Going out and feeling retarded

[staticreflex]

I just went out with a few friends to a local bar and I hated it. I feel like I can't talk to them and definately can't talk to anyone else. Communicating to people is not that hard, laughing and making fun of what others are dressed like/acting like/how they dance or talking about my day or week, i'm a smart person and objectively small talk is not a big deal but when faced with it I freak out, I freeze like a "space monkey" and just focus on the fear that i'm feeling and am too afraid of looking like a fool to actually say anything at all and when I do its after a 15 second pause that just adds to the awkwardness. Of course the few times when I get the courage to "let go" it is usually when I'm completely drunk and then I actually do something incredibly stupid that I will regret later and that self-endorses the idea that I shouldn't let go because I'll only make things worse for myself. And then I remind myself that some people couldn't even go out like that and I hate this freaking condition even more because it is so unfair and hurts people (like myself) who never deserved it. I'm a young guy, I'm supposed to be out flirting, having a good time, and living it up and all I can do is feel guilty and depressed because who would want to hang out with someone who can barely even talk to other people and who's closest friends openly ask me if I'm gay at least once a month (not jokingly, being serious) because I'm 25 and not in a relationship. Of course I can muster a glib reply about how great the single life is, but deep down inside hate myself because that is a BS reason, the real one being that I don't know what to do. F****.


EDIT: Not that mind being called gay, it just annoys me that its mostly my gays friends, who have been there for me more than most people, are the first to verbalize that I must be in the closet because I obviously feel uncomfortable around women as if the only reason they are my friend is because they want to nuture this poor, confused soul. Are they only friends with me because they think this? Its not my fault that I'm like this!!!!

 

[fitftw]

I'm 26, single, and turn down women constantly. I think I'm not straight, but not gay either.

Just don't worry about it. It will come to you when it's time.

 

[Sial Axetder]

I'm 26, single, and turn down women constantly. I think I'm not straight, but not gay either.

Just don't worry about it. It will come to you when it's time.

Exactly. If it happens it happens. Better things to do. Like where'd the keys go. Anyone see my keys?

 

[zav943]

I think it's clear that your problem if that you feel beholden to people's expectations/perception of you. I'm single like you and just slightly younger, but I don't judge myself as harshly as you.

When you say: I'm young and *should* be partying and enjoying my time (at bars, presumably), whose opinion is that? Is that yours? Or is it what you think people expect of you? Or is because that's how Hollywood portrays EVERYONE your age - kids having fun at parties and getting laid at the end?

I actually just came back from the museum and I was talking to one of the girls who work there who told me she's going to Africa to teach children there for a full year. She expects to break even by the time she's back, so she's certainly NOT expecting to make money...she's doing that because she wants to..and she was probably 21-25. (I came close to asking her out but guess why I didn't)

So there...a girl who's idea of 'fun' is going to Africa to volunteer to teach kids. She's not out at bars partying and drinking...

I understand your frustration of course...I've been out with friends before when I had a complete social shut down, and people rarely offer to get me out of the stalemate by talking to me or asking me questions. It's frustrating as hell...but that's how life is...when you're put in a situation like you, get out. Do what you feel comfortable doing...don't stay because people around you expect you to. Then come back next week and try it all over again. I think you'll find that some days, you'll not only be able to socialize, but you may also be the center of attention (I can testify to that). And one day, if you keep at it, you're bound to meet someone special. You just really need to keep trying. Don't give up....remind yourself of the last time you made someone laugh...and use that as your motivation

 

[Kiwong]

I only put myself out into situatins that I comfortable with.

I don't go out to bars or parties. I simply don't enjoy it. So if anyone asks I say no thanks.

I spend my times pursuing the things I am passionate about, and these things bring me joy. I don't need to share these with anyone.

I don't even acknowledge boxes like being single anymore. I am me. Thinking about sexuality, relationships is just time wasted from doing the things I love like running and photography.

 

[staticreflex]

I don't even acknowledge boxes like being single anymore. I am me. Thinking about sexuality, relationships is just time wasted from doing the things I love like running and photography.

the problem is that if I'm going to be 100% honest with myself, I know that I want to experience those things, i'm just too afraid or I simply just don't know how to so I make excuses for it to myself and other people until they stop bugging me about it. I know that many others are probably different, but this duality of thought is killing me.

 

[Richey]

the last time i went to a house party i felt like i was sinking in quicksand ...it was really intense and the people seemed mega cool and talkative but on another level, i recall walking into one of the rooms and pretending i was on my mobile phone just to get some air back into my lungs because i felt like i was freaking out from being quiet ..

 

[awkwardamanda]

Yeah, that's about how I felt last night too. Socially retarded. I went out for the first time in a year.:: I went to a friend's birthday at one of those grill and bar type restaurants. I hate bars, but a lounge is bearable I guess. Everyone was just hanging out on the patio, taking up three of the huts around the perimeter. I've known this friend a long time, but I don't know any of her other friends too well. Some of them I've met a few times. They seem like decent people, I just never really got to know them and I'm not exactly part of the group. Because everyone was spread out, the birthday girl had to make her rounds and try to visit everyone. It's not like we were all at one big table. I wandered with her some of the night, but at times I found myself feeling awkward, sitting in silence at a table of people I hardly knew, while she was off talking to other people. Obviously, I didn't have too much to say. Made a few comments here and there, mostly just spoke up if someone asked me a question, but I never talked to anyone for any semi-lengthy period of time. I felt so stupid I didn't even end up ordering anything to eat or drink. Not even a glass of water. When I first sat down the waitress asked if I wanted anything and I said I'm good for now. Some of the people at that table had ordered food before I got there, and about when it came, I wandered off with my friend somewhere. We sat down again later and I thought maybe I'd at least get a diet coke. But I kept quiet anytime the waitress came by. Unless they directly look at me, I'm afraid to get their attention. So I ordered piss all. I cried a little when I got home cause I felt like such a loser. I'm sorta glad I went, just cause it was nice to see my friend again instead of seeming like a bitch for not showing up, but it wasn't exactly a good time.

 

[userremoved]

the last time i went to a house party i felt like i was sinking in quicksand ...it was really intense and the people seemed mega cool and talkative but on another level, i recall walking into one of the rooms and pretending i was on my mobile phone just to get some air back into my lungs because i felt like i was freaking out from being quiet ..

That's the thing that kills me. When everyone else there seems to be having so much fun in a situation that's practically a conflict for me. If others looked like they were having a hard time maybe I wouldn't feel like such a loser but they make it look so simple and they're all so oblivious.

 

[lunaticbinge]

That's the thing that kills me. When everyone else there seems to be having so much fun in a situation that's practically a conflict for me. If others looked like they were having a hard time maybe I wouldn't feel like such a loser but they make it look so simple and they're all so oblivious.

It also sucks attracting all that negative attention to yourself when you aren't saying anything. It sends messages like your looking for sympathy or trying to kill the mood when thats totally not whats going on.
666 posts! Repent now!

 

[SilverFire]

Freakin' yeah. I HATE parties. HATE HATE HATE HATE them. Mostly because it's a bunch of people I don't know/don't care about and then I'm expected to have stuff to say? How do you do that when the stuff you love to talk about places you in total freaksville? I guess if I was at some anime` convention after-party or something I'd be ok. Maybe.

I think there are some conventions/skills that I just need to learn; like how to move on from person to person if you get tired of talking to them. I haven't figured out how to do that without feeling bad for doing it. I've read that there's a way to go from the entrance to the back of the room and look cool; and then there's the "find the food" routine. But I still can't stomach the concept of getting together with people I don't know unless there's some kind of theme/shared experience/shared interest or something -- and that has to be really blatant.

Otherwise, I'm right there in the quicksand, or feeling like there's a thousand hands with chloroform rags aiming right at my mouth!