Having pedophilic thoughts for the first time since December

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yesman

Well-known member
Hi everyone,

My troubles are back. For one month, starting in November, my OCD made me believe that I'm a pedophile. For one month, I had to endure pure pain and torture. Now, it's all coming back.

Whenever I see a little kid, I start fearing for his or her life. Whenever I see them, I don't get sexual thoughts right away, but I do get a weird feeling in my penis. Don't laugh, seriously. It's not funny. I get a weird feeling in my penis, and after some time I start feeling that attraction. It's only a small attraction, and it goes away whenever I get away from the little kids.

Am I truly becoming a pedophile? I didn't choose this, I didn't want this. I don't want to end up like that guy on Criminal Minds who killed someone because "he couldn't help himself." I try my best to remind myself that these thoughts are wrong. I've even read about how to brainwash myself, in the hopes that I will reform my brain. Currently, I've decided to deprive myself of sleep for 12 days, and constantly abuse myself in order to make myself see the light. That's how far I would go to end this.
 
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k8steroonis

Active member
DON'T abuse yourself or anything like that, as it may fuel the fire. Abusing yourself may make you want to abuse others if you find you can't take it anymore...I'm not trying to scare you at all, just the reality of the cycle of abuse. The only thing that can break that cycle is compassion, the opposite of abuse.

Just stay away from children as much as possible. It is most definitely wrong, because children are precious and we should protect them. Seek help if you can. You can't get in trouble for having these thoughts. But you can get in A LOT of trouble for acting on them. Better to nip it in the bud before it gets worse.

Honestly, I don't understand this issue at all, but I've had a family member struggle with this. I hate it but I try to be compassionate that you're human and strange feelings sometimes surface. Please, just don't hurt anyone. You don't sound like you want this so keep reminding yourself this is not what you want. It's the devil or some negative force in the universe trying to force you down a path you don't need to go down, and probably don't want to anyways.

Also, there might be something in your past you might want to visit. Figure why these feelings are surfacing. Most people who experience this had some sort of sexual abuse in the past.

Best of luck to you. Please believe in yourself that this is not who you are, and not what you want.
 
BlackPuma

BlackPuma

1
I agree with Anomie.

I'm not an expert of any kind, but I've heard these fears on this forum before amongst other members with OCD. You may very well NOT be a pedophile and feel feelings that are caused by something else.

While we'd love to help you explore the issue, I don't think many (or anyone) here are qualified to do so. It would be better to discuss and explore it with a professional.

You haven't harmed anyone in any way, and you're innocent until you do.
 
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Steppen-Wolf

Well-known member
This is a very common form of OCD, I think I've seen like 5 people just on this forum talking about it.

I'd say it's very unlikely that you would ever act upon those toughts. Seeking professional help is usually the best idea, but there is such a massive taboo about this issue in many countries that if your therapist isn't very professional he or she may end up making you feel worse.
 
Xervello

Xervello

Well-known member
If it's to the point where you can't trust yourself to control your urges, go to a mental health professional or the police. If you're doing anything beyond thinking about it, such as following kids or going places to watch them for long periods, that's a red flag. It needs to be addressed. To be honest, I'm more concerned the possible danger you pose to others than the danger you pose to yourself. The latter is for a psychiatrist to deal with. I'm sure you have your reasons for these thoughts. It's good you're telling people here, at least. That's maybe a step in the right direction.
 
Odo

Odo

Banned
I don't think you're a pedophile... I think you have OCD and it's making you think that. Pedophilia is one of those things that will provoke universal disgust and anger in everyone, and that fear means people with OCD will obsess over it.
 
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nicole1

Well-known member
Don't think about the polar bear. My psychology professor told us this one day and no one could stop thinking about it all the while we were listening to her. Ironic processing. I think it can be applied here. You are trying to tell yourself not to have these thoughts yet they keep occurring. It's like your thoughts are fighting each other and will result in a cycle.

I don't know first had if this will help but I have a friend that practices meditation and it helps control his thoughts. He said, "let the thoughts arise and let them be and don't try to fight them but just relax." I'm simply saying look into meditation; it may help.
 
Kiwong

Kiwong

Well-known member
You seem to think that pedophilia is abhorrent, it would be about the worst possible thing you could be, and therefore your mind is obsessing over you're worst fear coming true. So I'd say no, you aren't a pedophile. I think a pedophile is someone who becomes addicted to an attraction to the sexualisation of children and seeks out internet images, or at worst real children to satisfy their needs.

Not sleeping for 12 days, and hurting yourself is something you need to find someone to help with
 
Flanscho

Flanscho

Well-known member
Well, having such thoughts by itself is not a crime. And of course, no pedophile chose to be that way. If you are actually one or if, for some reason, your brain just makes it up, nobody knows but you. If you are not sexually attracted to anything but children anymore, then you should seriously find a therapy. On the one hand, to ensure that you can control that, so that no children get harmed and that you can live better with that. If you are still attracted to women or men or whatever, then you are probably not a pedophile, but just in some weird phase.

Anyway, get a therapy.
 
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yesman

Well-known member
Thanks everyone, for your comments. To those who said to go get therapy, I would, but my parents say that it'll take too long to find a therapist, and the process is too complicated.

But I think I have some hope now: I accidentally fell asleep on the first night of my brainwashing exercise, and I had this dream. In it, one of the main characters was this little boy in kindergarten, I think. Initially, I didn't like him. I thought he was just another bratty kid. Then I got to know him better. He was in the ridiculously hard IB program, and he was very intelligent. Then I decided, instead of hating him, I should be a good role model to this promising child. And I was, for the rest of my dream. I offered him words of advice and encouragement. I looked out for him in times of danger.

When I woke up, I realized something...I LOVE being a positive role model to kids. I LOVE taking care of them. I do not LOVE them as sexual things. I would never enjoy being attracted to them. I finally had the balls to google some pictures of little kids, and surprise, surprise, I felt nothing!

Does this mean that I'm NOT a pedophile?
 
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jaim38

Well-known member
I agree with the other posters that you need to see a therapist. Nicole mentioned ironic processing which I think happens to everyone. We try so hard not to think about something so we tell ourselves we won't think about it but then we realize we are thinking about it! It's ironic, isn't it? I think it helps to distract yourself with something better (and more ethical). For me it helps to find a new obsession (like a manga or some sort of fictional stuff) to replace the old unhealthy obsession.

I am not a professional, but I believe a pure, good-intentioned heart can heal a corrupt mind. Millions of thoughts go through our mind everyday, some of which are pleasant and others not so pleasant. I am of the opinion that we are NOT our thoughts. We are the consciousness behind our thoughts. For example, if you think "I am an elephant", does this suddenly make you an elephant? You are still you, no matter what your thoughts think. The goal is to realize you are NOT your thoughts and to stop identifying with them! A good book to read on this is Ekhart Tolle's Power of Now. In fact, I highly encourage you to start on a spiritual journey. Explore spirituality (both eastern and western), read books on this subject.

The problem may be that you are obsessing over your thoughts so much that you think you are your thoughts. Instead of controlling your mind, your mind is now controlling you. You need to say "enough is enough" and take control of your mind.

You are not alone. I was also struggling with this problem, but after turning to spirituality, I am improving.
 
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Froggy246

Froggy246

Well-known member
yesman said:
Does this mean that I'm NOT a pedophile?
Click to expand...

I think you can rule that one out yes. It's what we do that counts, because most of our thoughts aren't our own anyway. I'll sometimes have thoughts of someones only child dying, or saying the most inappropriate thing at a funeral or something, but I know that's the last thing I would like to see happen, and I suppose that's the nature of intrusive thoughts.
 
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