Flying Feathers! Or, Trying to Change the World! - Journal/Rant thread

[vj288]

Silly stories are way easier to concoct then any other kind I think. I made a silly campfire story once, lasted five nights and still had room for more. They are really fun, I wouldn't doubt for a second that you were laughing by page 6. (you should post some of it later )

 

[Feathers]

I'm on page 11 now (and people keep interrupting lol, telling me I can go to the laptop lol..) I feel I almost want to spend more time with the story

It's windy out there, a dark almost-November night lol, noises creaking.. I think I'm scaring myself, lol!!

Sis told me I could have chocolate pudding if I do the dishes - talk about motivation, lol!

Did you write the campfire story, or was it just told around the campfire, on camping trips or such?

It's when I started taking my stories/novels seriously, and wanted to make'em 'good' that I got into trouble lol..

We'll see about posting it, don't promise anything..

 

[vj288]

Well I created the story wholly on my own, but I never wrote any of it down. It was just one week of summer camp with my troop, couple of years ago.

Yeah starting to try to make stuff "good" is when I run into trouble to. I tried to write a more serious story once, that did not go well. Anything longer than a poem and I run into trouble. (and that's not exactly easy).

And come on, you know you want to post it.

 

[Feathers]

YAY the computer is okay after all!!

We just had to take it to the repair center and they looked at it and it was okay?? How odd.. (It got shaken on the way, so maybe that helped-??)

We were told to back up everything anyway.. Though I still haven't figured out the smartest way to do it, on a frequent basis..

I feel kinda stupid for all the paranoia about it, sigh..
The 'computer detox' was pretty helpful though.. (I hope)
(and somewhat productive: got to page 19, lol! And started practising guitar again, a bit.. and cleaned my room /sigh/ lol..)

I'm still a bit clueless about what to do re: eco things..

 

[Feathers]

I woke up with a clear head (gluten-free and milk-free yesterday and today) and had all these big plans for today - WOW, I can actually think clearly, what can I do?

Then at lunch, I get way too distracted with some seemingly irrelevant things.. like talk of remodelling and stuff to do (which actually causees me some anxiety), and try to change the subject - but then dad starts yelling at sis (bad change of subject, yikes!) and I just try to find something neutral to talk about, we eat a bit in silence, the spoons click soo loudly, grr!! I try to find something to talk about, so I don't have to listen to the noise.. I close my ears for a bit.. (why do people eat spaghetti if they need to 'cut 'em up? grr!)

Talked to mom after that a bit, about eco things etc. She gave me some ideas and some pointers.. then had to go clean (for dad to proceed with the remodelling later, he wanted to paint the room/s today ugh) and then dad distracted us with completely irrelevant stuff.. I mean, I hate it - he seems to have adult ADD.. He needs to be busy busy busy all the time.. and when I said he could do the dishes he flew off the handle.. grr!!

I feel like I'd need to have 'lesson plans' or 'schedules' for each of the family members, for every day, all hours - what they will do, where they will be.. otherwise it just gets so effing annoying.. with all the unpredictable last-minute 'let's do it' plans..

And then I get annoyed and give up on things that I really wanted to do in the first place, grr!!
It just doesn't seem logical.. I think I'm really neurotic or something.. Though I was way better when living on my own or with roomate/flatmates..

I'd need some decisions to make... I really don't want to though.. And not sure if I can, by my own?

I know why I eat wheat and milk/cocoa now.. to calm me down a bit.. I can't really think then but sometimes it's easier to be 'foggy' and feel a bit 'high' than to have it all so crystal clear.. aargh!! not sure whether to just have a cocoa or stick to it gluten-free/milk-free??

Though people report feeling calmer and less easily aggravated on gluten-free.. Maybe it's the 'detox period' though? Must look at celiac forums, hmm... (?)

 

[Feathers]

Okay, it seems I really have a love-n-hate relationship with modern technology? I was cranky (gluten detox?) and managed to trip over a wire, knocked out the computer - yikes!! At least everything else is working now (again) it seems - except the left button of the mouse!! Have gotten creative opening programs with right button only - it's a bit annoying though!! (Researching electric mice.. It's an old one and we've had new ones inbetween, it was still working though, you know?)
I don't feel very eco either!!

Resorted back to some bread as had to get out of kitchen quickly.. vacuuming etc loud stuff going on there!!
Meanwhile, managed to do some eco work, dad hurried to shop and bought a new plastic gizmo, mom ventured to kitchen and told him how to make the wires disappear without need for new gizmo!!
How is this zero waste, to just go on and buy something you won't even need then-?? ugh!!

I'm too old to live with my parents!! grr!!

 

[Alistair]

Feathers,

Yikes! That really stinks, and I hope all of your issues related to your computer don't show up later down the road (But less than likely, usually it happens right away) but related to Hard Drive. I'm glad it was just the mouse! =D

When I read your opening today, for this thread. Ya know, you got me thinking for a few minutes there. Your right, your surroundings can really compound SA. I think this was my major issue when I was younger, and at home. Granted, I still have it, grown older and wiser, but it's still there. But that's when I really did get outta of that rut, when I moved away. Thanks for making me realize that, oddly as it was out of nowhere. Hehe.

 

[Feathers]

Hey Alistair!

Glad I made you realize something important!

Dad totally collapsed both mom's and my plans today.. So mum is somewhat furious too (and relieved the computer is okay, we just need a new mouse..) But he does that a lot of the time.. If he doesn't have any other independent plans..
I even wonder if SA can exist independently or is brought on by other factors and 'stronger' personalities (and bad parenting methods and such...)?

Mum and I discussed me having an independent flat upstairs.. It's really frustrating cause the attic is kinda big, but so stupidly made.. 2 rooms (one to sleep in and computer room, I'd prefer not to sleep next to a computer or with kitchen smells, and kitchen+computer don't go together too well either, kitchen+floor carpeting don't seem a good idea either), one big useless hall (what were they thinking?? I thought to maybe put kitchen stuff there, but airing would be a problem) and 'attic' space filled with uhm, junk, pretty much.. (or old usable things..) So the trouble is airing a kitchen.. There is space enough for appliances, though I'd probably need to carry the dishes elsewhere to be washed.. (wouldn't mind that though my bathroom is a bit of a health risk right now.. grr..)

I don't know if Dad would really respect the boundaries, especially as some stuff is 'of the house' (like freezer, the 'attic' part...) Many neighbours have 'the young ones' (eg married son with family) living totally independently upstairs, but they did some remodelling first..

And I really hate the thought of any further remodelling..

Maybe I need to find a home design forum?? hmm!!

 

[Alistair]

Feathers,

Hmm. Yes, that looks like something good to look up on, or try to tackle and you got my curiosity motivated for that as well to see what is up with that. As with my ordeal when I was younger, I moved around a lot, plus my mom was Bi Polar which didn't help matters at all and I'm sure living situations can compound what is already there. Just how much,is what I'm wondering about and how it effects you?

How many are your family? Excuse my ignorance if you mentioned it in this thread already, I have a horrible short term memory. But maybe it would be better for you to move upstairs, and you can have your own "Plot" of land. There is minor things you can do to make it less smelly, and live able but going have to research it. Plus, how handy is your dad along with tools?

I guess I'm likely in that regard, for I already own my own place and tools. So if something needs to be done, I can just do it. Now, buying supplies for it is another task at hand. Hahaha.

 

[Feathers]

Thanks!

People online have wondered if my dad was bipolar (when I wrote of his antics) I honestly don't know.. Maybe he's just of the 'older generation' that needed to be 'in movement' all the time.. And needed to be 'busy busy busy' (so of course no wonder me and sis can be the total opposite..)

I wondered if he had ADD at times.. He could change moods and become violent quickly when we were kids, but nothing 'out of the ordinary', people still smack kids where I live.. (?)
Maybe I was just an impressionable kid who suffered the 'injustice of it all'.. (and he and mom usually got into a quarrel about upbringing of kids in such cases)
Grandma thinks it might be beginnings of Alzheimer's or such... (?) and that it would only get worse??

I already do live upstairs, we have a shared kitchen downstairs and partly bathroom and other amenities (I don't have a shower/bath/washing machine) and the heating is shared.

There is no clear boundaries between 'upstairs' and 'downstairs' though (no doors I could lock - I mean, there is a door but parents have freezer and stuff and access to the roof in the attic.) There's also the bad habit of yelling across the stairs, not very handy if you interview someone or try to get info or do business on the phone-??

So basically I'd need a cooker/stove and maybe washing machine.. maybe fridge.. (not sure where to put it either, since it can be noisy)
Mom says maybe a 'vent' for above the stove could be made through the roof (?)

Dad is handy enough with tools, and we also have neighbours who are even more handy..
I have sensitivity to noise though.. that's a problem.. and we already had quite some remodelling done elsewhere on the house this year..

I also try to be as eco-friendly or 'zero waste' as possible.. So it's really stressful to research the materials and paints etc that would be most eco-friendly, when you don't know so much about it!!

In a few years, the roof would likely be changed too.. we talked of maybe 'uplifting' the attic (to make it 'higher' not sure if I want that much remodelling though.. all the noise and dust and waste materials etc)

You're lucky you have your own place and do what you like to do!!

I came back home after Uni specifically because Dad lamented he wished at least one of us to come home.. (and okay I had a not-so-great roommate with a loud fridge, but I could've just found another room or gone to live elsewhere..) Now both sis and I are home and we're all kinda miserable about it!!
She has even worse SA than I do.. (scared of phones etc too) I'm just scared of specific situations.. And I'm not sure if I'd dare to live completely on my own either.. maybe with cool roomate/flatmates..
oh gosh this sounds so horrible.. however, because we both seem to be a bit 'messed up' the parents somehow decided it was 'not their fault' (lol) They can be unpredictable like that..

They are very miserable about having kids with no real jobs and no grandkids yet and such.. (I admit it was partly as 'revenge' and other interests at times, mostly due to just not feeling up to any of it, and the anxiety etc.. and cause just didn't want to pass on bad genes!! ugh Explain that to someone who'd be okay with cloning himself cause he 'looks so good'? Yes, I did research 'narcissism' a bit too.. We all might have a bit of it, like ADD, but what can it help you knowing this in real life?) I tried starting a biz/non-profit, it's not so easy though.. especially if there's unpredictable remodelling or other loud noises going on in the house at the time!!

It's just frustrating, not knowing what to do...

 

[Feathers]

Really getting inspired with some of the home decorating websites lol..

Not sure if any of it is doable here (or somewhere else) lots of possibilities though!! lol!!

Fact is I should be doing something else tho... sigh!!

 

[Acegame]

Hey Feathers. It seems that your family (especially your dad) has a negative influence on your mental state. I strongly advise you to start searching for your own place. Maybe its not ideal regarding the rent or livingspace but at least it saves you allot of stress and worries. This might even have a good effect on your social anxiety. Sometimes you need to think about yourself.

Before i moved out to live on my own, it was horrible to be around my mom. I felt so uncomfortable every day. Eventhough i felt this way, at that time i was more scared of moving out. But as soon as i moved to my own place i felt free! I loved being bussy furnishing the place and i had no parents who vented their problems on me everyday. I could do whatever i wanted. Being independent is a very nice feeling. Even my relationship with my mom got allot better. Since i wasnt around all the time she started to realise how much she actually missed me and was so glad when i came home to visit

What i'm trying to say is that eventhough it might scare you to move out at first, and it has some cons regarding costing etc., the pro's are huge compared to the cons. If you had a good relationship with your parents i would have said its no problem to live under the same roof, but it seems to be draining allot of energy out of you.

I think i know where you are. Your head is full of thoughts and doubts about every little detail which makes it hard to see things clearly. When i read all the stuff that is going on in your mind i get dizzy myself Talk to some friends (not your family) who can oversee your situation and ask them what they think. But sometimes its a good thing to take a step instead of drowning into your own thoughts and doubts.

I know this all is easier said than done but your situation sounds suffocating. I really hope things will clear up for you

 

[Kiwong]

Your genes are good genes, Feathers. Nothing wrong with another generation of sensitive, thoughtful people who want to save the world. And the world does need saving.

 

[Feathers]

Aww guys, you make me cry!

(Yes, I ate gluten again too..)

Thank you soo much!!

Sorry if I made you feel dizzy with my thoughts lol, that is only a minor fraction of the thoughts in my head!! (Or things to do, options and possibilities.. I feel like a mind map sometimes..)

Most of my friends are happily married/partnered up and living elsewhere, or at least living independently on their own or travelling the world/living internationally.. One had asked me to be her roommate but the rent was too high and the flat in a too noisy area... Some have worked and saved money for the flat together with their partners, some live together with husband's parents, but in separate household.. very many different lifestyles..

It's not just anxiety to live on my own.. I've also been warned by older eco activists that well, some of them got bad phone calls or such, someone was waited upon and non-eco-people beat him up etc.
Even if my parents are mean sometimes (and I to them, unfortunately, sometimes) at least I feel physically safe.. (They would be mean to anyone trying to mess with me too.. )

I know that they really love me and they want to see me happy.. It's just difficult sometimes..

 

[Acegame]

I'm sorry. You probably think im the wise guy trying to tell you what is good for you You allready lived on your own so you can make the best comparison yourself and not me.

And about the thoughts and options, i have it too. It is so exhausting.......There are just to much options in this world.

 

[Feathers]

Hey Ace, it's still very good to read your thoughts and advice...

I've lived on my own before, but only briefly, otherwise mostly in the dorm, with roommates and flatmates, this was hugely easier..
I really felt better when living on my own too, I know it would be the right thing to do, psychologically etc.

Financially I'd need a job if I wanted to live on my own.. Not everyone aces every interview though
And not sure what kind of job would allow me freedom to create and do eco projects too?
I sometimes became too hyperfocused on the jobs, some were not a best fit for my personality and SA either..

I didn't trust myself to cook okay for myself either.. sometimes would just eat very boring basic stuff that is not so healthy.. hope I'd do the right thing though.. Last time I lived on my own was quite okay, though very brief due to circumstances..
As students we could eat out for cheap.. or cook together.. I miss student days..

 

[Acegame]

Pfew i'm glad. Sometimes i feel a little stupid giving other people advice and barely being able to help my self

I didn't know money was an issue. That makes it a bit harder since you are so passionate about your eco-work (which i think is very cool!). Probably this is a stupid question and you have allready looked into it, but are there any eco jobs that interest you? That would be the perfect combination for you.

Or maybe a partime job is something for you so you can combine it with eco work. You pointed out that you tend to hyperfocus on your job, so maybe its an idea to search for a job where you dont have to think to much. Like waitressing, receptionist, etc. Maybe you are overqualified for that but it might be allot of fun, and mentally it wont tire you as much. I don't know if you are to anxious for this though, but i got the impression your anxiety is not that severe.

Last 2 months i have been searching for the perfect job, but came to the realisation that im not gonna find that the first try. If i keep searching i might still be sitting at home in 10 years. So i chose to just start somewhere, and focus on the experience and saving money (for future opportunities). If i dont like it, ill search for something different.

My point is that i believe that one thing will lead to another and eventually you will find your dreamjob. But we shouldn't expect to find it right away. Also keeping ourselfs bussy keeps us from thinking to much about the negative. And i am sure that someday (when you get more experienced in the eco field) an opportunity will come up. Or you find something different where you are passionate about that also pays the bills.

And yea, cooking is a very big con of living at your own

 

[Darryl]

Or, why is Feathers even here? (Some of you have questioned that.)

Because, we need you here and you know stuff!

 

[Feathers]

Aww, Darryl, thanks!

Acegame, thanks too! I really appreciate it!!

Sometimes all that is needed is another perspective and feeling listened to and understood (and appreciated despite all the antics).. It's often easier to help others than really deal with things oneself.. At least for me and people seem to appreciate my words many times..

Eco jobs in that particular area don't really exist in my country (yet). The idea is to help start them too.. I'm also not sure if I have enough knowledge to do it professionally (the pressure/expectations might be too great).. And I don't really have the right education, sort of..

It would be easier to help start a small non-profit.. I'd need others to help with the grants etc though (and SA kinda interferes here), and still would not necessarily get some of them, so.. hm? A bit afraid to start biz/non-profit 'for real' too, you know?

I've thought of part-time or 'something easy' too, thing is we live in the middle of nowhere, sort of.. rural scenic pretty countryside.. People drive across half the country to work, though I'm not a fan of driving and don't have a car.. (could get our old one, parents would be glad to get a new one and give this one to one of us, it's not so reliable, eco or cheap to have one though) I prefer public transport (okay mid-week, not so great on weekends) or sharing rides..

Waitressing is probably a no go (too scattered for that, a bit too old to learn too, family was against it when I had the idea years ago..) I actually applied for a receptionist job before.. they hired people who already worked for them part-time as students.. Might try elsewhere though the timing is probably a bit off.. (and again, tourism jobs involve weekends and odd hours sometimes, so possibly a transport problem)

The hyperacusis (noise sensitivity) is a bit of a problem too, couldn't work in a too-loud setting, near renovations or building sites, or even running water or too loud telephones (depends on the sound) or jangling keys can sometimes be annoying..

Also a bit of OCD/fear of infecting people.. (Though this has gotten better lately...) I know I can't infect others with celiac or such, what if it's something else though? Waiting line to see the specialist doc isn't so short, seems to be 4-6-9 months.. (Though people have opportunities to get infected everywhere else I guess.. In supermarkets etc. Or the pool/restaurant/hotel/marketplace/park.. )

I've worked in tourism before and it was kinda fun, I only stressed out cause I didn't really know everything I was supposed to know there..
And well, you can hyperfocus on a job like that too, lol..

I really like your attitude to job-searching though!!
You are right, to focus on experience and saving money is much better!!
I got plenty of experience in all my jobs, helpful with the eco projects too..

Last 2 months i have been searching for the perfect job, but came to the realisation that im not gonna find that the first try. If i keep searching i might still be sitting at home in 10 years. So i chose to just start somewhere, and focus on the experience and saving money (for future opportunities). If i dont like it, ill search for something different.

My point is that i believe that one thing will lead to another and eventually you will find your dreamjob. But we shouldn't expect to find it right away. Also keeping ourselfs bussy keeps us from thinking to much about the negative. And i am sure that someday (when you get more experienced in the eco field) an opportunity will come up. Or you find something different where you are passionate about that also pays the bills.

And yea, cooking is a very big con of living at your own

Ideally I'd have enough money to eat out at least some of the time Actually cooking for myself was not half so stressful as is cooking for family (they are more demanding.. )

 

[Feathers]

EscapeArtist inspired me:

I called two of the people I was supposed to call (for a month or so..) - YAY!! The first were nice, kinda busy with other things so they might not have time to prepare anything for the Waste Reduction Week.. They would be willing to help out with some things nevertheless, later on possibly.. So at least we're in contact now..

One person called back and we're supposed to meet up for weekend - very scared about it though! I probably called too late, not sure if we'll get anything done for this time.. It would still be good to meet up and see if there are any options for co-operation and any projects together and such.. (I'm afraid nothing would come out of it, at least I'm being proactive about it, meeting up with people? Even if it's negative, at least I know I need to get other people to help then? Gosh, I'm such a sissy! lol!)

I don't want to burden anyone with anything.. or waste their time or something.. it's a blimmin half hour though.. not that much.. I'd have to be diplomatic though.. (and that's not my forte.. hmm?)