I don't care if nobody reads this, but I need to write it out.
I have had an absolutely terrible Australia Day.
The plan for today was to go down to a place called Nowra, which is about an hour's drive down the highway, to my uncle's place, where a lot of our family was going to converge and we would have a barbecue and talk and do whatever. Problem is that our family is so unbelievably fractured that I didn't even know half the people there. I'm looking at children younger than 4 years old and wondering how I'm related to them. There's a few people there I didn't even talk to, either, and I don't know their names and basically it was anxiety's worst nightmare.
My mum is agoraphobic and was having a small panic attack when we arrived. She stayed in the car, shaking, wanting water. After she had water and calmed down a little bit she went inside, and once she started talking and chain-smoking she was fine and forgot about her condition. I spoke to some people I know, like some cousins (one of them has a really hot new girlfriend - yum) and some aunts and uncles. The rest I tried to strategically avoid but it's hard to do so in a house where there's 40 people or more.
As the day wore on, I got increasingly depressed and bored, simply because the small talk was draining and uninspiring. I don't understand why we see each other once a year and the best others can tell me is, "boy, it was cool earlier and now it's hot." You know what? I don't care. I don't want to talk to you if that's the best you're going to offer me in conversation. Now, imagine that all day. Random aunts and uncles and cousins who I barely know and some I don't even remember their names, and trying to avoid them.
I was ready to leave at midday, or 1pm. I couldn't leave on my own because I had to take my brother and his girlfriend back home, to which they stalled and procrastinated. They would go sit in the pool area, then come back, make mindless chatter about nothing, play with their phones, eat some snacks, go back to the pool area. Repeat cycle. I didn't want to be there and they kept stalling and stalling and I was waiting for them to tell me they wanted to go home. We had a big family photo and kids got to hit down a pinata. By this stage it was about 3pm and I was flustered.
After the pinata, my brother and his girlfriend stalled some more, playing with their phones and whatnot, and that was it. My limit had been reached and I was starting to bubble. I ended up pacing up and down outside, looking at cars, doing literally anything to take my mind off it. My mum came over and said, "you're not interacting." I said, "I have reached my limit. I want to go." We did leave soon after, and there was almost no talking from me on the way back. I was angry at them for delaying the departure and I was depressed about the whole day.
On the way back I get a text from my friend who asked about a movie and a possible ride to a bottle shop. I told him no to the movie, which is rare for me to do, and he texted back still asking for the ride. I was really upset at him still asking but I said yes. I pick him up in a foul mood and I was driving to the bottle shop, only to have the cops pull me over. In an unbelievable stroke of luck, I knew the cop coming over, as I work in his department doing the cleaning. He immediately recognised me and told me I was doing 94 in a 70 zone (I would've lost my license for sure). Thankfully he told me to slow down and walked away. Now I will probably see him tomorrow morning and I'll have to put my tail between my legs. I am very lucky to still have my driver's license.
I had to run an errand for my parents while out, as well, just to add some salt to the wound.
I finally get back home, ready to isolate myself from the worst day this year so far, only for mum to come in my room and tell me she thinks she did something wrong bringing me up, fighting back tears, as to why I'm so depressed. Her advice (yet again) was to get a girlfriend because that'll be the answer to all my problems. I didn't want to hear any of this. I didn't exactly snap but I did get a bit irritated at it all. Now she's a little upset and it's one more thing to add on to my day.
If I can salvage one good thing out of it, my cousin gave me the phone number of his boss being a roadie, as they're looking for people. Maybe there's an opportunity there.
Overall, I have had a terrible day and I'm annoyed and depressed.
Happy ****ing Australia Day.
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