Facing your fears makes things worse..

[alex7]

Everyday it's a battle of action and reaction. People claim that if you socialize more then u will overcome your fear of socializing. I have socialized thousands of times and im still just as scared now as i was 10 years ago.

Why? Because when i socialize i become anxious. When i become anxious it feels like my brain leaked through my ears and i cant think of proper responses to questions or conversation. When this occurs, i become very self-conscious, which only increases the anxiety.

At the end of the interaction, my attempt to make simple conversation has failed, and the next time i attempt to make conversation with someone, the fear will be greater than before because of how terrible my last attempt was.

How does someone overcome something unless they become progressively more successful at it? I find that SA makes it impossible to be good at socializing because we get so damn nervous, and those awkward attempts to make good conversation only further ingrains in our mind how much we suck at it.

 

[lithium]

There's a brick wall between the current you (the anxious, weak-minded person), and on the other side is the confident, happy, fearless individual. You just have to break through that wall, and emerge a new person. That brick wall is there to keep people who don't really want something off the other side. That is to say, if you really want something, you'll fight for it, and get it. Nothing in life is simple, and sometimes it isn't fair, but keep pushing and you'll be victorious. Kind of lame, I know, but it's better than being so apathetic and pessimistic all of the time.

 

[PhillyFlyersGrl]

I know exactly what you mean. No matter how many times you do something the fear is there. I guess the trick is to not judge your "performance" afterwards. To just let it go, no matter how badly you think the social interaction went. Until you start letting go of outcomes and say to yourself who cares? The fear will always be there if you keep judging yourself.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

I know exactly what you mean. No matter how many times you do something the fear is there. I guess the trick is to not judge your "performance" afterwards. To just let it go, no matter how badly you think the social interaction went. Until you start letting go of outcomes and say to yourself who cares? The fear will always be there if you keep judging yourself.

Yes. I keep reminding myself that I did try. I know I will hate myself more if I don't try. And this does help a bit. I hate myself quite enough as it is.

 

[Qbmaster]

Fear is not rational and can not be argued with. Fear wants us to acknowledge its existence. It wants to be heard because it believes that this is the only way to save you from danger. Fear is natural. Fear is nothing to be afraid of.

We can't control our own fears. We are not programmed to be able to control our own fears.

This means that we have to accept the fact that maybe our fears will never go away. There is just no way to handle a situation that guarantees that the same situation will be less scary next time. Using our fear as some kind of measurment of success is also a way of giving it too much attention which might actually make it stronger.

What has worked best for me so far is the following strategy: Instead of trying to get rid of the fear, just accept and ignore it. Just say to yourself: "Ok, I'm scared. So what?", and don't expect the fear to disappear at any point. Not being scared of fear has helped me a lot more than trying to get rid of the fear itself.

 

[Bemzy]

IMO the initial fear will always be present, like with public speaking. You just have to plow through until you get a bit more comfortable.

 

[Psychedelicious]

Strange Disguise

Well, of course it does!! What is someone suppose to expect when facing their fears? That it really isn't as hard as they thought it was, or that it's going to be easy? That's the exact reason why we're afraid of those things, whether or not it's rational. It has to be hard to do, or else nothing would come out of doing it. Once you see that you can face them, you know it might be extremely uncomfortable, but it's not the end of the world. It's something you have to keep working and working at, until it gets even a little bit better. Otherwise you'll never get anywhere.

 

[Jim_Bergerac]

The way I see it is that exposure is not the answer for everyone. Look at it like this, imagine someone has a lisp and has been ridiculed and received negative comments and develops negative beliefs about their lisp, believing its shameful, it makes them inadequate, they becomes self conscious speaking to people in fear they may be ridiculed. Exposure of speaking to people will not solve this problem because exposure does not change their negative beliefs about their lisp.

Maybe your anxiety interacting with people is because you have negative beliefs about your social skills or something like that. Maybe you are self conscious of people seeing your personality or something else because you believe that part of you is not good enough and you have negative beliefs about that part of you. Exposure will not correct that. You are swimming around in a vicious circle until you do correct it - i.e. if you have no confidence in something like your social skills or personality then you will go into the situation self conscious, anxious, no confidence, etc - and this anxiety will make it so hard to shine and perform - as a result you fail and then you believe you are not good enough.

If this is true then you have to start developing positive beliefs and confidence on the part of yourself that you feel negatively about. This is the only way the anxiety will reduce and you go into situations with more confidence and belief. The things you are confident about you do not fear negative judgements on and you believe you are good enough and worthy for. The things you have no confidence in you fear negative judgements on and believe they make you inadequate and inferior - making you self conscious and can develop an inferiority complex.

Maybe what I have written is not applicable for you, but I just wanted to agree that exposure is not some miracle answer for all people's problems whatsoever!

 

[Liberty]

Everyday it's a battle of action and reaction. People claim that if you socialize more then u will overcome your fear of socializing. I have socialized thousands of times and im still just as scared now as i was 10 years ago.

Why? Because when i socialize i become anxious. When i become anxious it feels like my brain leaked through my ears and i cant think of proper responses to questions or conversation. When this occurs, i become very self-conscious, which only increases the anxiety.

At the end of the interaction, my attempt to make simple conversation has failed, and the next time i attempt to make conversation with someone, the fear will be greater than before because of how terrible my last attempt was.

How does someone overcome something unless they become progressively more successful at it? I find that SA makes it impossible to be good at socializing because we get so damn nervous, and those awkward attempts to make good conversation only further ingrains in our mind how much we suck at it.

I asked this same question to my CBT therapist recently and he said that you can't just socialize and expect it to get better. Facing your fears is the right answer but you must do it properly and with the appropriate mindset. You have to train your mind first and then progressively engage in more anxiety-inducing social situations. Try the simple things first until you overcome them and then move on to harder things.

Over time you gain confidence and you are able to push the world away from you so to speak. Then you can breathe again and you're free to act and react in a more natural manner.

 

[recluse]

It doesn't do a slight bit of difference to me either...I often wonder why i bother putting myself through the agony of anxiety, i sometimes wish i could live on an island all alone.

 

[lyricalliaisons]

Being around people makes my anxiety no better or easier to handle, nor does it make me learn how to socialize better. I still don't know what to do or say around people or how to act, no matter how often I'm around others.

 

[iamthenra]

I completely agree, that being exposed to socializing and having to face the very thing that causes anxiety, is creating a bigger problem for me as well. I am having a great deal of distress trying to sleep at night, my gut feels like it's tied in a knot all the time now, and my hands and feet are like ice. When I am at school which is the source of my problems and having to perform learned skills in front of the instructor and my peers, I get tongue tied and I stutter and my voice quivers and the hands shake really bad, I get cotton mouth when I am having to talk through the skill that I am performing, and I can't wait to leave... I feel like a deer in the headlights, I loose my train of thought and I tend to forget some of the skill that I was to perform. I have this lump in my chest now that doesn't seem to be going away, all because of SA, and it seems to be getting worse not better....

 

[agoraphobickatie]

i really thought exposure wasn't doing anything for me either.. because every single time i "exposed" myself to the outside world, it sucked just as much... and now that i look back to when i first started the exposure thing, i feel that it has been one of the only things that has worked for me... eventually i'd start going to the drug store or wherever with either of my parents, and i'd notice that i was just thinking about what i wanted to buy.. and i'd be like "wait.. why am i not panicking about being in this store where there are other people?" ..i don't know, it's hard to explain, and i definitely don't believe that just because i've seen it help me, it will help everyone else.. but we all have different fears and different ways that we have to learn to 'cope', there's just no one thing that will 'cure' everyone... nine months ago, i couldn't walk out of my house to the mail box without freaking out, much less walk into any public place.. and when i started forcing myself to do it anyway, and kept it up, some of my fears just started crumbling... having said all that, i still have a ways to go, because just as i was afraid of going somewhere even with someone, now i'm fine with that, but i'm afraid to go somewhere alone.. so i guess i just plan on doing the same