Heart-breaking lonelyness

Blannabers

Blannabers

Active member
I don't necessarily know if this is the correct place to put this, but I'm sure that someone will find it.

Very very recently, I have been having these thoughts of complete loneliness. Not just regular loneliness (though included), but I have been having lonely spells, as if looking for a significant other. What I wouldn't give to lay next to someone, cuddled up, watching a movie or some tv, just chilling out of the night, being lazy together. I know that I could be a fantastic girlfriend, or maybe a wife. I am 24 years old and I'm starting to hear the marriage bells. Maybe not for the reason that I want to be married, but just because I want someone to call my own.

Here's my problem though. I developed the dreaded wall. The shield that keeps people at bay. It's not like anyone is asking me out or anything, or have been for a while, but whenever I feel (when I think it happens) that someone is trying to break into that closeness, I shut down. I block myself in and dig in my heels. I somehow keep them at bay. I have good reason to develop that reflex though. For my past 3 'relationships', everytime I completely let go, let them all the way in or sleep with them (sex is very sacred to me), they disappear, literally, the day after. I'm left confused, broken-hearted, and very upset.

Now, I really want to fall in love and I feel like I deserve to, granted seeing all those douchebags with nice girls or sluts with the nice guy. The last time someone tried to 'come in' it got messy. I was terrified, I instantly put myself down really hard, and I buried myself underneath a rock, pretty much.

I'm sure alot of you out there feel the same way about wanting someone for yourself, right?
 
S

satstrn

Well-known member
I'm a 23 year old male and I'm the same way around women. I had two girlfriends that I liked very much but refused to let in completely. I've been alone about 3 years though, and I know how it feels to be lonely. I can understand why you would be hesitant to let someone into your life after those experiences. I don't hear any marriage bells or anything, but I can definitely relate. It does seem odd that they all left you so quick, why do you think that happened? It sounds like there are plenty of men out there who desire you, maybe you've been looking at the wrong qualities. Or maybe you just got screwed over three times in a row. I think the more you know yourself, the better you will be able to judge a potential significant other. Don't give up or lose faith in yourself. Don't rush any relationship, give it as much time as you need...make sure you find someone who understands what you've gone through and is sensitive to it. Boy I know how you feel, though. Cuddling up with someone and watching a movie sounds pretty damn solid.


ps also working 2 jobs, it SUCKS SO MUCH!
 
MikeyC

MikeyC

Well-known member
Blannabers said:
What I wouldn't give to lay next to someone, cuddled up, watching a movie or some tv, just chilling out of the night, being lazy together. I know that I could be a fantastic girlfriend, or maybe a wife. I am 24 years old and I'm starting to hear the marriage bells. Maybe not for the reason that I want to be married, but just because I want someone to call my own.
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It's nice to feel wanted, and humans are social creatures by nature, so it's only natural you would want someone there to cuddle with.

Blannabers said:
For my past 3 'relationships', everytime I completely let go, let them all the way in or sleep with them (sex is very sacred to me), they disappear, literally, the day after. I'm left confused, broken-hearted, and very upset.
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This is exactly why the walls have come up. You've developed your own defense mechanism to avoid getting hurt again like you have done the last 3 times. How do I know? I've done the same thing.

I think the guys in these relationships probably have qualities you're not looking for in a long-term situation. I think they wanted sex and nothing more, while you were under the illusion that they wanted more than that, and your expectations have not met reality, therefore you're left with nothing except a crazy memory and a broken heart.

Blannabers said:
Now, I really want to fall in love and I feel like I deserve to, granted seeing all those douchebags with nice girls or sluts with the nice guy.
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My mate and I always see really attractive girls with average-looking guys, so we know there's hope (he's good-looking himself so I don't know what his issue is). There is hope for everyone, including you, but sometimes it can take a lot longer to find your compatible partner.

My views on relationships are a little, let's say, different to yours, but I hope you find a man that will be everything you want. You're obviously pining for someone in your life and he is definitely out there. Sometimes you've just got to dig through the weeds to find the single flower blooming graciously underneath.
 
MikeyC

MikeyC

Well-known member
1BlackSheep said:
I've pulled all the weeds and I want my flower, dammit! ;)
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Some people are cultivating the wrong patch of weeds.

I know a girl who is constantly falling for the wrong guys. Although she is kind of a terrible person and I don't feel sorry for her, I wonder why she seems constantly drawn to these people. She's currently interstate ruling in favour of her ex-boyfriend to get him cleared of assault/rape/something like that...when she told me he bashed her up. Work that one out.

You will find your flower. :)
 
Kiwong

Kiwong

Well-known member
MikeyC said:
Sometimes you've just got to dig through the weeds to find the single flower blooming graciously underneath.
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If it's Bitou Bush you've got some serious weeding to do. Try aerial spraying. Or move to South Africa Bitou Bush is native over there.
 
MikeyC

MikeyC

Well-known member
Kiwong said:
If it's Bitou Bush you've got some serious weeding to do. Try aerial spraying. Or move to South Africa Bitou Bush is native over there.
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Bitou bush is a pest, which I suppose fits in with the metaphor.

I don't understand how "aerial spraying" fits, though!
 
Kiwong

Kiwong

Well-known member
MikeyC said:
Bitou bush is a pest, which I suppose fits in with the metaphor.

I don't understand how "aerial spraying" fits, though!
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Taking the weeding analogy a little bit too literally I suppose. Douchebag spray made by Monsanto.
 
Arthur_Dent

Arthur_Dent

1
Yes Blannabers, you're not alone about feeling alone, which is how I've been my whole life in romantic terms. No wonder why half of my posts are just complaining about that =P. Sometimes I feel I get annoying with the subject, but as others have said here, is just natural to want to be loved.
 
Mr.Prez

Mr.Prez

Well-known member
Blannabers said:
I don't necessarily know if this is the correct place to put this, but I'm sure that someone will find it.

Very very recently, I have been having these thoughts of complete loneliness. Not just regular loneliness (though included), but I have been having lonely spells, as if looking for a significant other. What I wouldn't give to lay next to someone, cuddled up, watching a movie or some tv, just chilling out of the night, being lazy together. I know that I could be a fantastic girlfriend, or maybe a wife. I am 24 years old and I'm starting to hear the marriage bells. Maybe not for the reason that I want to be married, but just because I want someone to call my own.

Here's my problem though. I developed the dreaded wall. The shield that keeps people at bay. It's not like anyone is asking me out or anything, or have been for a while, but whenever I feel (when I think it happens) that someone is trying to break into that closeness, I shut down. I block myself in and dig in my heels. I somehow keep them at bay. I have good reason to develop that reflex though. For my past 3 'relationships', everytime I completely let go, let them all the way in or sleep with them (sex is very sacred to me), they disappear, literally, the day after. I'm left confused, broken-hearted, and very upset.

Now, I really want to fall in love and I feel like I deserve to, granted seeing all those douchebags with nice girls or sluts with the nice guy. The last time someone tried to 'come in' it got messy. I was terrified, I instantly put myself down really hard, and I buried myself underneath a rock, pretty much.

I'm sure alot of you out there feel the same way about wanting someone for yourself, right?
Click to expand...

I'm sorry to hear that :( I pretty much feel the exact same way but kind of have the additional problem with not very many available people to date. It's hard to work past the wall isn't it. As many douchebags there are out there there's just as many guys out there who will be patient with you and love you for who you are and understand how you feel.
 
Moa

Moa

Well-known member
I don't expect you to answer this question by posting here, but answer it for yourself:

Do you love yourself?

In my loneliest of times, my problem was that I didn't love myself. Not only does that make the loneliness even more unbearable, but you know the saying - you've got to love yourself before someone can love you.

Anyway, I'm sorry you're hurting, and I hope you get to feeling better soon.
 
Hastings & Main

Hastings & Main

Well-known member
Blannabers said:
What I wouldn't give to lay next to someone, cuddled up, watching a movie or some tv, just chilling out of the night, being lazy together.
I'm sure alot of you out there feel the same way about wanting someone for yourself, right?
Click to expand...

Right with you there. Sometimes the longing is almost physically painful.

Just a few hours ago, in a store, I saw what I would say was pretty much what I am looking for in a woman. She reacted to me and could tell we were into the same music because of the shirt I was wearing.

She purposely hurried and got into the line behind me. My anxiety flared and I had to wipe my brow a few times (it's very cold out but the heat in the store was ridiculous) and I got out as quick as I could w/o even looking at her again, and only later a couple blocks away came up with a way I could have waited outside, cooled off and done something to connect.

But I'm still alone. I will keep my eyes open for her around the neighborhood, tho'.
 
MikeyC

MikeyC

Well-known member
Hastings & Main said:
She purposely hurried and got into the line behind me. My anxiety flared and I had to wipe my brow a few times (it's very cold out but the heat in the store was ridiculous) and I got out as quick as I could w/o even looking at her again, and only later a couple blocks away came up with a way I could have waited outside, cooled off and done something to connect.
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Oh, dude! Definitely should've done something, but I know it's easier said than done. I once had two hot girls interested in me and a friend. It was so obvious it was stupid, but my anxiety flared up and I could only muster a super-fast "hi." I can tell in your case you would've beaten yourself up later.
 
Blannabers

Blannabers

Active member
Moa said:
Do you love yourself?

In my loneliest of times, my problem was that I didn't love myself. Not only does that make the loneliness even more unbearable, but you know the saying - you've got to love yourself before someone can love you.

Anyway, I'm sorry you're hurting, and I hope you get to feeling better soon.
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I thank you for your words and No. I don't love myself. I can't after the mistakes I feel like I have made. In another recent thread, the one about comparing yourself, I have made the awful mistake of later comparing myself to people. Especially to the ones I care about because I'm trying to size myself up to them. The thought of "Am I worthy for them"? It haunts me to this day to where I am afraid to face a 'friend' because I care for him so deeply and I had extremely bad luck in my life while he's well off and he deserves the very absolute best. I don't know how to get to the point with even being friends with myself and I know this is destroying any chance I have with anyone, but I don't know where to start.

Hastings & Main said:
Right with you there. Sometimes the longing is almost physically painful.

Just a few hours ago, in a store, I saw what I would say was pretty much what I am looking for in a woman. She reacted to me and could tell we were into the same music because of the shirt I was wearing.

She purposely hurried and got into the line behind me. My anxiety flared and I had to wipe my brow a few times (it's very cold out but the heat in the store was ridiculous) and I got out as quick as I could w/o even looking at her again, and only later a couple blocks away came up with a way I could have waited outside, cooled off and done something to connect.
Click to expand...

I am very sorry to hear of your misfortune. I know you must be feeling some kind of regret. I'm not saying you'll never see her again, but I wonder if you would happen to go back to that store. See if the associate may know if she happens to come around alot or not and see if you can work off that. You may bump into her by accident again, you may not. I wish the best for you. Maybe the forces (or whatever you may believe in, because I'm not really religious), may work in your favor. Also, take into account she may be friends with that band (the one's shirt you were wearing) on Facebook. ;) Just giving you a point to start, if she's really worth the few minutes of digging.

MikeyC said:
You're obviously pining for someone in your life and he is definitely out there.
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You somehow dissected my description into understandable points or solutions. You are a brilliant person and I thank you for helping me understand myself just a tad more. :)
 
MikeyC

MikeyC

Well-known member
Blannabers said:
I thank you for your words and No. I don't love myself. I can't after the mistakes I feel like I have made.
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Everybody makes mistakes. That doesn't make us flawed - that makes us human. However, you seem to have learnt from your mistakes and you know what to look for in the future, and that's a life lesson you wouldn't have known before. That's a positive outlook on a negative situation.

You are certainly not the first girl to sleep with mistakes, and you certainly won't be the last. Same for guys, too. Somewhere in the world it is happening right this second.

Blannabers said:
You somehow dissected my description into understandable points or solutions. You are a brilliant person and I thank you for helping me understand myself just a tad more. :)
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You are very welcome. ::eek::
 
LazyHermitCrab

LazyHermitCrab

Well-known member
purchase a heating blanket at least it's as warm as if someone is cuddling you and maybe a pet.... some people don't find someone right away, it will be okay :)
 
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