Fitting in (as a child/teenager vs. as an adult)

[WeirdyMcGee]

I'm sure most of us are here on SPW because we didn't 'fit in' at some point, so let's talk about that a bit.

How old are you?

Did you 'fit in' with people at school? Why do you think you did/didn't?

If you have finished school, have you found it easier or harder or the same to 'fit in' with people at work? Why do you think you do/don't?

Has not fitting in been a main trigger for your social anxiety?

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

I am 24, now.
In school, I had a hard time fitting in because of elements of my life that were beyond my control.
Being Metis, I wasn't accepted by the other aboriginal kids for 'being too white' mainly-- and not accepted by the rest of the kids for being 'poor'.

After I finished school, I mostly worked with middle-aged women whom I found very easy to talk to and be around. They seemed to see me as 'the baby' of the group and treated me like a family member. Even if they'd have known where I was born to who I was born to-- I don't think I would have been judged the same way I was, going to school in a small town.

I consider not fitting in to be one of many elements to my anxiety.
Just one thing attributing to my lack of faith in humanity.

 

[lilmutegirl]

I'm sure most of us are here on SPW because we didn't 'fit in' at some point, so let's talk about that a bit.

How old are you?

Did you 'fit in' with people at school? Why do you think you did/didn't?

If you have finished school, have you found it easier or harder or the same to 'fit in' with people at work? Why do you think you do/don't?

Has not fitting in been a main trigger for your social anxiety?

I'm 30.

I was a "floater" (kind of like a cameleon). I bounced from group to group, and while outsiders may not have considered me to be an awkward fit with any particular group, I never felt like I was as close as all the other people were.

I fit in very well with the people at work. We're all females, and, until recently, all 20s-early 30s (now we have some teenagers). Most of us have the same sense of humor and are totally random and weird. That is one reason I'm worried about trying to get another job--I'm afraid they'll all have relationships established (like we do at my work) and I won't be able to break that barrier.

I would say not fitting in has been one of the main triggers for my anxiety. I often wonder why I'm even in certain groups, since I feel so out of place. ::

 

[Nightmare Kitten]

I am 24 too!

When I was in school, I never fit in. I was the ugly kid and I was brought up in what I think is a horrible cult like religion called Jehovah's Witnesses, so I was an outcast because I wasn't allowed to be in school plays, be part of holidays or do any after school programs since I wasn't allowed to be around non- JW's. Even teachers treated me like an outcast and I was ignored a lot in school. (Thankfully I got out of that religion when I moved out)


Now at 24, I still can't fit in. I look a lot younger than I really am, people always mistaking me for a 12-15 year old. So I am never taken seriously. Also a lot of adults think I am strange because I don't like going to bars and drinking, I am not into the latest reality tv shows or into a lot of mainstream music.


It's not the main trigger but it doesn't help.

 

[coyote]

i'm 47

when i was young, not fitting in was the bane of my existence

but as i've gotten older, it has become less and less important

now days, i really care very little about whether or not i "fit in"

in school or previous jobs as a young adult i was constantly striving to fit in

but now (at work at least), i strive to set the tone, to set the standard, and hope to get others to follow it

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

Now at 24, I still can't fit in. I look a lot younger than I really am, people always mistaking me for a 12-15 year old. So I am never taken seriously. Also a lot of adults think I am strange because I don't like going to bars and drinking, I am not into the latest reality tv shows or into a lot of mainstream music.

..are we the same person?
haha

 

[Phoenixx]

I'm 19 and not fitting in has pretty much been my whole teenage life. I was never the pretty girl in school, I was never the popular one either. I was just the quiet, weird, short, ugly, smart girl that everyone went to if they wanted "help" on homework or something. Sure, I had friends, but not very many stuck around long, since I was really good at choosing crappy people to become friends with. But even through all that, we still had one thing in common: We were the odd ones out in our class. Of course that didn't stop anyone from teasing me though and reminding me of how different I was compared to everyone else. As for triggering my SA, not fitting in wasn't the main trigger as it was the insults and teasing that came with it.

Even after finishing school it's hard to fit in anywhere. Community college isn't so bad with trying to fit in, since there are plenty of people that go there that are completely alone, it's not constantly clique-y. My last university though, that was bad. The girls were petty and would team up and insult other girls, for completely ridiculous reasons. Sometimes there wasn't even a reason, they were just being stupid. Wherever there was a group of girls, there was always a guy or two to join them. Thankfully though, most of the guys hung out with each other and pretty much ignored everyone else rather than trying to start drama.

I look a lot younger than I really am, people always mistaking me for a 12-15 year old. So I am never taken seriously.

^ Same here! I'm always mistaken to be either 14 - 16, not 19 and I often get surprised looks when they find out my age. I'm never taken seriously by anybody, it seems.

 

[O'Killian]

23, 24 in July.

I've noted the aptness of lilmutegirl's use of 'floater' for my situation before. High school was pretty much a breeze for me - a dull breeze, for the most part, but I rarely lacked for companionship in school. And there were quite a few folk I actually liked. For whatever reason, I was a big dumb idiot who didn't see what he had and didn't try to get any closer despite the fact I really did fit in with some of them. It's worth noting that, in high school, I don't think I really had anything you could really call social phobia. I just didn't go out much because I was satisfied with school interactions and there were logistical concerns (read: lack of car / lived in the sticks). I wasn't exactly a social butterfly or anything, but it wasn't the uncomfortable awkwardness a lot of folks seem to have.

College, however, was a whole 'nother thing. I didn't develop friends at all because nobody reached out to me (and I was either wholly or willfully ignorant that I might need some). That spiraled into a sort-of-breakdown that hinged on my lack of assertiveness, which in turn lead to dropping out and then willfully ignoring everything, evidently. Here I'd say it was less concern about fitting in and more not even realizing fitting was a thing. I'm curious as to what might have happened had I tried - I'm a homebody by nature, a teetotal and willfully abstinent, which seem like negative check marks for most folk, but eh.

I've never worked, so while I answered as an adult, I have nothing to say about my (lack of) experiences, heh.

At the end of the day I never really gave a damn about fitting in because I either did by default or people were still perfectly able to mutually enjoy my company. I'm not sure if this still holds true or if it was just a quirk of small-town high school, but I'm sure I'll find out soon enough.

 

[9407]

How old are you?
I turn 19 in July

Did you 'fit in' with people at school? Why do you think you did/didn't?

Not really. I had a few school friends but I was never popular and I never really got good grades either due to undiagnosed ADD.

If you have finished school, have you found it easier or harder or the same to 'fit in' with people at work? Why do you think you do/don't?

I volunteered at the salvation Army for community service hours to finish high school and I didn't fit in with the people there at all. Most of the workers there are middle aged women and they were either rude or treated me like I was a little kid

Has not fitting in been a main trigger for your social anxiety?

Yes. I was made fun of a lot for various things when I was young so I kind of gave up trying to fit in.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

I am 20 years old.

When I was younger, say 2nd or 3rd grade, it was a lot easier to fit in. I could talk to anyone and it seemed as if people enjoyed being around me. However, when 4th grade hit, my introvertedness and SA hit its apex and I couldn't be around anyone, although apparently I still fitted in due to my classmates voting me to become a peer mediator for the school. As I got older, the distance between me and people began to grow and I became a "floater". I could fit into any group, jocks, "nerds", drug-dealers, and no one would question why I was there. More exactly, they wouldn't care because I was too invisible to others::! But, now, at my age and being in college, it feels as if I can't relate to anyone on campus. It's to the point where I almost literally have no friends on campus. I always stay in my dorm and never leave unless it's for work, food, or shopping purposes. I joined an anime club my Freshman year, but I didn't fit in even there. Now, I just stopped bothering with it.

Not fitting in doesn't bother me. It's lonely, but that really only affects my depression. It's when people insult me or I feel as if I'm mistreated or looked down upon in some way by my peers that sends my SA skyrocketing.

 

[Nightmare Kitten]

..are we the same person?
haha

Maybe we are long lost twins! haha

^ Same here! I'm always mistaken to be either 14 - 16, not 19 and I often get surprised looks when they find out my age. I'm never taken seriously by anybody, it seems.

Glad I am not alone! It sucks being at work when I have kids and adults coming up to me and asking how old I am. I had this one lady just stare at me for a while in disbelief when I told her my real age. It was creepy...I really hate it when people stare at me.

 

[9407]

I am 20 years old.

When I was younger, say 2nd or 3rd grade, it was a lot easier to fit in. I could talk to anyone and it seemed as if people enjoyed being around me. However, when 4th grade hit, my introvertedness and SA hit its apex and I couldn't be around anyone, although apparently I still fitted in due to my classmates voting me to become a peer mediator for the school. As I got older, the distance between me and people began to grow and I became a "floater". I could fit into any group, jocks, "nerds", drug-dealers, and no one would question why I was there. More exactly, they wouldn't care because I was too invisible to others::! But, now, at my age and being in college, it feels as if I can't relate to anyone on campus. It's to the point where I almost literally have no friends on campus. I always stay in my dorm and never leave unless it's for work, food, or shopping purposes. I joined an anime club my Freshman year, but I didn't fit in even there. Now, I just stopped bothering with it.

Not fitting in doesn't bother me. It's lonely, but that really only affects my depression. It's when people insult me or I feel as if I'm mistreated or looked down upon in some way by my peers that sends my SA skyrocketing.

I could hang out with anyone too. They weren't really my friends, but I could hang out with the nerds, gangsters, jocks, and normal kids and it was never really a problem.

 

[RyRy17]

Im 20 years old right now,
When I was in school I was one of the popular kids. I was a good athlete so that really helped me out with networking. Girls were always hard to talk to and establish a relationship with for me.

Fitting wasn't really an issue until I was a junior in high school. I fell into a depression and just stayed home like a bum all the time, barely even wen to school. I noticed that from not going out with my friends I fell a little behind in the social world

Now I am having the hardest time trying to figure out where I fit in. I feel like I can't relate to people my age. Also though my anxiety is still bad but getting better, so i am still having a lot of trouble communicating in general.

 

[gustavofring]

Chameleonesque.

Able to adapt and fit in but never really 100% belong to anything.

I must say as a child it came a heck of a lot easier to me then as an adult, because of childish bravado, whereas now I just feel confused and unable to be myself often (the self concious third person fogginess often sets in). Guess I just need people I feel comfortable around, I hate being around people who somehow make me doubt myself or intimidate me.

 

[KiaKaha]

How old are you?

33 - practically an adult.

Did you 'fit in' with people at school? Why do you think you did/didn't?

Most certainly not. I was extremely unpopular - bullied and excluded nearly everyday. In particular from the ages of about 9 - 17. I didnt fit in because I was shy and skinny. I have noticed popularity feeds upon popularity - if you are unpopular you wont ever become popular because no one wants to hang with you. I hated school so much - worst time of my life.

If you have finished school, have you found it easier or harder or the same to 'fit in' with people at work? Why do you think you do/don't?

Easier (still not easy though) - mostly because people have matured and realize that they need to interact with you to get things done. People will sometimes give you the benefit of the doubt. You are given a fresh start because there are not so many cliques and people dont "associate" you with anything. That doesnt mean to say that its easy though - it most definetly isnt. Anxiety is still prevalent with nearly every social interaction I have and I feel like I make people uncomfortable with my presence.

Has not fitting in been a main trigger for your social anxiety?

Yes

 

[MikeyC]

How old are you?

26.

Did you 'fit in' with people at school? Why do you think you did/didn't?

I didn't because I didn't have the right personality to be part of the "cooler" group. I was an easy target, perhaps.

If you have finished school, have you found it easier or harder or the same to 'fit in' with people at work? Why do you think you do/don't?

I have found it a LOT easier since finishing school. School is not real life and there's less of a condescending aura outside of it. It's still difficult, though.

Has not fitting in been a main trigger for your social anxiety?

No.

 

[Kat]

How old are you?
I’m 26

Did you 'fit in' with people at school? Why do you think you did/didn't?

When I was a child I did ok socially despite having anxiety. I did suffer a lot of bullying throughout my school life and I had a lot of struggles with school academically the school environment didn’t really cater to my learning style and I think out of anything if something has burned me it’s probably that I feel I struggle a bit now socially because of the educational gaps I have had. I’m a fairly skilled person but I feel a bit out of the loop sometimes because something’s I should know and is common knowledge to others I don’t really have an opinion on the internet helps out a little. I have also had a fairly sheltered up bringing.


If you have finished school, have you found it easier or harder or the same to 'fit in' with people at work? Why do you think you do/don't?

I still get overwhelmed by some people but some people baby me a little I think because I was the baby in my family I respond fairly ok to that.

Has not fitting in been a main trigger for your social anxiety?

I wouldn’t say it’s been the main trigger for my social anxiety but it has hurt me before I’m probably a person that values alone time more than fitting in though.

 

[Bustn Justin]

I am 31

I never fit in when I was in school. I have been bullied from grade 1-12. I would try different things from sports to drama to media and nothing seemed to click and felt like an outsider.

After I finished high school I was able to fit in with people at work but not with people in university. The people I work with I never hung out with them after hours.

For me onve I am done work I go home and be by myself. I fear being myself around other people since they just hate my guts and want me to go away.

 

[BlackPuma]

How old are you?

I am 21


Did you 'fit in' with people at school? Why do you think you did/didn't?

I was always a loner with 1 or 2 friends at most, whom were also less then popular. This was during my first years of school. But then for some reason, I got to be ''friends'' with one of the more popular kids. To maintain this friendship, I had to fight for it. Literally. I don't know how or why, but it's was completely normal to fight each other quite roughly back then. I was good at it, so I got to stay in that clique.

The relationship was limited to just the one clique. And others in the school still totally shunned me, I never understood why.

Then in highschool things got better. I got to be part of the perfect class (even the school itself acknowledged this to be one of the best classes they had ever had). Everyone in that class formed one big clique in essence. Even people that would usually be chronically unpopular were part of the gang. I was one of the many ''funny guys'' in this class, so you could say I was semi-popular in this clique.

But here again, it was limited to just this one group. The rest of the classes hated my guts, while everyone else of the class got along with everyone else. Again, I didn't understand why. It's always been like that; People whom love me, and others that REALLY hate me. The hate got to me severely. It made me cautious, scared to be truly myself.

To this day, I don't know why they hated/hate me so much.


If you have finished school, have you found it easier or harder or the same to 'fit in' with people at work? Why do you think you do/don't?

It's incredibly difficult to fit in for me. Even the most shallow of workfloor relationship cost me a huge amount of energy to uphold. And after a month or two, usually these relationships water down to simple Hi's and Bye's. When I try to salvage them, I'll notice people trying to get out of the conversation politely. I've stopped trying to do this, and rather invest time with established friends.


Has not fitting in been a main trigger for your social anxiety?

This was merely one of many triggers. Though, it was one of the main ones.

 

[Srijita52]

I'm 18.
I never fit in anywhere, even at pre school or 1st grade. I was always the fat, ugly, shy, cluless loser who can't ever be friends with anyone. I didn't quite fit with my friends either, I always felt like a tag along. What's weird though we had another kid in school who was just as shy as I am, if not more. The people she used to hang out with called her a freak, loser, clown face all the time. I tried my best to include her but oneday I overheard her calling me a loser. I must be seriously messed up haha.