How are you feeling?

I'm so damn lonely.

Didnae really git much sleep last night. Mainly because o' insomnia an' this urge tae jist dae summit productive. Went tae bed afore midnight. Got woken by the New Year fireworks display. Read fur a wee while, then got back up.

So ah've been jist been free up space on ma laptop since 4am this morning. Sleepin' briefly from 5am until midday. An' yet, ah'm no' as tired as ah should be.

Piece_By_Piece said: ↑

I'm so damn lonely.

Unfortunately many of us know that feeling all too well. It's like we're incompatible with the world and the people around us. It's like we run on different software compared to them. :oh:

*Hugs* to anyone feeling down right now. 🙂

Fffffffff...ff

very unattractive in many ways

2015 is off tae a great start fur me. Ah've no' been able tae sleep much, but ah'm no' totally knackered. And ah've bin mair productive in two days than ah've huv the past two months. But then again that could be doon tae me being mair focused oan gittin' stuff done.

So that the positive side o' 'hings. On tha other hand, ah'm still feelin' depressed, stuck an' unhappy. :sad: Quite cynical an' pessimistic aboot ma family sayin' they'll change an' treat better. Since they tend tae say yin thing an' do the exact opposite.

Also, broke doon in tear at half-past five this mornin' efter gittin' up tae go tae the toliet. Because ah suddenly realised ma relationship wi' ma mum is driftin' further an' further apart. An' she doesnae seem tae care. :crying:

kihira said: ↑

very unattractive in many ways

I feel unattractive in many ways, my face for example, I never felt I was pretty, I may like myself rarely and feel I am not that bad or sometimes I feel somewhat pretty, its a shallow thing to do anyway. So, that shouldn't matter. There are things I dislike about myself, my cowardice, indecisiveness, a degree of selfishness among other things. Sorry for making it a rambling, but your post made me think I do feel that many times though you may be referring to something else.

Graeme1988 said: ↑

2015 is off tae a great start fur me. Ah've no' been able tae sleep much, but ah'm no' totally knackered. And ah've bin mair productive in two days than ah've huv the past two months. But then again that could be doon tae me being mair focused oan gittin' stuff done.

So that the positive side o' 'hings. On tha other hand, ah'm still feelin' depressed, stuck an' unhappy. :sad: Quite cynical an' pessimistic aboot ma family sayin' they'll change an' treat better. Since they tend tae say yin thing an' do the exact opposite.

Also, broke doon in tear at half-past five this mornin' efter gittin' up tae go tae the toliet. Because ah suddenly realised ma relationship wi' ma mum is driftin' further an' further apart. An' she doesnae seem tae care. :crying:

I keep wondering why you don't gather all the energy in the universe to move away from your family? They seem to be the main reason to your mental health problems, you can't heal if you stay with them can you

Pacific_Loner said: ↑

I keep wondering why you don't gather all the energy in the universe to move away from your family? They seem to be the main reason to your mental health problems, you can't heal if you stay with them can you

Why...? Because ah need 'em, apparently. An' they don't know whit they'd do without me. And they "love" me, an' I make 'em happy. Oh! Also co-dependency. As well as internal conflict oan ma part.

Ah mean, do I destroy ma family by sayin' "Right, ah want you, you, an' especially you outta ma life. Nae excuse, nae second chances"

Ye see, the thing wi' dysfunctional family is that they are great at pittin' oan a front. So, to the outsider, it seems like we all get along when it reality we really can stand each other.

Ah guess, ah kinda suffer due tae the lack of a strong male influence in ma house. Growing up wi' two sister an' a single mum. Isolation was kinda inevitable.

Given that ma family were never the kinda family tae say how we felt. Depression was treat as joke to them. Everytime ah'd say I was depressed, it'd get a laugh, usually from ma oldest sister. Ironic, given her job as a mental health support worker. But then, her idea of emotional support within the family is sayin' "I love you". Which is emotional support in the most basic sense, in ma opinion. But, nae emotional support if yer feelin' depressed an' feelin' suicidal - jist snap ootae it! Or go to therapy. Aside from those options yer pretty much oan yer ain.

Oh! An' ye better no' huv the nerve to call people oan their hypocritical behaviour or get intae a fight wi' yer sister over the summit trivial like a constantly makin' offensive, racist joke. Naw, f**kin' run for the hills! Avoid those uncomfortable problems that are difficult tae talk aboot. Oh! Don't you dare say yer mum's a selfish, controlling wummin or anyone else who'd "do anything for you" because then you're seen as an ungrateful brat.

Also, it's quite frustrating to ask a bitter, neglectful parent or irritating, obnoxious, ignorant siblings to take responsibility for their action when they will not even admit when they are wrong.

Hard tae unlearn what you've learn. Especially when ma mum idea of conflict resolution is "Jist forget aboot it!" Which is great if only were that easy.

Apologies for the long ranty post.

Graeme1988 said: ↑

Why...? Because ah need 'em, apparently. An' they don't know whit they'd do without me. And they "love" me, an' I make 'em happy. Oh! Also co-dependency. As well as internal conflict oan ma part.

Ah mean, do I destroy ma family by sayin' "Right, ah want you, you, an' especially you outta ma life. Nae excuse, nae second chances"

Ye see, the thing wi' dysfunctional family is that they are great at pittin' oan a front. So, to the outsider, it seems like we all get along when it reality we really can stand each other.

Ah guess, ah kinda suffer due tae the lack of a strong male influence in ma house. Growing up wi' two sister an' a single mum. Isolation was kinda inevitable.

Given that ma family were never the kinda family tae say how we felt. Depression was treat as joke to them. Everytime ah'd say I was depressed, it'd get a laugh, usually from ma oldest sister. Ironic, given her job as a mental health support worker. But then, her idea of emotional support within the family is sayin' "I love you". Which is emotional support in the most basic sense, in ma opinion. But, nae emotional support if yer feelin' depressed an' feelin' suicidal - jist snap ootae it! Or go to therapy. Aside from those options yer pretty much oan yer ain.

Oh! An' ye better no' huv the nerve to call people oan their hypocritical behaviour or get intae a fight wi' yer sister over the summit trivial like a constantly makin' offensive, racist joke. Naw, f**kin' run for the hills! Avoid those uncomfortable problems that are difficult tae talk aboot. Oh! Don't you dare say yer mum's a selfish, controlling wummin or anyone else who'd "do anything for you" because then you're seen as an ungrateful brat.

Also, it's quite frustrating to ask a bitter, neglectful parent or irritating, obnoxious, ignorant siblings to take responsibility for their action when they will not even admit when they are wrong.

Hard tae unlearn what you've learn. Especially when ma mum idea of conflict resolution is "Jist forget aboot it!" Which is great if only were that easy.

Apologies for the long ranty post.

Ooh, check me oot! Quotin' maself, there. :bigsmile:

Eh, ah jist like tae add that ah think ma physical disability (cerebral palsy) contributed tae the notion that ah need tae depend upon other folk.

^I'm sorry you have cerebral palsy (I had to google it) and don't worry about the rant. However, I've grown up in a disfunctional family as well and your rant just confirms that you should get the hell out of there ASAP 😛

Pacific_Loner said: ↑

^I'm sorry you have cerebral palsy (I had to google it) and don't worry about the rant.

Och, don't feel sorry for me regard ma disability, that's how things are. Ye jist git oan wi' 'hings as best ye can. Dinnae dwell oan stuff ye cannae change.

Pacific_Loner said: ↑

However, I've grown up in a disfunctional family as well and your rant just confirms that you should get the hell out of there ASAP 😛

Ah know but how? When they're makin' me guilt aboot daein 'hings oan ma own terms. It doesnae help matter that they lobbed that f*kin' "Everyone deserve a second chance" cliché. Aye, but only if somebuddy admit their mistake shortly after being called on it, don't 'cha think?

Ah mean, if you telt me ah was actin' like right twat-monkey in a certain group social situation, right? Ah'd take that on board an' adjust ma behaviour accordingly. An apologies for ma previous behaviour. Mind you, that hypothetical situation does require me tae devoid of certain, eh... alcoholic beverages. :bigsmile:

Anyway, it's no' easy gittin' out of a dysfunctional situation when those around you ignore the fact yer silently suffering. Just going along with things because yer telt tae. An' because real change is too difficult for some. Intitally, ah didnae think ah'd cope on ma own for 4 days when ma mum went to visit ma older sister (aka "the middle child") and niece over in Ireland, but somehow ah managed.

Also, ma family tend tae start greetin' (crying) whenever ah point out their mistakes, an offer a way of way of amends for said mistakes. Am I a bad person? Sometimes ah wonder... :question:

I'm feeling stressed right now and can't wait until 5 pm

Graeme1988 said: ↑

Ah know but how?

Suggestion: Find a job and move out. Cut the bridges. Then work your brain problems in a healthy environment (your new home). Then if you feel like you have the energy, rebuild the bridges.

Graeme1988 said: ↑

When they're makin' me guilt aboot daein 'hings oan ma own terms. It doesnae help matter that they lobbed that f*kin' "Everyone deserve a second chance" cliché. Aye, but only if somebuddy admit their mistake shortly after being called on it, don't 'cha think?

Ah mean, if you telt me ah was actin' like right twat-monkey in a certain group social situation, right? Ah'd take that on board an' adjust ma behaviour accordingly. An apologies for ma previous behaviour. Mind you, that hypothetical situation does require me tae devoid of certain, eh... alcoholic beverages. :bigsmile:

Anyway, it's no' easy gittin' out of a dysfunctional situation when those around you ignore the fact yer silently suffering. Just going along with things because yer telt tae. An' because real change is too difficult for some. Intitally, ah didnae think ah'd cope on ma own for 4 days when ma mum went to visit ma older sister (aka "the middle child") and niece over in Ireland, but somehow ah managed.

Also, ma family tend tae start greetin' (crying) whenever ah point out their mistakes, an offer a way of way of amends for said mistakes. Am I a bad person? Sometimes ah wonder... :question:

You can live on your own and they can live without you, there is not a shadow of a doubt about that. Don't let them manipulate you. My mother kicked me out when I was 16, begged me to come back until I did 3 years later, kept threatening me that she would kick me out for yet 2 more years and when I finally decided to leave for good, she bursted into tears and basically called me a hearthless b****. I left anyway and things went uphill from there. This is a game. Once you're old enough to work, you don't have to play that game anymore.

Ok I'm done telling people what to do, I'm starting to annoy myself.

Pacific_Loner said: ↑

Suggestion: Find a job and move out. Cut the bridges. Then work your brain problems in a healthy environment (your new home). Then if you feel like you have the energy, rebuild the bridges.

You can live on your own and they can live without you, there is not a shadow of a doubt about that. Don't let them manipulate you. My mother kicked me out when I was 16, begged me to come back until I did 3 years later, kept threatening me that she would kick me out for yet 2 more years and when I finally decided to leave for good, she bursted into tears and basically called me a hearthless b****. I left anyway and things went uphill from there. This is a game. Once you're old enough to work, you don't have to play that game anymore.

Ok I'm done telling people what to do, I'm starting to annoy myself.

Cheers for the advice, nonetheless. It's much appreciated. :thumbup:

Not gonnae lie, though... Given ma disability, currently movin' out an' findin' work will be difficult. Maybe ah should finally get some corrective surgery before ah finally move out, just to, hopefully, make things a bit easier for me in the long-term?

Whoa! Just realised this gonnae be a difficult, emotional task for me. Leaving the house, I'd pretty much grew up in. Ironically, though, the best times for me were and are those times away from tha home (Going to a music festival, concert or stand-up comedy gig, or going the cinema).

There's a big difference between feelin' alone an' actually being alone.

Like I'd rather focus on making art, reading, independent studies, than worrying about not having friends

ApplePie4Kitty said: ↑

Like I'd rather focus on making art, reading, independent studies, than worrying about not having friends

Ah can relate tae that. Though, ah wish was a bit more creative.

I am so tired, I over think. Yeah I do. And that too doesn't help my find way out. I have written my problems / and wishes so much on paper that I am bored of it now. Who knows, if I will try to get them or not, or just sit and waste time doing nothing.

springk said: ↑

I am so tired, I over think. Yeah I do. And that too doesn't help my find way out. I have written my problems / and wishes so much on paper that I am bored of it now. Who knows, if I will try to get them or not, or just sit and waste time doing nothing.

Ah know, ah'm tired as well. For varied reasons - mainly a lack o' sleep an' feelin' fed-up.

But ah hope ye find tha motivation tae do summit tae make some o' those wishes a reality, spring. It'd be a shame tae do nuthin' an' let 'em pass ye by. Ah know it isnae easy, but if work on yin thing at a time it might be a wee bit easier. :thumbup:

An' ah know whit ye mean aboot over-thinkin'. Ah daein it masel' - it's a right pain in tha arse. :kickingmyself:

Anyway, hope ye feel better soon, darlin'. 🙂

Thanks Graeme, yes you are right. I have to work on it, I think and make plans but seldom take action.