gf just dumped me after 6 years

dpr

Well-known member
she said we need to "take a break" (we all know what that means) because i have a crappy job, am 33 years old, in debt and still live at home with my parents.

i have the crappy job and the debt because of my SP. in the past i had jobs that paid much better but had to quit because of my SP.

i really tried to make this one count. i didn't cheat on her, i didn't lie to her, i tried to become a better person for her and i still ****ed it up.

i am seeing a therapist, going to social functions and my debt is almost paid off. i felt like i was making progress. but she is tired of putting her life on hold while she waits for me to get it together.

next stop black hole, i guess.

what's the point? there is no point.

parents are away, brother is away, house all to myself.

feeling almost happy in that i have finally made a good decision out of so many countless terrible decisions.

i love all of you.
 
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deleted user 1

Guest
I'm sorry to hear this, no words can quantify what you must be feeling. Though I would like to point out that you do not need to be a better person for her, but for you. Don't build yourself on shaky ground, ie., other people! You say your debt is almost paid, that you are being more social... now that's something real. Don't lose hope, you are on the right track. If she doesn't want to see the person you are going to become, then it's her loss, as there WILL be another who will be there by your side. This is not the end for you, and you've lost nothing that cannot be regained ten fold.
 

dpr

Well-known member
thanks for the thoughts, i appreciate it a lot. but i just don't think i can do it anymore. i tried my best this time and it still turned out all ****ed up. the only way i could stand having this ****ty job that i have is that she was there for me, she was supporting me.

now, all of a sudden, it's just me, alone, with a ****ty job and a debt and living at home.

it's all so pathetic.

I'm sorry to hear this, no words can quantify what you must be feeling. Though I would like to point out that you do not need to be a better person for her, but for you. Don't build yourself on shaky ground, ie., other people! You say your debt is almost paid, that you are being more social... now that's something real. Don't lose hope, you are on the right track. If she doesn't want to see the person you are going to become, then it's her loss, as there WILL be another who will be there by your side. This is not the end for you, and you've lost nothing that cannot be regained ten fold.
 
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deleted user 1

Guest
I hear what you are saying. What about taking this opportunity to start fresh? Make a list of things you want to achieve or change and decide what you need to do to achieve them? If you hate your job, what about trying to gain qualification for a different career path? At least explore your options. The point I am trying to get across is that you have a significant influence over your destiny, though it isn't always easy to do.
 

MsBuzzkillington

Well-known member
I know this is such a cliche thing to day, but cliche sayings are true.

It wasn't you, it was her. Absolutely nothing you did was wrong. It was her and her problems. Sometimes people just need to get into a different situation. Sometimes things just don't work out anymore. I don't think she would have been happy with anything you did, she was just unhappy with herself.

The problem with relying on someone else for your happiness is that when they leave, you feel completely lost and broken because you don't know how to take care of yourself. I think now is the perfect opportunity to work on you and make you happy, no one else.

It sucks big time and I am really sorry that you are having to go through this break up. But it's definitely not the end of things, all the doors are not closed. I know it feels horrible right now but eventually it wont' anymore. Don't give up.
 

Rembrandt Broam

Well-known member
thanks for the thoughts, i appreciate it a lot. but i just don't think i can do it anymore. i tried my best this time and it still turned out all ****ed up. the only way i could stand having this ****ty job that i have is that she was there for me, she was supporting me.

now, all of a sudden, it's just me, alone, with a ****ty job and a debt and living at home.

it's all so pathetic.

Try not to take all the responsibility for the relationship breakdown on yourself. Keep in mind that it takes two people to make a relationship work. Even though you tried your best (and I'm sure you did) it can only work if both people are trying, and both people want it to work. Also, your girlfriend said she needed to "take a break" and while that can sometimes be non-confrontational way of permanently breaking up with someone, it can also mean exactly what it says - that she just needs some time to think about your future together.
 
Hey man.. I think you're REALLY being too hard on yourself. Like others said, it's not your fault. You've done all that you could and put in the effort. And you've the anxiety issue as well so in many ways, you're already doing an outstanding job.. just that some of us have it more difficult than others.
 
Sorry to hear about you going through this pain, I know it's hard if your lover lets you down and wants to break up 'cuz of your probs, we all know on SPW it's a hard struggle and maybe u should date a SP person too? Or atleast a person who is patient and more understanding to your SP development. I've been at this point too, my ex broke up because she thought ''She couldn't get anywhere with me'' which means not literally, that I cannot go everywhere, but that I need to get everything together and that i'm too afraid to face my fears. Well.... If someone really knows me , they would know what i'm fighting for and that i'm fighting o so hard to get it all together and fight to get to that point. So what i'm trying to tell ya, is.... that U should fight. Never give up, and think about what you wanna reach. Ur 33 right? What about a life change? Finding new places, new joy, new inspiring thoughts which could help u out there.... You know that is really helpful, even though you might feel so anxious, it's hard to be strict to yourself and just tell yaself ''go face it'' but that's the way to get out.
And crappy job rite.... Why not search for another job, if you find a job which is exciting and fun it will def help you feel better :D, It's only a step that has to be taken, but in fact, beating SP is all about taking steps. Small steps, Big steps, but of course it's all about decisions. About you taking distance from your girl and the other way around, it hurts, still try to hold on mate, and try to do something to get your life back on track and maybe u should seek professional help to approach situations better without feeling so anxious around ppl?

Oh and you live in Canada don't you? I've heard you can do so many things out there, like skiiing, snowboarding, beautiful places and nice firework shows, maybe u should do something like that :)

Hey take Care
 
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Hastings & Main

Well-known member
And once the pain heals (it does go away, a bit every day, like a bad cold that never seems to end), you can start redirecting the energy you put into HER by putting it into yourself.
Take the free time you now have to better your life & lifestyle, eg. take night-classes for a better job/career and work on yourself physically and mentally.
And no, it's not your fault. How special was she if she couldn't stick by you?
 
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deleted user 1

Guest
And once the pain heals (it does go away, a bit every day, like a bad cold that never seems to end), you can start redirecting the energy you put into HER by putting it into yourself.
Take the free time you now have to better your life & lifestyle, eg. take night-classes for a better job/career and work on yourself physically and mentally.
And no, it's not your fault. How special was she if she couldn't stick by you?

Bang on the money.
 

lovely222

Member
im really really sorry to hear that =(

The sad thing is i bet all of us on here have lost partners and friends because of sp.
and although it doesnt seem like it now it maybe the best thing to be thrown out of the 'COMFORT ZONE'
amazingly when i lost my partner due to sp.. I actually found in time i appreciated the space. The pressure was off it's amazing how much more weight is on your shoulders when your searching for a 'CURE' for another person.
 
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deleted user 1

Guest
im really really sorry to hear that =(

The sad thing is i bet all of us on here have lost partners and friends because of sp.
and although it doesnt seem like it now it maybe the best thing to be thrown out of the 'COMFORT ZONE'
amazingly when i lost my partner due to sp.. I actually found in time i appreciated the space. The pressure was off it's amazing how much more weight is on your shoulders when your searching for a 'CURE' for another person.

I broke up with my ex, for numerous reasons. One of which being that I was becoming absorbed into their life and personality. I was not enough outside of myself to be a coherent individual personality. I also found that I wasn't having enough space and time to really deal with my issues, thus I was not the boyfriend or person that I wanted to be. Breaking up with her was one of the best decisions I have made in the last eleven years.
 

lovely222

Member
I broke up with my ex, for numerous reasons. One of which being that I was becoming absorbed into their life and personality. I was not enough outside of myself to be a coherent individual personality. I also found that I wasn't having enough space and time to really deal with my issues, thus I was not the boyfriend or person that I wanted to be. Breaking up with her was one of the best decisions I have made in the last eleven years.

I agree, and to be honest with hind sight alot of my anxiety and panic attacks were centred around my partner
 

Bustn Justin

Well-known member
Hey man, don't beat yourself up over her wanting 'time off'. You are making alot of progress with your SP and finances. Also realize that SHE has issues on her side of the fence that SHE needs to deal with. If she thinks by dealing with them is to leave you alone then there is nothing you can do to make her change your mind.
 

dpr

Well-known member
To everyone who wrote me the kind, inspiring words... thank you.

I had written a negative, toxic, messed up reply in this thread that I have deleted because I no longer feel that way. I will no longer let myself feel that way.

I have taken this opportunity to start on a new career path and I am excited and hope it turns out. I am still hurt, lonely, confused, and all that. But I have learned a hard lesson about why I should be happy with myself instead of depending on others for my happiness.

Lately I've been finding happiness in making music (I wish I could just play guitar 24 hours a day to be honest cuz it really helps), doing yoga, hanging out with my friends (I don't have many but I have a few) and basically doing anything that takes my mind off of her.

TheAristocrat, you're right. It is wrong to build yourself on shaky ground, i.e. other people. I was too absorbed in her life, and it prevented me from knowing who I am. I think I've been afraid of knowing the real me for a long time, which is why I chose to lose myself in her. I can't believe that YOU broke it off with HER. That is some amazing self-awareness that you recognized this and dealt with it. I only wish I was as self-aware as you are.

MsBuzzkillington, bang on. She does have her own problems and it is kind of about her.

Rembrandt Broam, you have a point. It takes two people to make a relationship work, so this wasn't all my fault.

Dronee, for sure. I was definitely being too hard on myself.

Saskia, ya the funny thing is she did have SP and still suffers from depression. But she has been seeing a therapist and her SP got better and she is just pissed that I haven't "gotten it all together" like she has. And ya, I'm in Canada. I don't ski or skate which is pretty embarrassing, being a Canadian. I'm getting pretty good at yoga though!

Hastings & Main, hey fellow canuck. I have taken your words to heart and have been putting the energy I used to put into her into myself and ya... it feels good.

Lovely222, I think it was a blessing in disguise to be thrown out of my comfort zone. And you're right, it was a lot of pressure. I was always worried about not being good enough for her. I was always playing catch up to her life, since mine wasn't "together." It's great not to feel that anymore.

Bustn Justin, what you said is very true. She does have her own issues that contributed to this breakup. And I can't change her mind, as much as I may want to.

Sorry for this novel. To sum it all up, she is an amazing person. She taught me a lot of things that have helped me in my life. And ironically, her dumping me has taught me the most important lesson so far: You can't be truly happy if you build your whole life around someone else.

Thank you all so much. You have helped me more than you know.
 

WeirdyMcGee

Well-known member
After reading this thread, I could relate to you so much and I hope to someday have the same mindset as you do.
I want to continue my life as well - improve myself and love myself - see my 8 year relationship as a learning experience rather than a waste of time and a broken heart.

You are an inspiration for me.
Please keep on helping yourself, keep on growing and keep on living!
 
i bet you're feeling alot better now, as time heals all wounds doesn't it....i also want to agree with what others are saying about the don't rely on others for happiness or strength, and i want to extend that even further to include careers aswell.

You should never convince yourself that having a 'top job' will mean your on the path to success or believe that its a huge self improvement in any way...because just like relationships, these can come and go.

i've been in that boat, and had the good paying jobs, and ive also gone on to loose them aswell. You see unfortuently, love it or hate it, we social phobes are more likely to loose our jobs because of this..its just a fact. You can't go on saying 'my life's gunna be so much better when i land that dream job'...don't let having a good job be what props up your self esteem...because what happens when its gone? you loose your self worth along with it. Don't put too much weight on having a good job, aswell as relationships....

being social phobes we just gotta learn to roll with the punches so to speak and somtimes just be contempt with the crappy jobs, knowing that its always gunna be hard to keep the btter ones...just likes its always gunna be hard for us to maintain long term relationships....its fine to be happy and feel lucky when we do actually find the good jobs or long lasting relationships..but just don't depend on them for your inner wellbeing or use them as a guage of how improved your social phobia is going.
 

Section_31

Well-known member
This hurts, bad.

I had the same thing happen to me so many times in the past. The only thing i can say that hasnt been said already, if you need to have a setback, to make an even larger comeback. Thats another cliche, and to many, if not most, it doesnt feel true. But i fel its still relevant.

Dont give up!
 

sucettes

Well-known member
You're a strong person, dpr. Truly an inspiration.
I'm glad you're feeling better! And stay strong x
 

maiato

Banned
Lilke normally say, words go with the wind. But cant just pass away with this post without saying nothing at all. At least I want to say. I'm here. Lots of people are here. And we dont go anyway. Life sucks. Life sucks more to ppl with SP. However, things can go worst if u just give up now. Put all the progress in to the dump. Like I heard once, from lady gaga tattoo (not the best example i admitt)....NEVER A DEFEAT, ALWAYS A LESSON.

Try to get the best of it. Is tough to give up from a relation of so long. But ask for yourself what will i win from this if i just give up? Loose my job? Get another worst? Give reason to my ex-gf! Make a effort, try to change...try even harder!! Who knows, what tomorow brings u!

PS: I FUKING KNOW WHAT'S A DEBT...still know!! but like u i'm almost at the end...i believe u will start feeling better! Money dont buy everything...but sure helps!
 
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