staticreflex
Well-known member
I just went out with a few friends to a local bar and I hated it. I feel like I can't talk to them and definately can't talk to anyone else. Communicating to people is not that hard, laughing and making fun of what others are dressed like/acting like/how they dance or talking about my day or week, i'm a smart person and objectively small talk is not a big deal but when faced with it I freak out, I freeze like a "space monkey" and just focus on the fear that i'm feeling and am too afraid of looking like a fool to actually say anything at all and when I do its after a 15 second pause that just adds to the awkwardness. Of course the few times when I get the courage to "let go" it is usually when I'm completely drunk and then I actually do something incredibly stupid that I will regret later and that self-endorses the idea that I shouldn't let go because I'll only make things worse for myself. And then I remind myself that some people couldn't even go out like that and I hate this freaking condition even more because it is so unfair and hurts people (like myself) who never deserved it. I'm a young guy, I'm supposed to be out flirting, having a good time, and living it up and all I can do is feel guilty and depressed because who would want to hang out with someone who can barely even talk to other people and who's closest friends openly ask me if I'm gay at least once a month (not jokingly, being serious) because I'm 25 and not in a relationship. Of course I can muster a glib reply about how great the single life is, but deep down inside hate myself because that is a BS reason, the real one being that I don't know what to do. F****.
EDIT: Not that mind being called gay, it just annoys me that its mostly my gays friends, who have been there for me more than most people, are the first to verbalize that I must be in the closet because I obviously feel uncomfortable around women as if the only reason they are my friend is because they want to nuture this poor, confused soul. Are they only friends with me because they think this? Its not my fault that I'm like this!!!!
EDIT: Not that mind being called gay, it just annoys me that its mostly my gays friends, who have been there for me more than most people, are the first to verbalize that I must be in the closet because I obviously feel uncomfortable around women as if the only reason they are my friend is because they want to nuture this poor, confused soul. Are they only friends with me because they think this? Its not my fault that I'm like this!!!!
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