How are you feeling?

[Graeme1988]

Like I want to sleep for a year.

I actually could do that. Not even joking, either. :sad:

Well, this year was utter sh!te for me. Been depressed since August, wasted the latter half of year cuz my older sister's husband left her. Never left more of a prisoner in ma own home. Though, given how argumentative and ungrateful she been towards me and our mum for letting her move back home, I can see why he inciated the divorce. :thumbdown:

But lesson learnt the hard way... Never put yer families needed ahead of your own - especially if they don't care about ye.

Ah don't have much hope for next year, especially with another milestone birthday fast approaching for me. ::

 

[Graeme1988]

I curse the day I was born.

So do I, man. Had I known my life was going to pan out as it has, I'd have rather died at birth, or been put up for adoption. At least the latter might've given me a better outlook on life, better quality of life, despite the disability, and a better chance academically in school.

I often wonder how I would've turn out had my dad raised me instead. :sad:
,

 

[FountainandFairfax]

One day I'm going to record my brother's ridiculous behavior, obscure his face, and post it here for everybody to see. It's absolutely mind-boggling how much of a ******* he really is. I can't even pay a visit to my mother for half an hour without him throwing a tantrum while I'm there and acting like a complete idiot.

 

[Graeme1988]

One day I'm going to record my brother's ridiculous behavior, obscure his face, and post it here for everybody to see.

Why didn't I do that back in August? h:

It's absolutely mind-boggling how much of a ******* he really is. I can't even pay a visit to my mother for half an hour without him throwing a tantrum while I'm there and acting like a complete idiot.

You think that's bad... I can't even ask my mother to do something for me without my older sister throwing a raging hissy fit. :kickingmyself: Nor can I have a normal, civilsed conversation with my older sister without her throwing a tantrum. But then neither can my mum or older sister. We're always walking on eggshells. It's only recently that my mum finally got why I'm closer to my oldest sister. :sad:

:

 

[Graeme1988]

Oh. My. Fuc... YASS!! Get it up ye!

My older sister just got some bad news from the local housing deapartment. Because she has declined the last 2 temporary accommodation placement, if she doesn't accept the next one the housing department offer, they can refuse to help her on the grounds that she wasted their time on the 2 previous occasions.

Aye, ah might be totally fanny for huvin the nerve to see that as great news. But, believe me, after the hell she put me and our mother through for the last 5 months, the bitch deserves it. Treating the family home like a f*ckin hotel, give us attitude like she's Kim Kardashian or summit. :thumbdown:

 

[theslowesthand]

As per usual, i can't extract any joy/pleasure/peace from activities. I live in constant fight/flight mode (general anxiety). :sad:
WHEN WILL THIS WAR END???

 

[Graeme1988]

Wondering whether I'll ever be happy. Making other folk happy doesnae bring me any joy. Doing things that make me happy only fills me with guilty, because I spent my whole life being made to feel bad about putting myself first. :sad:

 

[theslowesthand]

Wondering whether I'll ever be happy. Making other folk happy doesnae bring me any joy. Doing things that make me happy only fills me with guilty, because I spent my whole life being made to feel bad about putting myself first. :sad:

Thinking about it, i always felt guilty for doing relaxing activities by myself. My parents are very active, and i'm very passive. Maybe that's partly why i don't feel comfortable when being "relaxed"? :question:

 

[theslowesthand]

My life's f*cked because ... it just is. :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

Thinking about it, i always felt guilty for doing relaxing activities by myself. My parents are very active, and i'm very passive. Maybe that's partly why i don't feel comfortable when being "relaxed"? :question:

Possibly... :idontknow: Though I'm the opposite, ah cannae just about bored, doing nuthin.
But ah really enjoying doing relaxing activities by myself. Naebuddy to answer to, but myself. No-one constantly nagging me or wasting my time. It's great! The main reason why ah love huvin the house to myself.

 

[Graeme1988]

My life's f*cked because ... it just is. :sad:

Same here. But then, that's how my life's been from birth. :sad:

 

[defiance]

My life's f*cked because ... it just is. :sad:

Man, I was about to go into a long rant about some things I was going through lately. But when I read this it just hit home so hard that I almost teared up. The only thing ill add is that my chest pains have returned amidst all this chaos that my mind puts me through. If it is a heart attack, then so be it. I won't say a thing and I will just let it happen and maybe I can finally be done with this messed up world with its messed up people.

 

[Graeme1988]

Conflicted. Do I put up with the unpleasant atmosphere my older sister creates whenever she's in the house, or comes to visit? Or should I move out and just my family outta my life and get on with the life I should've had 10 years ago? :idontknow:

 

[BlueDays]

Conflicted. Do I put up with the unpleasant atmosphere my older sister creates whenever she's in the house, or comes to visit? Or should I move out and just my family outta my life and get on with the life I should've had 10 years ago? :idontknow:

Just from reading all of your posts detailing the anguish your mother and sisters have put you through for so many years, Graeme, I doubt very much that they are capable of change. Therefore I believe you would be better off taking the path of moving out and not living in the same home with them 24/7 if it is possible for you to do so.

Then YOU will be able to control how long you spend - can cope with - around your family. You will have the option of "going home" to relax and be free of their torment, when you feel you need to.

 

[theslowesthand]

Same here. But then, that's how my life's been from birth. :sad:

Yep, same here. Right from birth. Trait anxiety, and then some. :sad:

'Born under a bad sign'.

 

[theslowesthand]

As if each day isn't hard enough to get through, i now must suffer through the grieving process of losing several "pet" sheep that i've been getting to know over the past year. They have been like pets to me. Two of them i could pat. They were taken to the livestock sale today. My heartless parents won't miss them; 'it's a farm, we do it for money' they say. :crying:

 

[Graeme1988]

Just from reading all of your posts detailing the anguish your mother and sisters have put you through for so many years, Graeme, I doubt very much that they are capable of change. Therefore I believe you would be better off taking the path of moving out and not living in the same home with them 24/7 if it is possible for you to do so.

Oh, it's very much possible, that's why I applied to my local housing department to be re-housed. But it's going to take a few months, as they don't process the application right away. And yer right... Though, when my sister and I were in Edinburgh during the summer, she joked that, if I moved out, I'd probably not see her or the rest of my family much, and that I'd probably be glad of that. I just said I wouldn't know...

And these past few months huv just gave me more reasons for going my own way. As it has been mentally draining and frustrating putting up with everything. :sad: The house feels more like a prison than a family home.

To say it's been depressing is a laughably downplaying just how bad things have been. As every point I've made about why my family is the way it is, has had my mother partly agreeing with me. And my oldest sister not even trying to dispute me when I made the slightly sarcastic remark that our sister, despite being 8 years older than me, has the maturity level of a teenager. :thumbdown:

And my oldest sister told me back in June, given how well I coped on my own while our mum was away for a week, that I'd probably do ok by myself with minimal help. Which is saying something, given how cautious my family are because of my disability.

It's just... Well, ah know my mother and middle sibling are going to use my words against me, as they always do, if I point out any flaws they might have. Such as their inability to take criticism like adults. :kickingmyself: But ah know ma mum's just going resort to emotional blackmail to keep me around. Despite the fact nothing will change for me if I do.

Then YOU will be able to control how long you spend - can cope with - around your family. You will have the option of "going home" to relax and be free of their torment, when you feel you need to.

Like my oldest sister does...

 

[theslowesthand]

Playing heavy metal, which haven't done in recent months. Feel slight "despairing anger" at life. On 2nd beer (but could do with spirits). Only booze & chemicals & music can alleviate this type of mood i'm in now.
Now playing just hard rock - van halen. Might play some blues rock next, maybe jimi hendrix, or led zeppelin.
Now playing a jimi hendrix concert. Might play cream next, as i like jimi's instumental cover of one of their songs.
Now playing a cream concert. First bit of real peace i've had today/tonight.

 

[Graeme1988]

Playing heavy metal, which haven't done in recent months. Feel slight "despairing anger" at life. On 2nd beer (but could do with spirits). Only booze & chemicals & music can alleviate this type of mood i'm in now.
Now playing just hard rock - van halen. Might play some blues rock next, maybe jimi hendrix, or led zeppelin.

Good choices there. :thumbup: I've been blasting metal albums for the past 5 months. That3s how pissed off I've been lately. :kickingmyself: But I've also been listening to some uplifting ambient music to keep myself calm and relaxed.

Booze just recently became came back into it for me. It would've done sooner but my mum's got enough to deal with, without worrying about whether I'm becoming an alcoholic. :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

Just got the best news ah could've hope for... and ah couldnae be happier.