How depression looks like for you?

[razzle dazzle rose]

And I just have to post this 'cause it is so fitting:

Hyperbole and a Half: Adventures in Depression

I am waiting for that epiphany. Though I do seem to get many but real change never takes place...I guess it is not that simple.

 

[Moa]

Body pain, aches, no motivation...
I'm probably not the best person to ask since I don't recall what it's like to not be sick and in pain and miserable all the time.

I want to know too. I often wonder if this is just who I am now or if it is a disease. The only time I can remember not being like this was when I was very little but that was so long ago. If I have been like this all my life, then this is who I am.

Just curious, have either of you been diagnosed with fibromyalgia? I have, but it seems to me the symptoms of fibro are the same as depression. Random aches and pains, fatigue, anxiety, depression, insomnia, feeling swollen. I've tried Lyrica and Savella for my fibromyalgia, but I hated the side effects and decided it wasn't worth it.

 

[MikeyC]

I have had depression for so long it has become like my friend. It is always by my side. I can depend on it be there, even when no one else is. Sometimes I will indulge in it by listening to sad songs and writing sad things in my journal.

While I don't have a journal, that's basically me. It's always just beyond your peripheral vision, lurking and waiting.

 

[Aletheia]

My black dog has always been with me. The times when it sleeps are brief flashes of sunshine through the all consuming fog. The times when it snarls are bolts of lightening which burn and burn and until I want to tear my skin off.

But mostly it leans on me until I can barely breathe much less walk. It gets in my face until my vision narrows and all I can see is my own pain. It roars in my ears until I can't plan or think or want. It seals my mouth and leave me with no words with which to bridge the gulf. It wraps around my bones and I ache but the ache is at least outside my mind. I move through the fog like water, all slow and numb and dead.

Maybe I called it to me because even dead is better than this heartbeat of fear.

 

[MoonBoom]

Every day. For years. You feel worthless, upset you don't get respect, but understand why no one respects you.
You want nothing more than a relationship, but feel you can't take care of yourself, how can you be there for someone else.
Feeling insecure. Constantly. Like you have everything to give, but nothing to show for it.
You feel trapped in a psychological bubble. A torment. Every day thoughts are simply, "somebody love me". But why should they?
Not being able to talk. Not being able to express your thoughts correctly so that others understand. Loneliness. Forever.

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

Just curious, have either of you been diagnosed with fibromyalgia?

Not fibromyalgia, no.
I do have other physical health problems that cover some of the pains; stomach and muscle and such... but for some of the pain, it's caused purely by depression.

 

[Moa]

Not fibromyalgia, no.
I do have other physical health problems that cover some of the pains; stomach and muscle and such... but for some of the pain, it's caused purely by depression.

Did your doctor figure out which of your pain was caused by depression, or did you just know? I'm still trying to figure that out for myself. I've got other health issues that cause chronic pain too, but so far none of my doctors seems to know which is which.

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

Just curious, have either of you been diagnosed with fibromyalgia? I have, but it seems to me the symptoms of fibro are the same as depression. Random aches and pains, fatigue, anxiety, depression, insomnia, feeling swollen. I've tried Lyrica and Savella for my fibromyalgia, but I hated the side effects and decided it wasn't worth it.

I haven't been to the doctor in a long time, so I don't know. I actually had not heard of fibromyalgia. Did a quick search. Perhaps I do experience some of the symptoms like the muscle spasms (yesterday I got one on my foot that lasted quite a while and was so painful); the "brain fog" sounds interesting too. But I don't quite understand what that is.

I have been meaning to get myself tested for hypothyroidism. My mom has it, so maybe I have it too. I can always tell when she is not taking her pills 'cause she goes crazy.

 

[Aletheia]

^Interesting. I'm hypothyroidic and have been on levothyroxine since I was first diagnosed with depression (not that it's helped much).

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

Hmmm...actually, I think all my madness has to do with that time of the month. Ha. I do notice that before I get my period I tend to get more depressed and anxious, but I always think I am just being silly. But then I will get my period and I will okay just like that. It seems I may very well have premenstrual dysphoric disorder. It is an actual thing apparently. I didn't know. I did a quick search right now on PMS and that came up. So, maybe I am not really depressed. It is just my hormones. Somehow this makes me feel slightly better.

 

[theslowesthand]

When the depression's major, everything loses its "familiarity" - its like its all "foreign", like i'm newly-born, and all alone, in a "parallel reality" where everything LOOKS the same, but yet DIFFERENT (or NEW). Its like all my past memories/connections with things has been erased from my brain.

Edit: The only association i have with objects (& people) is with the depression itself, so everything (maybe unless really novel) keeps reminding me & keeping me in the depression. It certainly is a "tricky customer".

 

[Eristelle]

Depression makes everything around me look plain depressing.

In that state of mind I could look at wall and get depressed again by my memories some how associating with it.

 

[Moa]

I haven't been to the doctor in a long time, so I don't know. I actually had not heard of fibromyalgia. Did a quick search. Perhaps I do experience some of the symptoms like the muscle spasms (yesterday I got one on my foot that lasted quite a while and was so painful); the "brain fog" sounds interesting too. But I don't quite understand what that is.

I have been meaning to get myself tested for hypothyroidism. My mom has it, so maybe I have it too. I can always tell when she is not taking her pills 'cause she goes crazy.

It's really interesting you say that... doctors "don't know" what causes fibromyalgia, but one of the theories is that it's actually the result of hypothyroidism.

If you are going to have your thyroid tested, you might want to read this site first. A friend of mine chased her health issues for years before stumbling on this site and finally finding a doctor who determined it to be Hashimodo's disease. Thyroid Mistreatment, Hypothyroidism Scandals, and Thyroid Treatment Problems | Stop The Thyroid Madness?

 

[nicola_maire]

I have it usualy 2 months of the year every year, and its like walking up a hill the rolling all the way down and having to start all over again. It makes my memory go as well, which is weird!

well latest episode was to be expected as this followed the death of my father in May, and christmas day was the straw that broke the camels back.funny how i now had a real excuse to feel like crap but this time i felt strongest desire to get better as well.

well i took myself to the top of a hill. sat there for 2 hours and decided i dont care anymore, no more worries, no more tears, no more depression and no more beating on myself, bigger things happen in the world than my crud. been feeling great ever since. well not great im still sad over my dad, but i got the strengh back, and i chose to fight in this life not be a victim anymore.

 

[Etbow23]

Gray, tree branches silhouetted against the gray sky

Also, it's kind of like a person or some type of spirit that comes back to visit you

I visualize it sometimes like that after I read a poem in the New Yorker called "Grief" by matthew dickman where he said grief was like a purple gorilla that came to visit him again. I don't see it as a purple gorilla, per say, but as some type of creature that comes back to visit me even when I thought it had gone away

 

[Lea]

Depression can differ in it´s severity. I could say I am chronically depressed, but it´s rather milder.. I don´t know how to describe it, "situation is serious but not catastrophic". But I remember one period of depression (in March/april 94 - which was coincidentally when Kurt Cobain shot himself and also read in newspaper that this spring brought an increase on suicides), when I was so desperate that I got completely blank, as if something vital disappeared from the world, like if you take away the air but it wasn´t air, it was the meaning. I was totally desperate and didn´t know what to do with it, because nothing helped, literally nothing. It used to ease in the evenings a bit but during the day it was insupportable. I get severe depressions from time to time but that one was extreme..

 

[takethislife]

Thanks for the response guys

 

[EscapeArtist]

when i'm depressed is when i'm unable to feel my emotions, and there are usually heavily negative emotions behind it, like a feeling of loss or of longing. For me to consider myself depressed I have to be hiding in something and not a acknowledging fears.

 

[Silatuyok]

Depression looks like the floor, the ground, the sidewalk...because when I have depression I find it takes a great effort to lift my gaze from the floor wherever I go. That's when I know that I am truly depressed, and not just having a rough day, week, or month.

 

[BlueDays]

Depression for me is when the things in life that should make you want to stay alive, just don't have any significance anymore.