HARD WORK. The solution to being a dumb motherfucker is probably grit. Putting in work and pushing through adversity and pain. But guess the fuck what? I LACK GRIT TOO.

Almost everything I've tried to dedicate myself to over the course of my life, I've given up on when the going's gotten tough. The few occasions where I have pushed through adversity were miraculous. I guess I let those victories go to my head, and became complacent and lackadaisical shortly thereafter. The grit didn't last long in any case. For me at least, I need to continually challenge myself, or fall into my natural tendencies: sloth and accepting mediocrity as a lifestyle.

Every day is a fucking battle. And rightfully so. I want to be this, this beautiful thing right here: a winner. It floats above me, just out of reach every second I am awake and sometimes when I'm dreaming. The reality however is that I am this: a fucking lazy, sad-sack loser that's easily defeated by problems come his way. No wonder it's a battle. I can change lazy. I can change sad-sack. Enough of this bullshit, my own bullshit.

I am so damn sick of my loser, self-deprecating mindset. I need to accept what I am, and work my way through my problems despite that to the best of my ability. I need to not give up so EASILY, especially when the odds are looking bleak. So the fuck what if I am dumb? So. the. fuck. what.

In the end it won't matter how smart or dumb I am. I know I will face extreme pain, suffering, and embarrassment if I simply TRY to achieve my goals. An intelligent person might not face this amount of pain and embarrassment, but I know I will. Let it come. If I can achieve my goals with those as a side effect, let them come. Only what I have achieved in the end will matter, and my achievements will be found through grit. Simply enduring. I must endure.

So the new paradigm is: I accept that I'm truly dumb.

Let's see how this works out.
It's the hardest when you're in the bottom of that well and cant see yourself finding a way out..
You are NOT a dumb m'fker. You are clearly not stupid. I have found myself in the bottom of that well in recent times, and it was your words and thoughts that gave me strength.
After reading this post a a few times, I'm going to make a suggestion. Read the book:
sarah eldlman.jpg
It really helped me get out of my self negative mind set. I know I still get depressed, but this book really helped me look inwards and I became more aware of the faulty thinking pattern I fell into.
Mate, the thoughts you put down in your msg remind me a lot of myself years back. I had to change or I would have continued on that downward spiral.
 
#54
@Miserum , I agree with what Pug said ^

I thought you were extremely harsh with your assessment of yourself in your previous 2 posts. :( Just didn't know how to respond to your post in an advisory way. Sometimes I can't even put sentences together...

I'm glad Pug came up with good advise for you about not being so negative in your opinion of yourself. I do believe you get more productive changes when you focus on positive things. Can you read that book that Pug recommended? :)
 

Miserum

Well-known member
#55
Thank you guys. I really appreciate the support.

Thing is, I wasn't even depressed when I wrote that. I am not depressed now. I am just sick. Sick of myself and my excuses as to why I am a failure in life.

I see this new paradigm of thought as a liberation actually. If I'm actually a dumb fuck, then I have no choice but to try hard and never give up in anything I try to achieve from here on out. It's either that or die a complete loser. An intelligent person might be able to wing their endeavors and still be successful. I am not that. I've needed to put in effort to be good at things my entire life. And I still need to. Nothing has changed except for the realization that I am truly not that smart and that I need to do something about that. Call it drive.

On that note, it's time for Self-Acceptance Part III.

Not only am I dumb, but I am FAKE AS FUCK. So when I try hard to be liked, given my knuckle-dragging ways, it's probably pretty obvious to anyone with two brain cells. No wonder people don't like me. They see right through my dishonesty. They see that I am trying to deceive them, that I am not forthright, that I strive to be some obsequious lackey, and that I'm willing to do most anything in order to be liked. Furthermore, when I lose my composure and don't act that way--and I really can't help it, like, A LOT--well, that's a huge discrepancy in my character. They probably think "Why the fuck does he act like a silent, moody snob sometimes, but is all smiles other times?" Talk about fucking weird. Nowhere has this become more apparent than in my professional life and people can see right through it.

I decided last night, that fuck playing the "professional game"--the game of getting people to like me at work. It's pointless when people can see right through my bullshit (my mood changes, my ass-kissing, my weird fucking comments), especially my bosses. My pathetic attempts to get them to like me actually has the opposite effect, ironically.

And for that matter, fuck playing any game at all. I need to be completely and wholly real with people. All people. Is it true that I don't put my real opinions on display, my real humor on display, my playfulness, my emotions, because I'm afraid to be judged by people? You bet. So all they get is a fake fucking person with weird idiosyncrasies. It's not even me. It's some other fucking person.

And I've felt that being "real" before was being an angry person vis-a-vis a don't-give-a-fuck attitude. But that wasn't being real. Being real is not even about not giving a fuck. It's about GIVING a fuck about who I really am and not hiding it away from the world in fear of being judged or facing some other imagined consequence.

And who I am is not something that I can put into a box and say "this is me." It's a dynamic, shifting train of thought in response to outside stimuli. That is, "Person A says this or does this." Me: "Okay, what do I REALLY think of this (not what I THINK people will like)--respond with what I REALLY think." This could be something as simple as me deciding to nod my head to music while I'm driving, even if I feel like people are looking at me and laughing. This could be voicing my opinion on topics that my coworkers might not approve of. And to be comfortable doing these things.

I don't need to have some sort of rebellious attitude to be myself. I simply need to stay true to myself in spite of imagined consequences. In other words, be real.
 
Last edited:

Miserum

Well-known member
#56
It's the hardest when you're in the bottom of that well and cant see yourself finding a way out..
You are NOT a dumb m'fker. You are clearly not stupid. I have found myself in the bottom of that well in recent times, and it was your words and thoughts that gave me strength.
After reading this post a a few times, I'm going to make a suggestion. Read the book:
View attachment 4551
It really helped me get out of my self negative mind set. I know I still get depressed, but this book really helped me look inwards and I became more aware of the faulty thinking pattern I fell into.
Mate, the thoughts you put down in your msg remind me a lot of myself years back. I had to change or I would have continued on that downward spiral.
Btw, Hound is cool. May Guy Pearce rest in peace.
 
Top